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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28735164">My Sun, My Moon, and All My Stars</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/watcherswatchers/pseuds/watcherswatchers'>watcherswatchers</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>My Sun, My Moon, and All My Stars [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Family Planning, Feminization, M/M, Multi, Pregnancy, Shane talks about his emotions, Space Metaphors, Surrogacy, Trans Ryan, pregnancy loss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:54:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>92,630</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28735164</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/watcherswatchers/pseuds/watcherswatchers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Shane wants a child but Sara doesn't want to carry one. After accepting he and Sara would never be parents, Ryan steps up and offers to surrogate. Ryan would do anything for them.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej/Sara Rubin, Shane Madej/Sara Rubin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>My Sun, My Moon, and All My Stars [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2178615</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>109</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>102</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic is written using traditionally feminine words to describe Ryan as a FTM trans man. It's used by himself, by Shane and Sara, and by medical professionals. Technical terminology is used as well as slang. He hasn't had top surgery or bottom surgery and uses words he's fine with. If you're not comfortable with the terminology, please feel free to turn back. :) </p><p>Always check with your partner about the words and terminology they prefer!</p><p>Ryan's pregnancy can be seen as 'more feminine' and could potentially be triggering. Please proceed with care. &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sun was shining, there was a cool breeze and the park was populated but there weren’t too many people. It was the perfect day for a picnic. Shane and Sara were sitting on the grass, just enjoying the day. Sara watched Shane closely as he stared longingly at the children running around. No matter how much he pined, though, he’d never say it aloud. </p><p>Sara took his hand in hers and threaded their fingers together. She’d brought a book with her and Shane just enjoyed the view. As the sun began to set, Shane set a dandelion crown on Sara’s head. “C’mon, let’s head home.”</p><p>Sara packed up the picnic basket and Shane carefully folded the blanket, throwing it over his arm. He held his arm out for Sara who entwined her arm in his. “Hey, can we talk when we get home?” Sara asked.</p><p>Shane’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked down at her. “Are— Is everything alright?”</p><p>Sara’s smile brightened. “Absolutely. I just want to talk about something. Nothing bad, I promise.”</p><p>Shane’s body relaxed and they walked home in relative silence. Shane unlocked the door to their house— <em>their own house!</em>— and stepped aside to let Sara in first. Obi met them at the door, winding around their legs. Shane hoisted him into his arms and pet him.</p><p>Sara set some water on to boil and pulled out two mugs and the tea bags. “Are you hungry at all? I know we ate at the park but I can get something for us to snack on. I’m kinda feeling a salad myself.”</p><p>“No,” Shane murmured, grabbing his cup. “I’m not hungry.” Obi jumped from his arms and Shane sat down at the table. “What do we need to talk about?” He rolled the mug around on the table on its bottom curve.</p><p>Sara looked up from where she was crouched in front of the fridge. “You really don’t have to look so terrified,” she laughed. “There’s really nothing wrong.”</p><p>Shane looked down at his hands. “Sorry. ‘Can we talk’ just always sounds foreboding. So what’s up?”</p><p>“You want a baby,” Sara said plainly.</p><p>Shane choked on the spit in his mouth. “Jesus,” he coughed, hitting his chest. “Sara!”</p><p>Sara shrugged, pulling vegetables from the fridge— <em>where was the cheese?</em>— and set them on the counter. “Don’t you? It’s not bad. I’m just— You do, right?”</p><p>Shane stared at his hands. “Sare, I know you don’t want kids. I know that. It’s not— Kids aren’t a necessity. I have you, I have our friends, we have decent jobs at Buzzfeed. We just got ourselves a house. That’s all we really need.”</p><p>Shane watched Sara’s hands as she cut up things for her salad. Her hands moved so sure and her voice never wavered. “It’s not that I don’t want to have children,” Sara explained. “It was never that. I just don’t want to—” She gestured widely in front of her with the knife. “—<em>have</em> children.”</p><p>Shane nodded. “And that’s fine. I don’t need kids to be happy Sara. We’ve got Obi.” Shane stood up and wrapped his arms around Sara from behind. “Even if it’s just you and me, that’s all I need.”</p><p>Sara pushed her food into her bowl and popped a piece of apple in her mouth. “Just because you don’t need it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to want it, Shane.” She set the knife on the counter and turned around in Shane’s arms. “Do you want it? Do you want children? One or two or— do you want kids?”</p><p>Shane looked away from Sara, refusing to meet her gaze until Sara grabbed his chin and forced him to.</p><p>“Shane, transparency please. We’re adults; we can talk about this.”</p><p>“Yeah,” he whispered. “I really do.” His eyes were red and he looked like he was holding back tears. “But I don’t need them, Sara. I really don’t. I am <em>so</em> happy with this little life we have. You and me, Obi, this new house. Sara we got our own house, how fucking cool is that?”</p><p>“And a big yard,” Sara said. “Perfect for letting kids run around in.”</p><p>Sara grabbed her salad bowl and grabbed some dressing from the fridge. “The water should be just about ready. Grab the tea and let’s go sit somewhere comfortable to talk.” She walked to the living room and Shane grabbed the tea pot. He poured out water for each of them and grabbed the box of tea bags, carrying them all to the living room. He set them on the coffee table and handed Sara the tea bags.</p><p>Shane sat on the couch and pulled his knees up to his chest. He cradled the steaming mug in his hands. Sara reached over and dropped a tea bag in. “Thanks,” he whispered.</p><p>“Shane—” Sara looked at him pitifully. “Come on, you can talk to me. What’s going on through that noggin of yours?”</p><p>Shane shook his head. “So much snow. It’s like the tv of my childhood up in here.”</p><p>Sara set her hand on Shane’s knee. It was a welcome weight, calming. “Are the black ants winning or the white ones?”</p><p>“Evenly matched,” Shane said with a tiny smile.</p><p>“Talk to me.”</p><p>Shane searched his head, looking to pick out just one thought. He just needed to pick one thing to speak, one thing to cross his lips. “Why?”</p><p>“Why what?”</p><p>Shane looked at his tea and sniffed it before taking a sip of it. A little longer. “Why are you pushing so hard? Why do you want a kid but don’t want to have a kid? I don’t— Just why?”</p><p>“Well, I don’t want to bear children just because it’s never been something I’ve planned. I never wanted to have my own kids. But I saw how you were staring at the kids at the park. You were staring at the families playing and the kids on the swings and I— It’s okay to want kids.” Sara shoved a forkful of salad in her mouth. “Oh shit I forgot croutons. Be right back.” Sara got up and left Shane sitting on the couch. Shane pulled the teabag from his mug and tossed it on the saucer on the coffee table.</p><p>Who would— how— Shane groaned and held the cup a little tighter. There were so many questions in his head. He’d resigned himself to the— not resigned. That sounded bad. He’d accepted that he’d never be a father and he’d just— he’d just taken it in stride. Sara didn’t want kids and Shane was— Sara was the love of his life. He couldn’t live without her, so not having kids just made sense. And now he had to rethink it all.</p><p>Sara walked back in the room and Shane looked up at her. “So… would we— are we talking adoption here? Fostering? Surrogacy? What’s on the table here?”</p><p>Sara looked at the coffee table. “A few magazines, a saucer with your messy tea bag on it. You could have let that drain a little more.”</p><p>“Sare—”</p><p>“Anything you want, Shane. Just not my uterus. I'll— I can even donate eggs if that’s what you really want.”</p><p>Shane set the mug on the coffee table and laid back on the couch, sprawling out. Sara grabbed her salad and moved to the chair, sitting in it. “I don’t know what I want,” he said.</p><p>“Okay so think about it. Do you want your own biological children? Or just a child?”</p><p>Shane thought about it. He’d always thought about kids. He’d wanted a big family when he was younger. He wanted at least a few children, definitely not just one though. But what— there were so many kids waiting to be adopted around the United States and there were so many kids in foster homes. Shane tugged at his hair. God this was so difficult. Was he an asshole if he wanted his own kids? “Biological?” he said, his voice wavering. “Unless you don’t— unless you want to adopt or foster.”</p><p>Sara nodded and grabbed a notebook from on the coffee table shelf and pulled a pen out of the depths of the chair. “Okay so biological.”</p><p>“Do we really need to write this down?” Shane asked.</p><p>“Absolutely,” Sara said. “That way we’re both on the right page. I don’t want there to be any miscommunications here. This is important. It’s the rest of our lives, Shane.” She scribbled down what Shane said in her notebook. “Okay so we’ll need a surrogate, then. And maybe an egg donor?”</p><p>“Wouldn’t the surrogate donate the egg?” Shane asked.</p><p>Sara shrugged. “Not necessarily. Just because she’s got a healthy uterus doesn’t mean she’ll have healthy eggs. Do we have any friends you’d ask to…?”</p><p>Shane shrugged and pulled a pillow against his chest. “I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it. How do you even ask someone to do that for you? How do you rent someone’s uterus? Because that’s what this is. Do we even have the money to rent someone’s body, Sara?”</p><p>“We have some. I can sell some art if we need more.” Sara set her empty bowl on the table and curled up in her seat. “Shane, we don’t have to decide anything now. If you really don’t want to have a baby, it’s completely your call. But I know you’ll hate yourself if you don’t.”</p><p>Shane clenched the pillow and stared at the ceiling. “Except… I do have to. Because if we don’t decide soon, then we might miss our chance if any of our friends <em>do</em> want to be a surrogate. Most of them are our age— late twenties, early thirties and—”</p><p>“You say that like people in their thirties don’t have kids,” Sara teased. “Shane, I’m not going to bully you; I just want you to be honest with me. And with yourself.” Shane’s phone buzzed in his pocket a few times, but he ignored it to stare at the ceiling. “Aren’t you gonna get that?”</p><p>Shane sighed and reached into his pocket, pulling his phone out. “It’s Ryan.”</p><p>Sara walked over to the couch and lifted Shane’s head up, maneuvering her lap under it. “What’s he want?”</p><p>“Asking if we’re still meeting tonight,” Shane said quietly. “I don’t—”</p><p>“Shh,” Sara soothed, running her fingers through his hair. “We’ll table the conversation for now, okay? Tell him to come on over. But if you’re going to talk about it with Ryan, he is always your best sounding board.”</p><p>Shane thumbed out the text and dropped the phone on his chest. He closed his eyes and just thought; thought about costs, thought about friends he could ask to be a surrogate, diapers. He thought of a little dark haired baby that would grow up to be stupidly tall and impossible to buy clothes for. He sighed at the thought. Sara’s hand was steady on his head up until the doorbell rang.</p><p>Ryan walked in and laughed. “That’s way less annoying than me knocking, huh?”</p><p>Sara smiled at Ryan. “You could just forego the knocking and the doorbell altogether and just walk in.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Shane mumbled. “You already have a key; there’s literally zero reasons for you to still knock.”</p><p>Ryan walked over and sat on Shane’s outstretched legs. “It announces my arrival,” Ryan said. “So what’s the matter with you?”</p><p>Shane took his arm off his face and looked down at Ryan. “Nothing.”</p><p>“Well there’s one thing,” Ryan said. “You’re a shit liar. I can tell you’re lying so what is it?”</p><p>Sara looked away. She wasn’t snitching. Shane stared tiredly at Ryan before dropping back down and closing his eyes again. He sighed. “Sara wants me to have a baby.”</p><p>Ryan’s brow furrowed. “Hey buddy, only two of us here have the equipment for that and you’re not it.” Ryan stood up and lifted Shane’s legs, crawling to sit underneath them. “Your legs fucking hurt dude.”</p><p>Sara snickered. “Shouldn’t your ass have enough padding to counteract that?”</p><p>Ryan grinned. “You’d think.” He looked down at Shane. “So what’s the deal? Why are you so busted up about this?” His hand was tracing lines up and down Shane’s shin. “I thought you wanted kids.”</p><p>“I do,” Shane groaned.</p><p>“So what’s the problem?”</p><p>Shane was focusing on the way Sara and Ryan were holding him. Everything about this felt safe. Why couldn’t he just… say the words? He sighed again. “Sara doesn’t.”</p><p>Sara hummed. “I don’t want to <em>carry</em> kids. That’s a very important distinction you’re forgetting.” Sara looked up at Ryan. “We were just trying to figure out what Shane wants— you know how hard that can be sometimes— and we might’ve decided on surrogacy.”</p><p>Ryan smiled down at Shane. “Dude that’s awesome. Congratulations!”</p><p>“Well,” Sara started, “it’s not a done deal yet. He’s going to come up with a list of friends to ask to see if they could surrogate and if not, then we’ll have to go through an official surrogacy agency probably.”</p><p>“Could probably find a willing uterus online somewhere,” Shane mumbled.</p><p>“Or on your couch,” Ryan said mindlessly. His eyes grew large when he realized what he said. “I mean— unless you’ve— do you have a list yet?”</p><p>“Ryan we couldn’t ask you to do that,” Sara said softly.</p><p>Ryan scowled. “Well why not? You’re going to make a list of friends and I wasn’t even going to be on it?” He sounded… offended? No. Heartbroken.</p><p>Shane sat up, shifting his legs off Ryan. “Ry, what about your HRT? You’d have to go off your testosterone and then there’s the IVF and the doctors. We’d want to pay you and I know you’d have issues with that.”</p><p>“So pay me in sneakers or something, dude. Buy all my lunches for the next year.” Ryan’s hands were clenching the thigh of his jeans. “I’d go off my T if it helped you guys out. I’d do anything for you.”</p><p>Ryan was so sincere about it that Shane couldn’t help the tears that welled in his eyes. He looked away and swiped ashamedly at them. “Ry—” he said, his voice rough with tears.</p><p>“C’mon Shane, if nothing else, I’m saving you guys a big chunk of change. Do you know how expensive surrogacy is?”</p><p>Sara nodded absentmindedly. “I have some sort of idea, yeah.”</p><p>“And you think $130,000 is worth it when I’ll do it for like… lunch every day? Maybe supper? The occasional ride to a doctor’s appointment.” Ryan took Shane’s hand in his. “C’mon dude you already do that half the time anyway.”</p><p>“I’d be saving money on beer at least,” Shane joked weakly. “Listen, I’m still not sure if I want to… to have one. Babies are a lot you know and I’m not as young as I used to be.”</p><p>Ryan nodded but rolled his eyes. “Well I’ve got a ute for the using,” Ryan said, gesturing at his abdomen. “You know I didn’t get top surgery because I wanted kids some day. Why not now? I might not be mommy or daddy or whatever but at least I know the baby would be with someone who’d love and care for them.” Ryan grew quiet. “And I’d be able to see them, right? You don’t plan on up and leaving?”</p><p>“Please don’t call it a ute.”</p><p>“We just bought a house, Ryan,” Sara said. “No, we’re not moving. We’re gonna die in this house.”</p><p>Ryan poked Shane’s side. “I’ll make sure I’m here with the spirit box, looking for you.” Sara and Shane just stared at Ryan deadpanned and Ryan laughed, his eyes twinkling. “There’s my Shane,” he teased. “So what are we going to watch?”</p><p>Shane jerked his head to look at the tv. “Well currently a blank screen.”</p><p>Ryan reached forward and grabbed the remote from the coffee table. “I’m gonna turn on the Lakers game, okay?” He grinned when Shane lunged for the remote and he pulled it just out of reach. Shane reached again and Ryan leaned over the arm of the couch to hold it out as far as he could. “No arguments against it? Great.”</p><p>“I’m arguing. C’mon Ry!” Shane lunged for the remote but Ryan’s hand was just out of reach.</p><p>Sara pushed Shane over on top of Ryan. “Just grab the remote, Shane. I refuse to watch basketball.”</p><p>Shane’s body spanned the length of Ryan’s and Ryan tried to push Shane off him but Shane was too lengthy. He grabbed the remote and tossed it to his other hand. Sara grabbed it and turned on the tv, rolling her eyes at Ryan’s antics.</p><p>Ryan was gasping and wheezing on the edge of the couch, his hand clutching his stomach. Shane looked at Ryan, his eyes twinkling. “You’re a pain in the ass, you know that?”</p><p>Ryan turned and re-situated himself on the couch, stretching his legs out from under him. “There’s not even a game tonight, asshole. I just wanted you to smile.”</p><p>Shane’s cheeks flushed a bit and he shook his head looking back at the tv. “So!” he said, clapping his hands. “What’s on tv, Sare?”</p><p>“Nothing of interest,” Sara said, scrolling through the channels.</p><p>“Ooh there’s a documentary on—” Shane started.</p><p>“Nothing of interest!” Sara interjected. She scrolled through the channels and finally turned on a sitcom rerun. The three of them relaxed into the couch. Shane and Ryan pointed out plot holes and inaccuracies and Sara continually wasted her breath telling them to shut up. Eventually, Ryan fell asleep, curled up sideways on the couch. His face was relaxed and content.</p><p>Sara turned away from the show to look at Shane staring at Ryan. “He’s tossing you a rope, you know.”</p><p>Shane looked back at Sara. “Hmm?”</p><p>Sara reached up to pet Shane’s hair. “You know that part in <em>It’s a Wonderful Life</em> where George says ‘what do you want Mary? You want the moon?’”</p><p>Shane nodded. “Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down,” he finished quietly.</p><p>“Ryan threw his lasso to the moon for you Shane. And he’s pulled the moon down; it’s in his hands. Just take it.” Shane leaned against Sara’s chest. “Come on, you know you love him; I know you love him. What’s stopping you?”</p><p>Shane looked at Ryan. He wanted to reach out and hold him, pull Ryan against his chest and just stay like that. “What if I shatter the moon?”</p><p>In reality, Ryan wasn’t his moon; Ryan was the sun. Shane was the moon, Sara was the earth. Shane was nothing without Sara or Ryan. He was just a rock in space. Sara was stability, safety. But with Sara, Shane was in charge of the tides, he stabilized the earth’s axis, he protected the earth from harm. And with Ryan, he was beautiful. Ryan helped control the tide. With Ryan, he reflected Ryan’s energy, he was happy. Ryan was just… handing him himself? Oh god this metaphor still made sense even then because Ryan was just giving Shane his own wants.</p><p>Shane was afraid to break himself.</p><p>He wasn’t going to say that aloud though.</p><p>Sara kissed the top of Shane’s head. “I think the moon can take a little rough handling sometimes, you know. You won’t break, Shane. You’re allowed to want things.”</p><p>Damn, Shane didn’t even need to say it aloud. Sara just already knew.</p><p>“You can’t know that Sara. What if I just dissolve into nothingness? If I hurt Ryan, if I were the reason Ryan came to hate himself, hate his body, hate what I asked him to do… I could never live with myself.”</p><p>“But you didn’t ask, Shane; he offered,” Sara explained. “I’m sure he knows at least somewhat what he’s getting himself into.”</p><p>Shane curled into Sara’s side and stretched his leg out alongside Ryan. Ryan was honestly too good for him. Sara and Ryan, that was something he could see happening, something he could see working out and being soft and sweet and romantic. But where did he fit into it all? He loved Sara, he loved Ryan. Sara loved the both of them. Ryan… what did Ryan think? Who did Ryan love?</p><p>“He offered you the moon, Shane. The moon, the stars…”</p><p>Shane nodded. “I’ll think about it, okay?”</p><p>Sara raised her eyebrow at him.</p><p>“No, I mean it. I’ll— I’ll think about it. We can all talk in the morning. We’ll talk fertility treatments and IVF and we’ll talk hospital trips and nurseries and all that good shit, okay? We’ll talk about it. And if it’s still something Ryan thinks he can handle then, yeah. 100%.”</p><p>Shane couldn’t stop staring at Ryan, not that he ever could. The sun was always so beautiful, no matter how much it hurt sometimes. He thought about how Ryan would have to go off his T shots. Ryan had been so excited to start them, would he be so willing to stay off once he saw the changes in his body again? He’d have to forgo his binder after a while. His body would soften and he wouldn’t be able to lift heavy weights like he liked to.</p><p>Ryan was willing to give all of that up for him? Just so he could have a child?</p><p>Shane’s head hurt. He slumped down on the couch, stretching both legs out alongside Ryan and turned on his side. His head rested in Sara’s lap and he stared blankly at the tv. It was some shitty reality show now, not that Shane really cared. He wasn’t paying attention. He was thinking about Ryan’s waist thickening, his body becoming curvy, curvier than it had ever been.</p><p>“Why is he so willing to do this for me? He didn’t even have to think about it,” Shane whispered against Sara’s thigh.</p><p>“You do crazy things for the people you love,” she said succinctly. It made complete sense to her. Shane was amazing. She knew Shane thought of himself as the moon but in reality he was a star. He was the sun of another solar system, just as bright and beautiful to his own planets. And Sara wasn’t the earth but an asteroid, hurtling through the universe hoping to be lucky enough to fall into their orbits. And she was. Somehow her universe had two suns and she was just lucky enough to be around them.</p><p>Shane turned to look up at Sara. “I’m deeply in love with you and I’ve never done a single crazy thing in my life.”</p><p>Sara smiled and pet Shane’s hair. “We’ve done plenty of crazy together. Look around us, Shane. We just bought a house. In this world, in this country, in this economy. We bought a fucking house. And we’re going to have a baby with your best friend and we’re going to convince him about how much we love him. And then we’ll be a nice poly triad and raise a bunch of crazy tall kids together. We’ve got our own flavor of crazy.”</p><p>“No,” Shane teased, “I’m not crazy.”</p><p>“Oh of course. You’ve never done a crazy thing ever. Never ever. You don’t make a living off doing crazy things with your best friend whom you’re in love with. You go around screaming at ghosts and demons that don’t exist. But no, you’ve never done anything crazy for someone you love.”</p><p>Shane sighed and settled back against Sara’s lap. “Alright, maybe I’m a little crazy,” he said, “but only because you two make me like this.”</p><p>Sara hummed. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”</p><p>Ryan shifted on the couch and curled in tighter on himself. Shane saw him and stood up, walking to the bedroom. Him and Sara had plenty of extra blankets. No one ever had enough comfort items and blankets? Shane loved them. It was part comfort, part midwestern upbringing. You don’t deal with the cold every year without developing something of a blanket collection. He grabbed one of his thinner blankets— he knew Ryan didn’t like being too hot— and an extra pillow and carried them out to the living room. He propped up Ryan’s head and wrapped the blanket around him, tucking him in.</p><p>Sara glanced over and cooed. “How sweet,” she said.</p><p>Shane settled back in to stare at the tv. Ryan slowly uncurled his body as he warmed up and his feet eventually pushed against Shane’s back. It wasn’t painful or anything, just a constant presence. A presence Shane could get used to, if he was being honest. He felt safest being surrounded. It helped him feel secure, small, safe. It helped him fall asleep.</p><p>When Shane woke up in the morning, Sara was gone. The tv was off, a blanket was tossed over him, and Ryan was stretched out beside him. The couch really wasn’t big enough for this, Shane thought. Ryan had moved down as he slept, his head resting on the arm of the couch. Shane sat up and pulled his blanket tight around his shoulders. He stretched, groaning as he stood up. His pants felt weird. He fucking hated sleeping in his jeans, but here he was.</p><p>He walked to the kitchen and started the coffee, making enough for all three of them. It wasn’t much to think about. Shane made coffee for the three of them when Ryan stayed over. It didn’t happen a lot but it happened frequently enough. Sometimes Shane made enough for three just on autopilot and he or Sara would put it in a travel mug for Ryan.</p><p>Ryan must’ve smelled the coffee as it brewed. He walked into the kitchen and sat at a chair nearest to Shane’s at the table. “Good morning,” he said sleepily.</p><p>“Good morning,” Shane echoed, not turning to look at Ryan. If he turned to look, last night’s conversation would come back in again and he’d have to talk about it again and he’d have to talk about his feelings again and it was far too early for that. “You hungry?”</p><p>“Starved,” Ryan replied. “But you don’t have to cook for me. I’ll just head out after coffee.”</p><p>Shane tensed. “Actually, I’ll cook for you. We uh— We have to talk.” Great Shane would have to bring up the feelings now. “Yeah, we have to talk.”</p><p>“I’m still willing to do it, you know,” Ryan said, rubbing sleep from his eyes. His brows were heavy with sleep still. “You’re not going to change my mind.”</p><p>“Okay,” Shane said quietly. “I won’t. But we still need to talk about… things… and stuff.”</p><p>“Things and stuff,” Ryan parroted with a smirk. “Very descriptive.”</p><p>The tips of Shane’s ears flushed. “Okay well I’m not… Sara’s not here and I don’t want to start without her.”</p><p>Ryan nodded and stood up, leaning in against Shane’s side as he stared at his toast in the toaster. “You’re allowed to want things, you know.”</p><p>“So Sara tells me.”</p><p>“So let yourself have them.” Ryan nudged his shoulder against Shane’s and sat back in his seat. “I’ll have a bagel with some cream cheese if you have any.”</p><p>Shane nodded. “Yeah, alright.” The coffee pot beeped and he grabbed a couple of mugs and prepared their coffee just the way they like it. The toast came over right after and Shane hissed as he moved too quick and spilled coffee on his hand. “Shit!”</p><p>Ryan jumped up, dropping his blanket on the seat. “Get your hand under cold water,” Ryan said.</p><p>Shane looked at him confused. “What?”</p><p>Ryan grabbed Shane’s hand and turned on the faucet, dragging Shane’s hand under the water as it turned cold. “Keep it there.” He grabbed the toast from the toaster and buttered it while it was still hot and tossed it on a saucer. “You gotta be more careful,” he admonished quietly. He took Shane’s hand out from under the water and his thumb traced over the skin. “It doesn’t feel like it’s burned too deeply. We got it under the water in time.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Shane said quietly. He dried his hand off and dropped at the table. “So turns out coffee straight from the pot? Very warm.”</p><p>Ryan laughed. “Yeah I guess so, huh? You okay?”</p><p>Shane shrugged. “Kinda getting hit with bombs from every direction here, you know? It’s just a lot to process.”</p><p>“Okay so what are you processing? Talk to me.” Ryan cradled the coffee mug between his hands.</p><p>“I didn’t get you your bagel,” Shane murmured.</p><p>“I don’t need the bagel. C’mon, Shane. You know you can tell me anything right? No judgement?” Ryan paused. “Okay I can’t say never any judgement but no judgement about this.”</p><p>Shane looked at his own coffee and his toast which didn’t look all that appealing now that his stomach was churning. But then again, his mom always had him eat plain toast when he had an upset stomach as a kid, so maybe it could help. He took a bite and chewed slowly, carefully as Ryan regarded him with care.</p><p>“You ever think something so long that you resign yourself to the fact and then you’re told that ‘hey you <em>can</em> actually have this thing you want’ and your life gets turned upside down?”</p><p>Ryan stared at Shane deadpan. “Shane—” Ryan gestured at his body. “Trans.” Shane’s cheeks flushed and Ryan laughed. “Oh come on, I’m teasing. Yes, Shane I know.”</p><p>“Okay so… Sara and I agreed years ago that she didn’t want to have kids and that’s fine, that’s great. I’m not going to force her to have kids she doesn’t want. She’s strict about her birth control, I make sure to use condoms to be doubly sure, and it’s never been a problem. I just accepted that I’d never be a dad. And honestly, it hurt for a while but mostly I don’t even think about it.”</p><p>Ryan nodded, listening intently and Shane sighed, continuing.</p><p>“And then yesterday we’re at the park and I don’t know— I must’ve been watching the families playing a little too intently or something because next thing I know she’s pulling the ‘can we talk’ card. And that’s terrifying to hear, especially since we just bought this place together, you know?” Shane took a bite of his toast and grimaced. It really didn’t— he didn’t want to eat this anymore. “So we get home and I’m terrified because what did she have to say that couldn’t be talked about at the park? And she just looks at me and says ‘you want a baby.’ Like it’s really that simple.”</p><p>“It’s never that simple, even for couples who decided to have kids from the very beginning.”</p><p>“No, I know,” Shane said, stirring his coffee and watching it swirl around the spoon. “But I’d accepted the fact for so long that she didn’t that it wasn’t even— I just accepted it. I pushed away that part of me that wanted that and locked it away never to be seen again.”</p><p>Ryan pulled the blanket back up over his shoulders. “Except yesterday it reared its ugly head.”</p><p>“It reared its head alright. So I was bemoaning that and the feelings and the sudden wave of emotions I couldn’t categorize, couldn’t suppress, and then you came over and you— You’re so fucking selfless, you know that? You didn’t even think twice about being a surrogate, what the fuck is that about? I can’t even agree that yes, this is what I want even though it’s something I always thought would happen up until Sara said no thanks. I’ve wanted this for you know, fifteen years of my life anyway, and then for the last two or three or so it was just ‘no’ and now you’re here and it could be a yes again and— Switches are just flipping in my brain at such high speeds and I don’t know how to handle them all. I don’t even know which switches are on and which are off and which ones are stuck somewhere in the middle.”</p><p>Ryan waited for Shane to finish. Shane pushed the toast away from himself, pushed the coffee cup off to the side and set his head down on the table.</p><p>“It’s all just… a lot.”</p><p>Ryan set his hand on Shane’s and Shane peeked over his arm at Ryan. “You know I’m always here for you, right?” Shane nodded. Ryan’s hand was warm on his and his eyes were as kind and bright as they always were. “I’m offering up my… services.” Ryan laughed. “No I hate that. It makes me sound like a bad porno. Seriously though, Shane. I’ve wanted kids almost as long as I’ve been alive. For a while I thought it was just society telling me that since I was born a girl, I had to have kids. I hated myself for years when I was figuring out my identity and everything because I couldn’t be a man if I still wanted to have a baby, if I still wanted to carry one. Do you know who made me feel better about it though?”</p><p>Shane shrugged. “I don’t know, your mom?”</p><p>Ryan laughed again. “No, stupid. It was you.” Shane’s eyebrows furrowed and Ryan took a drink of his coffee. “I was talking early on, we had to have been at Buzzfeed for… I don’t know just a couple weeks. It was way back, even before I started T. And I was ranting about children and being queer and liking men and I must not have been a real man if I still wanted kids and didn’t want top surgery or bottom surgery and you just looked at me with this most serious face and went ‘that’s <em>bullshit</em>.'”</p><p>“I don’t really remember this,” Shane admitted, sitting up. He pulled his toast back in front of him and took another bite. Might as well eat it while it was still warm.</p><p>“I wouldn’t expect you to,” Ryan said. “It was probably just another conversation for you. But it— you’re the reason I was okay starting T but not getting surgery. You made me feel alright with my body. You said something so stupid— but it was so… I don’t know, genuine? That it really made me see things clearly.” Ryan looked down at his coffee cup and smiled softly, remembering. “You told me that being born with a vagina didn’t make me any less of a man, and if I wanted kids so badly, I should have them. That wanting biological children so badly didn’t make me less of a man and if it did… then you weren’t a man either.”</p><p>Shane smiled. It was a little less guarded, a little wider. His eyes crinkled with it. “That does sound like something I’d say.”</p><p>“And you’re not like… the pinnacle poster child for masculinity or anything but coming for you it just— I don’t know,” Ryan mumbled. “It meant a lot to me then, and it still means everything to me now. You were there for every step of the hormone part of my transition and you were hyped when I got hyped and you just— you’re my best friend. You did everything for me, whether you knew it or not and now, I’m willing to do something for you. Something, might I add, that might not even be possible if it weren’t for you.”</p><p>Shane looked at Ryan finally. His face was so open, so honest, so… Ryan.</p><p>“We’re— We weren’t supposed to talk about this without Sara,” Shane said.</p><p>“We’re not. Not really. We haven’t discussed one single nitty gritty detail. I just answered your question about why I jumped on it so fast. Honestly, it hurt a little, realizing I was’t even going to be on your potential list. Who else did you have in mind?”</p><p>Shane shook his head. “No one. We lit— Sara and I had <em>barely</em> started talking about it when you texted. She was still trying to get me to admit that it was something I truly wanted.”</p><p>“And is it?”</p><p>Shane looked almost embarrassed. “Yeah,” he said. “but I told her if I never had a child, that she’s more than enough for me and she just— You know how Sara gets.”</p><p>Ryan nodded and finished off the rest of his coffee. “Yeah she made you talk about your own emotions and thoughts. That’s rough buddy.”</p><p>Shane nodded sagely. “It really is.”</p><p>They sat in comfortable silence as Obi wandered around the house. Shane and Ryan could hear him jumping off surfaces.</p><p>“Hey, how come your allergies aren’t bothering you?”</p><p>Ryan smiled. “Loaded up on Benadryl before I came over. It’ll probably be running out soon and then it’ll be snot central.”</p><p>Shane smirked. “Disgusting. Revolting.” I love you.</p><p>Ryan shrugged. “Nothing you haven’t seen before.”</p><p>Shane frowned for a moment. “That’s— if you do decide to… get pregnant, you’d be over here more often, right?”</p><p>Ryan shrugged but nodded. “Yeah I guess so.”</p><p>“Would you still be able to take your Benadryl? Oh man would we have a kid with cat allergies? I don’t know Ry, that might be a no go right there.”</p><p>Ryan laughed. “Oh fuck you man. Anyway I’m sure the doctors can give us the details if and when I go get pregnant. I’m not too worried about it.”</p><p>“But you worry about everything.”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “True. But with you and Sara, some things just make sense, you know?”</p><p>Oh Shane knew. He nodded and stared at the last piece of toast, pushing it away. He drummed his fingers on the table before standing up abruptly and darting off into the living room to grab Sara’s notebook. He turned the page and started writing.</p><p>“What are you doing?” Ryan asked, peering across the table at him.</p><p>“Writing down thoughts and questions. Sara started it last night so we can all be on the same page; I want to write down things we can remember to ask the doctors. Anything for the list?”</p><p>Ryan searched his brain, thinking about the things he’d have to do to safely stop his HRT. “I’ll have to talk to my endocrinologist— sooner rather than later. And then my OB/GYN, maybe a fertility specialist if things don’t… work.”</p><p>Sara walked into the kitchen still in her PJs. “Morning, what are we talking about?”</p><p>“My doctors,” Ryan said and Shane’s face darted up to glare at him.</p><p>“Wait a sec,” Shane said. “I thought we said we wouldn’t talk about this until Sara came here. How did we get here?”</p><p>“You wanted to ask about Benadryl while pregnant and didn’t want to forget it so you grabbed Sara’s ‘Knock Up Ryan’ book.”</p><p>Shane choked on the sip of coffee he was drinking and Sara laughed. “We’re not calling it that,” he complained roughly.</p><p>“Oh,” said Sara, “we are <em>definitely</em> calling it that.” She looked at Ryan as she grabbed her own coffee mug. “Providing you’re actually on board.”</p><p>“I’ve been telling him I am.”</p><p>Sara sat down with her coffee and sipped. She sat crosslegged in her chair and looked between Ryan and Shane. “I can see some conversation has happened here. Are we all on the same page now?”</p><p>“We didn’t… talk about, you know, the serious stuff yet.”</p><p>Ryan snagged the piece of toast from Shane’s saucer. “We talked about feelings and emotions and the ‘why’s of this.”</p><p>“What’s the why?” Sara asked.</p><p>“Why I decided to do this without a second thought,” Ryan explained. “Turns out some conversations make a deep impact on one person and the other person forgets they happened at all.” He grinned at Shane who just looked a bit sheepish. “I told Shane he’s the biggest reason I’m anywhere near as confident with my identity and my body as I am now. He’s the one who told me that if wanting children so bad didn’t make me a man, then he wasn’t one either.”</p><p>“This was a conversation like, four or five years ago, pease keep in mind,” Shane said to Sara.</p><p>“Anyway he’s the reason, no matter what he thinks, that I’m even able to have children today, that I started T, that I was okay with not getting surgery. It’s all because he said something that his brain probably immediately forgot, but mine latched onto forever. So… yeah.”</p><p>“Aww,” Sara cooed, making kissy faces at Shane. “How cute.”</p><p>“Yeah I’m helpful whatever.” Shane buried his face in his arm again blushing and Sara and Ryan laughed.</p><p>“Anyway, can we get to the nitty gritty now? I’m sure my Benadryl has worn off and I’d really love to get home before I come a wheeze fest.”</p><p>“We have Benadryl in the cabinet,” Sara said, “but yeah, let’s.”</p><p>Shane sat up and pushed the notebook in front of Sara with the pen set on top of it. Sara scanned over it and nodded. “These all make sense so far. Do you know when you can see your endocrinologist?”</p><p>“I have an appointment next week I think for a blood test. I can ask her then.” Ryan stood up and started brewing a new pot of coffee. “And I’ll call my OB/GYN when they open today and see if they can fit me in sometime soon.”</p><p>Sara nodded, scribbling things down. “Okay and we’ll have to talk fertility treatments and in vitro—”</p><p>“I—” Ryan’s face turned bright red. “Never mind.”</p><p>Shane immediately looked up at Ryan. Shane had spent the whole time wrestling with his own thoughts and everything and Ryan had been so sure. He really had to be struggling if he couldn’t articulate what he wanted.</p><p>“No, what’s up?” Shane asked. His gaze was intense and it made the flush spread down Ryan’s body.</p><p>“I was just— IVF is super expensive. Like… an average of $12,000 for once cycle expensive. And what if it doesn’t work the first time?”</p><p>“Well what else can we do Ryan?” Sara asked. “That’s— ”</p><p>“Well I was— I just— What—” Ryan groaned and ran his fingers down his face. “I was thinking— what about the old fashioned way? Cheaper, less… I don’t know— clinical? Oh god, that’s stupid.”</p><p>Shane’s face turned even brighter red than Ryan’s and Sara grinned between the two of them. “I think that’s a great idea,” she said. “What about you Shane?”</p><p>“I’m—” His hands were tapping the table in front of him and his leg was bouncing aggressively under the table. “I wouldn’t be <em>opposed</em>, but I— Ryan?”</p><p>“Wouldn’t have said it if I wasn’t… if it wasn’t an option.”</p><p>Sara looked tickled pink and the boys were bright red and refusing too look up from their coffee mugs. “Alright so we’ll cross off IVF but we’ll still talk about maybe fertility drugs, just to stimulate egg development and everything. I’m sure you can probably talk to your regular OB about that first, though.”Sara patted her body, searching for her phone. “Do one of you have your phones on you? I want to look up a conception planning guide.”</p><p>Ryan took his phone from his pocket and handed it to Sara. His background was a picture of the three of them, taken at one of their usual hangouts.</p><p>“Aww,” Sara cooed, teasing them again. “What a sap. Wait what’s your—” She watched as he tapped in a series of numbers and she grinned. “Nice password, Ry.” Ryan blushed. It was the three of their initials.</p><p>“Shut up,” he grumbled.</p><p>Sara typed on his phone and bit at her bottom lip as she looked through links. “Okay this one looks… understandable at least. It’s like a fill out check list for way before this point but I think it’ll serve our purposes.” She started writing things down and Ryan looked over to read it but her hand was in the way.</p><p>“Whatcha writing there?”</p><p>“It recommends taking folic acid to make sure there’s enough B vitamins in your system so the baby is healthy. You gotta stop drinking and probably smoking weed. I feel like those are givens though. Avoid environmental contaminants. Reach and maintain a healthy weight…” Sara looked up and down Ryan’s body and winked at him. “Check. Figure out your family medical history and…get healthy mentally.” She looked at the list. “Well technically the last step is have a healthy pregnancy but we have to actually get you pregnant first for that to happen.”</p><p>Ryan nodded, looking at the list. “What if…” Ryan bit at his lips and his eyebrows furrowed. “Okay let’s say that something about taking T damaged my ovaries or has eggs or something. What then? Would you look for a new surrogate or an egg donor or— When does—” He sighed. “Does my contribution have a best by date? Is there a point where you guys will be like ‘this isn’t working, let’s try something else’?”</p><p>Shane shook his head. “If it— I guess we’ve completely decided you’re our surrogate now. But if it doesn’t work with you then I guess it’s just not meant to be. I’m not going to let you think you let us down if nothing happens and then we get another surrogate— that’s not happening. If you’re going to volunteer, you’re it.” Sara and Ryan both looked at Shane. “I’m not— I told you both. I’m fine with not having kids. I’ve got my girlfriend, my ghoul friend, Obi— what more do I need? You guys are my family.”</p><p>“That’s pretty sappy of you, you know,” Ryan said.</p><p>“Pretty in tune with your emotions,” Sara agreed. “Very hot.”</p><p>Ryan grinned and looked away, wanting to agree, but not. “Okay so, if you’re really both fine with me, then this whole thingstarts when I talk to my doctors then? Is— I’m the one who starts the ball rolling?”</p><p>Sara looked over the list. “Yeah, I think so.”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “Cool, let’s do this. Let’s have a baby.” He turned and looked at Shane. “Shane?”</p><p>Shane ran his hands through his hair anxiously before setting his hands on the table in front of him. “Oh what the hell. Yeah, let’s do this.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>SMUT! </p><p>This chapter is all smut after the page break so if that's not your jam then skip. Not much happens until the last few paragraphs.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ryan was fidgeting behind his desk across from Shane. Ryan was normally a pretty hyped up guy but this was excessive.</p><p>“Ry, you okay?”</p><p>Ryan looked up from his computer monitor and raised his eyebrows. “Hmm? Oh, yeah no, I’m fine.”</p><p>Shane looked at him through narrowed eyes. “Mhmm,” he said. “Okay, I don’t believe you. I’ll grab Sara and we’ll go meet in Ghoul HQ.”</p><p>“How do you know it has anything to do with that?” Ryan asked as Shane stood up. “Maybe it has nothing to do with any of that.”</p><p>Shane raised his eyebrow and he snagged Ryan’s third cup out from in front of him. “Is this coffee?”</p><p>“It’s decaf,” Ryan defended.</p><p>“Were the first two?”</p><p>“They were decaf tea, promise.” Ryan stopped bouncing his leg and Shane sat the mug back on the desk. “I’m— Listen, I’m fine, okay?” He gave Shane a crooked grin and Shane relaxed a little bit. “I’m not— not jeopardizing anything, alright? I’m good. But can we talk in Ghoul HQ during lunch?”</p><p>“Yeah, everything alright?”</p><p>Ryan took a deep breath but nodded. “Everything’s okay.”</p><p>Shane narrowed his eyes at Ryan but sat back down on the edge his seat. “Yeah, alright.” He sat back in his seat and relaxed a bit, but kept his eyes on Ryan. There was a slight flush to his cheeks. He kept shifting in his seat. But Shane ignored it. Lunchtime was coming soon enough.</p><p>Ryan disappeared for ten minutes right before lunch and came back with a couple bags of food. “I brought us some— some, uh— food? Is that— Are you hungry?”</p><p>Shane grabbed the bags from Ryan’s hands and led them up to Ghoul HQ. Sara was already sitting inside, drawing in her sketchbook. “Hey boys.”</p><p>Shane set the food down and bent over to kiss Sara’s cheek. “Hey, Sare. I’m assuming Ryan asked you to come here. Did he tell you he’s been acting weird today?” Shane started unpacking the food and handed out the containers to the other two before grabbing his own. “He hasn’t sat still all day and I don’t think the decaf he said he was drinking was actually decaf.” He set a water bottle down in front of Ryan and looked pointedly at him.</p><p>“It was!” Ryan argued. “I made sure to ask Freddie— who made the coffee— and I checked the box of tea myself. And after that last cup of tea, I switched to water. So you can lose the ‘tude.” Ryan pulled out a container of mac and cheese and a fork and immediately dug in.</p><p>Shane looked at him from across the table. “So you got yourself mac and cheese but you didn’t get me any?”</p><p>“You’ve been mean to me all day,” Ryan pouted. “You were going to steal my coffee.”</p><p>“You were acting squirrelly and over caffeinated! I was trying to be helpful. Can I have a bite?”</p><p>Ryan looked at Shane’s pleading puppy eyes and relented. He scooped some noodles onto his fork and held it to Shane’s mouth. This was… intimate. Ryan’s cheeks flushed as Shane’s lips wrapped around it. Sara watched them and she blushed.</p><p>“So uh— what’t with the covert meeting in Ghoul HQ?” Sara asked. “Not that I mind but—”</p><p>Ryan looked to Sara, his breathing a little heavy. “Oh uh—” Ryan pulled the fork away from Shane’s mouth. “I’m pretty sure I’m either ovulating or about to if— If you want to start trying? I—” Ryan looked at Shane’s mouth again. “I’ve been sort of tracking my symptoms. And I’ve been off T for five months now and I’ve had two menstrual cycles, so…” Ryan flushed. Talking with Sara about his period would have been embarrassing enough, but talking with Shane there was even worse. “But I’m pretty sure. Symptoms and everything plus I got a positive ovulation test this morning.”</p><p>“So you <em>were</em> swaying your ass on purpose earlier,” Shane said. “Because I was watching.”</p><p>Ryan shook his head. “No? What— <em>When?</em>”</p><p>“When you went to get your water— your hips swayed a little more.”</p><p>Sara piped up. “That’s actually another ovulation symptom,” she pointed out. “Something to do with the tilt of the pelvis.” Shane watched Ryan’s face blush as he stared down into his bowl.</p><p>“So I— Tonight is probably the best chance this cycle to… to try. If you’re both… you know. I don’t— we haven’t actually talked about what’s going to happen or anything.” Ryan shifted in his seat and clenched his thighs.</p><p>“What do you want, Ryan? You’re doing this all for us but you have some say too,” Shane said. “You’ve changed your diet, you’ve taken fertility shots, you’re literally renting out your body to us— I was supposed to be paying for lunch, by the way. What do you want? What would make you feel most comfortable with the situation?”</p><p>Ryan stared at his mac and cheese and set it on the desk in front of himself. He reached back into the bag and pulled out a the containers of fruit and began picking at the pomegranate seeds. They actually were pretty good. They might stick around even after the baby came, if the baby came. Technically, they were supposed to boost sperm mobility or something but Ryan had tried some of Shane’s and he was the one eating most of them. He also had fruits in his bag, which were sweet— definitely the sugar kick he needed now that he was eating healthier.</p><p>Ryan’s lips wrapped absentmindedly around a strawberry and Shane couldn’t help but stare.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Ryan said honestly. “I really don’t. I’m sure you guys know I’ve never done this. With Helen it was never even an option and now I just— I don’t know. Also I packed these lunches myself from your fridge so you did pay for it.”</p><p>“When did we get so many health foods in our fridge?” Shane asked, looking at Sara.</p><p>“When Ryan refused to start eating fruits and vegetables from his own fridge.” Sara reached over and snagged one of Ryan’s fruits from his dish. “And I get to eat some too. It’s a win-win…win?”</p><p>“Plus half the time, I don’t have to make the food myself,” Ryan said. “The mac and cheese? Ordered it. Sara and I cut up all the fruits and vegetables though.”</p><p>Shane nodded. “So uh… are you coming home with us tonight, Ry?”</p><p>Ryan, having finally gotten rid of the blush, turned pink again. “If you want me to,” he said. “Yeah.”</p><p>Shane raked his eyes up the length of Ryan’s body. “I do,” he growled. “I really, really do.”</p><hr/><p>When the three of them arrived back at the house, Shane found it nearly impossible to keep his hands off Ryan. Ryan was pinned against the wall just inside the door and Shane looked down at him. Ryan had never had someone loom over him like that and honestly, he felt like he could get high off this feeling.</p><p>“Wanna go upstairs?” Shane asked. His voice was low and husky. He was hard in his pants, pressed against Ryan’s hip.</p><p>Ryan nodded, his chest heaving. “Is Sara coming too?”</p><p>“If you want her to, she can. She will.” Shane used one hand to hold Ryan’s hip against the wall, the other was beside Ryan’s head. “She can watch, she can participate… she can read a book and just sit nearby so she’s there if you need her— whatever you want. Tonight is all about you, Ry. Just say the word and it’s yours.” *<em>You want the moon? Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.</em>*</p><p>Ryan was grinding his hips up against Shane’s cock. “You— She’s got a strap, right? Can she fuck me first?”</p><p>Shane groaned, latching his mouth on Ryan’s neck. “Whatever you want, just ask her. She’s been dreaming of having the chance. She was jealous that I’d get to fuck you. Imagine her surprise, imagine how wet she’ll be when she finds out you want her to fuck you first.”</p><p>Sara came in from the living room just then and sidled up next to them against the wall. “How’s it going in here boys? You know, the bed is not only comfier, it’ll improve your chances far more than standing up against a wall. Gravity and all.”</p><p>Shane grabbed Sara’s chin and pulled her lips up to his. “Ryan wants you to fuck him with your strap before I even get the chance to. What do you think about that?”</p><p>Ryan whined, still pinned by Shane’s body, now with a front row view to Sara and Shane making out. He wanted them to kiss him like that. Ryan reached out for Sara’s hand and threaded their fingers together.</p><p>Sara looked up at Ryan and grinned. “I’d love to. I’ll go get myself ready.” She winked at Ryan and pushed off the wall. “Were we thinking an actual strap or strapless? Double ended dildo? What are we talking here?”</p><p>Ryan’s voice was hoarse. “Anything’s fine. Lady’s choice.”</p><p>Sara hummed and sauntered off. “Shane? Keep him nice and worked up for me, won’t you baby?”</p><p>Shane saluted Sara and turned back to Ryan, hitching his leg up around Shane’s hip. “It’s a lot easier to reach you like this than Sara— height differences of course. If you want, one of these days I can fuck you just like this— right here.” Shane thrust his hips, his cock pressing against Ryan’s clit through their jeans. “Think I could talk you into a skirt?” Ryan nodded and Shane grinned. “Fuck Ry I bet you’d look hot all dressed up like that for me. Maybe I’ll fuck you while *<em>I</em>* wear a skirt. Sara’s gotten me a few.”</p><p>Ryan groaned, burying his face against Shane’s shoulder. “Fuck Shane, that’d be so hot.”</p><p>“You remember the cheerleading outfit? We’ve got that up there too. Fits a littler tighter than it used to but it’s just as hot.” Shane ground his hips up against Ryan’s again. “Maybe I’ll get you to ride me. We’ll give those thighs the leg day workout you need, hmm?”</p><p>“Way to dirty talk me and insult me all at once,” Ryan said. “I’m not sure I should have expected anything different.” Ryan looked at Shane’s arm, still beside his head and then back to his eyes. “Catch me.” Ryan jumped up and wrapped his legs around Shane’s waist and he ground down against him.</p><p>Shane’s hands moved to Ryan’s ass and Shane separated them, his fingers digging into the skin. Shane was ready to fuck Ryan senseless. He didn’t know how much foreplay he could take if it was all like this. Shane reached between them and unbuttoned Ryan’s jeans. He just needed enough room to slip his hand inside, get his hands on Ryan’s bare skin.</p><p>“Fuck you’re so hot. I’ve wanted this for so long you know. Pretty much since we met. I took one look at you and I just— fuck I wanted to bend you over right there. And shit, Ry. You’ve only gotten hotter since I’ve known you. Look at you now. Grab on.”</p><p>Ryan wrapped his arms around Shane’s neck and held on tight as Shane pulled them away from the wall. Ryan gasped as Shane carried him. “You’re stronger than you look,” he said breathlessly. “It’s pretty hot.” Ryan leaned into Shane’s body, kissing whatever skin he could reach as Shane carried him… to the bathroom?</p><p>“Sara’s still getting ready but just— take a look at how hot you are Ryan.”</p><p>Shane turned them to the side and Ryan pulled his face from Shane’s neck to look in the mirror. His pants were loose from where Shane had unbuttoned them, his shirt rucked up to his hips. His face was pink, his lips swollen and shiny with spit. But Shane… Shane had only ever looked like this in his dreams. In his deepest, raunchiest, wettest dreams. Well— almost.</p><p>Ryan reached for Shane’s shirt hem and pulled it up, leaning back to sit on the counter to force Shane’s arms out. “Less clothes,” Ryan moaned. “C’mon.”</p><p>Shane helped Ryan pull his shirt off and then he worked at Ryan’s. It was pinned between them as Shane’s mouth found Ryan’s neck again and Shane picked him up. “Bedroom. Now.” Shane carried him up the stairs with no problem and fuck, was that hot. Ryan couldn’t seem to do anything but pull his shirt out from between them and drop it on the stairs as they climbed.</p><p>Sara was sitting on the bed, her strap erect between her legs. “I got you the pink one, Ry. I know how good pink looks against your skin.”</p><p>Ryan turned around to look at Sara and stifled a whimper. She’d put on lingerie for him too— light blue and lacy, think material that didn’t really cover anything.</p><p>“Trans colors,” Shane pointed out. “Nice.”</p><p>Sara laughed and spit on her cock, spreading it out down the length. “Not intentional this time. Just thought Ryan would like to see me and the black set is a little much for a first time, don’t you think?”</p><p>“What’s the black one?” Ryan rasped out.</p><p>Shane hummed against Ryan’s neck. “A man of taste, aren’t you?”</p><p>Ryan fucked himself down against Shane’s cock and nodded. “That’s why I’m here.”</p><p>Sara walked over to Shane and grabbed a handful of his ass. “Get him on the bed for me and get those jeans off.”</p><p>Shane tossed Ryan in the middle of the mattress, making him laugh. He crawled up Ryan’s body and hooked his fingers in Ryan’s waistband, yanking them down his thighs. He kissed the skin that appeared, nipping and sucking down Ryan’s thighs. Ryan whimpered and bucked his hips up, giving Shane enough room to get the pants down to his ankles.</p><p>“Fuck, look at those underwear,” Shane groaned. Ryan had a pair of black lacy briefs stretched over his hips.</p><p>“It was— I had to be able to check uh… discharge consistency and it’s hard to do that in boxers.”</p><p>Shane grinned. “I’m sure the black lace really helped with that, didn’t it?” He moved beside Ryan, giving Sara space to slide between his legs.</p><p>Ryan buried his face into the blanket before looking back at Shane. “That— the lace was for you,” he replied.</p><p>Shane moaned and kissed Ryan. Their first kiss was hot and heavy and a little sloppy and Shane couldn’t get enough. Ryan was suppressing whimpers and Shane just wanted to make him forget all his insecurities. He wanted Ryan to get loud, to cry out and whimper and writhe.</p><p>Ryan’s hand came up to cup the back of Shane’s head and hold him closer. He relished the taste of Shane against his lips. Sara was thumbing at the leg seam of the panties, pushing them up between Ryan’s lips, soaking them. Ryan whimpered against Shane’s mouth and Shane growled. Sara grinned up at the two and pressed two fingers against Ryan, his pussy dripping wet. She shoved the panties into his cunt, watching them darken. God, he was so fucking wet. His cock left a bump in the fabric and Sara thumbed at it, rubbing circles.</p><p>Ryan’s hips jumped away from the mattress and his feet scrambled for purchase on the sheets. He thrust himself up against Sara’s hand only for her to force him back down by his hips.</p><p>“You’re so fucking eager, aren’t you?” Sara pulled the underwear off to the side and rubbed Ryan’s pussy with her strap on. “You don’t need any lube or anything. Look at you,” she murmured. “Gorgeous.”</p><p>Ryan pulled away from Shane then to look at Sara. His hair was wild, curling around his face. His glasses were half skewed and Sara grinned down at him. Shane looked down to where Sara was teasing Ryan, the head of her strap on already glistening.</p><p>“Don’t take too long,” Shane said, “or it’ll all be over before it can really begin.”</p><p>“Maybe you should go get a cock ring then,” Sara shot back at him. “Ryan’s being so good, so fucking handsome like this, why wouldn’t I take my time? Maybe I should get my bigger strap, really get you ready for how big Shane is.” Shane stood up and Sara slid her fingers in Ryan’s pussy and twisted. “Then again, you’re so wet he might just slip right in.” Sara lined the cock up to Ryan’s pussy and eased in until her hips were flush against Ryan’s pubic bone. “God you’re so pretty like this. Not as noisy as I expected though,” she pointed out.</p><p>Ryan looked down at where his and Sara’s bodies met and watched her strap disappear inside him. Her pubis was covered in thick dark curls that were rubbing against his cock in a deliciously painful way.</p><p>“Don’t worry,” she said with a wink. “Shane will fix that. He’ll stretch you out so fucking good, baby.” Sara pulled back and started thrusting at a relentless place. “He’s going to stretch you out and cum so deep inside you that you won’t have any choice but to get pregnant. How’s that sound?”</p><p>Ryan was nearly gasping with need, his breathing heavy. “Sports bra— off,” he panted. “Please.”</p><p>Sara turned around and found Shane adjusting the cock ring. “Shane,” she singsonged. “Ryan needs help stripping.”</p><p>Shane was on the bed in an instant, picking Ryan’s torso up and sliding under him. The glasses came off first, landing haphazardly on the nightstand. Shane’s hands reached for the bottom of the sports bra and yanked it up over Ryan’s tits. “God you’re fucking gorgeous,” Shane murmured. Sara pushed Ryan’s legs up to his chest and continued her relentless pace. Their bodies were slapping together, Sara’s thighs against Ryan’s ass. “Look at you two. You’re so fucking good, Ryan.” Ryan’s back arched and Shane helped tug the tight elastic off over his head and tossed it to the floor. “What’s with the sports bra baby?”</p><p>Ryan looked up at Shane, his eyes dark with desire. “My tits hurt too bad to bind this morning.”</p><p>Shane cooed pitifully at Ryan and reached around to thumb at his nipples. “Do you want me to kiss them better?” Shane asked, with a sardonic grin.</p><p>Ryan nodded. “Yes please,” he whispered.</p><p>Shane dropped his body back to the mattress and crawled alongside Ryan. “You’re so fucking handsome like this. Look how your skin just flushes pink.” He wrapped his lips around Ryan’s nipple and moaned. Ryan’s skin tasted so fucking good. His tongue teased Ryan’s nipple and sucked it until it hardened as much as it could before pulling off with a pop.</p><p>Ryan wrapped a fist in Shane’s hair and pulled him to his other tits, demanding the same attention. Shane obliged, teasing Ryan’s nipple with his teeth. Ryan’s abs tensed under Sara’s hand as he curled up against Shane’s mouth. His mouth fell open, a silent gasp.</p><p>“Come on, Ryan, let us hear you,” Sara coaxed. Ryan looked into her eyes and gasped as Shane reached down to grab his cock. Ryan whimpered and Sara grinned, her eyes sparkling dangerously. “Good, but I think you can do better than that. Shane, move your hand.”</p><p>Shane’s hand moved and Sara reached down to flick Ryan’s swollen cock. He whined, partly from the pain but fuck that felt good.</p><p>“Ooh, a little pain slut, huh?” Sara asked teasingly. “We love that here, don’t we Shane?”</p><p>Shane bit Ryan’s nipple again, harder this time, and Ryan stifled his whine. Shane pulled off his nipple and looked at Ryan, looked at how he was biting his lip to stay quiet, and bit the fleshy skin of Ryan’s breast.</p><p>Sara reached over and spanked Shane’s ass, making him jolt and release Ryan. “You didn’t ask if you could mark him, asshole.”</p><p>“It’s fine. It’s great,” Ryan gasped. “I’m on board.”</p><p>Shane grinned at Ryan, turned around to stick his tongue out at Sara, and began to suck a bruise on Ryan’s chest. “ ‘m gonna mark you all to hell, baby.” <em>Gonna make you mine.</em></p><p>Ryan looked at Shane, his eyes heavy with arousal. “Wanna suck your cock,” he murmured.</p><p>Shane looked up at him, his lips red and swollen. “Wanna suck yours too,” he said. “Sara?” Sara hummed and looked down at Shane. “Flip him over.” Shane situated himself on the bed, his ass my the headboard while Sara pulled out and helped Ryan on top of him. Shane’s tongue teased at Ryan’s pussy as Sara pushed past him with the dildo.</p><p>Ryan wasn’t about to tease Shane. His lips wrapped around Shane’s cock and took him in until Shane hit the back of his throat. He moaned; he’d never sucked cock before but this feeling of being filled from both directions was heady. His tongue teased around Shane’s hard length. Spit dripped down and pooled around Shane’s balls. The more spit gathered, the more it pooled, until it oozed down Shane’s ass.</p><p>Shane groaned and his mouth wrapped around Ryan’s cock. “So good,” he mumbled. Sara was pounding Ryan, forcing Shane’s cock deeper in Ryan’s throat and Ryan wasn’t moving to stop it. He sucked and whimpered around Shane, encouraging him to go deeper. Ryan tried to swallow some of the extra spit in his mouth, swallowing around Shane’s cock and Shane growled, forcing his hips to stay against the mattress.</p><p>Ryan fucked his cock into Shane’s mouth as Sara fucked him. He was whimpering around Shane’s cock and Sara grinned down at them. She yanked Ryan’s hips up, his cock falling from Shane’s lips, and her thrusts became relentless. Shane stared at them, stared at the place where Sara’s strap slapped hard against Ryan’s pussy. He stared at how she stretched him, how Ryan’s juices were running down, gathering at his cock. Shane leaned in and teased Ryan’s cock with his tongue. Ryan pulled off Shane’s cock and gasped. Sara’s thrusts were punctuated with Ryan whimpering moans.</p><p>When Ryan came, his body pressed against Shane, his knees squeezed Shane’s head. His nails dug into Shane’s thigh. Sara pulled out and leaned back and Ryan collapsed onto Shane’s face. Shane wrapped his arms around Ryan’s thighs, pulling them open. He groaned weakly. “Ryan baby you taste so fucking good.”</p><p>Ryan huffed a small laugh and weakly stuck his thumb up. Sara was laughing as she helped Ryan adjust himself back onto the mattress.</p><p>“Thumbs up,” Sara teased. “What a high compliment.”</p><p>Ryan laid on his back and reached over to stroke Shane’s cock. “Sorry I wasn’t as good as you two were,” he said weakly. “Gimme a sec to— I think you guys fucked my brain out through my pussy.”</p><p>Shane wrapped his hand on top of Ryan’s and stroked his cock. “If I didn’t have the ring on, you definitely would have been swallowing cum,” Shane said. He sat up and turned himself around, laying alongside Ryan. “Sara, your turn to come next?”</p><p>“Think you can last that long?” Sara teased.</p><p>“Not without the cock ring,” Shane admitted sheepishly.</p><p>Sara waved him on. “I’ll just take care of myself. I want to watch you.”</p><p>Shane leaned over Ryan to kiss Sara. Her tongue pushed into his mouth and she moaned. She could taste Ryan all over his face. Shane pulled back and smiled against her lips. “Good girl,” Shane said and Ryan exhaled sharply beneath him. Shane look down and smirked. “You okay, Ryan?”</p><p>“I’m good,” Ryan said. “Great, fantastic. You saying that did nothing to me at all.”</p><p>Shane leaned down and kissed Ryan. “Ryan do you want to be a good girl too? A good boy?”</p><p>Ryan pulled Shane back down to him, wrapping his legs around Shane’s waist. “Just wanna be good,” he whispered desperately.</p><p>Shane pet Ryan’s hair and cupped his face. “You’re so good, Ry. Always. The fact you’re even allowing this is more than I ever could have asked for.” Shane was so careful with Ryan after that, a sharp contrast to how Sara had fucked him. Sara had fucked him hard, desperate; it was just how he’d wanted it when he had asked. Shane was determined to unravel every fiber of his being.</p><p>Shane kissed him gently, like it was something he’d always wanted to do. It made Ryan’s heart soar, but his stomach drop. If it weren’t for… their deal, this wouldn’t be happening. His hands were slow, careful as they mapped out his body.</p><p>“Hey buddy,” Ryan said, lifting Shane’s chin to look at him. “Ovulation period ending here, get to it.”</p><p>Shane snatched a pillow from under Ryan’s head and shoved it over his face. “Quiet, I’m working. I gotta make sure this sticks.” He took the pillow off a giggling Ryan’s face and shoved it under Ryan’s hips.</p><p>Sara laughed from beside them. “He’s got a point, Shane. You’re kinda blue balling me over here.”</p><p>“I rescind my earlier good girl,” Shane said, sticking out his tongue. Shane grabbed another pillow and set it behind himself. “Fine, I’ll stop the sweet stuff then and just get down to the pounding, since apparently that’s what you need.”</p><p>“You couldn’t stop the sweet stuff if you tried,” Sara laughed. “Not now.” She was finally sliding out of the strap harness and pulling the dildo out of place. The harness hit the floor with a solid thunk. Sara stared at Ryan, his lips parted slightly as he watched her take the dildo, slick with his cum, and slide it into her own pussy.</p><p>That was intoxicating enough but Shane took the opportunity to slide his cock to the hilt in Ryan’s pussy. A nasally moan escaped from Ryan’s mouth and his eyes rolled back. His head hit the mattress and Shane looked down at him, his gaze reverent.</p><p>“You good?”</p><p>Ryan nodded, opening his eyes to look at Shane. Shane’s hands were tracing lines up Ryan’s thighs, holding them apart. Shane rotated his hips, making Ryan squirm beneath him. Shane was slow, careful with Ryan. It was as if he was only going to have this one opportunity to be like this. And who knows, Ryan thought, maybe that’s their plan.</p><p>Tears welled in Ryan’s eyes and he laughed, a quiet shaky laugh. “Sorry,” he sniffled. “I don’t know why I’m crying.”</p><p>Shane reached up and used his thumb to wipe away the tears. “You okay? Do you want to stop?”</p><p>Ryan reached up and scrubbed at his own eyes. “No way,” he said. “I’m good.” There was no way he was stopping this just because he was caught up in his own feelings. He loved Shane and Sara with all his heart; there was no way he wasn’t taking this opportunity to show them that.</p><p>“Promise you’ll tell me if that changes,” Shane said, kissing him.</p><p>“Promise,” Ryan whispered. He held his breath as Shane shifted, pressing their chests together. His thrusts were slow, intentional. Ryan’s fingers traced small hearts on his shoulder blades. Sara was just beside Ryan and he reached out and took her free hand in his, locking their fingers together. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to just feel.</p><p>Sara’s grip tightened on his hand when she came, her breath coming out in harsh groans. Shane must have leaned over and tasted her, or kissed her or something; Ryan could feel his face shift away from his neck. Shane shifted back and left small kisses just below Ryan’s ear. He propped himself up on his elbows and Ryan could feel the faint stick of sweat between their bodies.</p><p>Shane groped around for Ryan’s free hand— the one that wasn’t already holding Sara’s— and pinned it up beside their heads, entwining their fingers. Ryan opened his eyes and saw Shane staring at his face. Shane’s eyes were dark, his eyelids heavy.</p><p>“God, Ryan. You’re so beautiful. I lo— I’ll never be able to thank you for this.”</p><p>Ryan didn’t want to be thanked; that wasn’t why he was doing this. “No need.” He squeezed Shane’s hands and Shane returned it with a kiss.</p><p>Shane pushed up and looked down between their bodies. His thrusts sped up and his cheeks flushed. “I’m gonna cum,” he panted.</p><p>“Do it,” Ryan ordered. “Fill me up.”</p><p>There were a few sloppy thrusts and Shane was buried inside him. He was holding his breath, harsh puffs escaping from his nose. Shane looked down at Ryan with a sated smile and brushed Ryan’s hair back before rolling off him and climbing from the bed.</p><p>Ryan felt a harsh array of emotions. He felt empty, alone, but tired and satisfied. He was definitely crying again though. Sara was the one to wipe the tears away this time. “You okay?”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “Empty,” he said with a harsh laugh.</p><p>Sara looked over at the nightstand and scratched her neck in thought. “Well,” she started, “we have a uh— we have a vaginal plug. We bought it for you, to keep everything in. You know, increase the chances and whatnot.”</p><p>Ryan nodded, the movements jerky. “Please,” he whispered desperately. “Please.”</p><p>Shane walked back in as Ryan gasped with the plug’s intrusion. Ryan closed his eyes and his breathing quieted and slowed as he fell asleep. The tear tracks were drying on his cheeks but his brow wasn’t scrunched anymore.</p><p>Shane climbed on the bed and carefully cleaned Ryan’s skin with a warm washcloth. He shifted the pillows under Ryan’s hips so he looked more comfortable and he handed the washcloth over to Sara. “You need this?”</p><p>Sara kissed Shane and patted his cheek. She took the washcloth from his hands and climbed off the bed. “I’m going to go shower and clean stuff up. Why don’t you guys get snuggled in for the night?” She walked off to the bathroom and closed the door behind her.</p><p>Shane took one look at Ryan, resting somewhat peacefully on top of their sheets and blankets and chuckled. He grabbed the top of the blankets and tried to ease them past Ryan without waking him. He managed to get as far as his lower back when Ryan shifted. “Shh,” he soothed, “just grabbing the blankets.”</p><p>Ryan shifted his hips up for Shane and waited for Shane to put the pillows back in place before lowering himself back to the mattress. His breathing evened out again and Shane sighed. He sidled up beside Ryan, curling into his side. Ryan’s head turned toward Shane and Shane held his breath. He didn’t want to wake Ryan up now. “I love you,” Ryan mumbled and turned back the other way.</p><p>Shane stared at him incredulously. Ryan didn’t know what he was saying. It was all just post-sex haze. It had to be. Shane pulled the blankets up Ryan’s chest and laid there watching him sleep. Was it creepy? Probably. But Shane figured Ryan had done the same on plenty of ghost investigations; now it was Shane’s turn.</p><p>Sara was quiet as she pulled on clothes after her shower. She climbed into bed on the opposite side of Ryan and set her hand on Shane’s. “Remind me in the morning to wash that lingerie. I should’ve taken it off when I was done with Ry. It’s soaked.”</p><p>“We’ll wash Ryan’s stuff too,” Shane mumbled, his voice tuck with emotion.</p><p>Sara sat up and looked at him in the evening light. “Are you okay?”</p><p>“Ry said he loved me,” Shane whispered. “He was mostly asleep when he said it so I won’t take it to heart but…”</p><p>“But you’re all boned up about it, huh?”</p><p>Shane laughed. “Can’t get boned up about it for a while,” he said. “That was… not cumming for three or four days plus the edging you did this morning was… it definitely helped.”</p><p>Sara hummed. “I’ve been helping Ry track his cycle. I knew it was coming.”</p><p>Shane nodded and stared at Ryan. He could sleep; he wasn’t really tired-tired and it wasn’t really late but Ryan’s breathing was calming. Ryan shifted in his sleep and Shane held his breath again As Ryan turned on his side and pressed his back to Shane’s chest. Shane’s eyes grew wide and Sara laughed at him.</p><p>“I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to touch him you know. It’s part of your aftercare ritual. And it was also one of the things on Ryan’s list of necessary aftercare.” Sara scooted closer to Ryan and slung her arm over his hip. “Just because you didn’t do a rough scene, doesn’t mean you don’t need aftercare. It was still emotionally intense.”</p><p>“Everything about the last six months has been emotionally intense, Sare,” Shane said. He pressed a kiss to the back of Ryan’s head. “I love him so much.”</p><p>Sara smiled sadly. “I know… I’m sure he loves you too.”</p><p>Shane curled farther into Ryan’s side and closed his eyes. “What a perfect dream,” he murmured.</p><hr/><p>Ryan woke up once in the middle of the night to just watch Sara asleep. He’d seen Shane asleep plenty of times on investigations, on planes, on car rides… Shane seemed to be able to sleep just about anywhere.</p><p>Shane’s chest was pressing against him with every breath he took. His breath brushed across Ryan’s ear. Sara’s curls were in his face and her face was curled into his neck. Neither Shane nor Sara had pillows and Ryan shifted, remembering they were under his hips. He squeaked as the plug inside him shifted and Shane shifted behind him, pressing it even deeper.</p><p>Sara opened her eyes sleepily and looked up at him. “You okay?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Ryan said, his voice horse. “Peachy.” He shifted again, more carefully this time, and Sara grinned.</p><p>“Oh,” she said. “Want it out?”</p><p>Ryan shook his head and pressed back against Shane. “Gotta increase those chances, baby,” he mumbled. “Baby chances baby. Gotta— gotta up those baby numbers.” He yawned and closed his eyes.</p><p>Sara chuckled. “Goodnight Ryan.”</p><p>“G’night,” he said sleepily.</p><p>The next time he woke up, Shane had wrapped both arms around Ryan’s middle. He had one hand pressed low on Ryan’s stomach, right where his uterus was. Right where their baby would grow. Ryan’s heart leaped at the thought. He knew the chances that he’d get pregnant the first time were almost none but… part of him hoped he would. He wasn’t sure if he could handle these feelings if they had to try too long. He’d end up saying something stupid and he’d ruin his and Shane’s relationship and then if he found out he was pregnant after that, what if Shane didn’t let him see the baby and—</p><p>“Good morning,” Shane mumbled lowly in his ear. His cock was pressing between Ryan’s legs, pushing against the plug.</p><p>“Good morning,” Ryan said. “How’d you sleep?” Ryan turned around carefully, the plug shifting inside him anyway. His face was so close to Shane’s now.</p><p>“Amazing,” Shane said. “I might just keep you around for the sleep.”</p><p>Ryan buried his face in Shane’s collarbone and closed his eyes. “Yeah,” Ryan whispered.</p><p>“How’d you sleep? You were passed out before I could even clean you off.” Shane drew lines on Ryan’s shoulders, his fingers following the lines of muscles. “Felt a little pervy to clean you off while you were sleeping but I figured you’d be more angry about waking up sticky.”</p><p>Ryan curled into the blankets. “I’d hate to get your bed all dirty.”</p><p>Shane reached down and cupped Ryan’s ass, pressing his fingers against the plug still in Ryan’s pussy. “You never took it out?”</p><p>Ryan shook his head and pulled back to look at Shane’s face. “Didn’t want to take any chances. Didn’t— didn’t want to lower the chances at all.”</p><p>Shane leaned down and kissed Ryan, his tongue slipping between Ryan’s lips. He turned Ryan on his back and pressed him into the mattress. “Up for another try?”</p><p>“Sara…?” Ryan said questioningly.</p><p>“She might be mad if I <em>didn’t</em> have sex with you,” Shane said with a smirk. “She said she’s been helping you track your cycle?” Ryan nodded. “I’m sure she won’t care. She’ll probably high five you at the kitchen table or something.”</p><p>“Is she making me breakfast?” Ryan asked.</p><p>Shane laughed. “I’m sure she’s making <em>us</em> breakfast.”</p><p>Ryan hummed and wrapped his legs around Shane’s hips. “I didn’t get supper last night because of you so you’d better make sure I don’t miss breakfast too. I’ll get cranky.”</p><p>Shane laughed and reached down between Ryan’s legs and twisted the plug, shifting it. “I think I can handle you at your crankiest but I’ll make sure you eat. Wanna eat first instead?”</p><p>Ryan shifted the pillows back under his hips. “You’ve got strawberries in your fridge. I might be interested in combining the two. You know, save time, be more efficient, blah blah blah.” Ryan reached down and stroked Shane’s cock relishing how he groaned against Ryan’s neck. “Think if I asked Sara, she’d bring them up?”</p><p>“Only if she gets to feed you,” Shane said, his voice hoarse. Shane leaned back onto his heels. “Sara!” he called, “Ryan wants to know if you’ll feed him strawberries in bed!”</p><p>“Be right there!” she called and Shane could hear her moving around quickly downstairs.</p><p>“Now that that’s taken care of,” Shane said, moving to hover back over Ryan. “Where were we?”</p><p>Ryan reached back down and took Shane’s cock in hand again. “Well, I was here,” he said, stroking. His hand twisted around the head and Shane whimpered. “And you were about to take that plug out of me, I think. You know I’m pretty sure I could’ve cum just from that stupid plug while I was asleep. It definitely was influencing my dreams.”Shane’s eyes brighten mischievously. “Oh yeah? What’d you dream about?”</p><p>
  <em>You, me, Sara. More sex. A little brown haired baby with loose curls— maybe a little girl? A blonde haired boy a few years later. Even more sex. A wedding, a second, spiritual wedding. Another baby. Sex. A puppy. A few more cats.</em>
</p><p>Ryan smirked. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”</p><p>Shane grabbed hold of the plug and eased the plug out, dropping it on the blanket.</p><p>Ryan wrinkled his nose. “Gross.”</p><p>“Blankets wash,” Shane said with a shrug. He swooped down to cover Ryan’s body again, plastering kisses all over his face and neck until Ryan was giggling uncontrollably. “Besides, all night, you’ve had your ass on the pillows Sara and I use to sleep on, Ryan. I don’t think a little cum on the blankets is a deal breaker.”</p><p>“You’ve also had your mouth all over my vag, dude.”</p><p>“Okay, so why are you complaining?” Shane asked laughing.</p><p>“I don’t know! It was just covered in cum and you dropped it on your blankets!”</p><p>Shane picked the plug up off the blankets and sucked it in his mouth, cleaning it off. Ryan immediately shut up, his cheeks flushed. Shane pulled it out with a pop and tossed it back on the blanket. “There, better?”</p><p>“Uh— yeah,” Ryan stammered. “Better.”</p><p>Sara opened the door, a container of strawberries in her hand. “Am I to assume you’re going to call in sick today?” she asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.</p><p>“Wouldn’t it be a little suspicious if we both took off on the same day?” Shane asked, looking at her.</p><p>Sara shrugged and held a strawberry to Ryan’s lips and watched his lips wrap around it. “As squirrelly and fidgeting and flushed as Ryan was all day yesterday? They’d believe a fever in an instant. And since you two are always together on ghost hunts and just every day life, it’d be more surprising if you didn’t get sick too.”</p><p>“I wasn’t that bad yesterday,” Ryan mumbled, licking strawberry juice off his lips.</p><p>Sara smirked and leaned down to kiss Ryan’s strawberry stained lips. “Of course not baby.”</p><p>“I thought you were over caffeinated,” Shane said, leaning in to kiss Ryan’s neck. “There’s no way someone else didn’t notice how jumpy you were.”</p><p>“Well they can just keep it to themselves,” Ryan said, wrapping his arms around Shane’s neck. “I’m willing to call in. Gotta stay elevated.” Ryan grabbed the pillows and adjusted them under his hips.</p><p>“I’ll call in first,” Shane said, “and you call in a little later. I’m usually up around this time anyway. No one’s every going to think about you being awake and aware now. Plus Sara can go around and tell everyone we got sick at some haunt. You thought the ghosts were making the place cold but obviously it was just drafty and we got sick.” Shane plucked a strawberry from the bowl. “And besides, it’s Friday so we’ve got two days off coming anyway. Just enough time to feel better.”</p><p>“Wouldn’t Matty and Teej and all the rest of the crew be sick too?”</p><p>“We were the only ones who slept on the floor though. Which, why wouldn’t we sleep on the bed that was right there? Sure like… three people died in that bed while asleep but that’s all just coincidence.”</p><p>Sara shoved a strawberry in Shane’s mouth. “As riveting as this conversation is, it’s horrendous foreplay.”</p><p>Shane shoved the strawberry into his cheek and smirked around it, making Ryan laugh beneath him. Shane lined his cock up and slid into Ryan with no resistance. “Ryan doesn’t need foreplay. He’d just always revved up.”</p><p>Ryan, who sighed as Shane filled him, looked up and rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t say I never need foreplay.” Shane rolled his hips and fucked Ryan with long, slow thrusts. Ryan inhaled sharply. “But right now? No; no foreplay.” Shane started at a brutal pace, a sharp contrast from last night and Ryan moaned. “Wait, wait, wait—” he whimpered. “Hold on.” Shane stopped and Ryan pushed him off, rolling over onto his hands and knees. He shifted down to his elbows and wiggled his ass at Shane. “Alright, I’m good.”</p><p>Shane growled and held Ryan in place, his hand heavy on Ryan’s back. His cock slid deep into Ryan’s pussy and Ryan sighed. Sara leaned over and pressed a strawberry to Ryan’s mouth and he bit through it, juice trickling down his chin.</p><p>“You’re so pretty like this, Ryan,” Sara whispered. “Shane stretches you good, huh? Bet you won’t last long like this.”</p><p>Ryan shook his head and reached to take the rest of the strawberry in his mouth, his tongue squishing it against the roof of his mouth. Something about being fed while he was being fucked was both domestic and really hot. A hand reached between Ryan’s legs and massaged at his cock.</p><p>“You’re so hard, Ryan,” Sara murmured. “You feel so fucking good. I hope I get the chance to suck you off one of these days.” Sara took his cock between her fingers and jerked him off, adoring the breathy whines that were coming from his mouth. “Are you close?”</p><p>Ryan’s head jerked, nodding against the pillow as Shane pushed him off his elbows. “Gonna cum,” he breathed. His abs were rippling as they tensed. His cock was throbbing under Sara’s hand.</p><p>“Shane too,” Sara said, looking over at him. “You should see how concentrated he is on your ass right now.”</p><p>“I can feel it,” Ryan mumbled.</p><p>“You’re gonna be part of his jerk off fantasies for so long after this. I bet your pussy clenches around him and he’s gonna cum in you just like that. He won’t even be able to stop himself from filling you up.”</p><p>Shane chuckled, out of breath. “Christ, Sare. Come on Ryan, cum for me.”</p><p>Ryan heard the gravelly breathless sound of Shane’s voice and he came. He could feel his pussy get slicker, Shane’s thrusts get less controlled. Shane’s hand moved off Ryan’s back and he grabbed Ryan’s waist, slamming into him once, twice, then slumping over Ryan’s back with a shuddering moan.</p><p>Shane pulled out and pressed a kiss to Ryan’s spine before pressing the plug back into place. Ryan took the pillow under his head, added it to the pile under his hips, and relaxed bonelessly into the bed.</p><p>“Now none of us have pillows,” he mumbled and Shane and Sara laughed quietly on either side of him.</p><p>Sara pressed a kiss to Ryan’s cheek and leaned over him to kiss Shane. “I have to go to work,” she said. “I’ll see you when I get home?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Shane said, “we’ll be here. Bye Sara. Love you!”</p><p>“Love you too,” she called, walking out the door.</p><p>Ryan pulled his face out of the mattress and looked towards the door. “Bye Sara!” he called down the stairs. He turned to look at Shane and flipped himself over. “Who’s gonna call in first?”</p><p>Shane reached over on the nightstand and grabbed his phone. “I’ll call first,” he said, “and you can call when you’re a little more coherent. Why don’t you go snuggle Obi and we’ll really get that sick, stuffy sound from you.”</p><p>“Don’t wanna steal all your Benadryl,” Ryan said. “I’ll be fine. I’ll just— I don’t know— I’ll cough a few times or something.” He reached over and grabbed a strawberry from where Sara left them on the mattress and put it in his mouth, biting the stem off. He turned it in his mouth and stuck it back out at Shane who was trying not to smile as the phone rang.</p><p>Shane leaned down and bit the strawberry in half, jerking up as someone answered the phone. Ryan focused on his strawberries, blocking out Shane’s conversation until he heard his name. He paused, his teeth halfway through a strawberry.</p><p>“Yeah, well he might not be in either… Well he was acting feverish yesterday, you can ask anyone on our floor.” Ryan frowned. He still didn’t think he was that bad. “No it’s probably not serious; I’m sure it’s something we picked up from that last location. I’ll be fine by Monday, I’m sure. Thanks.”</p><p>Shane tossed the phone on the bed and looked at Ryan. “I’m sure you could use a little clean up, huh?” He shuffled off the bed and to the bathroom, stopping half way to stretch. Ryan definitely didn’t watch. Surely not. Shane came back from the bathroom and stopped at the closet, pulling out a small gift bag. He turned and looked at Ryan, another strawberry halfway to his mouth, and laughed. “Isn’t it hard to eat laying down?”</p><p>“Not if you’re not a quitter,” Ryan said.</p><p>Shane sat on the edge of the bed and carefully cleaned Ryan’s legs. He set the gift bag on Ryan’s chest and wiped up strawberry juice from Ryan’s chin. He threw the washcloth towards the bathroom and curled up beside Ryan. “Sara and I got this for you,” he said, crinkling the bag. “Just a little something.”</p><p>Ryan shifted to sit up a little more and pulled out the tissue paper and tossed it at Shane. He reached in and grabbed out a Paddington Bear stuffed animal and let the bag fall to the wayside. Ryan laid back down and set the little bear on his chest and stared at him.</p><p>“I know it’s not much— and it’s not lunch or sneakers— but Sara and I won’t ever be able to repay you for what you’re doing for us. We though this would just be a cute token of appreciation to try and start.” Shane reached over and adjusted Paddington little rain hat. “I know how much you like snuggling so here’s something for when Sara and I aren’t around.”</p><p>“I love him,” Ryan said. <em>I love you.</em> “But you and Sara are irreplaceable.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please be sure to read the TW for the next chapter before you read!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>CHECK END NOTES FOR TW</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>PLEASE. SERIOUSLY. CHECK THE TW.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ryan had seven negative pregnancy tests angrily thrown under his bathroom sink. When he was feeling especially bad about himself, he’d pull them out, line them up on the bathroom floor, and just stare at them. He knew it was wishful thinking to take one each month but he’d heard stories of people still getting their period even when they were pregnant. It was probably neurotic of him to keep doing this, to keep signing up for the same disappointment every time but yet again, he sighed and pulled a new test out of the box. </p><p>They’d been trying for nine months. For nine months, Ryan had laid under Shane, under Sara, between them… occasionally on top… and he’d fought his heart to not fall deeper in love with them. And he’d done so fucking bad at it. </p><p>Ryan capped the test and set it up on the counter before pulling up his underwear. He set the timer, washed his hands, and curled up on the bed, his Paddington stuffie in his arms. He was tired. The constant barrage of negative tests was really getting to him. He was so careful to make sure Shane and Sara didn’t see but it was so hard sometimes. He didn’t tell them he was taking tests so he made sure he was the only one hurt if they were negative. They always were. </p><p>The timer went off and Ryan peeled himself off the bed and back to the bathroom. One line not pregnant, two lines pregnant. Ryan looked down and stared at the two lines staring back at him. </p><p>“Oh my god,” he whispered. He dropped onto the side of the tub and held the test in his hand. He hadn’t taken a test last month and he only took this one on a whim… He didn’t actually expect it to come up positive. He had to… he had to tell someone. He grabbed his phone and he opened his messages to the group chat and— He exited out. No, they deserved something better than a text. Ryan grabbed the test and his phone and went back into the bedroom. He had to think of something. </p><p>Halloween was coming up. Maybe he could do something with that? Ryan didn’t want to take inspiration from Pinterest, but… Ryan opened the app. They had cute ideas sometimes. Ryan scrolled through his feed and looked for something to catch his eye. Everything was very… pumpkin themed. Which was fine, he supposed, but not what he was looking for. </p><p>Wait. </p><p>What if he did something with Bigfoot? Or Mothman or something? Ryan snickered. If nothing else, he thought it’d be funny. </p><p>Ryan did some preliminary research, looking for baby onesies (and ordered one), and some basic pregnancy research. He did some math and figured he was six weeks along? Seven? He called his OB/GYN and got an appointment to confirm. Everything was falling perfectly into place. Now he just had to keep Shane and Sara in the dark for a week. </p><p>The week went by fairly quickly. Work kept him so busy that he didn’t have time to focus on spilling the beans. The onesie he ordered came in a few days after he ordered it, his doctor had confirmed his pregnancy with a blood sample and set him up with an appointment in two weeks for an ultrasound. </p><p>Ryan had pulled on a shirt that he’d found while shopping the other day. It had a rib cage printed on it, bright red valentine’s day heart, and a little ghost right above his belly button. He pulled a jacket on over it and zipped it up so no one could see. He could deal with a little overheating— just until lunch. He packed the gift box for Sara and Shane in his bag and went to work. </p><p>He spent the whole morning jittering, his leg bouncing under the table. Shane caught his gaze over the computers and waggled his eyebrows. Ryan flushed and looked down at the desk, scribbling circles furiously on his paper. </p><p>“You know,” Shane said, “work gets done faster when you’re actually— you know— working.” </p><p>Ryan stuck out his tongue at him. “I’m done for today. I’m just waiting until lunch time. You and Sara wanna meet in Ghoul HQ?” </p><p>Shane nodded but scrunched his brows. “Wait you didn’t pack lunch last night. Are we ordering out?” </p><p>Ryan’s leg stopped bouncing. He knew he’d forgotten something. “Nah, I just wanna meet up to talk and then we can head out somewhere.” His leg started bouncing again under the table. </p><p>Shane nodded and pulled his headphones back on. “Well I’m game. Just text Sara and let her know.” </p><p>That last hour passed excruciatingly slow until Sara came and tapped Shane on the shoulder. “Ready for lunch?” </p><p>Ryan hopped up from his seat and Shane laughed. “Thank god. I thought he was gonna knock the plant off my desk with all that bouncing he’s been doing over there.” </p><p>Ryan rolled his eyes and grabbed his bag. “Well Shane reminded me that I forgot to pack us lunches so we’re stuck going out to eat but I’ve got something for us in Ghoul HQ.” The group moved to the elevator and waited in comfortable silence as it moved upwards. Ryan stood to one side, Shane to the other, and Sara linking them by resting her hands on either of theirs. </p><p>“So what’s got you all jumpy today?” Sara asked. “It’s not ovulation time already is it?” </p><p>“To be fair, we could have been completely wrong this whole time about whether I was ovulating or not. That being said, no I don’t think so.” Ryan opened the door to Ghoul HQ and sat behind the desk just off to the side, covertly turning the cameras on as he stepped out of Shane and Sara’s way. He’d set everything up first thing and he’d asked Matty to make sure it was all still set up fine just ten minutes ago. There was no way this could go wrong. </p><p>Ryan pulled out the little present and set it on the table in front of Sara and Shane and dropped back into his seat. “You guys keep getting me stuff and I feel a little bad about it sometimes so here’s a little something for you guys.” </p><p>“So no lunch?” Sara teased, pulling the box her way. She loved presents. She pulled the top off the box and pulled out tissue wrapped packages. One had her name on it and one had Shane’s. Shane took his and looked at it. </p><p>“You know, Ry, this looks suspiciously like our merch shirts. You do know I already have those, right?” </p><p>Ryan rolled his eyes. “Hey you know, Shane, you can shut your face and just open the present.” </p><p>Shane grinned and pulled the tissue paper off the t shirt and stared at it. “You really folded the words on the inside?” </p><p>Ryan grinned. “Yeah because I knew you’d be a shit head and try peeking through the tissue paper.” </p><p>Sara laughed at Shane’s face. He couldn’t argue that and they all knew it. She tore the paper off her t shirt and looked at Ryan. “Ready and waiting.” </p><p>“Oh you can open them. Actually I’m kinda glad you waited because they sorta match.” </p><p>Sara and Shane both flipped open the t shirt and looked at the words on the front. Sara’s said ‘I’m not the father,’ and Shane’s said ‘I’m the father.’ They both looked at Ryan, looks of joy on their face. </p><p>“Little preemptive planning,” Ryan said. “There’s one more in there but both of you have to open it.” </p><p>Shane lunged at the box and pulled out a smaller present, setting the box on the floor. Sara carefully took the tape off the paper, watching Shane’s face as he got fidgety. </p><p>“Hey Shane,” Ryan said, “are you ovulating?” </p><p>Shane looked up at Ryan and scrunched his nose at him. “I am <i>not</i>,” he said, “Sara’s just taking her time to annoy me.” </p><p>“Yeah,” Ryan said dryly. “Must suck.” He grinned. “Alright Sara stop teasing the old man. He might have a heart attack.” </p><p>Sara opened up the tissue paper and Shane took the fabric in his hands. He flipped it open over the table and a pregnancy test fell out onto the map. He completely ignored the onesie and grabbed the test. “Ry, are you really pregnant?” </p><p>“That’s what they tell me,” he said softly. “They being the test and also my doctor.” He nodded at the onesie, discarded on the table. “Read the shirt.” It had Bigfoot on it. Ryan was pretty proud he’d found it. </p><p>“ ‘Future believer.’ Christ, Ry!” Shane laughed. He wiped tears from his eye and he leaned in to hug Sara. “Get over here Ryan.” </p><p>Ryan unzipped his jacket and left it on his seat, crawling in between Sara and Shane to crouch between them. Shane took one look at Ryan’s shirt and laughed, still trying to wipe away the tears. “Oh also, the camera’s recording so now I have you being a weepy sap on camera forever and ever. And I get to show my fun t shirt.” He stood up and straightened out the shirt, the little ghost on his stomach. “I’m not far along so I— we shouldn’t announce to anyone else yet but I’ve been holding onto this news for a week and I was going insane with it. And you have to show the camera your shirts too.” </p><p>Sara took her shirt and laid it across her chest. “I’m not the father,” she read. “But I am daddy.” She looked at Shane and Ryan and winked, sticking her tongue out. </p><p>Ryan’s cheeks flushed and Shane laughed. “I’m going to abstain from talking,” Ryan said.</p><p>“You know, I think I’d be pop. You know? That sounds fun. Maybe papa?” Shane held his shirt up to his own chest, pinning it in place with his chin. Ryan leaned over, resting his elbows on the table and looked between Sara and Shane with a smile. Shane leaned him back to hit on Shane’s knee, instead of squatting, and Shane draped the onesie over Ryan’s stomach. </p><p>Ryan held the onesie in place and grinned at the camera. “Baby Madej-Rubin-Bergara, coming in June 2019.” </p><p>“We’ll work on the name,” Sara teased. “My part in this all was more emotional support. Baby Madbingara.” </p><p>“Berbindej,” Shane said. </p><p>Ryan groaned at them theatrically. “Baby Madej-Rubin-Bergara wasn’t good enough for you people. I don’t even know why I bother.” He shook his head and stood up, sitting back in his chair. “So that’s that,” he said, clapping his hands. “Let’s head out to lunch now. I’m hungry.” </p><p>Shane looked at the test again and Ryan walked around the desk to turn off the cameras. He looked through the viewfinder at what was being recorded. Sara and Shane moved closer together, their heads nearly pressed together. They were looking at the test, the shirts. Shane’s fingers traced out the word ‘believer’ on the onesie, except he kept leaving off the r. </p><p>
  <i>Believe.</i>
</p>
<hr/><p>Ryan wasn’t at work two weeks later. He hadn’t called in, he wasn’t answering texts. Shane looked at their shared google calendar, now jokingly titled Madbingara/Berbindej Event Calendar. The sonogram was blocked out for an hour and a half tomorrow. Maybe Ry had somehow gotten his days mixed up? </p><p>Shane grabbed his phone and called Ryan, listening to it go straight to voicemail. “Ryan, when you get this, call me. I’m worried.” He set his phone up against his monitor so he could see if it lit up. He spent more time looking at his phone than actually doing his work and when Katie came to talk to him with one of the higher ups with him, he figured he was fucked. </p><p>“I got a call from Ryan while I was in a meeting,” Katie said. “And he said there was a family emergency. He said to let you know.” </p><p>Shane stared at his phone and clicked it on, swiping to look at his notifications. “Okay, thanks,” he said, avoiding Katie’s eyes. </p><p>“Do you know what it’s about?” </p><p>Shane bit his lip but shook his head. “I’m sure everything’s fine… right?” </p><p>The higher up behind Katie— Shane could never remember her name— looked at Shane sympathetically. “You don’t seem to be getting much work done. Why don’t you head home for the day?” </p><p>Shane packed up his things and shoved them in his bag. “Thank you,” he whispered. He snagged his phone from his desk and rushed out the door. He waited impatiently for an uber to pull up. He’d ordered it on the elevator down, leaving Sara with the car. God, he could have run to Ryan’s by now. The car pulled up and Shane jumped inside, his leg bouncing anxiously. The driver looked back at him in the mirror but didn’t say anything, just turned music on low and drove straight to Ryan’s. </p><p>Shane handed him a few tens as a tip when he jumped out. He’d been faster, taking back roads to avoid traffic and that’s all Shane cared about now. He ran up the stairs to Ryan’s apartment and knocked on the door. “Ryan please open up.” He waited for the door to open, to hear footsteps, anything. When he heard a quiet ‘door’s open,’ he rushed inside. </p><p>Ryan was laying on the couch, his face tear stained as he stared blankly at the tv. He was pants-less and laying on a towel. “Hey,” he whispered, his voice rough. “I told Katie to tell you not to rush over here.” </p><p>“Higher up told me to go home because I was so worthless today. Ryan, what’s going on?” Shane nudged Ryan over and sat beside him on the couch. Ryan choked back a sob and threw himself into Shane’s arms, burying his face in Shane’s neck. “Ryan, please talk to me. </p><p>“I lost the baby,” Ryan sobbed against his neck. “I’m so sorry.” </p><p>Shane’s heart plunged into his stomach. “Oh, Ryan,” he whispered. His hand came up to cradle the back of Ryan’s head. “I’m so sorry. Are you… sure?” </p><p>Ryan nodded, his face pressed against Shane’s neck. “I saw— I <i>saw</i> it. I’m so sorry. I don’t— I did everything right. I thought I did.” </p><p>Shane pulled Ryan onto his lap and Ryan tried squirming off. “Ryan pants will wash,” he said. “Don’t worry about that right now.” Ryan relaxed against his chest and Shane held him tight. “One in four.” </p><p>Ryan wiped his eyes and looked up at Shane. “What?” </p><p>“One in four women will have a miscarriage at some point in their life— that’s the statistic. I’m sure that includes trans people too but the odds are almost stacked, huh?” Shane stared at the pregnancy test Ryan had been holding on the couch. “25% of pregnancies are just… no more.” </p><p>“But I did everything right,” Ryan fought. “That’s bullshit.” </p><p>Shane nodded. “It is,” he whispered. </p><p>“Why aren’t you mad at me?” Ryan demanded. “Why aren’t you mad?!” </p><p>Shane shrugged. “I don’t— I think I’m in shock right now? I don’t really feel much of anything.” </p><p>Ryan crawled off Shane’s lap and sat back on the towel, his knees pulled up to his chest. “I had my blood draw a couple days ago and the doctor called this morning and said that my hormone levels hadn’t doubled like they were supposed to. They’d increased a little amount but it hadn’t <i>doubled</i> and he wanted me to get some blood drawn when I went in for my sonogram tomorrow.” Ryan looked at the test next to him and batted it off the table. “I’ve already called and cancelled them both. Told the doctor what happened. He said based on hormone levels it could have happened right after my last appointment.” Ryan fiddled with the edge of the towel. “There’s not as much blood as I would have thought. I woke up to stained sheets, put on period underwear and since, it’s been… practically nothing.” </p><p>Shane nodded and pulled his own legs up on the couch. “What do you need from me?” Shane asked. “How can I help you?” </p><p>“I need you to be mad!” Ryan yelled. “Yell at me or blame me or something!” </p><p>“Ryan,” Shane said. “It’s not your fault. You know what? Even if it was, I still don’t think I’d be mad at you.” Ryan huffed and crossed his arms, leaning his head on the back of the couch. “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do: I’m going to go cook you something for breakfast, okay? And me too. I didn’t eat either. We’ll eat together. Is there anything else you want me to do?” </p><p>Ryan curled in on himself. “Can you call Sara?” he whispered. “And get— Can I have Paddington? He’s on my bed.” </p><p>Shane kissed the top of Ryan’s head. “Yeah, anything.” Shane went back into the bedroom and grabbed Paddington off the bed. Ryan’s sheets were dark, the blankets thrown haphazardly at the bottom of the bed. Shane stripped the sheets back and was glad to see there was a mattress pad underneath. At least cleaning would be easier. </p><p>Shane held the bear and walked back out to the living room and found Ryan shivering on the couch. Ryan grabbed the bear and squeezed it to his chest. “Thank you,” he said. </p><p>Shane cupped Ryan’s face and went back to the bedroom to pull a spare blanket out of the closet. He wrapped it around Ryan and pressed his lips to Ryan’s forehead. It wasn’t quite a kiss but somehow more intimate. “Anything,” Shane affirmed. </p><p>Shane started drawing up a mental to-do list. Start the laundry, make breakfast. Fuck, no. Call Sara, start the laundry, breakfast. That was the list so far. Break it down now. Call Sara— find his phone. Where was his phone? Pocket. He pulled the phone out and opened it. That was another couple of steps. Open the phone app. Call Sara. Call Sara. </p><p>“Hey Shane, what’s up?” </p><p>“Can you come to Ryan’s?” Shane was near tears. “He asked for you and wanted me to call.” </p><p>Sara scrunched her brow. “Shane are you okay? Is everything alright?” </p><p>Shane shook his head and pushed his hair back roughly. “No. Not really. Can you leave early?” </p><p>“I’ll be right there,” Sara said. “I’m already writing an email. I’ll be there in fifteen. Love you.” </p><p>“Love you,” Shane said. His phone beeped and Sara was gone just like that. Next the bed. Just… just pull off all the bedding. Just carry it all down to the washer. Just— put it in the laundry basket, grab some quarters… walk it down. Switch the list. Breakfast, then laundry. </p><p>Shane shoved the laundry into the basket and walked down to the kitchen. He rooted through Ryan’s cupboards and his fridge. Eggs might be a safe bet, Shane thought as he washed his hands. Eggs and bacon? He grabbed pans out of the cupboard and set them on the stove, heating them up. </p><p>No sooner had the eggs started cooking than Ryan ran to the bathroom, his hand over his mouth. </p><p>Shane followed him down the hallway and knocked on the door. “Ry, you okay?” </p><p>Ryan rasped out, “yeah, fine,” and groaned. </p><p>Shane hovered around the door for a moment, staring at it, waiting for it to open. “Yeah, okay.” He stepped back, his hand pressed to the door. “So eggs is a no-go then?” </p><p>“I’ll eat them, just give me a minute.” </p><p>Shane headed back to the kitchen and took the eggs off the burner. They were done anyway. He’d just eat them himself. Shane opened up the kitchen window to air out some of the smell and began mixing up pancakes. He had a couple off the stove by the time Ryan came out of the bathroom. </p><p>Ryan walked up and looked over Shane’s shoulder at the half eaten plate of eggs. “I told you I’d eat them,” he said, motioning at the plate. </p><p>“They upset your stomach,” Shane said. “So I made pancakes instead. It wasn’t that hard. There’s bacon here too.”  </p><p>Ryan grabbed a pancake and sat at the table. He tore chunks off and ate them dry, staring off at nothing. </p><p>Shane sat down next to Ryan, setting the rest of the food on the table. “Sara’s on her way,” he said. He picked at the rest of the eggs and ate a strip of bacon. Ryan nodded and tore at his pancake again. “C’mon Ryan. Please talk to me.” </p><p>“I don’t— what do you want me to say, Shane?” </p><p>“Anything,” Shane pleaded. “Please.” </p><p>Ryan stared at Shane’s hands, watching how they shook. “I don’t have much to say,” he said. They sat in silence until Sara rushed in. </p><p>“Oh thank goodness,” she said. “I thought— What’s going on?” Ryan avoided her glance and Shane stared at his plate with red eyes. “Guys please, talk to me.” </p><p>Shane looked at Ryan expectantly and sighed when Ryan just curled his feet up on the chair. “Ryan lost the baby,” he whispered, finally meeting Sara’s eyes. </p><p>“Oh,” she whispered. “Oh Ryan. Come here.” Sara wrapped her arms around Ryan and pulled his head onto her chest. “What do you need? What can I do for you?” Ryan shrugged and wrapped his arms around Sara. “Are you sure it’s— a miscarriage, Ryan? Did you see your doctor?” </p><p>“I saw the… It’s in the bathroom,” he said. “I—” Ryan pressed his face to Sara’s chest and started sobbing again. </p><p>“It’s alright, Ryan. I’m so sorry.” </p><p>“Why aren’t you guys mad at me? I’m mad at me.” Ryan leaned back and angrily swiped at his eyes. </p><p>Sara cupped Ryan’s face and brushed a thumb under his eyes. “That’s more than enough people mad at you, don’t you think?” Ryan shook his head and Sara kissed his forehead. “I think so. Are you done eating?” Ryan nodded. “Let’s go lay on the couch then, huh? We’ll take a nap.” </p><p>Ryan left the other half of his pancake on the table and followed Sara to the living room. She sat on one end and pat her lap. Ryan crawled up and laid his head in her lap. They didn’t talk. They didn’t need to. Sara ran her fingers through Ryan’s hair and scratched his scalp until he fell asleep on her lap. Sara could hear Shane moving through the house, cleaning things. At one point he left the apartment; she could hear the door close behind him. He was gone for a while then. </p><p>Sara reached for her phone and typed out a message. <i>Hey where’d you go?</i> She waited for an answer. Ryan shifted in her lap and curled himself into a ball. There was a blanket on the floor; Sara reached for it, hooking it on her foot and pulling it up. She draped it over Ryan and eased his stuffie into his arms. He could use all the comfort he could get. </p><p>Ryan’s arms were wrapped around his midsection. Sara’s chest ached. For Ryan, for Shane. For herself. She’d wanted this too. She looked at her phone screen, waiting for it to light up with a text from Shane. He hadn’t said anything, he looked like he hadn’t cried. He was just bottling it up. </p><p>Eventually, Shane walked back in the front door, laundry basket in tow. “I washed his bedding,” he said as way of explanation. He disappeared into the bedroom and make the bed, laying down in the clean sheets. He stared at the ceiling and pulled the blanket over himself. He closed his eyes and tried not to think. But that was all he could do. </p><p>What if Ryan didn’t want to be their surrogate anymore? They wouldn’t force him to obviously. Shane had said that months ago— Ryan was it for them. But would this be the turning point? Shane wasn’t sure he wanted to try anymore. He didn’t want to ever make Ryan feel like this again. He couldn’t even— he’d gone from denial, skipped through anger and bargaining, and settled into depression. He just wanted to sleep. </p><p>Ryan seemed firmly planted in anger, not that Shane could blame him. He just didn’t… he couldn’t understand how anger would help— at least not his own anger. Ryan didn’t need that. He was valid in his own anger but he didn’t need it from Shane or Sara. </p><p>Shane was laying on his back, just staring, when Sara walked in. She climbed on the bed and sat down. “You know,” she said, “I didn’t think my first time in Ryan’s bed would be quite like this.” </p><p>“It’s pretty similar to my first time actually. Only then, I was laying awake with him asleep next to me and I was in the midst of a crush panic.” </p><p>Sara took Shane’s hand in hers and rubbed her thumb back and forth on his hand. “How are you feeling?” </p><p>“I’m fine,” Shane said, his voice thick. Sara looked at him and quirked her eyebrow. “I just feel kind of numb. I don’t feel much of anything. I’m kinda cold, uh— hence the blanket. I just— I—” Shane blinked, trying to fight back the tears. “I don’t know if I want to keep trying. I don’t want to be the reason Ryan ends up hating us, or even worse himself. I want a baby but it’s not worth hurting my best friend for.” </p><p>Ryan sniffled, standing in the doorway and Shane’s face turned to look at him. “I don’t hate you,” he whispered, walking in. He crawled under the blankets and curled into Shane’s side. Paddington was squished between them. “I could never hate you.” </p><p>Shane turned onto his side and wrapped his arms around Ryan. “I don’t want to try if it’s going to hurt you. I didn’t— I never even considered this when we were talking about it. You didn’t sign up for this, Ryan.” </p><p>Ryan pressed closer to Shane, moving Paddington out of the way. “One in four, right?” Shane took a sharp breath. “You didn’t know.” Sara crawled over the bed and laid behind Ryan. “You can get under the blanket, you know,” Ryan said to Sara. “Thanks for cleaning my blankets. I was just gonna toss the sheets honestly.” </p><p>Sara pressed her lips against Ryan’s shoulder. She began humming and Ryan relaxed into it. The song sounded familiar but he couldn’t place it. It was just nice. </p><p>Shane bit his lip as tears trailed from his eyes. He recognized the song— <i>You Are My Sunshine.</i>  It was just the chorus over and over again, a repeated declaration of love. His hands are shaking; he was sure they could both feel it. He closed his eyes and just felt. He felt Ryan’s chest rising and falling against him. He felt Sara’s chest press against his hands. He felt the ache in his own chest and the tense shake of his muscles. </p><p>“Shane?” Ryan looked up at Shane’s face. Sara leaned back to give them space and Ryan shuffled to look at Shane. “Shane, please look at me.” Shane opened his eyes and looked at Ryan. His eyes were rimmed red, his cheeks were flushed from trying to hold it in. Ryan swiped his thumbs across the tears, wiping them off Shane’s cheeks. Ryan’s nose crinkled, trying to hold back his own tears. “Hey.” </p><p>“Hey,” Shane whispered. His voice cracked. </p><p>Ryan sat up, making Shane’s arms release him. He was so— this was his fault. He didn’t deserve the reassurances, the holding and the hugging. “Do you guys still want me to…?” </p><p>Shane wiped his eyes and sat up beside Ryan. “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to, but yeah. Absolutely.” </p><p>Sara joined them sitting up and set her hand on Ryan’s arm. “Of course we do. Remember that everything is still completely up to you. If you ever want to say no, you have that right.” </p><p>Ryan nodded. “I do… but what if I can’t?” </p><p>“Then you can’t,” Sara said. “You’re not a baby incubator to us, Ryan. You’re our friend.” </p><p>Ryan nodded and crawled out from under the blankets. “I”m gonna— can I be alone in the living room for a bit? You guys can rest in here.” Sara and Shane nodded and Ryan walked out to the living room and grabbed a disc and his laptop. He popped the disc in the drive and pressed play. He wanted to wallow in his anger and self loathing for a while. </p><p>The video loaded and Ryan watched the baby announcement again. He stared at the Unsolved set like he had thousands of times before but this time he— Ryan sighed. He listened to their banter. He listened to the soft excited disbelief in Shane’s voice as he looked at the test. He paused the video and stared at how Shane’s eyes crinkled at the corners. </p><p>Shane had looked so unbelievably happy and that was… he was in Ryan’s bedroom crying right now. It was his fault. </p><p>Ryan rewound the video and started it at the beginning. Sara looked past Ryan, looked at how happy Shane was. Her eyes were sparkling. They all looked so happy. </p><p>He’d recorded a few clips on his phone over the last couple of weeks. He’d planned on making a little video of the whole nine months but now… Ryan sighed. Maybe now he’d have to record a conclusion video of sorts. Something to… to end the video with. </p><p>Ryan reached for his phone. He opened the camera and started recording. He sat in silence for a bit, trying to find the words to say. “You’d be ten weeks along this week,” he started. “I think you’re supposed to be the size of like… an olive. But you were a bit smaller than that.” Ryan looked back towards the bedroom. “Your mom and dad are… they’re upset, obviously— your dad especially, not that he’ll admit it. He really wanted kids, wanted you.” </p><p>“I feel like this is all my fault. I know that’s— These things happen sometimes, but I maybe I could have done something different. I’m gonna— I’m gonna think about it for a while, figure out where I went wrong, and then maybe if your mom and dad want to try again, I can avoid this next time.” Ryan stared off towards the tv, running through everything he’s been doing; what he could’ve done wrong. “Yeah.” He turned off the camera and set his phone in his lap. </p><p>Ryan closed his laptop and curled back up on the couch. He wished he’d brought Paddington out here with him. He didn’t want to bother Shane or Sara. He felt like he wasn’t allowed to see Shane upset like that, like he didn’t have the right to comfort him like he wanted to. He took the blanket and pulled it over himself. </p><p>The bedroom door opened at one point and someone went into the bathroom. The toilet flushed after a minute and Ryan could hear the door open. Footsteps walked toward Ryan on the couch and Shane leaned over the back. </p><p>“Ryan?” His voice was still thick with tears. “You awake?” </p><p>“Yeah,” Ryan said, and he turned over to look at Shane. </p><p>“Can you come back to bed with us?” Shane’s voice was small and his hands were still shaking. “It doesn’t feel right leaving you all alone. Plus it’s your bed and we kinda— We kinda monopolized your room.” </p><p>“You can monopolize my house any time, big guy,” Ryan said with a small smile. He crawled off the couch with the blanket wrapped tight around himself. Shane’s hand wrapped around his shoulder and pulled him close. </p><p>“I’m gonna take you up on that.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ryan finds out he's pregnant and a couple weeks later, has a miscarriage and deals with a lot of self loathing.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ryan withdrew from nearly everyone. He kept his head down at work, he didn’t go out on Fridays. He pasted on a smile to film their post mortem, a smile that fell from his face the moment the cameras turned off. People were starting to worry about him, whispering their concerns when they thought he couldn’t hear. Shane and Sara were much the same, though they managed to paste on fake smiles when people talked to them.</p><p>Ryan couldn’t be bothered.</p><p>People asked Shane is everything was alright, asked Sara if Shane and Ryan were fighting. They weren’t. In fact, Shane was one of the few people who could still make Ryan smile or laugh. He’d slide small drawings over the desk. Ryan collected them in his desk drawer and looked at them whenever he was feeling like he was going try cry.</p><p>Ryan still felt hormonal. It had been nearly three weeks since— and Ryan still felt like crying all the time. He hadn’t been able to enjoy Thanksgiving without the underlying anxiety and nausea, he hadn’t been able to film True Crime with the same fervor he’d always felt. Christmas was coming and Ryan really hadn’t felt like celebrating. He had Christmas coming up with his parents and he’d been invited to Shane’s place for Christmas. His parents were coming out to L.A. and Shane had invited him to be part of the family Christmas.</p><p>He wasn’t sure if he’d go yet. If he didn’t, Shane and Sara might be disappointed and he’d disappointed them enough already. Sara had invited him over for Hanukkah festivities as well. He wanted to go, he really did— he loved to see the way their faces glowed doing things they loved— but he also wanted to wallow in his sadness by himself.</p><p>Shane’s hand felt good on his shoulder. “Hey,” he said softly, “you wanna come over tonight?”</p><p>Ryan looked at the calendar on his computer and shrugged. “Sure. But I uh— I haven’t been fidgety. I know that for sure.”</p><p>Shane’s hand move to press on the back of his neck, his thumb tracing small lines on Ryan’s neck. “I know. Sara and I talked about it. We’ll order dinner, watch a movie. You’ll screw up your body snuggling Obi and we’ll all just… talk.”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “Yeah alright. I’ll pay, okay?”</p><p>“Ry…”</p><p>“Please?” Ryan looked up at Shane, his normally bright eyes now dull and sad.</p><p>Shane relented. “Sure, Sara and I were just gonna get pizza anyway.” He rubbed his thumb against Ryan’s neck and let his hand drop away. “I’ll order it right before we leave and we can loop around and pick it up on our way home.”</p><p>“Okay,” Ryan said, “yeah I’ll catch you before work. I’m… I’m gonna go up to Ghoul HQ.”</p><p>Shane ruffled Ryan’s hair and sat back in his chair. He watched Ryan walk off to the elevator and waited until Ryan left his sight to turn back to his computer.</p><p>“Shane,” Curly said, sitting in Ryan’s seat, “is Ryan okay?”</p><p>Shane looked over the computer at Curly and nodded. “Yeah, he’s— he’ll be alright. He’s just stressed.”</p><p>“Okay,” he said. “Now the real reason I’m here— are you okay? I know everyone’s been asking you and Sara about Ryan but no one’s asked you about how you’re feeling. You doing okay, honey?”</p><p>Shane bit his lip and looked away for a moment. “Yeah, I’m alright.”</p><p>“Okay, let’s go somewhere and you can talk to Curly.” Curly stood up and grabbed Shane’s arm. “C’mon we’re heading to an empty room somewhere and you’re going to talk to me. You’re going to tell me all your woes.”</p><p>“It’d be an invasion of other people’s privacy,” Shane said.</p><p>Curly tugged him towards an empty conference room and checked the schedule on the wall. “No one’s coming in here for any time soon so we’ve got plenty of time.” He locked the door. “Come on, talk to me. You, Ryan, and Sara finally hooked up and now it’s all gone awkwardly wrong?”</p><p>Shane slumped into a chair and set his face down on the table in front of him. “Not quite.”</p><p>Curly sat in the seat across from Shane and stared expectantly at him. He was aggressively patient and it made Shane feel a little guilty. Curly was his friend; he just wanted to help.</p><p>Shane sighed. “I want to have a child—”</p><p>“How exciting!” Curly cheered. “Imagine a little baby Sasquatch. I can see how that would be super stressful.”</p><p>Shane stared at the floor, waiting for it to swallow him whole. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes and he buried his face in his hands. “Ryan… lost the baby,” he whispered. He raked his hands through his hair anxiously and looked wild eyed up at Curly. “That day that Sara and I went home early and Ryan never showed up?”</p><p>“Oh, Shane,” Curly sighed. “Wait, Ryan? So—”</p><p>Shane sniffled and wiped at his eyes. “Oh it’s all so complicated, Curly. It really is.” He rubbed his eyes until the tears stopped coming and just sat and stared at Curly from across the table. “Sara and I are in love with Ryan and he’s— he hasn’t picked up a single signal either of us have dropped. And he’s… he’s putting his life, his body, his mental state— he’s putting them all on the line for us. And he didn’t even have to think about it.”</p><p>“How did you guys even get to this decision? I figured Ryan would— well let’s be real here I think we all figured he’d find a partner and settle down before having kids. You know— the whole white picket fence, two and a half kids, dogs— all that.”</p><p>“Sara confronted me and Ryan just happened to be coming over right after she did. He asked why I was in such a funk and I told him. He just— he offered himself up without a second thought, Curly. Why would he do that?”</p><p>Curly sighed and looked pityingly at Shane. “I think you need to talk to him. Sit down and have a real talk.”</p><p>“He just says it’s because I helped him be comfortable with himself but Curly, he’s always been the most self assured person I’ve met— there’s no way I did anything about that. And now that he’s… miscarried—” Shane’s voice stuttered. “He’s says he’s still willing to help us. Why?”</p><p>Curly stood up and unlocked the door. “Just talk to him. I’m sure you’re all hurting more than the others know.”</p><p>Shane stood up and made a beeline for the door. “Curly you’re not— you won’t tell anyone right? We haven’t… we haven’t talked about telling anyone.”</p><p>Curly mimed locking his lips. “Sealed. Why don’t you go find Ryan?”</p><p>Shane walked back towards his desk. “Nah, he’s probably sleeping in HQ. He’s coming over tonight anyway.” Shane dropped into his seat. “I can’t stand seeing him like this.”</p><p>“Good luck. On both fronts,” Curly said before walking to his own desk. Shane could see him glancing over every so often to check in on Shane. Shane was working on editing— his heart wasn’t in it but at least it’d keep his mind occupied. Only four more hours until he could go home.</p>
<hr/>
<p>The pizzas were forgotten nearly as soon as they’d entered the door. Ryan ran off to the upstairs bathroom, still nauseated by something he’d smelled in the store. Shane followed him and walked in without asking.</p><p>“What if I was taking a shit?” Ryan asked, half bent over the toilet.</p><p>“I’d shrug it off, say my bad and walk out. Plus you don’t come upstairs to the master bathroom to actually use the bathroom,” Shane said. He sat on the edge of the tub and rubbed Ryan’s back. “You’d think the hormones would be out of your system by now.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Ryan said, sitting back on his heels, “you would, wouldn’t you? I’ve got a doctor’s appointment in a few weeks. I’ll ask him about it when I see him. I mean, if it’s still a problem.”</p><p>Shane nodded and opened the cupboard. He pulled out a toothbrush and tore it out of the package, handing it to Ryan. “We got you a spare for when you stay the night,” he said. “I’m glad it’s finally getting its use.”</p><p>Ryan took it and grabbed the toothpaste from the drawer. “Thanks,” he mumbled. “I’m sure that was super gross.”</p><p>“Eh,” Shane shrugged. “It’s better than seeing you puke after a night at the bars. I’m gonna go get some pizza. You still eating?”</p><p>Ryan stopped brushing and looked at Shane in the mirror. “Can you just stay for a minute? Never mind, that’s stupid. Yeah I’m still eating.”</p><p>Shane sat back down on the edge of the tub. “Pizza won’t cool down that fast. I’ll stay.”</p><p>Ryan’s cheeks flushed and curled in on himself. “Thanks.” Shane watched him in the mirror as he brushed his teeth, making faces every so often when they caught each others’ gaze. Ryan rinsed off his toothbrush and held it in his hand, waiting for Shane to tell him where to put it.</p><p>“In the cup with mine and Sara’s, Ry. That’s where the toothbrushes go.”</p><p>Ryan looked at the cup, the two toothbrushes pressed together. Yeah, alright. This was a different level of intimate, he thought. He looked over at Shane and smiled down at him, the smile still not reaching his eyes. He held his hand out and Shane grabbed it, pulling himself up to stand. Shane’s face was really close suddenly. He was getting closer. His hands were on Ryan’s waist and he was pressing Ryan back against the counter.</p><p>“I’m not ovulating,” Ryan said. It was a lame excuse but it was the only one he could think of.</p><p>“We tracked your cycle and it still took months to get you pregnant. Maybe we should be a little more spontaneous,” Shane said, his breath tickling Ryan’s lips. “Unless you want to wait.”</p><p>Ryan closed the gap between them and pulled Shane against him. This is what he’d wanted, what he’d <em>needed</em> since then. Not the sex but the closeness, the touching. Shane and Sara barely touched him anymore. Shane’s hand on his neck had been the first time they’d touched in almost two weeks— since that day. “Please,” he whispered.</p><p>Shane was gentle, his fingers carding through Ryan’s hair. “You’re so beautiful, Ryan.”</p><p>Ryan wrapped his arms around Shane’s neck and shoulders, pulling him closer, closer. It still wasn’t close enough.</p><p>“You wanna tell Sara we’re heading to the bedroom? Or do you want it to just be us? Your call, Ryan. It’s always your call.”</p><p>Ryan pulled away from Shane to look at his face. Shane’s eyes were so soft and there was a little bit of that spark that made him Shane. It was there, far in the distance, but it was there. “Sara can come if she wants,” Ryan said at last. “I’d never tell her no.” <em>It’s not like I’d have this opportunity without her anyway</em>, Ryan thought. <em>You’re hers.</em></p><p>Shane opened the bathroom door and adjusted himself in his pants as he walked down the stairs. “We can also go have pizza, if that’s— If you’d prefer that.”</p><p>“Pizza will reheat,” Ryan said. He looked bashful, his hand rubbing his opposite arm, his leg curling behind the other.</p><p>“Sara,” Shane called, “Ryan and I are heading to bed and he said you’re invited if you want.”</p><p>Sara peeked in from the kitchen and smiled at them. “I’ll be up in a few, okay?” She gestured at the couple slices of pizza on her plate. “I’m starved.”</p><p>Shane rushed Ryan back up the stairs and pushed him down onto the bed. “Tonight is all about you, okay? One hundred percent you.” He crawled up the length of Ryan’s body and kissed him, his body pressed against Ryan. “What do you want, Ryan?”</p><p>Ryan looked at Shane’s lips. “Kiss me.”</p><p>Shane’s lips were soft, gentle— just like Ryan knew they’d be. They almost always were. Even when they were tough, aggressive kisses, something about them were just… reverential. Ryan could kiss Shane for the rest of his life and never get sick of it. God, he hated that there was a time limit on this. Nine months from the time he got pregnant and it’d all be over. Maybe before then… For all Ryan knew, the kisses and sex would stop as soon as he got a positive test. They hadn’t last time but… things change.</p><p>Shane pulled back and looked down at Ryan. “You okay?” Ryan nodded and Shane furrowed his brows. “Ryan—”</p><p>“Please, Shane I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to feel. Just make me forget please.”</p><p>Shane pressed his forehead to Ryan’s and closed his eyes. “Please don’t forget. I want you to feel better but… please don’t forget.”</p><p>Ryan shuddered beneath Shane and Shane opened his eyes. “I just don’t want to hurt anymore.”</p><p>Shane pet Ryan’s hair and Ryan leaned into the touch. Shane’s hand cupped his face. It was… perfect. It was safe. “I know,” Shane whispered. “But forgetting isn’t the way to do it.”</p><p>Ryan wrapped his legs around Shane’s waist and looked pleadingly up at Shane. “Please just fuck me.”</p><p>“Not tonight,” Shane said, “okay? Tonight I’m going to show you how worth it you are— how handsome and beautiful and worthy you are. You mean so much to Sara and I, Ryan, and I wished you knew that. I want to— Sara and I planned to show you tonight if you decided to come over— Sara’s apparently eating her pizza first but I’m sure the affirmations will be here soon.”</p><p>Ryan blinked away the tears that were starting to well in his eyes. “Sara does love a good affirmation,” he said with a watery smile.</p><p>“She loves affirming you and I specifically,” Shane said. “And tonight, it’s all about you.”</p><p>“I may spontaneously combust,” Ryan said.</p><p>Shane leaned down and gave him a peck on the lips. “I’ll put you back together, I promise.”</p><p>“I know you will,” Ryan whispered. “You always do.”</p><p>Ryan curled a lock of hair behind Shane’s ear and Shane leaned into Ryan’s touch. He leaned down and kissed Ryan again. “You taste minty,” Shane teased.</p><p>“Better than the alternative,” Ryan said. “Did not taste as good coming back up.”</p><p>Shane laughed and Ryan smiled. That was a sound he’d missed. “You’re disgusting,” Shane chuckled, pressing his lips to Ryan’s again.</p><p>They just laid there kissing until Sara showed up. Their hands stayed above the shirt— well, mostly— and their clothes all stayed on. Not a single button came undone as they just held each other. They breathed in the other’s air. They laid with the entire length of their bodies touching. They were slowly healing each other.</p><p>Sara came in and began to undress Ryan, her arms reaching around Shane’s body. Shane kissed the new skin that appeared. He moved to kiss Ryan’s stomach, up the line of his abs. He kissed up Ryan’s ribs and jumped over the cloth of his binder. Sara pulled the shirt off over Ryan’s head and Shane brought his lips back up to Ryan’s.</p><p>“You’re so handsome like this,” Sara said to them. “I mean you’re hot when you’re naked but the two of you just holding each other— perfect.” She leaned back on the bed. “God I wish I could take a picture of you two.”</p><p>“I’m game,” Ryan whispered, looking at Shane. His eyes were wide, almost terrified but there was an underlying excitement.”</p><p>Shane grinned. “Sara, go grab your camera.” Sara grinned and went to grab her camera. Shane laid Ryan down and tugged at the bottom of his binder. “Should we take this off?” Ryan nodded and raised his arms. Shane was careful as he pulled it up past Ryan’s shoulders and off over his head. He shook out the creases from it and tossed it on the floor. “You really are a vision,” Shane said. “I hope you know how good you look.”</p><p>Ryan shrugged and gave Shane a tight, disbelieving grin.</p><p>“One of these days I’m gonna fuck you in front of a mirror so you can see how fucking good you look. Maybe Sara and I will install a mirror on the ceiling so you can look over my shoulder and see what you look like, see how my body looks on yours.” Shane sat up and straddled Ryan’s thighs. He grabbed his phone from his back pocket and opened the camera. He set it to record and handed it to Ryan. “Record your face for me for a little bit and I’m going to just… I’m going to just touch you and I want to see how beautiful you are.”</p><p>Ryan held the camera near his face, sticking his tongue out at himself. He looked up at Shane and flushed. Shane’s hands were tracing up the central line of Ryan’s body. Ryan couldn’t help the flush that burned his cheeks.</p><p>“Look at yourself, Ry.”</p><p>Ryan looked up at the screen and watched his face. He wasn’t sure he’d see whatever Shane thought he was seeing but alright. Shane’s hands flicked over his nipples and Ryan’s face contorted in pleasure. “Oh,” he whispered.</p><p>“Good boy,” Shane murmured. “Do you see how pretty you are?”</p><p>“I see what you might like about it,” Ryan said honestly.</p><p>“I’ll try harder until you see it too,” Shane said. His hands trailed down to Ryan’s waistband and his fingers dipped below the band. “You’re so fucking handsome Ry. Everyone knows it but only Sara and I get to see you like this. I can’t believe I’m so fucking lucky. God, look at you.” He thumbed at the button on Ryan’s jeans and flipped it open.</p><p>Ryan closed his eyes, his hips bucking up against Shane’s hand. “Please fuck me, Shane,” he begged. “Please.”</p><p>“Not yet baby,” Shane whispered, easing down the zipper.</p><p>Ryan’s body tensed as he heard each tooth of the zipper separate. “Please, Shane.” Ryan lifted his hips and let Shane ease his pants down. “C’mon Shane, underwear too.”</p><p>“Don’t get bossy,” Shane said. He tossed Ryan’s pants to the floor and ran his hands down Ryan’s bare thighs. “Look how fucking strong you are. You don’t even do leg day, your thighs are just this strong naturally.”</p><p>“Fucking hate leg day,” Ryan said and his face glowed when Shane laughed. Ryan was looking anywhere but his face in the camera. He didn’t need to see himself, knowing Shane thought he was good looking was enough.</p><p>“Look at the phone, Ryan,” Shane ordered and Ryan rolled his eyes but looked at the phone. His cheeks were still round, his eyes were whatever. They were just brown. His hair was messy and all over the place. He really didn’t see whatever it was Shane was taking about. But sure.</p><p>“Shane can I put it down? It’s starting to hurt my arm like this.”</p><p>Shane snorted and ran his fingertips back up Ryan’s ribs, making Ryan shiver. “Yeah I’m sure as much weight as you can lift that this tiny little phone is giving you problems. Okay.”</p><p>“Well it’s not a very comfortable position,” Ryan argued. It really wasn’t. It wasn’t bad enough to make him drop the phone but it wasn’t fun either.</p><p>Shane cupped Ryan’s breasts with is hands, thumbing over the nipples. Ryan gasped. “Fine,” Shane agreed at last. “You can stop recording.” Ryan shut the phone off and tossed it towards the night stand. “I just wish you could see how beautiful you are, Ryan. You really are.” Shane moved to cover Ryan’s body with his again and kissed him.</p><p>Ryan kissed Shane back like it was the last time he’d be able to. And who knew? Maybe it would be. It probably would be soon. Ryan held Shane close and played with his hair. It was so soft, so comforting to play with. Shane sighed against Ryan’s lips and Ryan tugged on it a bit.</p><p>Shane pulled back with a soft moan and opened his eyes to look at Ryan. “You’re a menace. You know that, right?” Shane eased Ryan’s fingers from his hair. “Tonight is about you and only you.”</p><p>“What if I want it to be about someone other than me? Or what if I want it to be about all of us?”</p><p>Shane sat up and held Ryan’s face in both hands. “It’s always about someone other than you Ryan. Let us take care of you, okay? For tonight at least.”</p><p>Sara finally came in the room, her camera strap wrapped around her wrist. Ryan was wide eyed, staring at Shane. “Okay,” he said finally. He wrapped his arms under Shane’s to trace across his back. “Only tonight?” Ryan didn’t want to be the center of attention. He wanted it to be about all of them.</p><p>Shane’s eyes flashed with… something. “If that’s what you want,” he whispered. He leaned down to kiss Ryan again and Ryan could faintly hear Sara’s camera shutters click. “You’re going to look so beautiful in those pictures.”</p><p>“And you’re going to look far too clothed,” Ryan teased with a soft smile. “If this is all about me, then you have to do what I want right?”</p><p>“To a point,” Shane said, narrowing his eyes.</p><p>“I want you stripped down too. Just like I am. I need to feel you against me.” Ryan looked up at Shane. His eyes were so beautiful, so deep brown. Gorgeous. “Please Shane?” He tugged at Shane’s shirt.</p><p>“Yeah, alright,” Shane said, pulling off his blazer.</p><p>“I can’t believe you were still wearing that,” Ryan said. “And I especially can’t believe you just threw it on the floor.”</p><p>Shane chuckled. “I’ll pick it up later.” He worked to unbutton his shirt and Ryan reached out and ran his hands over Shane’s chest as the skin was exposed. Shane left the last three buttons still buttoned up. Ryan held his right hand over Shane’s heart and pushed his hand under Shane’s shirt to cradle his back.</p><p>“You're beautiful too, you know,” Ryan whispered. He was feeling really emotional all of a sudden. He just wanted to tell Shane and Sara how much he loved them. He unbuttoned the last few buttons of Shane’s shirt and pushed it off his shoulders. Shane’s muscles were lean. He was really more beautiful than he gave himself credit for.</p><p>Sara leaned over Shane’s shoulder to take pictures of Ryan’s face. “You’re both gorgeous men and I can’t wait to be sandwiched between you two.” Ryan’s cheeks flushed and Sara’s camera clicked. “These are going to make gorgeous photos.”</p><p>Shane looked over his shoulder and kissed Sara. “Are you going to join us at all?”</p><p>Sara took a picture of Shane’s face. His eyes were soft, his lips red and swollen. “In a minute,” she said. “I want to take a few more pictures.”</p><p>Shane crawled off Ryan and stood up beside the bed. Sara stood, straddling Ryan’s legs, and took photographs of him. Ryan flushed under the attention. He didn’t know how to pose so he didn’t. He just did what felt natural— he watched Shane take his pants off.</p><p>Shane was hard in his boxers and he grinned sheepishly at Ryan and shrugged. Ryan reached down to palm his own cock and Sara took a sharp breath above him. She knelt down and set her camera on the mattress. She set her hands on Ryan’s ankles and kissed her way up the length of his legs. Shane was behind her taking his own photos. Ryan fisted his hands in the sheets, his hips arching as Sara’s mouth moved farther up his thighs.</p><p>Sara spread Ryan’s legs and laid between them. Her fingers slipped under the leg seam of Ryan’s briefs and up out of the waistband. She pushed up on the fabric. Ryan’s pussy was pressed against the tightened fabric, his cock creating a small tent in the briefs. Sara kissed his pussy lips through the underwear and Ryan sighed. She brushed her noses against his cock, teasing, and Ryan’s hips bucked up, chasing the pressure.</p><p>Ryan’s lips were red, caught between his teeth, and his cheeks were pink. He was an absolute vision. His tits, god his fucking tits— the nipples were hard and red. Shane took a few more photos and set the camera back down. He had to get his mouth back on Ryan.</p><p>Shane knelt beside Ryan and Ryan smiled up at him and god if that didn’t make his heart flutter. “Are you going to stop teasing me now?” Ryan asked, looking pointedly at the head of Shane’s cock, pressed out the leg hole of his briefs.</p><p>Shane adjusted himself, his cock escaping from the waistband this time and leaned over, his breath teasing Ryan’s nipples. “We’re not teasing,” Shane said. “We’re worshipping you like you deserve.”</p><p>A squeak escaped from Ryan’s mouth and Shane grinned. His lips wrapped around Ryan’s nipple and, rather than bit it like he normally would, he traced his tongue in circles around it. Ryan was so responsive all the time and it made Shane feel unstoppable.</p><p>“Shane,” Ryan breathed, followed by a quick cry as Sara mouthed his cock through the fabric of his underwear. The gray fabric was darkening quickly from the wet leaking from Ryan’s pussy and Sara relentlessly licking his cock. “Oh, Sara.”</p><p>“That’s it baby,” she encouraged, kissing the head of his cock. “Let us hear you.”</p><p>Ryan took a shuddering breath and his hips rolled up against Sara’s face. Shane switched sides to tongue Ryan’s other breast. It hurt so good. Ryan’s breasts had hurt so much and Shane was— it was a good hurt. Ryan was craving the ache, the pain. “Please,” he cried. “Please don’t be so gentle with me.”</p><p>“Why not?” Sara asked and Shane picked his head up to look at Ryan’s face.</p><p>“I don’t want it,” he whispered, suddenly embarrassed by their attention.</p><p>“Don’t want it?” Shane started, “or don’t think you deserve it?”</p><p>Ryan took a deep shuddering breath and half waited for them to return to their previous ministrations. They both sat up, carefully looking at him, waiting for an answer. “Don’t deserve,” he finally said. “But I need it, I need the pain. Please.”</p><p>Shane shushed him gently and cupped his face. “I’m not going to hurt you, Ry. Not today. Alright?” Shane’s voice was so quiet, so forgiving.</p><p>Tears welled up in Ryan’s eyes. Shane brushed them away as they slid down his cheeks. Ryan sniffled and looked away from Shane, away from Sara. He didn’t deserve them. He didn’t deserve this.</p><p>Shane kissed his cheek, his neck, his nose until Ryan finally gave in and giggled a bit. There were still a few tears but he smiled anyway.</p><p>“There we go,” Shane said lowly. “There’s my smiley boy.”</p><p>Arousal burned in Ryan’s gut, a low feeling that rolled and grew low in his stomach. Sara’s mouth pressed back against him, licking at his pussy through his underwear. “Sara please. Take the underwear off.”</p><p>Sara smiled kindly up at Ryan as she peeled the briefs off him. He could feel the stickiness on them against his thigh as she tolled them down. She kissed his ankle as she lifted his foot, tossing the underwear to the floor. “Is that better, handsome?”</p><p>Ryan flushed and bit the inside of his lip, but he nodded. Sara reached down to the hem of her own shirt and pulled it off over her head. Her breasts were cradled in a lacy bra and Ryan wanted nothing more than to suckle on her nipple. His cheeks blazed at the thought. She looked so hot in her bra and jeans. Ryan whimpered and tried to scoot his body down to press against hers.</p><p>Sara was back between his legs in an instant, charting out the curves of his thighs and hips. “You’re like a fucking statue, Ryan,” she said. She lifted Ryan’s hips up and set his ass on her thighs. “You’re gorgeous.” Her fingers nudged at Ryan’s pussy and he rolled his hips against her fingers.</p><p>“Please,” he whispered, sounding thoroughly debauched.</p><p>Sara slid two fingers in Ryan and slowly fucked him. Her thumb circled his cock as her fingers curled against his g spot. Ryan sighed beneath her and rolled his hips. Shane’s tongue was teasing his nipples again, sucking them and pressing them against the roof of his mouth.</p><p>“Shane!” Ryan gasped. His back arched and he pressed his tits further into Shane’s mouth. “Fuck.” He was groaning and his hips were pressing down onto Sara’s thighs. He was getting close. Sara’s fingers twisted inside him and Ryan whined. He was panting, fucking himself on Sara’s fingers. His pussy was dripping and he could hear it squelching around Sara’s fingers. “ ‘m close. I’m so close.”</p><p>Shane reached down and pushed Sara’s thumb away from Ryan’s clit. He squeezed it between his fingers and jerked him off, quick and dirty. His mouth never left Ryan’s chest.</p><p>Ryan’s breathing stuttered as he came. His cock pulsed in Shane’s hand and a trail of cum leaked out of him, wetting Sara’s jeans. Sara pulled her fingers from Ryan’s pussy and held them in front of Shane’s face. Shane lapped Ryan’s cum up immediately, closing his eyes as he licked Sara’s fingers clean. Ryan’s face burned with how hot it was.</p><p>“I wanna try something,” Sara said. She eased Ryan off her lap and turned his hips to the side. She straddled his leg and pulled the other one up to her shoulder. She thrust her hips against Ryan’s cunt, the rough bulge of the zipper through the jeans pressing against his aching cock. </p><p>Ryan wanted to cry with how good it felt. It was painful, the jean material scratching his cock but the more she fucked him, the more soaked her jeans got.</p><p>“Fuck Ryan. I love how wet you get. You’re leaking cum all over my lap. Look at you.”</p><p>Shane moved out of the way and Ryan looked down at Sara. A dark stain was spreading across the front of her jeans and Ryan whimpered. It did look good, he had to admit. What would it look like on her panties?</p><p>“Can you—” Ryan stopped and looked away, gathering courage. “Can you do that with your panties instead?”</p><p>Sara looked down at Ryan and grinned. “Absolutely,” she said, her voice was low and sultry. Did Ryan have that effect on her? It couldn’t be, right? There was no way. Sara unbuttoned her jeans and ground the hard denim down against Ryan’s cock again. She loved the way he writhed beneath her. She slowly played with the zipper, dragging it down to reveal white lace to match her bra.</p><p>“Wore these for you just in case you decided to come home with us after all,” Sara admitted. “Do you like them?”</p><p>Ryan didn’t trust his voice not to crack so he just nodded his head. He loved them, he really, really did.</p><p>“I picked them out just for you,” she said. “Got you a matching pair too— pink though. Imagine how good it’d look against your skin baby boy.”</p><p>Ryan watched as Sara peeled her jeans off and added them to the pile on the floor. She hovered over him and sat on his stomach. “Do you want to touch?”</p><p>Ryan’s hands danced over the lace on her hips. His fingers played with Sara’s nipples through thethin lace. “Wanna suck your tits,” he said. “Wanna taste you.”</p><p>Sara leaned over Ryan, shoving her tits into his face. “Taste all you want, Ry.”</p><p>Ryan shoved the cups of her bra down under her breasts and moaned as he drew her nipple into his mouth. Sara’s hand cradled the back of his head, holding him in place against her breast. He whimpered and thumbed at the nipple of her other breast. Shane moved between Ryan’s legs and dragged the head of his cock against Ryan’s wet pussy. He caught the edge of Ryan’s pussy and it tugged his cock away from his body, pushing his underwear down. He groaned as his cock slapped back against his stomach and Ryan jolted at the noise. He whimpered and tried to squirm his hips down toward Shane but Sara was holding him in place.</p><p>Shane thrust back down against Ryan, his underwear sliding against Ryan’s cock. It was soft and a little silky. It was nothing like the harsh burn of Sara’s jeans. It was just a tease, Shane’s long strokes were only teasing him. Ryan wanted to be fucked. He wanted to be sobbing from the pain and overstimulation. Shane was grinding against him, refusing to put his cock in Ryan.</p><p>Ryan was getting frustrated. He was whining around Sara’s breast, trying to roll his hips against Shane. Shane rocked back and climbed off the bed and Ryan’s eyes opened wide, his eyebrows furrowed. Shane caught Ryan’s gaze and winked as he slid off his underwear. He crawled back up between Ryan’s legs and ran his cock up and down Ryan’s labia, soaking his cock in Ryan’s cum.</p><p>Ryan whimpered again, his hands grasping at Sara’s ass. If he couldn’t control Shane, he could definitely try to control Sara. Ryan popped off her nipple, his lips swollen and red and slick with spit. His eyes were half closed, desperate and horny. He urged Sara forward; he wanted her sitting on his face. Sara wiggled forward and lowered herself over Ryan’s lips. Shane eased his cock in Ryan’s pussy, <em>finally</em> and Ryan moaned against Sara’s dripping cunt. He was getting closer to being used as he wanted. Ryan ate Sara’s pussy like he was a man starved and it didn’t take long for Sara to start panting above him. She ground her pussy against his tongue and Ryan tilted his chin so his nose was rubbing against her clit. Sara’s hips stuttered and her thighs squeezed his head. It hurt; her legs were squeezing him so tight and Ryan was whimpering. There was the pain he needed.</p><p>Shane began thrusting slowly into Ryan as Ryan cleaned Sara up with his tongue. Sara writhed above him and finally pushed his head down into the mattress, climbing off his face. She huffed out a laugh. “I think he’s better with his tongue than you are, Shane.”</p><p>“I’ll hand over my trophy,” he said, finally able to watch Ryan’s face again. His face was wet with Sara’s cum and flushed a gorgeous pink. He looked tired though. Maybe they’d be done once Shane came. “Ryan, you are the pussy eating master. I hand over my trophy and my crown.”</p><p>“I’ve always wanted a crown,” Ryan said mindlessly. He wrapped his legs around Shane’s hips and tried to pull him closer. “But right now I want you to fuck me. Please?”</p><p>Shane moved over Ryan and licked his cheek and nipped at Ryan’s ear. He nosed down his neck and Ryan started giggling beneath him, squirming to get away. Shane looked at Ryan, thinking. Ryan wanted pain. Could— how could Shane help with that without actually hurting him? Today was supposed to be about worshipping Ryan. Hurting him didn’t seem like it would— it didn’t seem like it was treating him like he deserved.</p><p>Shane sat up, shoving his cock deep into Ryan’s pussy. He turned to Sara and motioned her close,whispering in her ear. She grinned and climbed off the bed, her legs wobbling a bit. He looked down at Ryan. “Ry?” Ryan looked him in the eyes. “Do you really want to hurt?”</p><p>“Please,” Ryan groaned out, his voice desperate. “Please. Yes I want it. I <em>need</em> it.”</p><p>Shane nodded and leaned down to kiss Ryan. “Okay,” he whispered. He kissed down the length of Ryan’s throat and nipped at the skin before biting hard into Ryan’s shoulder.</p><p>Ryan squirmed underneath him, letting out a high breathy moan. It was the closest Ryan had come to sounding feminine in years. His pussy clenched around Shane’s cock and Shane groaned. Ryan sighed and panted, tears trailing from his eyes. “Thank you,” he whispered.</p><p>Shane tightened his bite slightly before releasing. He looked up at Ryan’s face and he finally looked like he was feeling more peaceful. “Is that what you need?”</p><p>Ryan nodded weakly and he looked up to Shane, trying to show him how much he loved him.</p><p>Shane nodded. “Okay,” he whispered. He sat up and shuffled back, his cock slipping out of Ryan’s pussy and Ryan grumbled, trying to tighten his legs around Shane. “Don’t be impatient. I’ll get to you when I get to you. You’ve already cum once; you’re being greedy.” Ryan flushed and Shane leaned down and scraped his cheek against Ryan’s nipple. He hadn’t shaved for a couple days and he was sure the stubble burned on Ryan’s skin.</p><p>“Yes, oh god yes,” Ryan sighed and he pressed his chest up against Shane’s face.</p><p>Shane moved over to Ryan’s other breast and did the same thing. Ryan’s skin was turning bright angry red and he was writhing beneath Shane. Sara came back in from the closet, a set of nipple clamps in her hand.</p><p>“Want these?” Sara asked, twirling the chain on her finger. Ryan nodded and Sara clamped them on, relishing how Ryan went lax beneath her. “Oh you look good like this.” She tugged on the chain and Ryan moaned, his eyes rolling closed.</p><p>Shane sat back up and slid his cock back into Ryan. Ryan was so much louder than he’d been at first. Shane loved hearing him. He pounded into Ryan and Sara held onto the nipple clamps’ chain. Shane knew he wasn’t going to last long. He had been on edge this entire time and finally being inside Ryan was like heaven.</p><p>“I’m gonna cum,” Shane groaned out. “Fuck Ryan I’m gonna cum.”</p><p>“Yeah, do it,” Ryan said, “Fill me up.”</p><p>Shane’s hips stuttered and he grabbed Ryan’s thighs, his fingertips digging into his skin. Ryan figured he’d almost surely bruise by tomorrow morning. God, that fucking hurt. Ryan whimpered as Shane stilled inside him. Shane’s nails were biting into the skin now and Ryan moaned.</p><p>Shane pulled out and Ryan could feel the cum leak out of him. He reached for a pillow but Shane pushed it away, kneeling down between Ryan’s legs. “I’m gonna clean you up myself,” Shane murmured. His tongue started at Ryan’s asshole, cleaning the cum that had leaked from his pussy. Ryan’s head relaxed back into the pillow and he sighed in relief.</p><p>Sara moved up beside Ryan and traced the lines of his muscles. Her hands ran over his arms, his chest, his stomach. “You’re so soft,” she whispered.</p><p>Ryan opened his mouth to reply but gasped as Shane plunged his tongue deep in Ryan’s pussy. His fingers reached in alongside his tongue and scooped cum past his lips. Ryan was writhing on the bed. He was becoming way too overstimulated and not the fun kind. Shane’s mouth wrapped around his cock and sucked and Ryan groaned. He didn’t want to ask Shane to stop but he couldn’t handle much more of this.</p><p>Shane scooped his cum out of Ryan and wiped it all over Ryan’s cock. Ryan whimpered out a sob and pushed his ass back into the mattress, trying to escape Shane’s mouth. He could tell Shane was determined to make him cum again but he couldn’t do it. He was going to scream. Shane’s tongue was too much on his cock, his scruff burned his thighs bright red. Ryan bit his bottom lip and willed himself not to stop him. What if this was the last he’d get?</p><p>Sara looked down at Ryan and ran her thumbs over Ryan’s furrowed brow. “You okay baby?”</p><p>Ryan nodded and opened his eyes, looking up at Sara. He loved her. He really did.</p><p>Sara pursed her lips looking at Ryan but let it go, looking back down to watch Shane between Ryan’s legs. Ryan’s legs were quivering and shaking. Shane was fucking Ryan with his fingers, his lips sucking Ryan’s cock harder. He was doubling down to get Ryan to cum and Ryan couldn’t take it anymore.</p><p>“No more,” he whispered. “Please.”</p><p>Shane’s most drew off him and he looked up at Ryan’s face. He hadn’t heard Ryan, his fingers still pumping in Ryan’s pussy. “Ryan?”</p><p>“No, no, no. Stop please. I can’t take it anymore.”</p><p>Shane eased back and set his hands on Ryan’s thigh. “Ry? You okay?”</p><p>Ryan curled up on his side, burying his face in Sara’s stomach sobbing.</p><p>Shane sat back, his hands hovering as he wanted to reach for Ryan but he didn’t think he was allowed to. Sara wrapped her arms around Ryan and looked frantically at Shane. “Ryan honey, are you okay?”</p><p>Ryan shuddered in her arms, sitting up and jolting as his legs hit his cock. “I’m okay,” he whispered. He shook with his sobs and wiped at his eyes. “I’m okay. I don’t even know why I’m crying.” Ryan crawled into Shane’s lap and buried his head in his neck.</p><p>Shane’s hands shook as he wrapped his arms around Ryan. His hands were on Ryan’s back, rubbing slow circles. He pressed gentle kisses to Ryan’s neck just below his ear. “Are you okay? Are you sure?”</p><p>Ryan nodded against Shane’s shoulder and snuggled in. Sara pressed a kiss to Ryan’s shoulder, one to Shane’s cheek, and crawled off the bed. Ryan could hear Sara moving around the bathroom, turning on the water and knocking around in the cupboards.</p><p>“Can we cover up?” Ryan asked, “I’m a little cold.” He shifted himself in Shane’s lap and wrapped his legs around Shane.</p><p>Shane took a deep breath and snagged the blanket off the bed, wrapping it around them. Ryan’s body was wrapped around him like a little koala and Shane couldn’t help but feel relaxed. “Better?”</p><p>Ryan hummed and relaxed against Shane’s chest. He sniffled and rubbed his tear-stained cheek against Shane’s shoulder. He was already half asleep and he sighed against Shane’s warm skin. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I’d much rather you stop me if you don’t want it, Ryan. I— Sometimes I felt like you were just saying yes because you thought you had to.”</p><p>“I’d never say no to you, Shane.”</p><p>Shane pet Ryan’s hair. “I know,” he said, “that’s what worries me.” Shane pushed the blanket back off Ryan’s shoulder. “Let’s get you in the tub, huh? I think Sara’s waiting to take a bath with you.” Shane helped Ryan to his feet and escorted him to the bathroom where Sara was running her fingers through the water in the tub as it filled up.</p><p>Ryan reached out and unclipped Sara’s bra, easing the straps off her shoulders. “It’s only fair, big guy. You and I have already had a bath together.”</p><p>Sara raised her eyebrow and Shane laughed. “I’m not sure that failure of a jacuzzi counts but alright.” He leaned down and kissed Sara and Ryan on their foreheads. “I’ll be in the shower, okay? Take your time.”</p><p>Ryan slumped beneath the water, stained pink from the bath bomb Sara had tossed in. “Don’t have to tell me twice, big guy.”</p><p>Shane cupped Ryan’s face and paused. He looked lost in thought.</p><p>“You okay Shane?” Sara asked and Ryan opened his eyes.</p><p>Shane pulled his hand away from Ryan’s face. “Yeah just— Ryan you… do you know what caused the— the sudden stop? Was it too much?” <em>Was I too much?</em>— the real question he wanted to ask but that went unsaid. “What can I do different next time?”</p><p>Ryan reached out and sleepily took Shane’s hand and squeezed it. “Just got sad and overstimulated, dude. I’m good now, promise.”</p><p>Shane snorted. “Okay, <em>dude</em>,” he shot back and Ryan smiled tiredly at him. “See you in a bit?”</p><p>Ryan nodded, shifting as Sara climbed in the tub with him. “Absolutely.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ryan hated doctors. He hated sitting in the waiting room, he hated the vulnerability of sitting in the room in nothing but a thin gown and he hated doctors talking about his body in any way. The few women that were in the waiting room with him looked at him out of the corner of their eyes. One woman cooed at her baby in its carseat. Ryan’s heart clenched. He wouldn’t get to have that, but he was glad Shane and Sara would. They deserved all the happiness in the world. That’s why Ryan was here, dealing with his… he didn’t want to say women’s health but that’s how he was feeling right now.</p><p>“Ryan?” A nurse came out and called his name. She seemed friendly enough, especially for someone working on Christmas Eve. “Come on back.”</p><p>Ryan stood up and grabbed his coat, following the nurse back behind the door. “Sorry you’ve got to work on Christmas Eve,” he said. “I’m sure it sucks.”</p><p>The nurse— Katharine, according to her name tag— led Ryan to the scales and motioned for him to step up. “It’s not the worst,” Katharine said. “Today’s been seeing a lot of babies and doing postpartum checkups before the holidays.”</p><p>Ryan nodded. He tossed his coat on a chair and stepped up, staring ahead at the white wall.</p><p>Katharine moved the weight balances and hummed. “Alright,” she said. “Grab your stuff and come to room three.” Ryan picked up his coat and followed Katharine to room three. He tossed his coat on the chair and hopped up on the bed. “Is there anything you need to talk to the doctor about?” She was scribbling down on a notepad.</p><p>“I’m still having morning sickness sometimes.” Ryan said. “And my chest still aches off and on. And I haven’t had my period yet and it’s been six weeks since I…” Ryan balled the hem of his shirt in his fists. “Since I miscarried.” He looked around at the posters on the wall. There were diagrams of the female reproductive system and mommy and baby posters. Not very trans friendly posters, Ryan thought, but the doctor and nurses all had treated him well.</p><p>Katharine nodded and jotted down what Ryan said. “Alright,” she said, putting a pressure cuff around Ryan’s bicep. “Just have to take a blood pressure and a temperature and the doctor will be in to talk to you.”</p><p>Ryan waited while the blood pressure cuff squeezed his arm and Katharine listened through her stethoscope. He’d always wondered how they could count the seconds and count the BP at the same time.</p><p>“Sounds good,” she said and held a thermometer to his temple. “99.1,” she read, writing both numbers on her pad. “Alright the doctor will be in in a minute.”</p><p>“Do I have to get changed?” Ryan asked as she opened the door.</p><p>“Not right now. The doctor will come talk to you and he’ll let you know after that. See you on the way out,” she said. “Have a merry Christmas.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Ryan said. “You too.” The door closed and Ryan continued reading the posters on the wall. He did find an infographic about transgender parents which he thought was cool. He’d never seen one before.</p><p>A small knock rapped on the door and Ryan looked up just in time to see the doctor peek his head in. He held out his hand and Ryan shook it, returning his smile with a lot less vigor. “Hi Ryan, how are we doing today?”</p><p>“I’m tired, but not too bad,” Ryan responded. “Today hasn’t been the worst.”</p><p>The doctor— Dr Campbell— nodded. “Are you not sleeping well?”</p><p>Ryan shrugged. “Well enough, I suppose. I’m just… emotionally exhausted.”</p><p>Dr Campbell nodded again. “I’m sure. So you’re here for a follow up checkup? You miscarried… five weeks ago?”</p><p>“Six,” Ryan corrected. “I tested positive right before Halloween and around the second week of November, I lost the baby.”</p><p>“Okay,” the doctor said, reading over Ryan’s chart. “You’ve lost a decent bit of weight since we last met. About… fifteen pounds in two months.”</p><p>Ryan scrunched his brow. “I would’ve thought I’d… gained weight. I haven’t been going to the gym much. I’ve gotten softer.”</p><p>“Could be a side effect of not going to the gym, but it could be from morning sickness. The nurse said you’ve still been feeling sick?” Ryan nodded and the doctor furrowed his brow. “And you’re positive you miscarried.”</p><p>Ryan took his phone from his pocket. “I’ve got a picture if you need it.”</p><p>The doctor reached over and pulled out the foot rest on the exam table. He stepped over to the hand sanitizer pump and squirted some on his hands. “Can you just lay back for me and lift your shirt?”</p><p>Ryan did as he was asked and looked anywhere but at the doctor as he pressed his hands against Ryan’s lower belly. Dr Campbell’s hands were cold. His fingers were prodding, starting above Ryan’s pelvis and moved a little bit higher. “Mr Bergara, I’m almost positive that you’re pregnant.”</p><p>Ryan’s heart stopped in his chest as he stared at Dr Campbell. “What?” he gasped out. Ryan sat up, grasping the doctor’s hand to pull himself up.</p><p>“I’m nearly sure of it. I’d like to do an ultrasound and make absolute sure. You’re far enough along that I should be able to do it with our in house ultrasound machine rather than the trans-vaginal ultrasound.” The doctor pumped another dollop of hand sanitizer on his hands and rubbed them in. “If you could grab your things and follow me to room five, we’ll get that set up.”</p><p>Ryan clutched his stomach “Can I—” Ryan was breathing heavy and trying not to cry. “Can I call my friends? They’re the ones that’ll be adopting her. They need to be here.”</p><p>“Of course,” the doctor said. “I’ll go get room five set up and you can come in when you’re ready. We’ll wait for the intended parents to arrive.”</p><p>Ryan held the phone in his shaking hands and dialed Shane’s number. Shane answered after a few rings. “Hello?” Ryan could hear the smile on his face.</p><p>“Hey, what are you and Sara doing?”</p><p>“We were just getting ready to set up the movie for when you come over. Why what’s up? You’re still coming over, right? We’ve got Elf; I know that’s one of your favorites.”</p><p>Ryan choked back the tears welling in his eyes. He didn’t want to worry Shane. “Yeah I’m still coming over.” He took a deep breath, trying to ground himself. His right hand hadn’t left his stomach at all. This can’t be real. “Can you and Sara come to the doctor’s? There’s some things the doctor wants all of us to talk about.”</p><p>Ryan could almost hear Shane frowning on the other end of the line. He’d pulled the phone away from his mouth and called over to Sara. “Sara, we need to go to Ryan’s doctor’s appointment… No I don’t know. Ryan just asked us there.” Shane pulled himself back to the phone. “Ry, we’ll be there as soon as possible. Maybe… seven minutes?”</p><p>Ryan nodded and swallowed. “Okay. At the front desk tell them my name and room five, okay? I’ll see you in a few.”</p><p>“Ryan—” Shane said but Ryan cut him off, clicking end call.</p><p>His hands curled around his middle. He wasn’t pregnant, he was just getting soft. He couldn’t be pregnant; he didn’t get the sort of things he wanted in life. Ryan sat in the chair his coat had been on and tucked his head between his knees. Ohh he felt nauseated. He’d hoped it was all just a big mistake. He knew it couldn’t be real but now… somehow it was. Ryan was crying but for the first time in months, it was relief. It was terror. It was… so many things all at once and Ryan thought he could get high off the feeling.</p><p>Someone knocked on the door and peeked in. “Mr Bergara, your friends are here,” Katharine said softly. “They’re already in room five waiting for you.”</p><p>Ryan nodded and stood up, balling his jacket under his arm.</p><p>“Let’s head to room five, huh?”she said. He wiped at his eyes and followed Katharine to room five. Katharine led him to the room and held the door open, letting him walk inside. Katharine stood in the corner and handed Ryan a gown, pulling the curtain closed between him and Shane and Sara. “Underwear can stay on for now, gown on, sheet across your lap, okay?” She stepped behind the curtain and pulled it flush to the wall between them before leaving the room.</p><p>Shane was sitting in a chair when Ryan opened the curtain again. His leg was bouncing anxiously and Sara was resting her hand on his shoulder. “Ry, I’m freaking out here. Are you okay?”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “Yeah. All good, big guy. Just needed you here for this. Is… that okay?”</p><p>“Anything,” Shane said quietly, a promise between them. “Have they said anything?”</p><p>“I think the nurse went out to get the doctor. He had a few patients in the waiting room to check over quickly so I think he’s going to get them out of the way before coming in here. My appointment is going to take longer.”</p><p>Shane furrowed his brow at that and Ryan scooted up on the exam bed, drawing his feet up on the footrest to get comfortable. Ryan stared at the ceiling waiting for the doctor to come back in. It was taking so long. Ryan was just about asleep when the doctor knocked on the door. He came in the exam room and turned to Shane and Sara.</p><p>“Hi, you two. I’m Doctor Campbell. Am I to understand that you’re the parents to be?” He held out his hand to Sara, then Shane, and shook their hands firmly. “It’s nice to meet you. Okay, Ryan. Have you told them why they’re here?”</p><p>“Emotional support,” Ryan said, giving the doctor a look. The doctor chuckled and reached into the closet door next to Ryan. Ryan lunged forward and closed the curtain, blocking him off from Shane and Sara. “I don’t— not yet.” Ryan pulled out his phone and typed out a quick message, holding the phone out to the doctor.</p><p>
  <em>Can I record this?</em>
</p><p>The doctor nodded and Ryan mouthed ‘thank you,’ turning on his camera. The doctor booted up the ultrasound machine and squirted lube on Ryan’s stomach. Not the first time feeling that, but still a weird feeling, he decided. Decidedly a lot unsexier in this context.</p><p>A fuzzy picture came up on the computer screen and Ryan stared at it, tears welling up in his eyes. There really was a baby in there. “Shane can you open the curtain and come here? Sara you too. Up here.”</p><p>The curtain opened by Ryan’s head and Shane walked in, staring at Ryan. He looked at the ultrasound wand pressed against Ryan’s stomach and his gaze immediately jerked to the tv screen on the wall. The black and white was fuzzy and a little hard to distinguish but Shane leaned into the bed to steady himself as Sara pushed past him.</p><p>“Oh my god,” she whispered. “Oh my god. Ryan!”</p><p>Shane stared at the screen, his mouth open as he stared at the screen. The wand adjusted and panned out and an entire baby appeared. Shane blindly reached for Ryan’s hand and held it in his. “How is this possible?”</p><p>The doctor adjusted the wand again and they all watched the baby’s hand move to its mouth. “Baby’s sucking on her fingers,” Dr Campbell mentioned They all stared. Ryan couldn’t even feel the motions but they had to be there. He could see them happening right here in real time. “It’s possible that the baby was a twin. You very well might have miscarried one twin but this baby was completely fine. It’s called vanishing twin syndrome. Without having your early scan, it’s not definitive but it’s quite likely that’s what happened. Mr Bergara, you mentioned you actually saw the embryo when you miscarried?” Ryan nodded. “Then I’m almost sure that was the case.” The recording dot stopped flickering and the screen lit up with red and blue lines. “The baby seems to be getting good blood flow.”</p><p>Ryan kept the camera panned at Shane and Sara’s face but every so often, turned to the tv to film what they were looking at. “Merry Christmas,” Ryan said and Shane whipped around to stare at him.</p><p>Shane wrapped his arms around Ryan’s neck, cupping the back of his head. “Best Christmas present I ever could have gotten.”</p><p>“It’s an apology for ruining your Thanksgiving,” Ryan teased.</p><p>Sara reached past Shane and took Ryan’s hand. “You don’t need to apologize,” she said, “but I’m pretty sure this is the best one I’ve gotten.”</p><p>Shane stood back up and Ryan scooted over, letting him sit on the edge of the bed. The doctor looked at him and adjusted the sonogram from where it had been jostled out of place. “There’s a cross section of the baby’s brain. It seems to all be developing normally.” The doctor kept taking measurements and Ryan just kept watching. He was transfixed on this little person he thought he’d lost. His heart ached for the twin but right now, all he could feel was unabashed excitement and delight.</p><p>“Here you can see the baby’s spine, the bones in the forearm.” The mouse cursor circled on the screen. “Hand.” The picture froze and the doctor took a quick measurement. “What is the baby going to call you guys?”</p><p>“I’ll be mommy,” Sara said. “Shane?”</p><p>“I think I want to be papa. Or pop. You know? Sounds old timey and all that jazz. And that way Ryan can be daddy and we’ll know who the baby’s talking about.”</p><p>The doctor typed across the picture of the baby. <em>Hi mom, dad, and pop!</em> and saved it before moving on to take more measurements.</p><p>There was a fluttering shape on the screen and the doctor pressed a button on the keyboard and a soft heartbeat filled the room. “There’s the baby’s heartbeat.”</p><p>Ryan was still dumbfounded at Shane’s admission. He was still going to be called dad? He vaguely heard the others murmuring over him but his brain wasn’t registering.</p><p>“That’s the heartbeat,” Sara whispered. “Oh wow. Ryan listen to that.”</p><p>Ryan snapped back into it and listened, his eyes filling with tears. Heartbeat meant okay, right?The baby was okay?</p><p>The doctor panned back out and moved the wand on Ryan’s stomach. “Do you want to know the sex?”</p><p>“Ry,” Shane said, shaking his arm. Ryan looked up at him, tears trailing down his cheeks. Shane thumbed them away. “Hey, none of that.” His voice was soft and gentle. “Do you want to know if it’s a boy or girl?”</p><p>Ryan nodded and wiped at his nose, grabbing the Kleenex the doctor offered him. The doctor moved the wand across Ryan’s stomach and pressed in hard from the other side. Ryan held back a wince and just stared at the screen. He could deal with the discomfort for this.</p><p>“So far, it looks like a little girl,” the doctor said, capturing the photo. He quickly typed <em>it’s a girl!</em> across the screen and saved that to the folder.</p><p>A girl. A little girl. Ryan squeezed Shane’s and and Shane looked down at him, absolutely beaming with joy.</p><p>The view on the screen turned from black and white to sepia as the doctor switched to a 3D ultrasound. “Oh wow,” Ryan breathed. He could actually see her now. That wasn’t just a moving black and white grainy outline. That was their baby with planes and valleys on her body and shadows.</p><p>“Hold on,” the doctor said and he typed something in and the picture became clearer, the movement less jerky and more fluid. “I won’t take any pictures like this; it’s really too early for them to come out looking decent but there she is.” He moved the wand over on Ryan’s stomach and zoomed in on the baby’s face.</p><p>“She’s got your massive noggin,” Ryan teased, “And look at that beak, huh?” He was smiling up at Shane, watching the grin spread across his face.</p><p>“Poor kid,” he laughed. “I can’t wait.”</p><p>Sara hummed. “And that poor kid with the massive noggin gets to come out your vagina, Ryan.” She looked past Shane to grin at Ryan. “Your poor vagina.”</p><p>Ryan nodded solemnly. “My poor vagina.” But the grin was immediately back on his face. “Quite frankly, I can wait. I’ll wait a total of twenty-four weeks and then it’s eviction time baby.” Ryan looked over at the doctor. “That number up there is correct, right? Fifteen weeks, six days?”</p><p>“That’s based on the numbers you gave us at your last appointment. That’s what your due date is based on.” Dr Campbell opened a menu on screen and looked at some of the numbers he’d entered along with the scans he’d saved. “Length wise, she’s measuring closer to sixteen and three or four days.”</p><p>Ryan laughed. “Well look at her dad. He’s a veritable Sasquatch.” Ryan looked up at Shane with so much fondness that it hurt. “She’s gonna be a basketball player. Dunking on dad.”</p><p>The doctor took a few more measurements and took care of the wand, handing Ryan a towel to wipe his stomach off with. “She’s growing great, especially for hiding in there so well. Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it. I’ll have the receptionist print off some information for your pregnancy— a list of medications you can take, dos and don’ts, things like that. My only concern is your weight loss. We need to get that back up so I’ll prescribe you an anti-nausea. Take it when you need it. I’ll also prescribe some pre-natal pills again. Take those just like you were before.”</p><p>Ryan nodded and wiped the lube off his stomach and held the towel in his hands. “But she’s okay?”</p><p>“She’s doing great. We’ll do another scan when you come in next month just to check again but other than that, she’s fine. From now until thirty-five weeks, I’ll see you once a month and then at thirty-six, I’ll start seeing you once a week. Do you have any questions for me?”</p><p>Ryan shook his head, biting his lip. His head was simultaneously fit to burst and empty all at once. “Not right now. Can I call you if I think of anything?”</p><p>The doctor nodded. “Absolutely. Call the front desk. They can answer most of your questions for you and if not, they can send you through to me.” The doctor handed Ryan a flash drive and tore off a print out of the sonogram photos. “I saved your sonogram footage for you on the flash drive. I’m sure you’ll need to see it a few more times before it really sinks in that she’s alright.” Ryan flushed and the doctor chuckled, patting the back of Ryan’s hand. “I’ll see you next month.”</p><p>Ryan watched him walk until he was nearly out the door and called out a small “thank you.” His voice was thick with tears. Dr Campbell turned and smiled at Ryan, closing the door behind him. The door clicked and Ryan tugged the gown down over his boxers. Shane was on him in an instant.</p><p>“You had me so fucking worried, you absolute pain in the ass,” he mumbled, climbing up to straddle Ryan’s lap. He leaned down and pressed his forehead to Ryan’s. “I’m going to scream.”</p><p>Sara batted at Shane and pushed him off Ryan, helping Ryan sit up. “Get off him you big lug. Save your screams for the parking lot.”</p><p>Ryan reached behind himself and untied the hospital gown, pulling it off. “Can I have my clothes back?”</p><p>Shane grabbed the pile of clothes and helped Ryan pull them on. He was gentle, settling the t shirt into place. “You’re so…” Shane shook his head and leaned his forehead back against Ryan’s.</p><p>“We can’t take over their room, you know.”</p><p>Sara, took Ryan’s pants from Shane’s hand and passed them to Ryan. “He’s right Shane. Plus, we have cookies to finish baking and <em>It’s a Wonderful Life</em> queued up on the tv. So let’s go home and celebrate Christmas.”</p><p>Shane waited for Ryan to pull his pants on and button them before pressing him against the door. His hand pushed up under Ryan’s shirt and cupped his belly. “You didn’t even notice your stomach was getting bigger?”</p><p>Ryan looked up at Shane. His face was still soft, looking reverently down at Ryan. “I— not really. But you didn’t either.”</p><p>“I haven’t seen you naked in a couple of weeks. Quite obviously an oversight on my part.”</p><p>Sara laughed and ran her hands over Shane’s back. “Alright big daddy, let’s get you two home.”</p><p>Shane moaned against Ryan’s neck and Ryan snickered. “After the hell you gave me for saying you weren’t my daddy on Unsolved, you’re going to—”</p><p>“Please don’t finish that sentence,” Shane grumbled. His voice vibrated through Ryan’s neck and Ryan giggled.</p><p>“—get all boned up over it?” he finished.</p><p>Shane pulled back and pulled Ryan away from the door so he could open it. “I’m not boned up about it and I’m certainly not boned up over being called daddy.”</p><p>“It was big daddy, technically,” Sara amended and Ryan burst out laughing. Sara looked over to Ryan and winked while Shane shot them each a dirty look.</p><p>Ryan took his coat from Sara’s arms and slung it over his own arm, leaning against the reception counter. She looked up at him with a smile. “One month out?” she asked.</p><p>“Yep. Any day is fine.” He’d just be taking time off from Buzzfeed anyway. Ryan looked at the things adorning the counter. There was a container of condoms, pamphlets, fliers. No stickers though which was a bit of a letdown. Getting stickers after an appointment had been the only good part about going to the doctor’s when he was younger.</p><p>The receptionist’s nails clicked against the keyboard as she typed in the information. She scribbled down the new appointment on an appointment card and handed it to Ryan on top of a stack of information she’d printed out. “See you then.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Ryan said, grabbing the papers. He pushed through the door and followed Shane to the car, moving to hop in the back but Sara beat him there.</p><p>“Go sit up front,” she said. “I think you deserve it.”</p><p>Ryan’s cheeks flushed as he climbed into the front seat. Shane reached over and set his hand on the console, palm up. “If you’re gonna sit there, you have to hold my hand,” Shane said. “That’s the rule.”</p><p>Ryan bit his lip but entangled their fingers. Shane was still beaming, his eyes bright. Sara was sitting behind Ryan, her arms reaching around the chair to rub Ryan’s shoulders. Ryan felt a little embarrassed from the attention. “I didn’t— I didn’t really do anything more. I don’t deserve the, uh… the attention.”</p><p>Shane squeezed his hand and glanced over at Ryan as he drove. His brow was furrowed in disbelief. “You’re kinda dumb, you know that?” Ryan scowled at him. “Ry, do you realize how happy you’ve made me? How happy you’ve made us? When you called me and asked me to come, I thought you’d be telling me there was something wrong. I thought you’d be giving us bad news like you couldn’t have children or you were sick or— This was the last thing we expected.”</p><p>Ryan looked down at the sonogram photos folded neatly in his lap. The one facing out towards him was the side profile photo with the hand. <em>Hi mom, dad, and pop!</em> “I didn’t want to tell you until we were sure. The doctor just said he was ‘pretty sure’ and I didn’t want to tell you that and then have it not be true.” He traced the border of the picture. “I’m not sure I even believe it myself,” he whispered.</p><p>“Believe it baby,” Sara said, leaning in to kiss Ryan’s neck. “You’re knocked up. The notebook works.”</p><p>Ryan laughed and Shane rolled his eyes. He’d still never gotten on board with the name of the notebook but teasing Shane about it brought the other two joy.</p><p>“I know we just found out but when do you want to— y’know. Tell everyone?” Shane asked.</p><p>Ryan stared at the stack of papers in his hand and fiddled with the flash drive. “How about family tomorrow?”</p><p>Shane turned and stared at Ryan, his eyes wide.</p><p>Ryan slapped at him. “Eyes on the road.” He held up the thumb drive. “How do you think your parents would react if we plugged this into the tv and played it under the guise of playing a movie?”</p><p>Sara grinned, rubbing her hands maniacally. “Oh, his family would <em>love</em> it. Mine would too, for that matter. How very maniacal of you, Ryan.”</p><p>“And I can show my family tonight at supper.” Ryan had managed to convince his mother to let him spend Christmas with Shane and Sara but he had to promise to have dinner with them on Christmas Eve. “And uh… she said you guys can come too if you want. So if you want to be pulled into a few dozen hugs and kisses from my family, that’s— that’s on the table.”</p><p>Shane nodded. “Will any of the kisses be from you?” he teased, turning to grin at Ryan.</p><p>“After my family is done with you? You’ll be too tired.” Ryan stared down at the little paper photo, flipping the rest out so he could see them all at once. “Is it too early to tell people?” he asked, furrowing his brow suddenly.</p><p>Sara, her arms still wrapped around Ryan’s seat, set her hand over his heart. “Most women start telling people when the first trimester is over. You’re a few weeks into your second already.” Her hand started rubbing soothing circles. “You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to yet. Shane was just asking.”</p><p>“No we can— we can tell our families. I’m just… worried. I’m not sure my family really understands the whole surrogacy thing entirely. I’m sure they’d want to meet her and they’ll want to spoil her and—”</p><p>“Ryan,” Shane cut him off, stopping his spiral. “We’re not keeping the baby away from your family. They can see her and give her things. You’re also going to be a part of her life. We decided that a long time ago, remember?” Shane’s thumb was rubbing Ryan’s hand soothingly.</p><p>Ryan stared at the photo. He was already so in love with her. This was such a bad idea but god, he’d do it again in a minute for Shane and Sara. “Doesn’t mean things don’t change,” he whispered, tears welling in his eyes.</p><p>“Oh Ryan,” Sara cooed. “Things change, yes. But not this. If your family wants to see her, they can see her. She’s still part you.”</p><p>Shane pulled into the driveway and turned off the car. He turned and looked at Ryan. “Do you want us to go to dinner tonight with you?” Ryan stared down at his lap. “Ryan, look at me.” Ryan looked up at him, his bottom lip between his teeth. “Simple yes or no. No hard feelings either way.” Ryan nodded and Shane nodded in response. “Okay. Sara— that good with you?”</p><p>“Of course,” she said, leaning forward to kiss Ryan’s cheek. She crawled out of the car and opened the door for Ryan. “C’mon baby daddy, let’s go.”</p><p>“Oh god,” Ryan laughed, stepping out of the car.</p><p>“Ooh,” Sara said, throwing her arms around Ryan and groping his baby bump. “You’re a DILF now!”</p><p>Ryan set his free hand on top of Sara’s and Ryan walked as Sara waddled behind, still hanging onto him. “Oh my god, that’s even worse,” Ryan laughed.</p><p>“You’re a DILF now!” Shane shouted. “You’re a DILF.”</p><p>“That means you are too!” Ryan cried. “You got boned up over being called daddy!”</p><p>“Maybe we shouldn’t be yelling about this in the middle of the front lawn boys!” Sara laughed, pushing Ryan towards the front door. “We can all get naked as soon as we get inside and bone about it then, but right now is not the time.”</p><p>Ryan opened the door and tossed the papers on the table, taking off his shirt, and leaning against the wall in his sports bra. “I’m here for the taking.”</p><p>Sara laughed and set her hands low on Ryan’s belly. “You really didn’t notice?”</p><p>Ryan blushed. “Well I feel a little dumb for it now but no, I didn’t.”</p><p>Shane closed the door and tossed his keys in the key bowl. “You’re not going to notice since you see yourself every day. It’s been a bit since we’ve seen you shirtless.” Shane pushed his hand under Sara’s on Ryan’s belly. “It’s a welcome change.” Shane grinned down at Ryan and Ryan could feel his heart flutter.</p><p>“Can you feel her move yet?” Sara asked.</p><p>“I don’t think so?” Ryan said. “But I’m— I don’t think I know what that would feel like. I haven’t been thinking about it because I thought—” Ryan cut off suddenly and stared at the floor.</p><p>“Hey,” Sara soothed, “she’s okay. She’s okay.”</p><p>“I know,” Ryan whispered. “But what if she’s not…?” Ryan’s chest was heaving trying to fight off the tears.</p><p>Shane pulled Ryan into his arms and cradled Ryan’s head against his shoulder. “She <em>is</em> and she’s going to stay that way, okay? And we’re going to have a sweet little baby girl in five months. Come on repeat after me. The baby is okay—”</p><p>“The baby is okay,” Ryan parroted.</p><p>“—and she’s going to stay that way.”</p><p>“And she’s going to stay that way.”</p><p>“And mommy, daddy, and pop are all going to go lay on the couch and watch a Christmas movie and get angry every time the oven timer goes off because that interrupts the cuddle pile we’ll be having, okay?”</p><p>“Are you really going to go by pop? Seems like an old man kinda thing.”</p><p>“Yep that’s me,” Shane said. “Call me pop pop.” He took Ryan’s hands and walked backwards leading them to the living room. “I’ll go start the cookies and we can watch the movie, okay?”</p><p>Sara waved Shane off. “I’ll do the cookies. You guys start the movie without me.”</p><p>“You sure?” Shane asked.</p><p>Sara nodded. “Go start your movie. I’ll be in in a bit.” She kissed Ryan’s cheek and kissed her hand, reached up, and smacked Shane’s lips. “Go snuggle.”</p><p>Ryan dropped onto the couch. “Emotions are exhausting,” he said. “I’m so tired.”</p><p>“Is it the emotions or the baby growing?”</p><p>“Oh you wouldn’t know about emotions being tiring, would you?” Ryan looked up at Shane and grinned.</p><p>Shane sat on the couch next to Ryan and Ryan immediately laid his head in Shane’s lap. “Hey, I have emotions. I have them all the time,” he said.</p><p>“I know you do big guy.” Ryan pat Shane’s leg and kissed his knee.</p><p>Shane’s hand laid on Ryan’s hip as he started the movie and slowly his hand trailed down to his belly. The movie was quiet. The first half always made Ryan pine for love, for connection. Ryan didn’t feel quite as alone now, Shane holding him like he was. Ryan knew it was for the baby but… he was going to drink it up as much as he could.</p><p>“What is it you want, Mary?” Shane quoted along with the movie, looking down at Ryan. “What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey that’s a pretty good idea. I’ll give you the moon, alright?”</p><p>“I’ll take it,” Ryan replied. Shane had moved his other hand to the back of his head and was playing with his hair. Sara had been popping in and out as the cookies baked. The movie was playing low and the smell of cookies filled the house. Ryan felt so comfortable that he fell asleep.</p><p>He woke up to Sara pressing kisses to his face. “Wake up Ryan. You’ve got to get ready for dinner at your parents’.”</p><p>Ryan stretched out across Shane’s lap and blinked sleepily. “Hmm?”</p><p>“You have to get ready to go to your mom and dad’s for supper. You have to wake up.”</p><p>Ryan sat up and rubbed his eyes. “What time is it?”</p><p>“Nearly five,” Shane replied, stretching his legs out. “I”m gonna go take a shower. Do you need one?”</p><p>Ryan shook his head. “Took one for my appointment this morning. Can I steal a shirt though?”</p><p>“Anything,” Shane said, standing up. His shoulders cracked as he stretched his arms up and he sighed. “I’ll be in the shower if you need me.”</p><p>“We always need you darling,” Sara teased. “Don’t take too long, okay?”</p><p>Shane waved his hand dismissively at her and walked upstairs. Ryan stood up and stretched and Sara reached out and grabbed at his belly. Ryan doubled over with a groan. “I’m not gonna be able to stretch for the next five months, am I?”</p><p>“Not when your belly looks so cute,” Sara answered with a grin. “Let’s go find you something to wear, huh? Race you.” Sara took off up the stairs and Ryan laughed. She was already at the top of the stairs and Ryan hadn’t even stepped away from the couch.</p><p>Ryan walked up the stairs and into the bedroom. He rooted through Shane’s closet and pulled out one of his sweaters. Shane quickly showered and got dressed. Ryan was getting anxious. His head felt foggy and he didn’t feel like things were actually happening. He’d nearly made it to his parents’ house before he snapped back into reality.</p><p>“You okay now?” Shane asked. He and Ryan were both in the back seat while Sara drove.</p><p>Ryan looked around and blinked. They were already on his parents’ road. When did they get here? “I’m fine.”</p><p>Shane hummed and his hand was holding Ryan’s, his thumb stroking the side of Ryan’s thumb. “Are you sure you’re feeling up to telling your family? You kinda zoned out there for a while.”</p><p>“ ‘m fine,” Ryan mumbled. In all honesty he didn’t really remember the last like… twenty minutes but that wasn’t much time, right? It wasn’t that big a deal? “I’m okay. Really.” He looked down at his clothes. “Hey at least you got me out of the house looking halfway decent.”</p><p>“And we grabbed the sonogram stuff just in case you wanted that,” Sara chimed in from the front seat. “You alright? You were answering us and talking and everything, but you didn’t seem to be processing things.”</p><p>“Yeah I think I’m good now.” How did Sara know where to go? She’d never been to his mom’s house.</p><p>Sara pulled into the driveway and pulled off to the far side. “You ready to head in?”</p><p>Ryan nodded and crawled out of the car. His hand naturally cradled his stomach, especially now that he knew what was there.</p><p>“You’re going to give yourself away before you’re ready to, I think,” Shane said lowly in his ear as they walked to the house.</p><p>Ryan’s hands fell away from his stomach and he shoved them in his pocket. Sara handed Ryan her clutch and the flash drive and he took them both. “Sonogram photos are in the wallet,” she said. “And then the flash drive.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Ryan said, opening the front door. His mom immediately ran into his arms.</p><p>“Merry Christmas, baby,” she said, squeezing him tightly. “And you brought Shane!” She pulled Shane into her arms next, and then she stepped over to Sara and held her, looking at her. “And who is this gorgeous lady?”</p><p>“This is Shane’s girlfriend, Sara. Sara, this is my mom. She’ll ask you to call her mom so you don’t even need to know her name,” Ryan said with a smirk. “It’s Linda, though.”</p><p>“It’s nice to meet you Mrs Bergara,” Sara said with a smile. She was immediately swept into the festivities by Ryan’s aunts and Ryan lost her in the crowd.</p><p>“Well, we’ll never see her again,” Shane remarked and to Ryan’s mother he said, “It’s nice to see you again. Thanks for inviting me and Sara.”</p><p>Mrs Bergara reached up to pat Shane’s cheek and Shane leaned into it with a smile. “Any time for Ryan’s friends.” She put a little extra sauce on the word friend and Shane somehow knew she knew <em>something</em>. “You guys all look good. Very healthy. Ryan you’re getting thin though,” she said, cupping his face. “Have you lost weight?”</p><p>“Yeah, my doctor knows, mama. He wants me to gain weight back but he knows.”</p><p>“We’ll feed you well tonight,” she said. “Now go visit, both of you.” She shooed them off and went to the kitchen.</p><p>Ryan went around, introducing all the extended family to Shane and Sara, once he found her. There were plenty of smiles, open arms. By the time the food came out, Ryan was nearly too nauseated to eat. Shane was sitting between him and Sara and he spread his legs to bump against Ryan’s thigh reassuringly. Ryan looked over to Shane and gave him a weak smile, but ate a little more.</p><p>“Well that’s why you’re so skinny, Ryan,” one of his uncles pointed out. “You’re not eating.”</p><p>“Yeah just have this… stomach thing. I haven’t been feeling good. It’s fine though. I’m alright.” Ryan pushed the food around on his plate. Really, it was a miracle he hadn’t ran to the bathroom to throw up yet. His family looked scrutinizingly at him and Ryan couldn’t take it anymore. “Excuse me,” he said, standing up and hurrying off to the bathroom.</p><p>Ryan’s mother look concerned down the hallway towards the bathroom. Shane mimicked her, tracking Ryan’s movements. He was only gone for a minute or two but when he came back, he had the sonogram photos in his hand. Shane’s eyes grew wide as he looked at Ryan, the question written in his eyes— <em>are you sure?</em> Ryan nodded and sat back down at the table.</p><p>“You okay, Ryan?” his father asked him.</p><p>Ryan nodded and bit his lip. His foot was bouncing under the table and he was getting some weird looks from his cousins. “Yeah I’m alright.” He picked at his food, able to keep it down this time at least and pushed it away from him once he was done.</p><p>“You want seconds, Ryan?” Linda asked and furrowed her brow when Ryan shook his head.</p><p>“No thanks, mom. I’m full.”</p><p>The dining room grew quiet as everyone stopped and stared at him. From his side, Shane snickered and Ryan punched his leg under the table. “Boy, do they know you,” he whispered, earning himself another punch to the leg.</p><p>“It’s the stomach thing,” he said, glaring at Shane’s smirking face. He slid the sonogram photos over to his mother and watched her face go wide in shock. “There she is.”</p><p>“You’re pregnant?” She asked, her hand over her mouth. “She?” Ryan nodded, his hands balled up in his lap. He looked down at the table, waiting for everyone to react, begging them to. Linda pushed back from the table and ran around to hug Ryan. “I didn’t even know you were dating someone! Who’s the dad?”</p><p>Ryan pushed his chair back and held his mother. “Well… I’m not. I’m being a surrogate for Shane and Sara. Shane’s the dad.”</p><p>Mrs Bergara wiped tears from her eyes and pulled Shane and Sara into hugs as well, making them both laugh. “Oh she’s going to be so beautiful,” she sniffled, “and so tall! Oh congratulations you three.” She reached across the table and took the sonogram photos in her hand and stared at them. “I’m so excited for you.” She handed the sonogram photos to Ryan’s father and walked around to look over his shoulder. “Steve we have a grand baby!”</p><p>The dining room burst into commotion, congratulations and hugs all around. His aunts and a couple of his older cousins begged to look at the photos and Ryan relaxed in his seat, the anxiety finally draining out of him. He could only hope tomorrow with Shane’s family would go even half as well.</p>
<hr/><p>Ryan settled into the couch. They’d finished dinner, they’d opened gifts and the sun was setting. Sara settled in beside him, her head on his shoulder while Shane plugged in the flash drive.</p><p>“What movie are you putting in?” Sara’s mother asked.</p><p>“It’s a good one,” Shane said. “Something I really think you’ll like.” He stood in front of the tv as he pulled up the video and paused it on the black screen, sitting beside Sara. “Alright, everyone ready?” Both Sara and Shane’s nodded and Shane’s dad stretched out, putting the footrest up on the recliner. Shane laughed. “This is a movie I’m sure you’ll stay awake for dad.”</p><p>“I’ll believe it when I see it.”</p><p>Sara laughed and reached over to press the play button on the remote. “Just press play.”</p><p>Shane shook his head and leaned down to give her a kiss. “So bossy.”</p><p>The screen turned on, the fuzzy black and white outline taking up the screen. Ryan’s name was across the top along with all the hospital and due date information. Ryan was sleepy, content. He rested his head down against Sara’s and set his hands on his belly. He still didn’t think there was much to see but it was comforting. He liked knowing the baby was safe.</p><p>Sherry was the first one to break. She looked between Shane and Sara. “I thought you guys didn’t want kids.”</p><p>Shane shrugged sheepishly. “Ryan offered to surrogate,” he said.</p><p>Sherry looked back at the sonogram and watched the baby roll. “Oh, Ryan,” she murmured. She reached over and took Mark’s hand. “Mark look.”</p><p>“Congrats, Shane,” Scott said tossing his Santa hat at Shane. “And Ryan and Sara.” He had a genuine smile on his face.</p><p>“Thanks,” Shane said. His own smile was soft, a little dopey. He relaxed into the couch, all the tension drained from his body and he just smiled. He watched the baby— their baby— shift on screen.</p><p>Sara’s mom rushed in and gave Shane and Sara each a hug, wiping tears from her eyes. “Congratulations, honey. I’m so happy for you.” Shane hugged her back, holding her until she let go first. She squeezed Ryan’s hand lovingly in lieu of a hug. “Oh this means I get to go baby shopping. Is it a boy or a girl? Do you know yet?”</p><p>“Looks like a girl, the doctor said.”</p><p>“When did you find out, Ryan?”</p><p>Ryan’s hand tensed on his stomach. “Yesterday,” he answered truthfully. “I miscarried almost two months ago. Turns out little one here was a twin but she survived. I didn’t know until my check up yesterday.”</p><p>Sara’s hand rested on Ryan’s thigh and her thumb rubbed comfortingly back and forth. She looked up at Ryan and found Ryan staring down at his stomach, at the way his thumbs mimicked the same movement she was making on his thigh just above his waistband.</p><p>“Oh I can’t even imagine,” Sherry said. “But she’s healthy?” Ryan nodded and Sherry sighed. “Good. That’s great. And how are you feeling?”</p><p>“Tired,” Ryan replied and Shane laughed.</p><p>“He’s always tired. He can take naps anywhere now. I’m sure we could go on location somewhere and for the first time ever, he’d be able to sleep through the night.” Shane looked over at Ryan and saw him blinking sleepily back at Shane.</p><p>“Please don’t,” he deadpanned. “Aw shit, we’re going to have to reschedule some locations.”</p><p>“Don’t worry about that now,” Sara said. “Do you want to go upstairs and sleep?”</p><p>Ryan shook his head and opened his eyes dramatically wide. “No, that’d be rude.” He yawned. “I’ll be fine,” he said through it.</p><p>Shane snorted and Sara rolled her eyes at Ryan before turning back to the tv. “We can watch something else now,” Shane said, standing up intending to pull out the flash drive.</p><p>“Don’t,” Mark said, stopping Shane. “Let’s see the rest of this. First movie I haven’t slept through in a while.”</p><p>“Ah, a silent film fan,” Sara teased and Mark grinned.</p><p>“Nah, just like seeing my grandchild.” Mark had sat up in his seat and was watching the baby roll. “Didn’t really get to see this with the boys,” he said.</p><p>Ryan looked around the living room at the two families. Sara’s dad had been quiet but he stared adoringly at the screen; Scott and Mark had too. Sara and Shane’s mothers were already talking about clothes and gifts and cribs. Everything felt so safe and warm here. The lights were low; the Christmas lights were the only real lighting they had. But being around such happy, supportive people just felt right.</p><p>Sara shifted off Ryan’s shoulder and pat his lap. “I’ll be back,” she said and Ryan nodded. He shifted over against Shane and set his head on Shane’s shoulder instead. Sara could have his spot when she came back.</p><p>“Hey,” Shane said, glancing down at him. “Why don’t you sleep?”</p><p>“Just a nap,” Ryan insisted.</p><p>Shane nodded, a soft knowing smile on his face. “Just a nap.”</p><p>A blanket was pulled on his lap as Ryan closed his eyes and fell asleep to the sound of the baby’s heartbeat on the sonogram.</p><p>
  <em>Safe.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw for dysphoria, negative self thoughts</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ryan was absolutely pale, sitting across from Shane. He was tapping on his computer, editing a new episode of unsolved. He looked so uncomfortable. People kept walking up to him, asking him if he needed to go home; he always said no. Shane played footsies with Ryan under the desk until Ryan looked up at him. </p><p>“You okay?” Shane mouthed. </p><p>Ryan glanced down at his computer and started typing quickly. Shane’s computer dinged with a message. Shane narrowed his eyes in confusion but opened the message. </p><p><i>Someone in here has super strong perfume and it’s nauseous</i> </p><p>Shane nodded knowingly. “Need to go to the bathroom?” </p><p>Ryan caught a whiff of the perfume again and turned nearly green. He nodded and stood up, walking briskly to the bathroom. He slammed the door behind him and Shane went back to work. Hopefully Ryan would feel better once he came back. They had to pick up his prescriptions at some point today. He and Sara wanted to take Ryan shopping, hopefully start stocking up on some baby stuff. </p><p>Ryan came back looking more exhausted, but less pale. Shane handed him a container of tic-tacs and his water bottle. “I’m not gonna take your water. I’ll just take the tic-tacs.” </p><p>Shane hummed and sat the water bottle on the edge of both their desks. He turned back to his computer and tried to hide the pleased smile when Ryan eventually took the water bottle. Ryan was shifting in his seat, picking at his shirt. He kept frowning in obvious discomfort and Shane couldn’t do much but watch him. Someone walked over at once point and asked Ryan if he had ants in his pants and Ryan had stopped, choosing discomfort instead. </p><p>Shane frowned at that but waited until lunch time to say anything. “Hey,” he said, “wanna go get lunch?” Ryan shook his head and Shane fidgeted with the pen in his hands. Ryan was a grown man and Shane couldn’t make him eat if he didn’t want to but Ryan still needed to eat. “C’mon Ryan. You need something. I’ll get you something— anything.” </p><p>Ryan saved the file he was working on and closed it. He set his head in his hands. “I want to go home,” he whispered to himself. He looked up at Shane. “Can you just get me a burrito or something? I’m not really that hungry.” </p><p>Shane nodded, grabbing his wallet from his bag and his jacket. “Be back soon.” </p><p>Shane strode down the stairs and Ryan walked over to the elevator. He was going to HQ and he was staying there until Shane got back. He hated himself today. He hated feeling like a woman. He hated that his bra was too small. He hated that his hips ached and he had to wear a baggier shirt than he liked. Ryan mashed the button on the elevator and closed his eyes until the elevator shuffled into place. He walked to the office and immediately stripped his shirt off, throwing it angrily at the desk. </p><p>“Hey, Ryan, you okay?” TJ asked him. </p><p>Ryan jumped and shoved himself behind a prop. “Yeah I’m fine. Didn’t realize anyone was in here.” </p><p>“I want to try a new lighting setup, figured I’d come up here and fool around with it. You normally take your shirt off when there’s no audience? I thought that was just something you did for the cameras,” TJ teased. “But seriously, you okay?” </p><p>Ryan waited for TJ to look away before trying to hide himself behind the desk but he wasn’t quick enough. TJ turned around and looked at Ryan as he scrambled for his shirt, tripping over his chair. </p><p>TJ nodded and turned back around. “Okay.” </p><p>Ryan balled up the shirt and set it on the table in front of him, burying his face in it. “I hate my life,” he mumbled. </p><p>“Gonna have to do better than that one if you want me to follow.” </p><p>“I’m pregnant,” Ryan said. “And right now, I really hate that.” His voice cracked. He looked up at TJ. </p><p>TJ set down the light he was working with and moved to sit in Shane’s chair behind the desk. “What do you need from me? Do you need to vent or do you want some sort of help or solution or whatever?” </p><p>“I don’t know,” Ryan said, choking back tears. “I need to not be at work right now. I need to be back in my own clothes, not this stupid baggy shirt. But right now I’m stuck here because I need this job and I need money and I hate everything right now. I’m nauseous and Shane is making me eat anyway because I have to and I hate that too.” </p><p>“Do you want to go see if the Tasty kitchen has anything you want? That’s what I do when I’m not hungry but I know I have to eat.” </p><p>Ryan grabbed his shirt and pulled it back on. “Sorry for the whole… shirtless thing.” </p><p>TJ shrugged. “I’ve seen you shirtless before. Sports bras are a little different than binders but it’s— I was more thrown off by the sudden burst through the door and the throwing of things than you being shirtless.” TJ paused. “Alright, well I’ll admit you being pregnant threw me off a bit. Planned?” Ryan nodded. “Wanted? Generally speaking, maybe not right now.” </p><p>“I want her,” Ryan said. “I’m just mad about wanting her right now.” </p><p>TJ nodded. “Yeah that’s understandable.” They walked to the kitchen in relative silence and TJ pushed the door open. “Hey Rie, anything you need taste tested? Ryan’s having a bad day.” </p><p>Rie frowned. “I just sent some food downstairs,” she said, “but I have some leftover berries if you want those.” </p><p>“Those would be perfect. Where are they?” Rie motioned towards the fridge and Ryan went over and grabbed out the container of raspberries. He rinsed them off in the sink and sat down at the counter and started popping them in his mouth. </p><p>“Do you want to talk bout it?” Rie leaned over the counter she’d been cleaning off. “I’ve got time.” </p><p>“Nah,” Ryan said, “just needed some good old fashioned eating my feelings. You saved the day.” </p><p>Rie smiled. “I’m glad I could be of assistance. I’ll leave you two alone. Shut off the lights when you leave?” </p><p>Ryan nodded. “You got it.” He waited for the door to close and slumped down in his seat. “I’m sure you’ve got questions,” he said to TJ. </p><p>TJ nodded. “Of course, but that’s not my business. You can tell me if you want, don’t if you don’t.” TJ grabbed a raspberry and popped it in his mouth. </p><p>“I’m a surrogate,” Ryan said, “and it’s both the best and the worst decision I’ve ever made, but I’d do anything for Shane and Sara.” TJ choked on the raspberry he had in his mouth. </p><p>“Not where I thought that was going, I’ll be honest.” TJ swallowed down the raspberry. “Continue.”</p><p>Ryan walked back to the fridge and pulled out the strawberries, rinsing those off too. He plucked one from the container and shoved it in his mouth, biting off the greens. “I offered to because I really would do anything for them,” he said. “But now it’s just become a ticking time bomb. I’m reveling in the time and attention I’m getting from them and at the same time I know it’s only because of the baby. And when she’s here, I’ll… I don’t know what I’ll do.” </p><p>TJ snagged a few more raspberries. “You’re in love with them,” he said plainly. </p><p>“It hasn’t been obvious all these years?” </p><p>TJ chuckled. “I didn’t say that. I just wanted to confirm.” </p><p>“I’m in love with them. I’ve had sex with them. I’ve basked in the attention I’ve gotten from them, and now I’m waiting for the other foot to drop. I’m waiting for it to slam, actually.” Ryan took a strawberry and just held it. “I’m pretty sure once the baby comes, I’m back to being the best friend who third wheels more often than not. That’s my station in life.” </p><p>“Have you talked with them about this?” </p><p>“And stopped the affection early? Absolutely not,” Ryan said. “I’m drinking it all in while I can.” Ryan’s phone buzzed against the counter top and he reached in his pocket and pressed the off button. “I’ve got five more months of this. I’m taking what I can get while I can get it.” </p><p>TJ sighed and leaned back, pushing the raspberry container back towards Ryan. “It seems like you’re hurting more than you’re helping though. Is that part of what’s got you feeling so shitty today?” </p><p>Ryan snorted a laugh. “No. That’s pregnancy bullshit I’m sure you don’t want to hear about.” </p><p>“I heard it with my wife. I can handle it if you need an ear to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. But I can’t be your eating buddy. I gained enough weight when Kate was pregnant. You’ve got your own baby daddy to fatten up.” </p><p>Ryan laughed. “Yeah I’m sure he’ll get real fat on strawberries. He’s like one of those car sale air things, y’know? Those wavy arm blow up things. Anyway, yeah I don’t— we just found out so I haven’t been sharing many of those sorts of things with them. They’ll insist on buying them for me so I just… don’t. Part of the whole agreement was them buying me things instead of paying surrogate fees. So they— Shane’s out buying me lunch right now; lunch that I really don’t want.”  </p><p>TJ’s phone buzzed and he pulled it out and checked it. He pulled it up to his ear with a knowing smirk. “Hey Shane.” Ryan set his forehead on the counter. “Yeah he’s with me in the kitchen. I’ve got him snacking on berries.” Ryan packed up the berries and stacked the containers, ready to leave. “Yeah, we’ll meet you there.” He pushed his phone back in his pocket and grinned at Ryan. “Lunch date with your boy toy.” </p><p>“You’re not helping.” </p><p>“Better get over there before he calls again,” TJ teased. </p><p>“I’m going to push you down the stairs.” Ryan grabbed the berries and walked back to Ghoul HQ, plucking berries in his mouth as he followed TJ. </p><p>TJ opened the door for him and grabbed his lights, putting them away as Ryan sat down in his seat behind the desk. “I’ll just take care of these and leave you guys to it.”  </p><p>Ryan opened the berries and started eating, feeling Shane’s eyes on him. TJ cleaned up quickly and walked out, locking the door behind him with a wink. Ryan glared at him. </p><p>“How are you feeling?” </p><p>“Absolutely terrible,” Ryan said. </p><p>Shane was quiet, waiting for him to go on. “Do you want to talk about it?” </p><p>Ryan shifted in place. “My boobs have gotten bigger,” he said lowly, “and it’s been messing with me a little bit. My boobs hurt and my bra hurts and my hips hurt and I don’t want to be here today. I want to go home, I want to curl up in my bed naked, and I want to cry about it.” </p><p>Shane reached out and set his hand on Ryan’s arm. “Then let’s get you out of the bra.” </p><p>“Dude, it’s tits central without it. I’m not going back out there without it on.” </p><p>Shane shrugged. “So don’t. I’ll go grab your laptop and you can work up here. You’ve got research to finish, don’t you?” Ryan was quiet. Shane just watched him, waiting for an answer. “Ry, I don’t think wearing a sports bra that’s too small is good for you. Just like binding with a binder that doesn’t fit.” </p><p>“I know,” Ryan said, his voice wavering. “But this is my biggest one.” </p><p>Shane reached for the hem of Ryan’s shirt and eased it up when he didn’t get any resistance. The shirt was off over Ryan’s head and set on the tabletop. “Sara and I wanted to take you shopping later. We can pick up some new sports bras while we’re out. Think you’re up to going?” </p><p>Ryan set his hand on his stomach. Any other time, feeling her there would help him but right now all it yelled was ‘fake! not a man! fake!’ He pulled his hand back and set it on the table. “I don’t know. Maybe.” </p><p>Shane nodded. “Okay just let us know? Now let’s get you out of this bra, huh?” Ryan moved his body so Shane could pull the bra off. Shane pulled Ryan’s shirt back on and settled it into place. “Better?” </p><p>“If I don’t look down.” </p><p>Shane frowned at that, thinking. He leaned forward, pulling his flannel off and draping it over Ryan’s shoulders. “Do you think that might help a bit? You’d have to actually put it on but— think that’d help?” </p><p>Even if it didn’t help, wearing Shane’s shirt would be comforting. And it smelled good. Ryan nodded and pulled on the shirt. </p><p>“I’m sorry this is happening,” Shane said, curling a lock of Ryan’s hair behind his ear. “Is there anything else I can do to help?” </p><p>Ryan shook his head. “Eat your lunch, I’ll be alright.” </p><p>“I got you lunch too, you know.” Shane pulled a couple of burritos and set Ryan’s just past the fruit containers. “Even though it looks like you found something better. Raid the Tasty set?” </p><p>“It was TJ’s idea,” Ryan said. “They’d already sent the food downstairs when I got there but Rie said I could have the berries. I don’t know what they made but this is good with me.” Ryan held out a strawberry and watched as Shane’s lips wrapped around it with a smirk. Ryan blinked slowly, staring at Shane’s mouth. “We’re not doing this at work.” </p><p>“Doing what?” Shane grinned. “You’re the one feeding me strawberries. I’m just being polite and accepting.” </p><p>Ryan brushed his thumb against Shane’s lip. He knew Shane and Sara always managed to make him feel better, especially during sex— it was hard to hate his tits with Shane’s mouth wrapped around them. At work was probably not the best idea. “You know, TJ locked the door.” </p><p>Shane laughed. “Oh did he now?” Ryan nodded and Shane rolled his eyes with a smirk. “You’re insatiable. How about we wait until we get home, okay? You deserve better than bent over a desk.” </p><p>Ryan squeaked. “What if I want bent over the desk?” </p><p>“Then we’ll invite Sara and really make it fun.” </p><p>Ryan smiled and looked down at Shane’s flannel covering him. It covered his breasts well enough, he supposed. He buttoned the top two buttons and rubbed his hands on his stomach, begging for his usual comfort strategy to work. </p><p>“Can you feel her yet?” Shane asked, looking at his belly. </p><p>“I’m not sure,” Ryan replied. “Sometimes I think I might feel flutters and then I wonder if it’s just a fart instead.” </p><p>“Man I can’t wait to feel her,” Shane said. He leaned down and kissed Ryan’s stomach, right below his belly button and Ryan clenched his thighs. Now was not the time to get horny about this. </p><p>“Few more weeks, probably,” Ryan said, looking at Shane’s head down in his lap. He twirled Shane’s hair around his fingers. </p><p>Shane hummed. “God I won’t be able to keep my hands off you.” </p><p>“You really can’t now but I— I don’t mind,” Ryan said. Was his voice breathless? He felt a little breathless. Shane turned and smiled up at Ryan and Ryan’s heart stuttered. “I kinda like it.” </p><p>“Then I’ll make sure I don’t hold back.” Shane looked back at Ryan’s stomach. “I know she can’t hear me yet but I can’t wait to talk to her.” Shane shifted himself to lay on Ryan’s thighs and he stared at the small bump. “I’ll never be able to thank you enough, Ry.” </p><p>Ryan played with Shane’s hair and smiled down at him. The love in Shane’s eyes was potent. Ryan felt tears welling in his eyes. “You don’t have to thank me.” </p><p>Shane kissed Ryan’s bump again and looked up at Ryan. “I really do. We’ll start by bringing you baby shopping with us today, okay? We’ll get you some new clothes or whatever you want.” Shane sat up and kissed Ryan. He moved so quickly Ryan was caught off guard but he sighed into the kiss. Shane cupped the back of his head and deepened the kiss. </p><p>“If you don’t want to bend me over this desk and fuck me, you can’t keep kissing me like that.” </p><p>“Oh I want to,” Shane said, “but my lunch break is almost done.” </p><p>“You can grab your laptop and join me up here for… research purposes.” </p><p>Shane laughed. “What’s the basis of the research?” </p><p>“Honestly, I just want to feel your cock stretching me. If you want to keep the research facade going, you have that right, but I just want you to pin me down and rail me.” </p><p>Shane groaned and leaned in to Ryan, kissing him again. “I have to go downstairs and you’re making me indecent,” he murmured against Shane’s lips. </p><p>“Hey, once they all find out you got me pregnant, they can congratulate me on two fronts— one, for getting pregnant and two, for taking that massive cock of yours.” Ryan kissed Shane and laughed as Shane had to catch himself from falling. </p><p>“Leaning back on this chair was maybe not the best idea,” Shane said, laughing. He had a wild look in his eye; lust combined with humor. It was a look Ryan could get used to, that he really already had. Shane fixed himself in the chair, sitting up right and grabbed his burrito. “I really should at least eat since it’s our lunch break.” </p><p>“You could. Yeah.” Ryan popped a few raspberries in his mouth, squishing them between his lips. “Or you could keep kissing me.” </p><p>Shane abandoned the burrito back on the desk and straddled Ryan’s lap. “I should find you a lipstick in this color. It looks good on you.” </p><p>“Lipstick won’t taste as good as this though,” Ryan teased, licking the juice off his lips. </p><p>Shane leaned in and grabbed Ryan’s wrists, anchoring his hands on Shane’s waist. “You taste good enough for me,” he said, kissing away juice that ran down Ryan’s chin. He grabbed a strawberry and tore off the stem, placing it between his lips. </p><p>Ryan snickered and bit the strawberry in half, kissing Shane immediately after. He pulled back to chew the berry. “Is this how you’re going to get me to eat?” Ryan asked. </p><p>“Is it working?” </p><p>Ryan laughed and nodded, swallowing the strawberry. “I mean… a little bit. Yeah. I could kiss you every day for the rest of my life.” His cheeks flushed and Shane grinned. </p><p>“I think I could handle that,” he said, leaning onto Ryan’s shoulder. He kissed down Ryan’s neck, sucking a bruise into the skin just above Ryan’s collarbone. Ryan went lax beneath him and Shane smirked. “Always a sucker for being kissed on your neck, aren’t you?” </p><p>Ryan shook his head and Shane mouthed at his neck again. Ryan changed his mind and nodded. Shane burst out laughing and Ryan couldn’t help but feel flutters in his stomach at the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled. Shane kissed his forehead and Ryan sighed. </p><p>“Holy shit wait. I think I just felt the baby move,” Ryan said. “Like, actually move.” </p><p>Shane climbed off Ryan’s lap and sat on the floor beside him. “Keep working those muscles little one so I can feel you too, okay?” </p><p>“One day she’s going to be kicking you in the side and I want you to remember that statement.” </p><p>“I look forward to it,” Shane said. “I really do.” </p><p>Ryan set his left hand on his stomach and held his breath as Shane set his hand on top of Ryan’s. “I can’t believe you were just… never going to become a dad.” </p><p>“Loving Sara means understanding that she doesn’t want to have kids. I was just okay with it. And I didn’t— I didn’t even think about it until she mentioned it that day. I guess I subconsciously still wanted it. I must have since she caught me staring at those families playing but…” Shane trailed off, shrugging. </p><p>“Well now you both get what you want,” Ryan said. </p><p>Shane smiled but it seemed tinged with melancholy. “Yeah.” </p><p>“I’d do it again in a heartbeat, you know. Even after I have this baby, if that’s what you want.” </p><p>“I’m not going to use you as a broodmare,” Shane said. </p><p>“You can use me as a broodmare if you want. I offer my uterus to the cause.” </p><p>Shane raised his eyebrow and laughed. “The cause?” </p><p>“Listen, I get to give you what you want <i>and</i> I get what I want. It’s a win-win.” </p><p>Shane looked at their hands. “And what do you want Ryan?” </p><p>Ryan looked down at the pink on Shane’s cheeks. He thought about how Shane’s eyes crinkled. He thought about the way Shane had cried when he saw the baby on the sonogram, the grin wide on his face. “I want you happy,” Ryan said plainly. <i>Even if that doesn’t include me.</i></p><p>Shane’s face grew soft and he squeezed Ryan’s hand. “I was happy even before, Ry— I had my girlfriend and my ghoul friend, friends who love me, a decent job. I was happy.” </p><p>“But you’re happier now.” </p><p>Shane smiled and ran his thumb over Ryan’s hand. “Yeah, I am.” </p><p>Ryan looked up at the clock on the wall and sighed. “You should get back to work, you know. I’ll see you later?” </p><p>“You’ll see me when I bring your laptop up to you,” Shane corrected. “If you’re up for shopping though, we’ll see you then, okay?” </p><p>“Sounds good big guy.” </p>
<hr/><p>Ryan worked quietly in Ghoul HQ for the rest of the day. Sara had come in at one point to kiss his head while he read. They’d talked for a while and she’d asked him how he felt. He left out the dysphoria; he left out how he wanted to scratch his skin until he didn’t feel like this anymore. </p><p>It was just about five o’clock. Ryan saved all his work and his research articles and shut off his computer, packing it in his bag. He walked to the elevator and stepped inside, waiting for the door to shut when he felt that flutter again. It was definitely the baby that time. 100% without a doubt baby. </p><p>Worry started running through Ryan’s head. Sure the baby was okay now, but what if she wasn’t?  What if something happened like with her twin and she was suddenly gone too? Now that Ryan had felt her move, he wasn’t sure he could survive that. </p><p>The elevator started moving and Ryan snapped back out of it. He pressed the button to go down and waited for the doors to open. People passed him as he moved. They all gave him odd looks, their gaze moving down to his hand. Ryan bit his lip and moved on, walking to Shane’s desk. </p><p>Shane looked up to him and saw Ryan’s lip between his teeth, his hand on his stomach. “Hey, you okay?” </p><p>Ryan smiled down a him and set his hand on Shane’s shoulder. “Yeah I’m all good. I’m going to go get Sara but I’m ready to go any time.” </p><p>“Okay,” Shane said. “I’ll be down in a few. Here—” Shane handed Ryan his key ring. “I’ll meet you guys at the car.” </p><p>Ryan grabbed the heys and shoved them in his pocket. He grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair and walked to Sara’s desk. He moved sluggishly. The closer it came to actually happening the more he didn’t want to go baby shopping. He walked up behind Sara and leaned over her shoulder, looking at her computer. </p><p>Sara looked up at him. “Hey,” she said with a small smile. “Ready to go?” </p><p>Ryan held up the keys and jangled them. “Got the keys and everything.” </p><p>“Great! Gimme a minute? I’ve just got a few more things to finish up.” </p><p>Ryan slumped to the floor next to Sara’s chair and leaned his back against the leg of the desk. He closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of people cleaning up around him. People talked around him, their conversations going in one ear and out the other. His hand moved to his belly and he held it, his hand hiding under his shirt. </p><p>Sara sat watching him. She waited for the room to clear out and tapped Ryan’s shoulder. His eyes jerked open and he looked wild eyed up at her. “Hey, are you okay?” she asked. </p><p>“I’m okay.” </p><p>“Ryan,” she said. She didn’t believe him and he knew it. “Come on, talk to me baby.” </p><p>Ryan’s hand moved out from under his shirt and he stared down at Shane’s flannel. “It’s been a weird day,” he admitted. “And I’m not… it’s been a lot.” </p><p>Sara grabbed her phone and shot off a quick text to Shane, setting the phone back down. “Let’s talk. You’re not doing this alone, Ryan. You don’t need to keep things from us.” </p><p>Ryan scratched at his neck and sighed. “It’s been a bad dysphoria day,” he said at last. “My sports bras don’t fit anymore and my hips hurt and I’ve been very aware of the fact that I’m a woman.” </p><p>“You’re not though,” Sara said, furrowing her brows. </p><p>“Biologically, I am though and today I’ve been very aware of that. And my sports bra was uncomfortable this morning because my chest hurts and so I kept adjusting it and someone just offhandedly mentioned it and I stopped adjusting. And then I felt the baby move and now I’m terrified that something is going to happen to her.” </p><p>“If you feel her, then—” </p><p>“I know it’s not logical,” he said. He pushed himself to his feet and slumped into one of the chairs adjacent to Sara’s desk. “But now that I feel her I can feel myself getting even more attached to her and what if something happens to her now? It’s already happened once and I— I don’t know if I could handle it again.” </p><p>Sara took Ryan’s face in her hands and kissed him deeply. “You’re spiraling,” she murmured against Ryan’s lips. “You’re okay, the baby is okay. Shane and I are okay. We can head home if you don’t want to go shopping, you know.” </p><p>Home. </p><p>Ryan spent more time at Sara and Shane’s place than his own these days. Did she mean that home? Or would they drop Ryan off at his place and go shopping on their own? </p><p>“Do you want to go home?” </p><p>Ryan shook his head and grabbed his bag. “I’m— We can go to the mall or something. Do you have anywhere in mind?” </p><p>“There’s a maternity shop in the city I wanted to hit. Despite being called a maternity shop, I’ve heard its styles are relatively inclusive and LGBT friendly.” </p><p>Ryan nodded. “Okay.” </p><p>“Ryan, we really don’t have to go if you’re not up to it.” Sara sat on Ryan’s lap and played with his hair. “You’re allowed to say no to us, you know. Do you want to go?” </p><p>Ryan set his jaw and he looked away from Sara to stare at the floor. He tried to stop his eyes from tearing up but he couldn’t. “Can we just go pick up bras or something? I don’t— I can’t go another day without one that fits.” </p><p>“You can wear some of mine if you want. They’ll probably fit.” </p><p>Ryan sniffled. “I’m so sick of crying over stupid shit.” He wiped at his eyes with the ball of his palms. “Yeah, I’ll try that. I’m sorry.” </p><p>“You don’t have to be sorry, Ryan. If Shane and I want to do something and you don’t want to, you can just tell us, okay? We can go alone or we can wait until you want to come with us. You’re not a prisoner here. You’re still your own person.” Sara leaned in. “You can also tell me if you don’t want to kiss me at any point.” </p><p>“I do,” Ryan whispered and he closed the distance between their lips. “I always do.” </p><p>The door opened and Ryan pulled back quickly. Shane laughed at the panicked look on his face. “If you don’t want to get caught making out without me, maybe don’t make out on one of the main floors of Buzzfeed right after people leave.” Shane leaned in and kissed Ryan and Sara. “You guys ready to go?” </p><p>Sara looked at Ryan and raised her eyebrow. “Ryan?” </p><p>Ryan swallowed hard and looked up at Shane. “Is it fine if we don’t go shopping today?” </p><p>“Yeah, of course!” Shane said and Ryan’s brows furrowed. </p><p>“Really?” </p><p>Sara climbed off Ryan’s lap and stood up next to Shane. “I told you earlier that if you didn’t want to do anything, you just had to tell us,” he said. “We’ll reschedule. It’s late anyway. We can try this weekend or something, some day we have more time.” Shane held out his hand to pull Ryan up. “Come on. We’ll go get something to eat. I still have your burrito if you want that. I’m not sure it’ll be any good cold but—” Shane shrugged. “Food’s food.” </p><p>“I think I’m just gonna go home.”  </p><p>Shane nodded and started walking off. </p><p>“My home,” Ryan amended. “My house.” He grabbed his bag and pulled it on his shoulders frantically. “I’m— I’ll order an Uber.” Ryan’s hands were shaking. He gave Sara a quick hug before she could register what was happening and tried to do the same to Shane, but he caught Ryan. </p><p>Shane’s arms tightened around Ryan and held him close. “Please talk to me, Ryan. What’s going on?” </p><p>Ryan pushed against Shane’s chest but Shane just held him. “Let me go,” he pled. “Please.” </p><p>Shane held him for another moment but relented. He reached out and wiped at the tears in Ryan’s eyes. “Ryan, please talk to me. What’s going on?” Ryan tried walking off but Shane’s voice stopped him in his tracks. “Please?” His voice was small and it cracked, threatening to betray the tears Shane was fighting off. </p><p>“I…” Ryan’s voice cut out, choked with tears. “I’m—” He crossed his arms in front of his chest and his fingers dug into his arms. “I’m waiting for you to get sick of me, to decide that you hate me as much as I hate myself right now.” </p><p>“Never,” Sara said immediately. “Ryan, we’ll never hate you. C’mere.” She held her arms out and Ryan walked into them, sobbing. His shoulders shuddered with it and Shane wrapped his arms around both of them. </p><p>“Ryan,” Shane whispered. “I could never hate you. I’d say ghosts are real for all the internet to hear before I’d ever hate you.” </p><p>“Yeah but you can’t be sure of that,” Ryan said sniffling. “What if— what if—” He was gasping between Shane and Sara. </p><p>“There are no what ifs, Ry. Never ever.” </p><p>Sara and Shane held Ryan until the crying stopped. At one point, someone walked in, saw Ryan sobbing, and quietly backed out. Ryan’s breathing evened out a bit more and he relaxed into their arms. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I feel dumb.” </p><p>Shane relaxed and stepped back from Ryan, trying to give him space, but Ryan grabbed his arms and pulled him back in. </p><p>“Not yet, please?” Ryan snuggled into their arms and relished in their warmth and comfort. He’d never get enough of this. He felt the baby roll inside him, a little reminder of hello! I’m here! that made him calm down that little bit more. “Okay, I think I’m alright,” he mumbled, not really wanting to let go but his hips were starting to hurt again. </p><p>Sara released him and stepped back. “I’m going to go get the car and pull it around, okay? You guys wait here.” </p><p>Shane sat down in Sara’s chair and pulled Ryan into his lap. “I don’t think you know how much we love you Ryan, how much everyone loves you.” </p><p><i>I don’t think you know how much I love you</i>, Ryan thought. <i>And Sara.</i> “It’s hard to think anyone could love me when I can’t even find something good about myself right now. I know I’m being too much but I just— I can’t see… why anyone would.” </p><p>“You’re funny, for starters. You’re smart— for the most part,” Shane said teasing. “You’re insanely kind and you’re always willing to push yourself out of your comfort zone. You’re brave, so brave. You’re hot— that helps make up for when you’re ranting about ghosts.” </p><p>Ryan sniffled and wiped his eyes, laughing. “Wow, thanks.” </p><p>Shane rubbed his hand on Ryan’s thigh. “Do you still want to go to your place? Sara and I can drop you off if you do.” </p><p>“You still want me at your place even though I’m being a mess?” </p><p>Shane nodded. “You’re always a mess, little guy.” </p><p>Ryan laughed again and wiped his eyes. “Yeah, I think so too. Are you sure you can put up with me?” </p><p>“Of course I can,” Shane snorted. “You say that like I don’t put myself in the perfect position to put up with you every day. And I’ll keep doing it until <i>you’re</i> sick of <i>me.</i>” </p><p>“Not happening, big guy,” Ryan said. He stood up and pulled Shane up beside him. “Let’s go. I’m exhausted.” </p><p>“We’ll really bring you home if you want, Ryan. You’re not a prisoner here.” </p><p>“I don’t want to be at home. It’s lonely there,” Ryan said, walking to the doors. “But I don’t want to overstay my welcome.” </p><p>Shane clapped Ryan on the shoulder. “Couldn’t happen. Now let’s go get some food.” </p><p>“Pass on the food. I’m just gonna nap.” Ryan stepped back and let Shane pass through the doors first, walking to the car. Ryan slumped into the backseat, laying down. Sara looked worriedly at him in the rearview mirror and drove home. They turned the music on low, letting Ryan rest. </p><p>When they got home, Shane reached back and shook Ryan’s arm gently. “Hey, we’re home.” </p><p>Ryan woke up and looked around, blinking the sleep from his eyes. “Home?” </p><p>“Yeah.” Shane crawled out of the car and opened the back door for Ryan. “Come on. Go up to bed.” </p><p>Ryan yawned and half-leaned against Shane as they walked in the house. “I’ll just take the chair,” he said, pulling off his shoes. </p><p>Sara took his bag off his shoulder and set it out of the way. “At least take the couch if you’re not going to go upstairs, Ryan.” She rubbed his shoulders and followed him to the living room, maneuvering him to the couch. “Do you want a blanket?” </p><p>Ryan nodded and dropped himself down onto the couch, curling up. “Thanks,” he whispered. He was already half asleep. His eyes fluttered shut and he fell asleep to the sounds of Shane getting ready to cook in the kitchen. </p><p>Sara carried the blanket over to the couch and draped it over Ryan, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Sleep well.” She started to walk to the kitchen but was side tracked by a knock at the door. Her brow furrowed and she went to answer it. There was a box on the porch and the delivery man was walking back down the driveway. Sara wrestled the box inside and brought it into the living room. The box was easily half her size. </p><p>Shane peeked his head around the corner and looked at Sara. “Who was at the door?” </p><p>“Your mom sent us a package,” she said. </p><p>Shane laughed. “She must’ve gone baby shopping the day she got back home. You wanna open it?” </p><p>Sara looked at the package. “Should we wait for Ryan to wake up?” </p><p>“I’m awake,” Ryan mumbled, sitting up to look at the box. “What’s that?” </p><p>“Package from Shane’s parents. Want to help open it?” </p><p>Ryan wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and pulled his legs up onto the couch. He shook his head. “I’ll watch,” he said. </p><p>Shane leaned over the back of the couch and handed Sara his pocket knife. “Go ahead,” he said. </p><p>Sara tore into the box and opened it. She pulled out a small box and handed it to Ryan. “You can help,” she teased. She looked in the box. “There’s plenty more where that came from.” Sara pulled out a bundle wrapped in blue and pink wrapping paper and handed it to Shane. </p><p>“Let me just shut off the burner real quick,” he said, going into the kitchen. </p><p>Ryan looked at the package. “Should we be recording this?” </p><p>Sara smiled. “If you want to.” </p><p>Ryan looked down at the box and twirled the ribbon around his fingers. “I… You guys will get sick of me every time I want to record. It’s an excessive amount.” </p><p>“Ryan,” Sara said and Ryan looked up at her. “Record it. Please.” </p><p>Ryan reached into his bag and pulled out a small camera. “Tell me if you want to stop, okay?” </p><p>“You’re making a pregnancy video, right? This seems pretty important. Baby’s first gifts!” </p><p>Ryan opened the viewfinder on the camera and set it up to record. “Alright, go.” </p><p>Sara motioned at the box. “We just got our first gift for Baby Madej in the mail. We’re—” Shane walked in front of Sara and she slapped at him, laughing. “We’re all going to open up some of the gifts. Ryan first.” </p><p>“No way,” he said. “I’ve got the camera. Sara first.” </p><p>Sara reached into the big box and pulled out another package, tearing into the tissue paper without a second thought. It was a small bigfoot plushie and Ryan burst out laughing behind the camera, covering his mouth. </p><p>“Sorry,” he said, trying to stifle the giggles. “I just— Where’s the onesie I got back in October? Your mom didn’t even see that but she—” Ryan dissolved into laughter and Shane and Sara joined him. “A real bona fide Sasquatch here, right from Mama ‘Squatch herself.” </p><p>Sara cradled the stuffie on her lap and smiled at Ryan. It was the most enthusiasm she’d seen from him all day. “Shane next?” </p><p>Shane looked at the wrapping paper on his lap and started picking at the tape. </p><p>“Oh my god, hurry up,” Ryan grumbled. </p><p>“Hey, this is my present and I get to take my time with it.” He stuck his tongue out at Ryan and crinkled his nose. “I’m helping you make a cinematic masterpiece.” He unfolded the wrapping paper and turned the package so Ryan couldn’t see inside. “Oh wow!” </p><p>“I’m going to kill you,” Ryan said. “Let me see.” </p><p>Shane pulled out a handmade blanket and tossed the wrapping paper on the floor. “It was my baby blanket when I was younger. I took this thing everywhere.” Shane’s hands ran over the yarn. “I’m surprised it still looks this good.” Shane looked at the camera with a small grin. “Thanks mom.” He looked back down at the blanket and rubbed it with his thumbs. </p><p>Sara reached her arms out toward Ryan. “Camera. It’s your turn now.” She was using grabby hands and Ryan laughed, setting the camera in her palm. “Wait! Let me fix it first, you ass.” She shifted the camera. “Okay, go.” </p><p>Ryan untied the ribbon and opened the box, setting it to the floor. He smiled softly and pulled out a note. <i>Ryan, this is for you. You’re part of the family now too. Love, Mama Madej.</i> Ryan’s face grew soft and he set the note carefully on the end table. </p><p>“What’d it say?” Shane asked, reaching for the note. “‘Ryan, this is for you. You’re part of the family now, too. Love, Mama Madej.’ See Ryan, even my mom loves you. Can’t deny it now.” </p><p>Ryan’s face flushed and he ducked his face. “Yeah whatever.” He unfolded the tissue paper and pulled out a onesie. Ryan held it in his hands and his eyes watered. He wiped at his eyes. “I’m getting real sick of being weepy,” he said. “Shane you’re gonna have to teach me that midwestern stoicism.” </p><p>“Can’t be taught, baby. This is born and bred into me. I’m midwestern through and through.” Sara panned the camera to Shane and he waggled his eyebrows with two thumbs up before the camera turned back to Ryan. </p><p>“Great, the baby is going to have better emotional control than I am,” Ryan said, only half teasing. “She’s going to come out with just this look of serenity. She won’t cry or anything.” Ryan took the onesie out of the box and tossed the box to the floor, cradling the soft fabric in his lap. “I love this. Score one for Mama Madej.” </p><p>Ryan turned the onesie around for the camera. ‘I love my trans dad,’ it read. Shane looked up and smiled softly at Ryan. Sara cooed and Ryan turned it back around. </p><p>“I can’t wait to see her in it,” Shane said. “Since you <i>are</i> her dad and all.” </p><p>Ryan looked at Shane. “You guys really want me to be her dad too?” </p><p>“Of course!” Sara exclaimed. “You’re the majority of the reason she’s here!” </p><p>“Well…” Ryan started, “Shane helped.” </p><p>Shane snorted and Sara laughed. “Shane got to cum inside you. You’re doing the heavy lifting.” </p><p>Ryan flushed. “You know you’re still recording, right?” He stood up and took the camera, turning it back on Shane and Sara. “Your turn and please remember this is a video I want to show our daughter some day.” </p><p>Shane flushed and Sara’s mouth clamped shut. “You called her ‘our daughter,’” Shane said. “That’s— that’s the first time I think any of us have—” Shane cut off with a sniffle. “You three are ruining my midwestern cred here.” </p><p>“She’s just always been ‘the baby,’” Sara agreed. </p><p>They sat in silence, just thinking. They were going to have a daughter in just… five months. Shane was still playing with the blanket on his lap. </p><p>Sara passed everyone another gift from the package and opened hers. The mood had gone from hyper excitement to quiet anticipation. Ryan could feel the baby— their daughter— fluttering in his stomach again and he couldn’t help the tears that trailed from his eyes. He knew she couldn’t hear them yet but somehow she always knew when she was needed. </p><p>Sara’s package was a little dress set, soft mesh around a tiny onesie. “A summer dress for our little June baby,” Sara read from the note inside. She sighed. “Oh, a summer baby. I didn’t even think of that. What will she be— a gemini? She’s going to be so passionate about everything.” </p><p>“I don’t know anything about astrology,” Ryan admitted, “but a summer baby sounds so nice. Early summer at least. I do <i>not</i> want to be pregnant when it starts getting into the 80s and above.” </p><p>“You’d better hope she comes on time or that this summer isn’t above average,” Shane teased. He opened his gift— “Why did my mother wrap all of these?”— and pulled out a set of onesies. They were plain, solid colors but Shane unwrapped them and just set them on his thigh all stretched out. “Hard to believe she’ll fit these, huh?” </p><p>“Even you came out normal sized,” Sara teased. </p><p>“She’ll fit perfectly on your lap when she’s here,” Ryan added. “And she’ll grow from there.” </p><p>Shane looked down at the onesies again. “She’ll be so tiny.” He looked over at Ryan’s tiny bump and held up the onesie. “Hard to believe she’ll come out this big. Part of me is thinking ‘that’s so tiny’ and the other part looks at how small you are now and thinks ‘he’s going to grow something that fits this’ and I’m amazed either way.” </p><p>Ryan blushed a bit and looked down at the viewfinder. He didn’t mind being a part of Shane’s amazement. “Hopefully she’ll be a little smaller than that, but yeah. Some day, huh?” </p><p>Sara grabbed for the camera. “Okay, Ryan. Last two gifts are yours.” </p><p>Ryan looked into the box. “Two? Wait why me?” </p><p>“Gestator’s privilege.” </p><p>“Is gestator even a word?” </p><p>“I don’t see why it wouldn’t be?” Sara said, shrugging. “You’re gestating. That makes you the gestator. I can’t say father’s privilege because you’d just pass it on to Shane because you don’t want me recording you but alas, here we are with the camera on you.” </p><p>Ryan shifted, uncrossing his legs. “Okay, last two.” This one was in a box, taped closed. “Can I have the knife?” he asked, reaching out to Shane. Shane handed the knife over and Ryan cut the tape. He opened the box to find it packed full of clothes for the baby— dresses and pants, teeny socks and a few bibs. At the very bottom were some pajamas. Ryan spread them out on his lap and stacked them as he looked at them. </p><p>Suddenly Sara was beside him, the camera off and set aside somewhere. “Ryan? You okay?” </p><p>Ryan looked up to see Shane and Sara looking worriedly at him. “Yeah,” he lied, “I’m fine.” He looked down at the baby clothes. <i>What if this was a waste of money? What if something happens to her before she gets here? Why can’t I stop ruining things? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be happy today?</i> “I’m just tired.” </p><p>“You look like you’re going to hurl, man,” Shane said, looking at him. Shane was pulling the last gift out of the box and he set it on the coffee table. He gathered up all the garbage and wrapping paper and tossed it in the box. </p><p>“Yeah I’m— I mean no, I’m—” Ryan quickly folded the clothes on his lap and set them back in the box, rushing off to the bathroom. He wasn’t going to throw up but he felt like the walls were closing in on him. He splashed water on his face and sat in the tub, hoping the cool porcelain would calm him down. It just chilled him. </p><p>Ryan laid in the tub, thinking about how he’d been all day. He’d worried everyone, he’d been a nuisance, that was for sure. He couldn’t— he had to avoid mirrors and reflective surfaces. He’d just been anxious. He couldn’t even enjoy feeling the baby move for the first time like he should have. He was such a bad parent; how could Shane and Sara want him around? He’d have to make sure once the baby was here that he didn’t bring her down. She didn’t deserve that in her life. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “But I’m glad you’ll have a mom and pop who can love you and take care of you like you deserve.” His stomach fluttered again and Ryan sighed. He could hear Shane and Sara moving around outside. The smell of pasta permeated the door. He was nearly asleep in the tub when someone knocked on the door. </p><p>“Ry?” Shane’s voice was quiet. “Are you okay?” </p><p>Ryan sat in the tub. Was he okay? Obviously not today but in general, was he okay? Ryan looked up at the light flickering above the sink— someone would have to change that soon. </p><p>“Ry? I’m coming in.” Shane opened the door, his body visibly relaxing when he saw Ryan in the tub. “Hey, I was trying to talk to you. Why didn’t you answer me?” He sat on the edge of the tub, reaching out to touch Ryan before thinking better and pulling his hand back. “I was calling your name for probably… thirty seconds.” </p><p>“Oh,” Ryan said. “Sorry.” He stared back at faucet. “I’m sorry I’ve ruined most of today,” Ryan said. </p><p>Shane sat, staring at the floor. “You didn’t. You’re just having a bad day. I know that.” He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the strands. “Do you regret this? I know we talked about you y’know, having to deal with dysphoria and everything but I know talking about it is different than actually having to deal with it. One of my biggest fears going through with all this was that you’d hate us or you’d hate the baby or you’d hate yourself and I— I think you’re starting to. You’re already hating yourself more. I never wanted that to happen, Ry.” </p><p>Ryan reached out and set his hand on Shane’s thigh. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you,” he whispered. </p><p>“Maybe not now,” Shane replied, “but you might.” Shane set his hand on top of Ryan’s. “I love you Ry. I don’t ever want to be something you regret. I don’t want our daughter to be something you regret.” </p><p>“I don’t!” Ryan exclaimed. “I don’t. I love her more than anything. But what if something happens to her? What if something goes wrong and I can’t do anything to stop it? I feel her flutter and I’m so excited but then I think ‘what if the fluttering just stops one day?’ and I’m losing my mind over it.” Ryan ran his free hand through his own hair and grabbed it, pulling it by the roots. He dropped his head back against the tub. “I’m so sorry for ruining everything,” he whispered. </p><p>“You’re not. Sara and I are just worried about you. You opened that gift and you suddenly just… you weren’t there. You weren’t talking, your face went blank. I didn’t know— What can I do to help you, Ryan? You’re slipping away from us and you’re right here. I don’t want it to get worse so tell me: what can I do to help you?” </p><p>Ryan stared at the tub faucet and fiddled with the temperature knob with his foot. What if he just turned it on and let the water run over him? </p><p>“Ryan, please.” </p><p>“I think I’m depressed,” Ryan said at last. He looked up at Shane and Shane was nodding. </p><p>Shane pulled out his phone and tapped in a quick note. “We’ll call your therapist, okay? You’re not alone in this Ryan.” </p><p>Ryan thought about Shane and Sara, always right there when he needed them. His family, Shane and Sara’s families— they were all there if he needed them to be. “I know.” </p><p>Shane pressed a kiss to Ryan’s forehead and stood up. “Supper’s ready if you want some.” He walked to the door and was almost out when Ryan called to him. </p><p>“Shane?” Shane turned around and raised his eyebrow. “Thank you.” </p><p>Shane’s face softened into a small crooked smile. “Anything, Ryan. Anything.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Taking an Uber to work was way more stressful and way less fun than riding in with Sara and Shane. His driver’s cologne was disgusting, the music was too loud, the heat was too high. He walked into Buzzfeed and immediately ran off to the bathroom, ignoring everyone he walked past. He heard the door open and close as people came in and used the bathroom; Ryan kept himself locked in the stall.</p><p>He wrestled his bag off his shoulder and dug around for his anti-nausea medication. It had to be in here somewhere.</p><p>“Ryan?”</p><p>Fuck who was that? “What?” he groused out.</p><p>“You okay baby?” Oh it was Curly. “You’ve been in here for ten minutes.”</p><p>Ryan spit into the toilet and stood up, flushing. He slung the bag on his shoulder and pushed out of the stall, setting his bag on the edge of the sink.</p><p>“You don’t look too good. Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”</p><p>Ryan dug around some more, pulling out tic-tacs and, finally, a pill bottle. He stuck the pill to his tongue and waited for it to dissolve before popping in half a dozen tic-tacs. “Yeah, I’m alright,” Ryan said. “Shane told me you know about the baby?”</p><p>Curly leaned against the sink and set his hand on Ryan’s arm. “Yeah, how’re you doing?”</p><p>“I’m still pregnant,” Ryan said, “and it’s kicking my ass.”</p><p>Curly pulled Ryan into his arms and hugged him, squeezing him close. “I’m so happy for you!” Ryan turned to hug Curly back and Curly gasped. “Woah that’s a lot of baby. What happened?”</p><p>Ryan shrugged, chewing on the tic-tacs. “The best the doctor can figure is that the baby was a twin. I lost one but not the other.”</p><p>“So this is morning sickness?”</p><p>“Morning sickness combined with the worst Uber ride I’ve ever had.” Ryan washed his hands quickly and shoved everything back into his bag. “I’m ready to quit and become a housewife.”</p><p>Curly waggled his eyebrows and grinned. “Shane and Sara finally talk to you then?”</p><p>Ryan raised his eyebrow in confusion. “No? What are you talking about?”</p><p>“I’ve said too much. Talk later!” Curly pushed himself off the sink and walked out of the bathroom leaving Ryan by himself.</p><p>“What the fuck?” he whispered, pulling his bag back on his shoulder. He walked out to his desk and peeled off his jacket, tossing it over the back of his chair. Shane stared at the way his bump pressed against the t shirt. “Today’s the day everyone finds out because I’m so tired of trying to be covert. Hope that’s alright.”</p><p>Shane’s eyes were dark as he stared at Ryan with a grin on his face. “Yeah no that’s fine. It was up to you this whole time anyway.”</p><p>Ryan nodded and booted up his computer. “Follow up: can I catch a ride with you and Sara? That was the worst fucking Uber I’ve ever had.”</p><p>“Yeah, of course. Remember you have your appointment today,” Shane said, looking back down at his computer.</p><p>“Oh shit. Fuck!” Ryan sighed. He set his head in his hands. “Never mind, I’ll just catch an Uber home.”</p><p>Shane looked at Ryan all frazzled. “Hey… Ryan.” Ryan looked up at Shane. “We’re all going to the appointment.”</p><p>Ryan’s cheeks flushed and he looked down at his computer. “Right. I knew that.” Ryan looked through his bag and pulled out his notebook and two medication bottles. “Daily meds,” Ryan said, shaking the bottles. “See?”</p><p>Shane rolled his eyes with a soft grin. “Yes, Ry. I see.”</p><p>“Well I forget sometimes so here’s— this is so when I ask you later ‘hey did I take those?’ you can tell me yes. Do you have water?”</p><p>Shane handed over his water bottle. “Forgot yours, huh?”</p><p>“On the counter. I don’t want to talk about it.” Ryan swallowed down the meds and took a swig of water, setting the bottle back on the edge of their desks. “Thanks.”</p><p>“Mhmm.”</p><p>Shane was already back to working on his editing and Ryan tapped the front of his notebook. “We’re going to have to start pre-recording for when you’re on paternity leave. We have to tell Katie and Devon so they can help us plan out that schedule. Plus we have shoots to go on still. We’re going to have to either reschedule or cancel some of the later ones.”</p><p>Keith sat down in his seat next to Shane. “Shane you’re going on paternity leave?! How exciting! How’s Sara feeling?”</p><p>Shane grinned, winking at Ryan where Keith couldn’t see. “She’s feeling fine.” Ryan leaned back in his seat with a smirk on his face. The baby rolled around inside him. He was sure Sara was feeling just fine.</p><p>“When is she due?” Keith was leaning on his desk, his hand cradled on his fists, looking directly at Shane and completely ignoring Ryan.</p><p>Shane, looking down at his work in front of him, replied simply. “She’s not.”</p><p>Ryan laughed as Keith’s brow furrowed and Ryan could tell he was trying to figure out the math in his head. “Wait— what?”</p><p>Shane looked up slowly. “She’s not? She’s not pregnant.”</p><p>Keith gasped. “You <em>dog!</em>”</p><p>Ryan was biting his lip to try and keep his laughter in. Shane finally leaned back and looked Keith in the eyes. “Not a dog. We have a surrogate.”</p><p>Keith sighed dramatically. “Well congratulations but that’s far less gossip than I was hoping for. Do you have any sonogram pictures? I love seeing babies.” Keith was wiggling his fingers, hoping for something to see.</p><p>Ryan reached into his bag and pulled out the sonogram, sliding them over to Shane. Shane handed them to Keith who took the stack and unfolded them to see them all. His face softened as he looked at them. “This looks like a little human. How far along is sh—?” His eyes grew comically large when he looked at the name on the sonograms. “Oh my god, wait a minute. Ryan?!”</p><p>Ryan waved at Keith from his side of the desk. “Sara really does feel fine, you know. He didn’t lie about that.”</p><p>“Well he didn’t exactly tell the truth either, did he?” Keith shot back. “How are you feeling?”</p><p>Ryan shrugged. “Fine now that the anti-nausea meds are kicking in. Right now I’m not feeling too bad mentally or physically, but it gets difficult.”</p><p>Keith reached out and handed Ryan the sonogram photos. “If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I’m here.”</p><p>“Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.” Ryan smiled refolded the sonogram photos and set them up against his computer monitor.</p><p>Ryan could feel more people’s eyes on him as Keith brought attention to them. This was going to spread faster than he thought it would. Good, he thought, at least he wouldn’t have to tell them himself. Shane’s foot found his under the desk and their ankles pressed together. Shane’s eyebrows raised— a silent question of how he was doing. Ryan just shrugged and smiled.</p><p>He could hear the whispers being passed around the office but he couldn’t care less. He was so tired of trying to act like nothing was happening. He logged in and started scouring through his research, pulling out information he thought would make for a good voice over. He started outlining a script and began typing.</p><p>“I’m going to go grab some tea,” Ryan said standing up. He set his hand on Shane’s shoulder and looked over at his computer monitor. “Do you want anything?”</p><p>Shane clicked save on his video and stood up. “I’ll come with you. I want to go raid the cupboards for breakfast.” He followed Ryan to the kitchen and waited for the door to close behind them and he pressed Ryan against the counter. “Fuck you look so good.”</p><p>Ryan laughed and pushed Shane away. “You saw me yesterday and I looked the same.”</p><p>Shane set his hand on Ryan’s stomach. “C’mon, kick. Kick me. I need you to kick my hand.”</p><p>Ryan giggled and rubbed his hands on his stomach. “She was just rolling around. I don’t know why you and Sara can never feel her. <em>I</em> can feel her.”</p><p>“She’s inside you, Ry,” Shane said. “C’mon baby girl. Kick." Shane looked up at Ryan. “I’m gonna shake your fucking stomach like a magic eight ball in a second.”</p><p>“Step back for a moment,” Ryan said. Shane huffed and stepped back. Ryan went to the fridge and pulled out a jug of orange juice. He poured a glass and chugged it, grinning as Shane laughed. “Okay that’s supposed to work. It usually works.”</p><p>Ryan took care of the orange juice and started making his tea, very aware that Shane was right beside him, ready to grope him at a moment’s notice.</p><p>“This is taking forever,” Shane groused.</p><p>“Oh shut up; it’s been ten seconds.” Ryan moved around Shane to grab the coffee pot that always seemed to have hot water in it and stopped suddenly. He grabbed Shane’s hand and pressed it low against his stomach. “There.”</p><p>Shane waited for a moment and a small bump hit his hand. “Hi,” he exclaimed in a whisper. “Hey! I’m your pop.” She thumped against his hand again before stopping moving altogether. “Wow.” Shane’s voice was reverent.</p><p>“Yeah; it only took her a week and a half to cooperate with you.”</p><p>Shane leaned in and kissed Ryan. “I don’t mind.” He wrapped one of his arms around Ryan, pulling him into a hug. The other hand moved down to press against the bump again, hoping for some sort of nudge. It didn’t come, but Shane didn’t mind. He’d finally felt it— he’d finally felt her kick.</p><p>The break room door opened and Ryan went to move back but Shane held him in place. They were just hugging. Shane was absolutely not using Ryan’s shoulder to hide how emotional he was getting.</p><p>“Am I interrupting here?” Kelsey Impicciche teased as she walked in the door.</p><p>Shane stepped back and leaned against the counter. Ryan glared at him, the glare not nearly as heated as he’d wanted it to be. “No, not at all.” Shane thumbed at the tears on his own cheek.</p><p>“Shane’s got feelings; don’t let him fool you,” Ryan said.</p><p>“Shut the hell up,” Shane said, his voice wavering with laughter. “I just felt my daughter kick for the first time. Sue me.”</p><p>Kelsey’s gaze softened, finally zeroing in on Ryan’s stomach. “Oh congratulations! And it’s a girl? I thought that was just a rumor going around. Oh my god how exciting!”</p><p>Ryan tightened his shirt around his waist. “That’s all baby, baby. We’re getting a sonogram this afternoon but at our last appointment, the doctor said it looks like a girl.” He let go of his shirt and turned around, pouring the hot water over the tea bag.</p><p>Kelsey’s grin widened. “How’s Sara feel about all this? Is she excited?”</p><p>Shane nodded and Ryan spoke up. “Sara’s the one who bullied Shane into admitting he wanted kids in the first place.”</p><p>“Well what good relationship doesn’t have a little bullying?” Shane asked.</p><p>Kelsey raised her eyebrows suggestively. “Well you two have plenty of that, don’t you?” she asked.</p><p>“Oh no, we’re not— I’m just surrogating,” Ryan explained. “He’s not… We’re not a couple.”</p><p>“Throuple?” Shane offered.</p><p>“Please don’t call it that,” Ryan said, staring deadpan at Shane. “Anyway, yeah. Baby’s real. Feel free to pass on the word so I don’t have to.” He stirred his tea. “How long am I supposed to seep this for again?”</p><p>“Couple minutes,” Shane said, shrugging.</p><p>Ryan stared at the tea and took a sip, grimacing. “That’s weak.” He dipped the teabag back in the water and leaned against the counter again.</p><p>Kelsey reached past Shane to the box on the counter. “I’m actually just here for a donut,” she said. “But Ryan, if you’re into teas, I read about this pregnancy tea that’s supposed to be super beneficial— raspberry leaf or something? And there are some herbal teas that are supposed to be good for nausea. I saw you run through to the bathroom this morning.”</p><p>Ryan nodded, taking another sip of his tea. “I’ll look into it. Thanks.”</p><p>Kelsey smiled at them again and walked out of the break room. Shane was up against Ryan the second the door fell closed again.</p><p>“People are gonna think we’re in here boning, you know.” Ryan said and Shane grinned.</p><p>“I’m pretty sure people have been thinking we’ve been boning for years already.”</p><p>“Yeah but we can’t be boning on company time, can we?” Ryan finally finished seeping his tea and tossed the tea bag in the garbage. “Not that I’m opposed, of course. I just feel like Buzzfeed would one— really hate it and two— they probably have cameras stashed in here just in case.” Ryan took a sip of the tea and he sighed. “I really miss coffee,” he pouted.</p><p>“Just four more months,” Shane said. “You’re what— twenty weeks and two days? That’s over halfway there.” He began to hum <em>Living on a Prayer</em> and Ryan rolled his eyes, grabbing the mug of tea.</p><p>“Didn’t you come in here to look for breakfast? Or was that just a ruse to pin me against the counter?”</p><p>Shane pressed against Ryan again and Ryan stifled a moan. “Can’t it be some of both? Little of column A, little of column B.” Shane reached past Ryan and grabbed a donut, shoving it into his mouth and leaning back.</p><p>“I hate you so much.” Ryan grabbed his tea and ducked under Shane’s arms, walking back to his desk. Shane followed him with a donut and his own cup of coffee. Ryan opened the chat on his computer with Shane and typed out a message. <em>Can I kiss you later just to taste coffee again?</em></p><p>Shane replied almost instantly. <em>You can kiss me <span class="u">anytime</span>.</em> His face didn’t move, didn’t flush, didn’t once betray what he was thinking. Ryan’s cheeks turned pink right up to his ears.</p><p>Shane pulled on his headphones and stared at his computer, completely aware of Ryan watching him. He looked up and caught Ryan’s gaze and smirked before sipping his coffee and going back to work. Ryan refused to look up for the rest of the morning.</p><p>By noon, he was surrounded with his research. He had articles printed out, highlighters lost under piles of papers. Post-it notes were haphazardly stuck everywhere, details jotted down on them. Sara’s hand on his shoulder startled him out of his work headspace. He wasn’t sure he blinked at all in the last three hours.</p><p>Shane looked at Ryan and threw a ball of paper at his face. “Hey, we’ve gotta go talk to Katie. You want to go?” He stood up and wandered over to look at Ryan’s research.</p><p>Ryan looked at the pile of papers all around him and just stared. “Uhm… Give me five?” He looked sheepishly up at Shane. “Sorry.”</p><p>Shane ruffled his hair. “No worries.”</p><p>Shane was picking up his things and Ryan was sorting through papers and notes and trying to figure out what went where… he should have started this twenty minutes ago. Ryan just gathered everything into a pile and shoved it into a folder. “I’ll go through it later.” He shoved things in his bag haphazardly, only slowing down to put the sonogram photo in carefully. “Alright, I’m ready. Let’s go talk to Katie.”</p><p>“I emailed her and she’s waiting for us in Ghoul HQ, so let’s head there. When we’re done there, we’ll swing back down, grab our things, and meet Sara at the car.” They walked into the elevator and leaned against the railings. Ryan felt himself want to move closer to Shane, always closer to Shane, but he stayed on his side.</p><p>“You think it’s going to go well? Like… do you think she’ll be angry? We kinda screwed up the next half a year of filming.”</p><p>“I’m sure Katie’s not going to be angry. If she is, just cry.”</p><p>Ryan laughed. “I’m not going to make Katie feel guilty by crying dude. Well… maybe. We’ll see.” The elevator opened and he waited for Shane to step out before following him. The door to Ghoul HQ was propped open and Katie was inside with TJ. TJ was messing with his lighting rigs yet again. Katie was leaning against the wall, waiting for Shane and Ryan to show up. The boys walked in and sat in their desk chairs.</p><p>“Hey. You guys needed to talk to me?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah,” Ryan said. “We’re gonna have to reschedule some things in the next few months. Call a few of the June and July locations at least and see if we can reschedule.”</p><p>Katie looked at them, frowning. TJ had a small smile on his face. “Why?”</p><p>“We’re gonna be on paternity leave starting around mid June,” Shane said. “So we’re going to need to reschedule for at least two months.”</p><p>Ryan was chewing on his lip, waiting for Katie’s reaction. She just sighed. “Okay, I’ll take a look at our schedule and see what needs to be moved. June?” Ryan nodded. “That only gives us four and a half months to pre-record at most.” Katie pulled out her phone and started typing in her notes. “Okay, so right now it only looks like we’ll have to move one, maybe two locations if we start rescheduling in mid-June.” She glanced up to where Ryan was mindlessly stroking his stomach. “But are you really going to want to go to haunted locations once you start your third trimester?”</p><p>Ryan shrugged. “I guess we’ll play it by ear? We can move some of them earlier if the locations will let us. I can start calling them tomorrow.”</p><p>“Today would be better,” she said.</p><p>“Can’t,” Shane interjected. “Ryan’s got a doctor’s appointment and we’re both going.”</p><p>“I can— I’ll come back after and I’ll start calling around,” Ryan said. “I’ll get it done.” Suddenly Ryan wasn’t feeling so excited. He hadn’t thought about not being able to film in his third trimester. That was only… seven weeks or so from now. His face must’ve fallen because Katie’s face softened.</p><p>“Hey, we’ll figure it out.” Katie shoved her phone back in her pocket. “Congratulations. I’m happy for you.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Ryan mumbled. He was starting to plan a list in his head. Things he needed to be doing. He’d been far too lax in the last month since he’d found out. He’d have to double down and get more work done in the little time he had left before the baby came.</p><p>“Thanks, Katie,” Shane said. “Sorry for springing this on you in the middle of the day but we figured you’d better hear it from us since our whole floor knows now. It was only a matter of time before they got to you.”</p><p>“And we’re leaving right after this, so it was really the best time.” Ryan started tapping the table with his fingers and jiggling his foot. Fuck there was so much to do. Shane pressed his knee to Ryan’s and Ryan stopped bouncing. “Sorry,” he said under his breath.</p><p>“Okay, what— when’s your appointment today?”</p><p>“We didn’t take lunch today to do more work. We planned on not coming back after the appointment. It’s supposed to start at 1:00. It’s a checkup and a sonogram appointment. It’ll be at least an hour, plus lunch. We can maybe be back here for 2:45, 3:00?” Shane said.</p><p>“No, if you took the rest of the day off, take the rest of it off, but we’ll need to start first thing in the morning.”</p><p>Ryan shook his head. “I’ll be here.” He stood up. “We have to go.” He walked out of the room and took off down to the elevator. He felt like Katie was upset or disappointed. Shane strode down the hallway after him and caught him just as he was walking in the elevator.</p><p>“Hey, what’s going on? What was that all about?”</p><p>Katie was watching them from the doorway.</p><p>Ryan crossed his arms across himself and pushed himself in the corner of the elevator. “Nothing. I just have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. I didn’t even think of not being able to film in my third trimester which— spoiler alert— is only in about seven weeks, or all the rescheduling we would have to do. Like, I thought about it but I didn’t <em>think</em> about it. And now Katie’s upset and she’s going—”</p><p>Shane leaned down and kissed him as the elevator closed. “Stop. You’re spiraling. We’re alright, we can handle the rescheduling. And if you don’t want to film after a certain point, we can find something else to do for supernatural, or instead of supernatural, okay? Or we can just cancel a few episodes. The fans will be upset but you’re more important.” Shane stepped away from Ryan just before the elevator doors opened. “I’ll bring the phone numbers home and I can start calling the proprietors.”</p><p>Ryan shook his head and stepped out, walking over to pull his bag on his shoulder. “I’m just going to do it. I’ve got—” He shook his head. “Never mind.” <em>I’ve got to prove my worth somehow.</em></p><p>“Ry, c’mon what’s wrong?”</p><p>“I don’t— Katie didn’t seem excited at all. I don’t know. It just…” Ryan shrugged his shoulders, closing himself off. “I don’t know.” Ryan pulled the jacket off his chair and held it in his arms. Ryan put his head down and walked to the car, not waiting for Shane until he got to the car and it was still locked.</p><p>“Sara’s got the keys,” Shane said, coming up behind him. “She was supposed to meet us out here but you kinda bolted from that meeting.”</p><p>“I was excited to tell her. And she kinda killed it,” Ryan said, sitting on the pavement. He put his face in his hands and sighed. “Now all I can think of is all the things I have to do and how there’s no time to do them and how I don’t <em>really</em> need paternity leave because there’s so much to do here with the shows and everything. And I know we have a crew now but I still have to do research and scripting and then I’ll have to start finding properties for next season. Plus there’s all the stuff I have to do for true crime.”</p><p>Shane crouched down beside Ryan and eventually sank to the ground. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “You deserve a break.”</p><p>“But I can’t have one! That’s the whole problem.” The locks shifted in the door behind Ryan’s head and he stood up, pulling the door open and sinking into the back seat. He pulled out his notes and research and started reading and underlining important information. He leaned against the door, stretched his legs out across the back seat and completely blocked out Shane and Sara’s attempts at conversation. It took Shane shaking his leg to break him out of his focus. “What?”</p><p>“We’re here,” Shane said.</p><p>Ryan looked around and saw the doctor’s office parking lot. He shuffled his papers into a pile and put them back in his folder.</p><p>“Can you…?” Shane rubbed at his neck. “Do you think you can cheer up for this?” Shane’s shoulders were tense and he looked upset.</p><p>Ryan’s body slumped. He hadn’t even thought about how he was making Shane and Sara feel. “Oh shit. No, dude, I’m excited. I promise. Really.” He nudged Shane with his shoulder. “Did you tell Sara you finally got to feel her?”</p><p>“You <em>what?</em> That’s no fair!” Sara fake pouted and crossed her arms.</p><p>Ryan’s face broke into a genuine smile and he laughed. “Get me an ice cold orange juice and you too can feel our baby kick.”</p><p>Sara quirked her eyebrow in confusion and Shane laughed. “It worked this morning. He drank some orange juice from the fridge at work and she started rolling around in there. That’s how I finally got to feel her.”</p><p>“Ryan, I’m gonna need you to chug some water,” Sara said seriously. “I need to feel that baby.” Sara leaned back into the car to root through her lunch bag. “Wait I have some water.” She tossed the bottle to Ryan. “Drink up darling and get that baby moving.”</p><p>Ryan rolled his eyes but chugged the bottle of water. He spilled some water and Shane laughed at him as the drops soaked into the belly of his shirt.</p><p>“Sexy,” he teased, waggling his eyebrows at Ryan.</p><p>“Shut up,” Ryan shot back. He wiped the drop of water off his lip. They walked in the waiting room and Ryan gave his information to the receptionist, Sara and Shane hovering behind him.</p><p>Katharine met him at the door almost immediately. “Ryan?” Ryan nodded and the nurse smiled, waving him back. “We’re going to do everything in room five this time. We’ll just get your weight and you can head on in.”</p><p>Ryan stared at the weights as Katharine adjusted them. Okay she was moving that a lot. She shifted the smallest weight back to zero and moved the larger weight up a notch. Ryan’s hands tensed at his sides. No, this was good. This meant he was gaining weight which was good for the baby.</p><p>Katharine scribbled down his weight on a post it note and handed him a urine sample cup. “Fill this and put it behind the door on the wall." She motioned to room five. “We’ll meet right in here.”</p><p>Ryan went to the bathroom. He hated giving urine samples. He always seemed to get pee on his hands somehow. Which, like… wasn’t the end of the world since he washed his hands but it always made him feel young and stupid, like he was a child peeing on himself. He walked into the exam room and hopped up on the bed-table thing.</p><p>“How are you doing today?” She asked, washing her hands at the sink.</p><p>“Good,” Ryan said.</p><p>“Good! Any issues you want to talk to the doctor about?”</p><p>Ryan shook his head. There wasn’t anything he could think of. He should make a list any time he thinks of them.</p><p>“Alright, I’ll just take your blood pressure and temp and the doctor will be right in,” Katharine said with a smile. She put the blood pressure cuff around Ryan’s arm and eased the stethoscope in her ears. The room was quiet. Shane and Sara were watching quietly, Sara sitting in the chair with Shane hovering beside her. Katharine scanned his forehead and wrote the temperature on her post it note and walked to the door. “The doctor will be in in a minute.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Ryan said with a smile. He reached his hand out to Sara and yanked her close.</p><p>“Hey!”</p><p>“She’s kicking. Get over here.”</p><p>Sara jumped to her feet, all complains lost. “Gimme that baby!” Her hands were on Ryan’s stomach in an instant, searching for any movement. “I swear, sweetheart, you’d better fucking—” The baby kicked against her hand and she went silent. “Oh my god, that’s so weird,” she whispered in awe. “What’s it feel like?”</p><p>Ryan looked down at Sara’s face, at the love and awe and veneration that was painted all over her face. “Kicks feel kinda like someone’s poking me from the inside. But when she’s just moving and rolling, it feels like butterflies in my stomach. Kinda like… first love butterflies— when you realize you’re in love with someone and then they smile at you? That feeling but… more.”</p><p>“Pretty apt, I’d think considering you’re her first love,” Sara said. “You know, a mother is her child’s first love and all? Very cis-normative but it makes sense considering you’re literally… you’re using your body and your love to help her grow. That’s so fucking cool.”</p><p>“You almost sound like you want to try,” Ryan teased.</p><p>Sara looked deadpan up at him. “Absolutely not. No thank you. I’ll let you do the baby making. It looks good on you.”</p><p>Ryan’s cheeks flushed pink and he looked away from Shane and Sara. They didn’t need to see him blush. “I’ll do it,” he said. “Add it to my friendship job description: tell Shane he’s way too fucking tall, make jokes at Shane’s expense, screaming at ghosts, baby making.”</p><p>Shane laughed and set his hand on Ryan’s belly alongside Sara’s and Ryan preened under the attention. There was a knock on the door and Shane leaned back to give Ryan space to see the doctor but Sara didn’t move.</p><p>Dr Campbell walked in and smiled. “Hi all. How are we doing today? Baby moving?”</p><p>Ryan looked down at Sara and laughed. “Yeah it’s their first time feeling her. For the last— what two weeks?— she’s refused to move when they’re around.”</p><p>“Yeah, babies will do that. My children were the same way.” The doctor sat on the rolling stool and pulled it over to sit in front of Ryan. “So I’m going to check your cervix today. Usually we don’t do it until you’re farther along but since you’ve already had one miscarriage, I want to ensure your cervix is still closed. I’d also like to do a pap smear. We should have done it earlier in your pregnancy but circumstances being what they were, we’ll have to do it today. I’d rather not wait until your next appointment.”</p><p>Ryan nodded and Sara stood up, moving to Ryan’s side.</p><p>“Do any of you have any questions?” They all shook their heads and Dr Campbell nodded. “Let me get you a gown and a sheet and you can get changed, underwear off. And then when all that is done, we’ll do your sonogram and get to see the baby.” He pulled a gown and a sheet out of the cupboard and handed them to Ryan. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”</p><p>The doctor left the room and Shane was on Ryan in an instant, pulling his shirt off his head. He was kissing Ryan’s skin as it appeared. “You’re so hot,” he mumbled against Ryan’s collarbone.</p><p>“You really can’t control yourself, can you? You have no control at all.”</p><p>“Not when it comes to you, I don’t.”</p><p>Ryan flushed and pushed Shane back, pulling the curtain closed behind him. “You can stay banished until I’m changed.” He peeked around the curtain to look at Shane smirking. “And adjust yourself. The doctor will be back in soon.”</p><p>Ryan turned back in to get changed. Sara handed him the gown and folded Ryan’s clothes as he handed them to her. “Do you need to take your bra off?” she asked.</p><p>Ryan bit his lip and stared down at his chest. “He didn’t say but I’m— yeah probably.” Ryan unclasped the bra and pulled it off. He looked down at his chest. “You know, I’m pretty sure that bra makes my boobs look bigger more than it flattens them down.”</p><p>“Well Sara and I don’t mind,” Shane said from outside the curtain.</p><p>Ryan snorted. “Yeah because you’re a boob man.”</p><p>Shane fake gasped. “I am not! I’m just a man who knows what he likes. And I like you and I like Sara.”</p><p>“Kind of an odd type,” Sara said, nudging Ryan. She tied the gown for him and handed him the sheet once he crawled up on the exam table. “This is reminding me I should probably schedule an appointment for my own pap smear.”</p><p>“Yeah, I can carry your baby but your own cervical health is all on you,” Ryan said, leaning back. He adjusted the pillow under his head and winced as his back twinged. His back was curved awkwardly but he couldn’t be bothered to pull the foot rest out to change that. He leaned over and yanked the curtain open. “You’re allowed back.”</p><p>“I apologize for my indecency,” Shane said, taking Ryan’s hand in his and kissing it dramatically. “My most sincere apologies.”</p><p>Ryan giggled and Sara just rolled her eyes. “You know it’s hard to believe it’s a sincere apology when you’re being such a goof about it.”</p><p>“I said it was sincere though!” Shane argued.</p><p>Ryan was about to open his mouth but there was a knock on the door.</p><p>“You ready?” Dr Campbell asked through the door.</p><p>“Yeah,” Ryan called. “We’ll talk about your insincerity of apologies later.” It was an empty threat and all three of them knew it.</p><p>Dr Campbell walked in with Katharine right behind him. “Alright, Ryan. Your urine sample came back normal so we’re going to go straight to the pap smear and get that over with. We’re going to put your feet in the stirrups. Katharine is just here for the pap smear. She’ll be handing me things and taking them and then she’ll leave.” He pulled out the stirrups and extended them. He asked Ryan to move and Ryan shifted but beyond listening to commands, he was blocking out the appointment. He turned away from Dr Campbell and Katharine and stared at Shane.</p><p>Shane reached out and held his hand.</p><p>“Alright, that’s done. Now I’m just going to check your cervix. It’ll be uncomfortable but there shouldn’t be any pain. Tell me if there is.”</p><p>Ryan bit his lip and nodded and squeezed Shane’s hand. He didn’t necessarily have a problem with his vagina. There was a sheet draped over his legs so the doctor wasn’t really getting a view of everything beyond a glance to make sure he was actually touching the vagina. But he’d really rather the doctor not have to check him. He’d just have to get used to it though; it would only get more common from here on out.</p><p>The doctor stepped back and pulled off his glove, easing Ryan’s feet out of the stirrups. He helped him sit up and handed him a sanitary wipe. “Here, for cleanup.” Ryan reached beneath the sheet and cleaned himself up. Shane held out his hand and took the wipe, throwing it in the garbage. “Do you give yourself breast exams monthly?”</p><p>“Not monthly,” Ryan admitted, “but not infrequently.”</p><p>“Ideally you should be doing it monthly,” Dr Campbell said, “but I’ll take not infrequently.”</p><p>“I did it a lot more when I was wearing my binders. I haven’t worn mine in… four months maybe?”</p><p>The doctor nodded and pulled the sonogram cart out of its closet nook. He pulled out the sonogram wand and squirted lube onto the end. “Ready for the sonogram?”</p><p>Ryan nodded excitedly. He knew she was alive, at least. Now he needed proof that she was growing well too. Based on the way his stomach was growing, she was too, but seeing her made it that much more… real.</p><p>Dr Campbell adjusted the sheet, pulling it down to Ryan’s waist, and he hiked the gown up above Ryan’s stomach. “Actually…” He put the sonogram wand back in its holder, balancing so the lube didn’t touch anything. “I’m going to measure the baby like I will at the rest of your appointments just so you can see what it’s like and then we’ll do the sonogram.”</p><p>“Experiencing lots of new things today, huh Ry?” Shane smirked from his seat. He’d moved it closer to the exam table and he was still holding Ryan’s hand.</p><p>Ryan rolled his eyes at him, the look softened by the excited smile that wouldn’t leave Ryan’s face. “Shut up or I’ll close the curtain on you again.”</p><p>Shane leaned in and kissed Ryan’s hand again. “Apologies, my liege.”</p><p>“I’m going to beat you,” Ryan said.</p><p>Sara laughed at their antics and turned to the doctor. “He’s joking. If he was actually going to beat Shane it would have been in the last five years of them working together.”</p><p>“Yeah I would’ve pushed him down the stairs in a haunted house or something, said a ghost did it.”</p><p>“On camera? Ry… I thought you were better than that.”</p><p>“I’d shut them off first.”</p><p>Dr Campbell walked over to Ryan with what looked like a fabric measuring tape. “I’m going to measure the baby’s size with this. I put one end at your pelvic bone and the other up at the top of your uterus. At twenty weeks, you should measure between seventeen and twenty-three centimeters or so.” He set the measuring tape in place and stretched it up to just above Ryan’s belly button. “She’s still measuring big,” he said.</p><p>Ryan looked over to Shane and raised his eyebrow. “I blame you for this.”</p><p>“But she’s healthy!” Shane singsonged.</p><p>“Not healthy for my vagina,” Ryan mumbled.</p><p>The doctor threw the measuring tape in the garbage and grabbed the sonogram wand. “So this is your anomaly scan. I’ll be measuring to make sure things are all developed right, we’ll double check the sex just to make sure we got it right the first time and we’ll hopefully get some good photos to send home with you.”</p><p>He spread the lube across Ryan’s stomach and Ryan tensed under how cold it was.</p><p>Dr Campbell laughed. “Sorry. It must’ve cooled down.” He spread the lube down across Ryan’s stomach and the baby shakily appeared on the tv screen. Dr Campbell typed something on the keyboard and the sound of the baby’s heartbeat whooshed through the speakers. Her heart was beating strong and Ryan sighed and relaxed into the pillow.</p><p>She was okay. She was moving.</p><p>A loud thump sounded through the speakers, startling Ryan and the doctor chuckled. “She’s kicking at the wand.”</p><p>“It’s rough being on camera,” Shane said in mock serious contemplation.</p><p>Sara snorted at him and Ryan rolled his eyes, prompting Shane to break into a wide grin. “It’s only rough for you because you can’t fit in the frame,” Sara said.</p><p>Ryan’s laugh made the ultrasound wand slide off his stomach. “Sorry,” he said to the doctor when he readjusted its position.</p><p>“Don’t worry about it,” he replied. “I’d much rather a happy, laughing group like this. Some couples come in here and are downright nasty to each other.” He kept measuring and taking pictures and writing things that Ryan didn’t really understand but watched intently anyway.</p><p>Shane held Ryan’s hand the whole time while Sara had gently placed her hand on his shoulder. They all just stared at the tv screen and watched the baby stretch and squirm. Ryan could feel her moving a lot more right now than usual. Maybe it was just because he could see her moving— a placebo effect of sorts.</p><p>“Alright, now for the stuff you’re here for,” Dr Campbell said jokingly. “Here she is.” He scrolled the view out and caught an entire view of the baby’s body. She actually looked human now.</p><p>“She grew into her head,” Ryan commented. “Maybe she’ll have my normal sized head after all.”</p><p>“Still has that nose though,” Shane shot back. “She’s stuck with that.”</p><p>“She’s so long,” Sara added.</p><p>Dr Campbell nodded. “She’s still measuring pretty long. She’ll probably be somewhere around… seven pounds, just based on how she’s growing right now.” The baby moved and shoved her fingers in her mouth. “She’s sucking on her fingers.”</p><p>Ryan hummed with a soft smile. “She did that last time too.”</p><p>“That’s good; it means she’s developing healthily. If you noticed, she opened her mouth before she got her thumb all the way to her face. It means she can anticipate touch.” He moved the wand, gliding it across Ryan’s stomach to the other side. The baby shifted her legs and kicked at the wand. “Stop that. I’m just trying to see if you’re a boy or— There we go. Definitely a girl,” he confirmed at last. He paused the screen just before she moved to kick at the wand again. “Those lines there are the labia. If the baby were a boy, you’d see the distinct shape of the penis.”</p><p>Ryan pursed his lips, trying to hold in a joke. Shane caught his face and smirked at him, his eyes shining. He knew exactly what Ryan was thinking. <em>Where’s the distinct line of my penis…?</em></p><p>Dr Campbell typed out a caption across the picture— <em>It’s a girl!</em>— and scrolled back to the profile view of her face again. He saved it and captioned that one too— <em>Daddy’s head? Let’s hope!</em></p><p>Sara burst out laughing. “I love that. Can we add a quip about Shane’s nose?”</p><p>Dr Campbell snickered to himself and backspaced the caption, retyping over it. <em>Daddy’s head but Pop’s nose :(</em> “How’s that?”</p><p>Shane shook his head, laughing. “Unbelievable.”</p><p>“It’s perfect,” Sara corrected Shane.</p><p>Shane sniffled like he was crying and Ryan quizzed his hand. “Aw, you know we love your nose. Even if it is just because of how it shades us from the sun.”</p><p>The doctor shook his head, laughing and moved the wand. The baby rolled around and shuffled out of place. “I’ve got everything I need, but I’d like to try and get you a few more photos.” He shifted around and turned on the 3D view. He got a view of the baby face on and Ryan couldn’t help but stare. She’d moved her thumb away from her face and they had a perfect view. He was in love with her little face already. “There’s a good one.” He shifted again, turned back to 2D and caught a picture of her hands tangled in front of her.</p><p>Ryan wanted him to go back to her face. He just wanted to see her face again.</p><p>Dr Campbell removed the wand from Ryan’s stomach and wiped it clean before handing Ryan his own towel to clean off. “We’re all done for today,” he said. He tore off the sonogram pictures from the printing reel and handed them to Ryan.</p><p>Ryan carefully folded the pictures so he could stare at her face. “That’s the Madej nose for sure,” he said, voice thick with tears.</p><p>The doctor gave him a second to stare as he cleaned up the sonogram equipment. “I’ll see you back here in a month.” He pat Ryan’s knee. “She’s looking just fine. I’m not worried about her at all.”</p><p>Ryan looked up at the doctor. “Yeah?”</p><p>“She’s growing perfectly. She’s measuring well. She’s moving, reacting. She’s doing great.”</p><p>Ryan nodded and looked back down at the sonogram photo. “Good.”</p><p>Dr Campbell walked to the door and opened it. “See you in a month.”</p><p>The door closed and Ryan let the tears fall from his eyes. “I was so worried about her,” he admitted. “Even feeling her moving around and everything, I— I just worry about her. I want her to be okay, to be safe.”</p><p>“She’s growing like a weed, Ry. You’re doing amazing.”</p><p>Ryan hurried getting dressed so he could just sit and stare at the sonogram photo. She was so beautiful even now; Ryan couldn’t wait for her to start gaining weight. He was sure she’d have chubby cheeks and soft eyes and he couldn’t wait to see. It looked like she was going to have Ryan’s eye shape right now. Not that Ryan minded but he wished she’d look just like Shane— except for the big head.</p><p>Ryan cradled the photo strip to his chest as they walked out to the reception desk. “One month,” he said, looking back down at the photos. God, she was so pretty. He made that.</p><p>“Same time?” the receptionist asked and Ryan nodded.</p><p>“Yes please.”</p><p>She handed Ryan his card and printed off his appointment notes, handing those to him as well. “Have a great day.”</p><p>Ryan looked up, finally really acknowledging her. His eyes were bright, his smile was wide and genuine. “Thanks, you too.”</p><p>Shane’s hand pressed against his back as they walked to the car. “You’re in a much better mood.”</p><p>“Just look at her,” Ryan said reverently. “She’s already the cutest baby I’ve ever seen.”</p><p>“I’m sure your fan base would agree with you,” Sara said with a laugh. “Whether it’s true or not.” She unlocked the car doors and slid into the driver’s seat. “Speaking of, do you plan on telling them explicitly or do you just want them to see you in a video somewhere and have them be like ‘damn Ryan got thick!’?”</p><p>Ryan half turns, trying to get a look at his own ass. “Did I get thick?”</p><p>Shane grabs his ass with both hands and Ryan jumps, turning around to slap at Shane’s chest. Shane’s laugh rumbles against Ryan’s hand. “Yeah a little bit.”</p><p>“At least my ass isn’t in my personality,” Ryan grumbles. He crawled in the back seat and sprawled back out, pushing his papers back into the book bag. “I don’t want to go back to work. I’ll call Katie and tell her.”</p><p>“Nah,” Shane said, “I already told her you weren’t coming back. You’d be useless if you did. We both would. We’d be taking turns staring at that sonogram.”</p><p>“I also wouldn’t be working,” Sara said. “I’d be up with you guys also just staring. I’ll be going back though. I’ve got a video I need to finish editing for upload tomorrow.” She grimaced. “But I’d love to hear what you two get up to while you’re alone.” She turned and winked at Ryan.</p><p>Ryan stared back down at the photo. “Hey can we go straight home instead of doing lunch? If you’re going back to the office, I have something I want to do first.”</p><p>“Lunchtime quickie?” Sara asked. “I’m down.”</p><p>Ryan laughed but shook his head. “No. I’ve been— I’ve been doing video updates every week and I— I want you guys to be in them now. Not that I didn’t before, but I just— it feels wrong doing them without you.”</p><p>They rushed home after that, both Sara and Shane excited to be a part of the vlogs. Obi met them at the door, excited that they were all home early. Ryan picked him up and cradled him to his chest.</p><p>“It’s gonna be a Benadryl and sleep kinda night,” he mumbled, accepting his fate. He dropped onto the couch and pulled his laptop out of his book bag. He scrolled through to his pregnancy tracking website and pulled it up, reiterating the information in his own mind. “I just like to make sure I’ve got the facts all right before I start talking. I’m not— I don’t script it or anything.”</p><p>Sara and Shane sat on either side of him and Obi crawled over to Shane’s lap. “So how’re we doing this?”</p><p>“Ryan grabbed his phone and opened the camera, turning it to face them. “I usually just kinda lay out the information like what’s happening this week as far as development and then I talk about feelings and what the three of us are doing and all that.”</p><p>Shane leaned in over Ryan’s shoulder. “You do one of these every week?”</p><p>Ryan blushed, Shane’s breath tickling his neck. “Well, there was a lull from week ten to sixteen but other than that, yeah. I did one the day I miscarried and mostly journaled instead of vlogged my feelings. And then Christmas Eve was when I did the next one— right after we all found out— I did it that night after dinner at mom’s. But I just… say things I want her to maybe hear some day and then I’ll edit it some time. I’ve got most of them edited so far.”</p><p>“I’m ready when you two are,” Sara said, curling in to Ryan’s side. “Work can wait.”</p><p>Ryan set the camera to record. “It’s week twenty and we just got home from the doctor’s. We’re halfway there to meeting you and we’re all so excited. We got to see your face today.” Ryan reached down and grabbed the sonogram photo from on his laptop keyboard and held it in front of their faces to the camera. “You’re already so beautiful. I invited mom and pop— Jesus that sounds goofy,” he said, turning to Shane shaking his head. “I invited them to talk with me today if they want to.”</p><p>“I want to,” Shane said.</p><p>“Well wait, I have to share the developmental stuff quick, knock it off.” Ryan smacked Shane’s leg and Sara and Shane both smiled at him. “So, this week you’re as long as a banana and weigh somewhere around ten or eleven ounces. You’re swallowing and sucking on your fingers— we’ve seen you do that in both ultrasounds so far— and you’re producing meconium which is your first poop. So pop’s gonna have to change a diaper you’ve been working on for twenty weeks.” Ryan turned to Shane with a smirk on his face.</p><p>“Your dad’s cooking you so it’s the least I can do.”</p><p>“I’m on emotional support team,” Sara said. “And if dad can’t handle breastfeeding, first feeding too.”</p><p>Ryan looked back to the camera. “On top of all the growing you’re doing, I have to catch up. I lost weight while I was pregnant so I have to gain that back on top of the ten pounds of weight you’ve added to me. But I’ll do it to keep you safe and healthy,” he said.</p><p>Shane looked at Sara and Ryan. “We have to start coming up with names now. Now that we know she’s a girl.”</p><p>“Well, let’s start with a last name first,” Ryan said.</p><p>“Then what if we open it up to comments on your announcement video? I’m sure someone will have decent names in there.” Sara looked across Ryan at Shane. “Think the unsolved fans can come up with good ones?”</p><p>Shane looked at Ryan. “Not a fan of Berbindej? Madbingara?”</p><p>Sara laughed. “I figured we’d just stick with Madej or Bergara.”</p><p>“Madej then,” Ryan said. “If you’re taking Rubin out of the running.”</p><p>“Could still combine the three. Rubindegara.”</p><p>“Kinda sounds like rutabaga,” Sara said, wrinkling her nose. “Okay so open the unsolved comments for names for Baby Madej.”</p><p>Ryan’s nose wrinkled that time. “I don’t know if I like the idea of putting our announcement video on Buzzfeed’s channels. That’s basically monetizing our daughter for a company who doesn’t give two shits about any of us, <em>except</em> the amount of money we bring in.”</p><p>Shane nodded and looked at the camera with a goofy look on his face. “We’ll figure it out, baby. We’ve got twenty weeks. And while we can’t wait to see you, we’ll gladly wait four more months. Baby Berdejbin,” he tried one more time and Ryan shut off the video, laughing.</p><p>“It’s Madej and that’s final,” Sara said. “Stop workshopping the last name.”</p><p>“I just feel like we’ve all contributed so much, why should I get the credit? Plus none of this would happen if it weren’t for Ryan.”</p><p>“I’m just gestating here, man,” Ryan said, tossing his phone. Obi crawled back on his lap and curled around his stomach. He chittered in surprise when the baby kicked out at him and ran off to stare from the recliner.</p><p>“I think now might be the time to tell Obi he’s going to have to share the attention in a few months,” Sara said. “Sorry buddy you’re not the only baby in the house much longer.”</p><p>Ryan, Shane, and Sara’s phones all began to buzz nonstop as they stared down at the sonogram photo. They each pulled out their phone and looked at the screen, watching the text notifications roll in.</p><p>“Well…” Shane said. “Looks like the grapevine grew during lunch time.” He looked to Sara. “Have fun at work babe. Don’t forget to eat.”</p><p>Sara shot him a glare as she kissed Ryan’s cheek and stood up. She flipped Shane the middle finger, sticking her tongue out at him. “You guys suck.”</p><p>“Yeah, but you love us!” Shane called as Ryan laughed.</p><p>Sara sighed, walking to the door. “Yeah, I do. God help me, but I really do.”</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ryan was so tired. 5:30 am was way too early to be waking up and getting ready for the day. He had decided a couple weeks ago that he’d start going to the gym before work. He hadn’t really told Shane and Sara because he’d figured they’d try to talk him out of going. He knew…logically he <em>knew</em> that he didn’t need to go to the gym and he wasn’t really benefiting anyone by doing it but he was watching the numbers on the scale go up so quickly that it made him freak out.</p><p>So Ryan would jog to the gym— well, sort of… it was half walk, half jog— and then he’d work out for an hour, shower, then go to work. He was probably pushing himself harder than he should, but he’d talked to one of the female trainers at the gym that he knew had been pregnant before and she’d given him an altered workout regimen that should be easier than his old workout routine. He’d been working out for a little over two weeks now and he could see small changes in his body if not so much on the scale.</p><p>Ryan knew the number on the scale didn’t matter. In fact, he should be almost ten pounds heavier than he was right now just to get back on track from his pre-pregnancy weight plus the weight the baby added on. But as long as he was gaining, they were okay, right?</p><p>Today, Ryan was just tired. He didn’t want to exercise but it was like something in his brain was forcing him to. He didn’t hate the exercising but running, lifting weights and swimming all before eight in the morning was getting to be too much. But he couldn’t stop working out— he had to quit one of them, but which one? Probably the running, if Ryan was being honest to himself. He could Uber to the gym or something, and dysphoria aside, he enjoyed swimming.</p><p>He was alone in the pool this early and that was best. He didn’t want anyone seeing him nearly naked at 6:30 in the morning let alone almost two-thirds of the way through his pregnancy. The female trainer was nice enough to keep an eye on him and check in every once in a while. Ryan decided he was going to waste his entire hour doing laps in the pool. Screw the weights.</p><p>By the time he’d been swimming for thirty minutes, Ryan was starting to feel nauseated. He swam to the side and leaned over the edge of the pool, resting his forehead against the cool metal of the ladder handrail. The trainer— Allison? Ryan thought her name was— was next to his side immediately.</p><p>“Ryan? You okay?” She was knelt down beside him, her hand gently pressed against his.</p><p>“I think so,” he said, his lungs panting for breath. “I just— I’m really nauseous all of a sudden.”</p><p>Allison waited for him to start breathing a little closet to normal before stepping back. “Why don’t you get out and come lay over here on the bench? Do you have a partner I can call?”</p><p>Ryan’s hands were shaking as he pulled himself up the ladder. “Shane,” he said. “Use my phone and call Shane.” He dropped onto the metal bench and laid on his back, propping his knees up. His head was killing him all of a sudden and his nausea was killer. “He’ll probably answer the phone with some sarcastic quip. Can you turn it on speaker so I can hear it?”</p><p>Allison crouched down beside Ryan— “I’m gonna touch your face, okay?”— and held a hand to his forehead. “You don’t feel like you have a fever at all,” she said, her brow furrowing. She pulled out the phone and held it by Ryan’s hand to get his thumbprint. Shane’s name was near the very bottom of Ryan’s contacts and she scrolled down and pressed call.</p><p>“Ryan, 7 am is far too early for a booty call. I’ll do it but you’ll have to deal with my bed head,” Shane said as way of greeting. Ryan was laying on the bench with his eyes closed but a tired smile on his face.</p><p>“Hey,” Ryan said tiredly. “Can you come get me from the gym? My normal haunt.”</p><p>Ryan could almost hear the confusion on Shane’s face. “Yeah, I’ll be right there. Are you okay?”</p><p>Ryan hummed. “Jury’s out on that one. I’m not hurt or anything but I’m not feeling too hot right now. Allison doesn’t think so either. Say hi Allison.”</p><p>“Hi Allison,” she said deadpan into the phone mic. “Hi Shane, this is Allison, I’m one of the trainers. Ryan’s not hurt— he wasn’t lying about that —but he was swimming and I’m not sure if he overexerted himself or what, but he’s nauseated and looks ready to drop from exhaustion.”</p><p>Shane was shuffling around, sounding half out of breath. “I’ll be right there,” he said, “just let me wake Sara up. Sara.” He must’ve pulled the phone away after that because his next “Sara” sounded farther away.</p><p>Ryan shifted and felt a wave of nausea roll over him. “Is there a garbage here?”</p><p>Allison looked around and snagged a trash can, pushing it towards Ryan just in time for him to roll over and throw up into it. Allison moved herself down by Ryan’s legs to make sure he didn’t slip off the metal bench.</p><p>“Ry?”</p><p>“Yeah?” Ryan groused, still gagging.</p><p>“I’m on my way, okay?”</p><p>“Okay.” Ryan laid back down and covered his eyes with his arm.</p><p>Allison hung up the phone and set it down on the bench above Ryan. “How are you feeling?”</p><p>Ryan thought about it for a moment. “Have a headache,” he mumbled, “Nauseous, kinda crampy.” He groaned. “I didn’t do anything more than I usually do. I didn’t even do my weights today. I jogged here like I do every day and then when I got here, I grabbed a drink, got changed, got in the pool.”</p><p>“Did you eat?”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “Granola bar, some fruit, yogurt. Same as most days.”</p><p>Allison nodded. “Okay, we’ll wait for your partner to get here and we’ll go from there, okay?”</p><p>Ryan closed his eyes again and winced each time his stomach rolled. The smell of the pool’s chlorine was making things worse. The room was getting hot. When was Shane going to get here? He used the trash can a few more times, thankful at least that whoever had to take it out at least had a bag to handle instead of having to wash it.</p><p>Shane walked into the pool room, looking calm to an outsider but to Ryan his eyes were wild, fraught with worry. He bolted to Ryan and knelt down beside him, pushing the garbage can aside. “Hey, how’re you feeling?”</p><p>“My head hurts, stomach feels kinda crampy.”</p><p>“Do we need to go to the doctor?” Shane’s hand had found his and was stroking it with his thumb.</p><p>Ryan finally opened his eyes and looked over at Shane. His face relaxed a bit, the wince on his face eased. “Hey, you weren’t kidding about that bed head, were you?” He winced again as a pain pulsed through his stomach. “I don’t think so. I just— can we call in sick?”</p><p>Shane nodded. “Yeah, we’ll do that. Do you want me or Sara to stay with you?”</p><p>“Both?” Ryan asked hopefully.</p><p>Shane smiled. “Not sure about that one. One of us has to be the breadwinner.”</p><p>“We don’t eat that much bread,” Ryan said. “Can you grab my towel for me?”</p><p>Allison stood up and grabbed Ryan’s towel and brought it over. “I’m heading back into the gym, alright Ryan? Feel better soon. Lemme know how it goes.”</p><p>Shane took Ryan’s towel and began drying him off carefully. His hands wavered on Ryan’s stomach, silently hoping the baby would kick at him. He pushed gently and the baby was immediately annoyed, hitting against his hand. He breathed a sigh of relief. “You’re alright in there, huh?” He looked at Ryan, tentatively wiping the water from his face and hair. “Have you been drinking? Could this be dehydration?”</p><p>Ryan hummed. “Maybe. I’ve been drinking what I thought was enough.”</p><p>“We’ll try that and try to get you hydrated and cooled down first and if that doesn’t work, we’ll go to the ER, okay? And when we get home, we’ll call your doctor. My place or yours?”</p><p>“Yours?”</p><p>Shane nodded and helped Ryan sit up. Ryan lunged for the garbage can and leaned over it, gagging. He’d slipped off the bench and was squatting on the tile floor. Shane rubbed his back and wrapped the towel around his shoulders.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Ryan groaned. “I’m sorry you had to come get me and sorry you’re missing work.”</p><p>Shane huffed out a chuckle through his nose. “Ry you know I’d leave work any day for you. Today I just didn’t get there first. It’s alright. I’ll call Katie and I’ll work from home. It’s alright. You have nothing to apologize for.”</p><p>Ryan sat back up on the bench, the metal cold against his thighs. “Can you help me get changed? My uh— my stuff is in the women’s locker room.” Ryan looked up at Shane’s face and saw Shane’s frown. “It feels easier when I’m pregnant. Safer, if that makes sense.</p><p>Shane’s frown didn’t ease at all but he nodded. “I’ll talk to the person behind the desk and ask her if she can keep people out. Will you be okay here alone for a minute?”</p><p>Ryan nodded and looked around for his phone, bringing it close so he didn’t forget it while Shane ran off to talk to someone. He didn’t know who but it didn’t really matter. He took the towel and tried to dry himself as well as he could. Shane was at his side before he knew it, startling him.</p><p>“Ready to go?”</p><p>Ryan nodded and stood up, wavering a bit. Shane caught him and helped him steady himself. “Thanks.”</p><p>“Anything,” Shane said, pressing a kiss to Ryan’s temple. His hand steady and strong against Ryan’s spine, holding Ryan up. Shane opened the door a crack to the women’s locker room. “Anyone in here? I’m coming in!” He waited for a response, hearing a woman call ‘I’m in here!’ and he stopped, waiting outside the door.</p><p>“Sorry I didn’t change in the men’s room,” Ryan said, leaning against the wall. “We’d be out of here probably if I did.”</p><p>“My schedule’s been cleared today for you. Take all the time you need.”</p><p>The door opened and a woman came out in her gym clothes. She looked at Ryan, propped up against the wall and smiled sympathetically. “I’m all done.”</p><p>Shane smiled back at her. “Anyone else in there?”</p><p>“I don’t think so,” she answered. She eased past Shane and walked into the gym.</p><p>Shane opened the door a crack. “Anyone else in here?” When no one answered, he opened the door wider. “I’m coming in!” He waited again for a reply and— hearing none— walked in, leading Ryan. “Alright, where’s your stuff?”</p><p>Ryan pointed to an aisle of lockers and walked over to them, fiddling with the lock. He opened it and dropped onto the bench in the middle of the lockers, trying to put his head between his knees.</p><p>Shane took out Ryan’s clothes and shook the wrinkles out, kneeling down beside Ryan. “Hey, you’re really worrying me here. What can I do to help?”</p><p>“Can you get my meds out of my bag? The anti-nausea?”</p><p>Shane grabbed Ryan’s bag from the locker and dug through it, searching for the orange pill bottles. He finally managed to wrap his hand around it and pulled it out, double-checking the label. Shane opened it and pulled out a pill, holding it down in front of Ryan’s mouth.</p><p>Ryan’s tongue darted out and picked it up and it started dissolving immediately. “Thanks,” he whispered.</p><p>The door opened and Shane jolted. “There’s a man in here!” he called.</p><p>“Okay!” the person called back, walking down toward where Shane and Ryan were. She caught one glimpse of Ryan and Shane and backpedalled to the next set of lockers. “I’m changing,” she informed them and quickly changed. “They told me you were in here but I didn’t mind. Sorry for intruding.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” Ryan said, sitting back up. He reached down and tugged at the hem of his swimsuit top. “Can you help?” His body felt so weak right now and he was suddenly exhausted all over.</p><p>Shane carefully pulled on the hem of Ryan’s swimsuit, easing it up over his head. He took the towel and dried Ryan’s arms and chest, wrapping the towel around him. “You want me to get the bottoms off too?” Ryan nodded and shifted his hips so Shane could pull them down and off Ryan’s legs.</p><p>“Sorry,” Ryan mumbled again. “I don’t know what happened. I was feeling pretty okay and then suddenly it hit me in the middle of swimming. I didn’t do anything different,” he said, his voice thick with tears. He held his stomach again. “I stretched before I left home, I drank my water, I sorta half-walked/half-jogged here. I even ate breakfast this morning. The only thing I did different was I didn’t lift weights.”</p><p>“Do you want to go to the ER?” Shane lifted Ryan’s chin to look up at him. “Ry, do you need to go to the doctor’s?”</p><p>“I don’t know!” Ryan’s hands were shaking as he reached for his underwear and pants and tried pulling them on.</p><p>“Hey, stop,” Shane said gently. “Give it here.” He eased the underwear from Ryan’s hands and helped Ryan get them on. Ryan was near tears as Shane helped him dress. He held his towel to his chest and stood up to pull his pants up to his waist. Shane kissed his forehead and grabbed Ryan’s bra. “Want this on?”</p><p>Ryan shook his head and grabbed for Shane’s flannel he’d stolen to wear that morning. Shane helped him get it on his shoulders and buttoned it up for him. Ryan dropped his towel and took off to the toilet stall. Shane sighed and followed Ryan with his gaze. He picked up Ryan’s clothes and tucked them in the shopping bag Ryan had brought.</p><p>Shane gathered all Ryan’s things and went to stand outside the stall. “Ry?”</p><p>“Meds haven’t kicked in yet,” Ryan grumbled.</p><p>“Okay, well I’m ready to go home any time you are.” He leaned against the sink counter and set Ryan’s bags by his feet.</p><p>Ryan flushed the toilet and came out of the stall, walking to the sink to wash his hands. “I’m ready,” he said. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Stop apologizing, Ry. I’d do anything for you. Anything. This was on the list of easy things I could do for you. I’m not upset about missing work. Christ, fuck that place. But you— you mean everything to me. I’m worried about you.”</p><p>The woman getting changed was leaving now, the door closing behind her.</p><p>“I just don’t want to become a burden,” Ryan said. He was drying his hands and he turned to Shane. “I just—”</p><p>“Anything, Ry. I’d do anything for you.”</p><p>Ryan smiled tiredly and walked to the locker room door. “Admit ghosts are real.”</p><p>“Ryan… within reason, here.”</p><p>Ryan giggled and walked through to the outside door. “Oh, my bad.” He walked to the car and slumped into the passenger’s seat. “God I’m so tired. I didn’t want to go to the gym this morning. I don’t know why I did.”</p><p>“Ryan you haven’t been to the gym in months. Please tell me you didn’t just jump right into the deep end.”</p><p>“Can’t jump in the pool while pregnant.”</p><p>Shane pinched at his nose and sighed. “Ryan.” He opened the back door and tossed Ryan’s bags in the back.</p><p>Ryan shifted in place and pushed the seat back to recline. He leaned back and that felt halfway okay. “I… okay I might have gone harder than I should, but I—” He covered his face, trying to hide his tears. “It’s so fucking stupid.”</p><p>Shane set his hand on Ryan’s thigh and squeezed it comfortingly. “Hey, you can tell me anything.”</p><p>“You say that but one day I’m going to tell you something that’s going to scare you away.” Ryan wiped his hands down his face and groaned. “I just— this is so stupid but I saw the number on the scale jump so quickly that it freaked me out. And so I was rationalizing it like ‘as long as I increase calorie intake but still exercise a bit, I’ll gain weight but… strategically.’” Ryan pulled his hands away from his face and set one on Shane’s. “I’m still gaining so it’s not bad, right?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Shane pulled his hand back from Ryan and grabbed a water bottle from the back seat. “Start drinking.” Ryan missed the soft comfort of Shane’s hand until Shane placed his hand back on Ryan’s thigh.</p><p>The ride home was quiet, Ryan slowly sipping at his water. Shane pulled the car into the driveway and Sara met them at the door. “Ryan, are you okay? What’s going on?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m alright.”</p><p>“Shane just ran out the door. Are you sure you’re okay? Is the baby alright?”</p><p>The baby was currently churning his guys, rolling and kicking inside him. “Yeah she’s alright.” Ryan dropped to the couch and closed his eyes. “Fuck, I have to pee.” He rocked up to his feet and drudged to the bathroom leaving Shane and Sara in the living room.</p><p>“Is he okay?” Sara asked, leaning against Shane’s side.</p><p>“I’m not sure,” Shane said. “I think so? But he’s been overexerting himself. I think his body has just crashed.” He walked into the kitchen, Sara following him. “I’m going to make him something to eat.” He opened the fridge and rooted through, looking for food that wouldn’t upset Ryan’s stomach. “Can’t do eggs, can’t do…” He closed the fridge and looked in the cupboard. “I don’t—”</p><p>“Why don’t you ask him what he wants?” Sara asked. “He might not even be hungry.” Shane was clenching his hands, tightening on the cupboard doors. Sara reached up and massaged his shoulders. “I know you’re worried but we have to… just believe. Good vibes, positive energy, water.”</p><p>Shane nodded and closed the cupboard doors. “I’m— yeah, alright. They’re okay; he’s probably just dehydrated and tired.”</p><p>“Exactly.” Sara leaned in and kissed Shane’s chest. “I’m going to get ready to go to work. Why don’t you tell him about the room we fixed up for him?”</p><p>Shane nodded and kissed Sara goodbye. “Alright, I’ll tell him.” Sara pat Shane’s butt and walked out, leaving Shane to his own mind. “Wait aren’t you going to say goodbye to Ryan?”</p><p>Sara was already walking down the hall to the bathroom and she knocked on the door. “Ryan? I’m heading out. I’ll see you when I get home, okay? I love you.”</p><p>“Bye Sara,” he called through the door. “I’ll be here.” Sara waited for a moment, wanting to see Ryan’s face but realizing she had to leave. “Obi get off my fucking lap. I’m going pee.”</p><p>Sara rolled her eyes with a smile and walked out, waving goodbye to Shane on the way out. Shane walked into the living room and pulled out his phone to call in for himself and Ryan. It was like pulling teeth, getting someone to answer the phone, but Shane waited. Finally, he gave up and called Katie instead.</p><p>“What’s up?” she asked. “I’m almost at the office.”</p><p>“Hey, Ryan’s— he’s not doing too well today so we’re going to work from home. I couldn’t get through to anyone else so that’s why I’m calling you. I uh— I intend to actually work. I’m not sure about Ryan.”</p><p>“What’s going on?” Katie had been one of their biggest supporters, actively making sure one or both of the boys were eating, that they were both staying hydrated, that they kept their schedules. She’d apologized to Ryan for seeming so indifferent about their announcement. She admitted that had just been so immediately thrown into the amount of work they’d have to do that it had come across as apathy. She had seemed nearly ready to beg for forgiveness when Ryan pulled her into a hug and held her close.</p><p>“I thought you were mad at me,” Ryan had said.</p><p>Shane groaned into the phone. “I don’t know,” he answered. “A trainer from his gym called me and she thought he’d been about to collapse. I got there and he was nauseous— which whatever, he’s pregnant, it happens— but he was also cramping and had a headache. We’re going to get him drinking more water and hopefully prevent a hospital trip but if he doesn’t get better…” Shane sighed and ran a hand through his hair.</p><p>Katie’s voice was soft on the other end of the line. “Hey, he’ll alright. Let him rest, make sure he’s drinking plenty of fluids. If he gets sick of drinking plain water, try feeding him foods with high water content— watermelon, strawberries, those sorts of things. I know he likes them.”</p><p>“If that doesn’t help, I’m going to have to bring him to the ER. I’m calling his doctor after you. Hopefully, I’ll be able to work on editing today.”</p><p>“Shane, don’t worry about the editing, alright? Just make sure Ryan’s okay and the editing will get done when it gets done. Good luck. I’m praying for you two.”</p><p>“Thanks, Katie.” Shane turned around to see Ryan coming towards the couch. “Hey how’re you feeling?”</p><p>“Still— I don’t know if it’s cramps or just pain.” Ryan curled up, his head on Shane’s shoulder, and closed his eyes. “Hi Katie,” he said towards the phone. Shane turned the speakerphone on and held the phone between them.</p><p>“Hey Ryan,” Katie said. “Don’t worry about working today, just rest, <em>hydrate</em>, take care of yourself, okay?”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “Yeah.”</p><p>“I’ll see you tomorrow. And if you need anything, call me.”</p><p>“I will,” he said. “Bye Katie.”</p><p>“Bye Katie,” parroted Shane.</p><p>“Bye guys.”</p><p>The phone call ended and Shane set his phone on the couch, next to Obi. “I’m sorry you don’t feel well,” he said, stroking Ryan’s hair. “So you’re feeling better or worse?”</p><p>Ryan hummed thoughtfully. “Nausea’s gone. Headache feels like it’s going?”</p><p>“So better, then. That’s good at least.” Shane held Ryan close, still playing with his hair. He began humming quietly, a slow lilting song. “I’m sorry you don’t feel good.”</p><p>“Hey, hopefully we get this all out of the way the first time that way next time we’ll know what to do or it’s one and done. You know?” Ryan scooched down the couch and laid his head on Shane’s lap. “I’m so tired of being tired. I think I’m done exercising.” Ryan scrunched his nose as Obi crawled over Shane’s lap and swished his tail in Ryan’s face. “At least this pregnancy.”</p><p>“You keep talking like you want to do this again. You’re not sick of us? I figured you’d be ready to get her out, get this over again, and never do it again.”</p><p>Ryan hummed again. “No, I kinda enjoy it. Some of the symptoms absolutely suck ass, don’t get me wrong. The dysphoria can be a bitch and I ache all over. But then she moves and I’m like… yeah that’s why I’m doing this. And I see how happy you and Sara are and it’s all worth it.” Ryan pulled Shane’s hand down to his stomach where the baby was rolling around. “Sometimes if you watch my stomach you can see her roll from one side to the other. It’s like she’s doing the wave. It’s fucking weird, man.”</p><p>Shane huffed out a laugh. “That seems to be the general consensus, huh?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Ryan agreed quietly. He looked up at Shane’s face, quiet excitement and awe written on his face. “You’re gonna be a great dad, you know.”</p><p>“You too,” Shane whispered.</p><p>Ryan looked away and stared at the tv, the screen still black. “You wanna watch something or like… actually work? I think I’m feeling good enough to work at least for a little bit.”</p><p>Shane sighed. “Should probably work on something, huh? The edits have to be done in just a couple days. Plus I want to call Dr Campbell.” Shane helped Ryan sit up and he got up to grab their laptops, Ryan’s newest research, and call the doctor when he suddenly stopped short. “Fuck we’re supposed to fly out to a location tomorrow. Maybe we should cancel.”</p><p>Ryan shook his head. “No way, man. I’m not supposed to fly after like… eight months. I’m getting as many locations in as I can before then.” Ryan shifted to put his feet up on the coffee table. “I think you were right on the dehydration thing though which— I’ve been drinking water, so much fucking water. I shouldn’t be dehydrated.”</p><p>“But have you been drinking enough to replenish what you lost while exercising? That’s where the problem comes in. Especially since you’ve been swimming. You don’t really feel thirsty or dehydrated because you’re in water so your body isn’t cool, it isn’t visibly sweating… We’ll just make you drink more water.” Shane set his laptop on the coffee table and disappeared into the kitchen.</p><p>“Wait where are you going?” Ryan called to him.</p><p>“Getting you some water,” Shane called back. “And calling your doctor.” Ryan could hear Shane talking lowly on the phone with the doctor before he walked in with a huge cup with a straw sticking out. “Doctor also thinks you’re dehydrated. So here you go— ice and everything.” Shane set the cup on the coffee table and sat back down on the couch, computer on lap. “Drink up.”</p><p>Ryan leaned forward and grabbed the cup, sipping water through the straw. “I’m gonna have to pee so bad,” he complained.</p><p>“It happens,” Shane said with a shrug. He pulled his headphones out and put them on, starting his work. Ryan watched him, watching how his eyes would twinkle as he watched certain clips. Shane looked over and caught him staring. “What?”</p><p>Ryan took another sip from his cup. “Nothing,” he said, grinning. He looked back down at his work and balanced his laptop on his stomach. He started working on his script, glancing down at his research every so often. They worked quietly side by side for an hour or so before Ryan sighed, setting his laptop off to the side. “I have to pee.”</p><p>“So go pee,” Shane said, not looking up from his computer.</p><p>“Don’t want to,” Ryan grumbled, pushing himself to his feet. He set the cup on the coffee table and walked off to the bathroom, Obi winding around his legs as he walked. “Obe. C’mon.” Obi stopped, looked up at him and meowed. “Excuse me.”</p><p>Shane looked at them from the living room and smiled. That was his family, right there. He turned back down to his laptop as they disappeared around the corner and continued working. Ryan yelled at Obi from the bathroom again and Shane laughed.</p><p>“Shut the fuck up!” Ryan squawked. “He keeps trying to jump on my lap!”</p><p>“He likes you!”</p><p>Ryan walked back down the hall and dropped back into the couch. “I like him too, but not on my lap while I’m trying to pee. He snuck in the bathroom before I could lock him out.” He pulled his stuff onto his lap and got back to work, finger typing furiously. He blocked out everything around him until he finished the script. He saved the document and sent it out to the team, only looking up after it was off his screen.</p><p>Ryan stood up and stretched, Shane’s shirt riding up on his stomach. He felt way better. His headache was gone, his stomach was more hungry crampy than painful. Shane was making noise in the kitchen, pots and pans clanking together.</p><p>“Hey,” Ryan said. He stood on his tiptoes to set his chin on Shane’s shoulder. “Whatcha making?”</p><p>“Well, we didn’t have lunch,” Shane said, “since we both kinda forgot, so I’m cooking us an early dinner and it’ll be ready as soon as Sara gets home.” He pulled ground beef from the fridge and it sizzled as he dropped it into the pan. “Where’s my…” he snatched the spatula from the back of the counter and wielded it triumphantly. “Found it.”</p><p>Ryan pressed a kiss to the back of Shane’s neck and moved down to the bathroom yet again. Shane smiled, the feeling of Ryan’s kiss warming the back of his neck. Ryan was talking to Obi in the bathroom again. Why didn’t Ryan just push him out before he sat down?</p><p>Ryan came out of the bathroom, Obi curled to his chest, his butt resting on Ryan’s bump.</p><p>“You’re gonna be all sneezy you know.”</p><p>“I’ll be fine. Maybe my body will just decide to get over my allergies.”</p><p>Shane laughed. “I’m not sure that’s how it works.”</p><p>“We’ll see.” Ryan sat at the table and watched Shane move around the kitchen, cooking goulash— “Hey Ry, did you know traditional goulash is actually closer to a stew?”— while he pet Obi. The baby wasn’t moving too much and that annoyed Ryan. That means she’d probably be up all night. Luckily she wasn’t quite big enough to wake him up yet.</p><p>Sara came home while Shane was mixing the goulash ingredients together. She kissed Ryan’s forehead, kissed Shane, and lifted Obi from Ryan’s arms. “How’s my little family feeling today?” she asked.</p><p>“Well we skipped lunch so a bit hungry.”</p><p>“I’m feeling a shit ton better,” Ryan said. “Must’ve been dehydrated.”</p><p>Sara ruffled his hair. “Drink! Where’s your cup? I’ll fill it for you.”</p><p>“Living room coffee table,” Ryan said and Sara disappeared. Ryan looked up at Shane leaning against the counter. “She stole Obi from me.” He just his lip out and pouted.</p><p>Shane just hummed sympathetically. “You can snuggle the baby.”</p><p>Ryan wrapped his arms around his bump. “Fine, I will. Sara’s not invited, cat thief.”</p><p>“He’s not supposed to be at the table anyway,” Sara said, walking through with Obi curled under one arm, Ryan’s cup in the other hand. “You’re spoiling him.”</p><p>Ryan shrugged and took his cup from Sara. “Thanks,” he said, setting it on the table.</p><p>“No, you gotta drink it,” Shane teased. “Straw— mouth— sip. Cmon.”</p><p>“I will when we start eating! Get me some food and then I’ll drink it.” Shane set an already filled plate down in front of him. “Oh… Thank you.” He grabbed the cup and pointedly took a sip.</p><p>Shane and Sara sat down with their own food and the three of them started eating. They talked about Sara’s day at work, talked about how Ryan was feeling. Ryan felt guilty about how the morning had gone. Shane had missed out on going to work, Sara must’ve been worrying all day, and what if he’d actually done something to hurt the baby?</p><p>“Ryan?”</p><p>Ryan snapped back to the conversation, his eyebrows raised. “What?”</p><p>Sara was staring at him concerned. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”</p><p>Ryan looked down at his plate, the noodles nearly gone. “Thinking about this morning,” he admitted. “I— What if I’d hurt the baby?”</p><p>Shane sighed, rubbing his neck. “Yeah, Sara and I were hoping we could convince you to… not go. Or at least bring one of us with you.”</p><p>Ryan shook his head. “I’m not going. Maybe I’ll do some things at home, but I’m— this morning terrified me. What if I hurt her too, you know?”</p><p>“We know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt her,” Sara said. “And we don’t want you to stop working out if you want to, we just want you to be safe about it.”</p><p>“No, I’m exhausted. I’ve been waking up early every day and going to the gym and I can’t do my normal exercises and it sucks. The swimming was the only reason I kept going and we see how that ended up this morning. I’ve been waiting to go to bed all day.”</p><p>“So go to bed, Ryan,” Shane said.</p><p>Sara set her fork on her plate. “Did Shane tell you about your room up there?”</p><p>Ryan looked up at them, his eyes wide. “My what?”</p><p>“That’s a no.” Sara wiped her mouth with her napkin and stood up, pulling Ryan up beside her. “Come with me.” She held Ryan’s hand, pulling him up the stairs and over towards the master bedroom, and stopped one door short. “Here it is. Open it up.”</p><p>Ryan furrowed his brow but opened the door. The room had a bed in there, a dresser, and a couple bookshelves. Ryan walked in and looked around. “You did this for me?”</p><p>Sara leaned against the doorframe and watched Ryan look around. “Of course. We didn’t want you to feel like you had to stay with me and Shane in our room if you didn’t want to. And you know, if you don’t want it, we can turn it into the office or something.”</p><p>Ryan sat on the edge of the bed and looked around, his hand playing with the edge of the blankets. “I don’t mind staying with you two, you know.”</p><p>Sara smiled. “I know. But now you have your own space if you want it. You can still sleep in there with us when you want and sleep in here when you don’t want to. And there are bookshelves and dressers for whatever else you want to stash in here.”</p><p>“You didn’t go out and buy all this, right?” There was a little pit in Ryan’s stomach at the thought.</p><p>“Oh, no. Of course not! No these were all from Shane and my families. The bed was from my house growing up, the dresser was from Shane’s grandparents, I think, and the bookshelves were mine as a teenager. If you look on the side of that one, it’s painted.” Sara walked in and sat next to Ryan on the bed. “But if we didn’t have these already available to us, we absolutely would have paid for them. For you.”</p><p>Ryan blushed and smiled, looking down where their thighs were touching. “I think I’ll try it. At least for tonight?”</p><p>Sara hopped off the bed and pressed a kiss to Ryan’s forehead. “It’s supposed to be really cold tonight. Shane wants to try and get the fireplace up and running, but you should dress warm just in case. Feel free to steal whatever clothes you want from our room but I put some of the clothes you’ve left here in the dresser.” She turned to leave but Ryan caught her arm and pulled her back. He leaned in and kissed her, cradling her cheek.</p><p>“Thank you,” he said as he pulled back, looking into her eyes.</p><p>Sara smiled. “We’d do anything for you Ryan. See you in the morning.” She closed the door and Ryan sank into the mattress.</p><p>Ryan stared at the room for a bit, looking around at some of the smaller things he hadn’t really noticed before. There was a small lava lamp on one of the upper shelves of the bookshelf. There was a cactus on the bedside table in the corner. He wanted to look around at everything but he was exhausted. He peeled himself off the bed and grabbed a pair of his sweatpants and one of Shane’s shirts from the dresser where Sara had left them. His dirty clothes were tossed in the corner and Ryan crawled into the clean sheets. The blankets were soft and warm and within minutes, Ryan was fast asleep.</p><hr/><p>He couldn’t scream. He couldn’t move. He could feel his baby slipping away from him, dying, and he couldn’t stop it. A heavy hand pressed on his stomach. The sheets were wet. He’d lost the baby. He had to get away. He—</p><p>Ryan woke up with a gasp. He was shaking; his heart was racing. He sat up in bed and threw the blankets back, rushing to turn on the light. The sheets were going to be stained red, they were going to— The sheets were clean. Ryan moved back to the bed and rubbed his hands over the sheets. They were dry.</p><p>It was just a nightmare.</p><p>Ryan’s knees gave out. He sat on the bed and tried to catch his breath but he couldn’t. He stepped out of the bedroom and walked to the bathroom, the harsh lighting making him wince. His face in the mirror looked terrible— his eyes were wide, his eyebrows heavy, and his face was flushed bright red. His hands were shaking as he raked them through his messy hair. God, he looked like shit.</p><p>Ryan pulled his pants and underwear down and checked for anything wrong. Something had to be wrong. Why else would his dreams be like that? But there was nothing.</p><p>It was just a nightmare.</p><p>Sara and Shane would let them back in their room, right? He couldn’t— he didn’t want to be in his own room right now. He wanted warmth and caring and comfort. Ryan walked down to their bedroom, his hand raised to knock, when he heard the sounds coming from the other side of the door. Sara’s giggles combined with Shane’s moans made it very clear what they were doing in there. Ryan was a lot of things but he wasn’t a cock block.</p><p>Ryan padded down the stairs and sighed in relief when he saw Obi watching him. Shane had gotten the fireplace burning hot and Ryan sank down to the warm floor in front of it. He laid on his side to stare at the fire, wrapped his arms around his belly, and he cried.</p><p>Obi ran over, climbing over Ryan’s side. He curled up against his chest, purring gently.</p><p>“Hey buddy,” Ryan whispered, his voice broken with tears. “Sorry to interrupt your nightly rounds.” Obi looked up at him, his eyes wide. “I’m sure dealing with me was the last thing on your schedule.” He pet Obi, his fingers curling in his orange fur, until he was calmed down. His heart stopped racing, his breathing slowed, and his eyes closed back into sleep.</p><hr/><p>Sara rolled over and slapped at Shane. “Go tell Ryan to shut off his fucking alarm,” she groused. She looked over at the time on her phone, wincing at the brightness. “Why the fuck is it set for 5:30?”</p><p>“He must’ve had it set to wake up for his workouts.” Shane rolled off the bed and stepped out of the room, walking over to Ryan’s. He walked into the open door and frowned at the empty bed. Where was Ryan? The blankets were tossed back like he’d been in a hurry; maybe the bathroom?</p><p>Shane walked down the hallway to the bathroom, stopping when he saw the door wide open. His heart raced in his chest. Where was Ryan?</p><p>Obi ran up the stairs and tangled himself around Shane’s ankles, purring. “Hey buddy, do you know where Ryan is?” Shane scooted him out of the way with his foot and padded down the stairs, peeking over the couch. He wasn’t on the couch either.</p><p>Shane could feel his adrenaline spike as he readied himself to panic. “Ryan?”</p><p>Ryan mumbled a soft ‘huh’ from the floor in front of the fireplace, the fire faded to only the faint glow of embers.</p><p>“Oh god.” Shane dropped to his knees and hovered his hands over Ryan’s body. “Ryan?”</p><p>Ryan sat up, scowling in confusion. “What’s up?”</p><p>Shane wrapped Ryan in his arms. “What the fuck are you doing down here? You weren’t in your room.”</p><p>Ryan curled up on himself, looking around the room. “I, uh— I had a nightmare.” Ryan’s body tensed as his mind replayed the nightmare over and over and over.</p><p>“Ry, you’re shaking.” Shane wrapped his arms around Ryan, pulling him in close. “Why didn’t you come to me and Sara?”</p><p>Ryan choked out a wet laugh. “You guys were obviously having sex, so I just— I wasn’t going to intrude. I do that enough already.”</p><p>“Oh, Ryan.” Shane rocked Ryan in his arms, pulling Ryan to his chest. “Come on. Come upstairs with me.”</p><p>Ryan sniffled and nodded, leaning into Shane.</p><p>“Come on. Get up.” Shane helped Ryan to his feet and led him upstairs to his and Sara’s room. “Come on baby. Back to bed.”</p><p>Ryan wiped at his eyes. “Shut the fuck up,” he said with a stifled sob, crawling up on the bed. “I want you— I want to be on the outside. Please?”</p><p>Shane crawled in past him and settled back in beside Sara. “Come on, Ryan. Go to sleep.” Ryan moved over and curled into Shane, his baby bump propped up against Shane’s stomach. Shane’s arms wrapped around him and held him in place. “You’re safe here.”</p><p>Ryan rest his head on Shane’s chest, Shane’s heart beating in his ear. “I’m sorry,” Ryan mumbled.</p><p>Shane’s hand moved up to pet Ryan’s hair. “For what?”</p><p>“Bothering you.”</p><p>“You’re not a bother. Not now, not about this.” Shane leaned down to kiss Ryan’s head. “Other times, oh absolutely. But not now.” He cradled Ryan in his arm. Sara sidled into his other side, her arm wrapping over Shane’s chest to Ryan. “Get some sleep.”</p><p>Ryan hummed, his hand coming up to hold Sara’s arm. “We have a flight today. We’re supposed to be on location by three.”</p><p>Shane sighed. “Yeah.” He was quiet. He closed his eyes and he listened to Sara and Ryan’s breathing. “I don’t want to.”</p><p>“It’s our job,” Ryan mumbled. “If we want the money, we have to do the job. Unfortunately.” Ryan sat up and rest his head on Shane’s shoulder. “What if we didn’t?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Ryan sat up in bed, pulling the blankets back around his legs. “What if I stopped working at Buzzfeed? What if we both stopped working at Buzzfeed?”</p><p>“We’d starve.”</p><p>“If you’re going to talk about Buzzfeed before 7 am, go somewhere else,” Sara mumbled. “I’m trying to sleep.”</p><p>Ryan leaned over and kissed Sara’s cheek. “I’m wide awake anyway,” he said, crawling out of bed. “Fell asleep early last night.” He walked back to his room, wincing at the intensity of the light as he turned it on. Shane followed him a minute later, sitting on the edge of the bed.</p><p>“Where’s this all coming from, Ry?”</p><p>Ryan looked around, his mouth agape as he searched for words. “I don’t know. I don’t know, but we both know we’d do so much better on our own than at Buzzfeed.” He was searching through the dresser drawers, looking at the clothes Sara had put in there. “So what if we did? What if we— we get some money saved up and we leave Buzzfeed and we start our own thing? You and me.”</p><p>“Starting a business takes a lot of work, Ryan, a lot of money.”</p><p>“You were willing to pay a surrogate; you have to have some money around somewhere. I have a decent amount in savings. I might not know specifics but we don’t need to right now. We’ll do research and we’ll— we’ll file paperwork and we’ll be us… on our own terms, not Buzzfeed’s.” Ryan was standing in front of Shane. Shane’s hands came up to cradle Ryan’s bump, staring at how his hands spanned across it like a basketball. “We could do it, I think.”</p><p>“Let me think on it? It’s a big step. I think it’s a great idea, Ry, I do. But I want to— want to figure some stuff out first, okay?”</p><p>Ryan leaned down and kissed Shane, Shane craning up to meet him for once. “Okay. You’ll think about it?”</p><p>“Absolutely.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shane, Sara, and Ryan sat in Ghoul HQ in front of the cameras, waiting to start rolling. Sara’s chair had been moved in beside Shane’s, pushing everything on their set even closer together than usual. Ryan was anxious, his leg bouncing beneath the table. Shane’s hand reached down and laid heavily on Ryan’s thigh, calming Ryan’s fidgeting.</p><p>“Should we— I feel like we should announce this on twitter or something,” Ryan said. “Because this isn’t going to take all that long to edit or anything. I think the more… real, the more candid, the better.” Ryan reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. “Teej can you take a picture of us to upload?”</p><p>TJ took Ryan’s phone and stepped back. “Shane stop looking like that.” Shane started laughing, his face stretching into a genuine smile, looking between Sara and Ryan to see their reactions. Ryan smirked at him and Sara joined in on the laughter.</p><p>“TJ, that’s just his face,” Ryan joked. TJ handed him back his phone and Ryan scrolled through the photos he’d taken. Ryan held the phone in front of Shane, showing the photos off to them. “Which one?”</p><p>Sara reached over and scrolled through, stopping on one of the three of them just smiling at each other. “That one. What do you think, Shane?” Shane nodded and Sara looked across him at Ryan. “Yeah, that one.”</p><p>Ryan pulled his phone back and looked at the photo. “Yeah that looks good,” he agreed. He opened up twitter and typed out a quick message, attaching the photo. <em>Big announcement coming soon!</em> with a link to a personal youtube page. The notifications immediately started flooding and Ryan turned off his phone, stopping the notifications in their tracks. He shoved it back in his pocket and folded his hands in front of him on the table. “I’m ready when you are,” he said.</p><p>“Alright, let’s get this thing rolling,” Shane said.</p><p>Katie brought out a marker with the information filled out. ‘Ryan’s Knocked Up Announcement Video! was written in big block letters. Ryan saw it and cackled, Katie winking at him. He tried stifling his laughter as the video technically started but seeing Shane and Sara’s curious faces made him laugh more. They must not have seen the marker. Ryan schooled his face, his laughter dying down to leave just a twinkle in his eye.</p><p>“Hey everyone,” Ryan started. “You may notice we’ve got a special guest, Sara, here for a special announcement. It’s the first week of March which means the new season of True Crime is just two weeks away from its premier.”</p><p>“But! You’ll notice this video isn’t on the Buzzfeed platform. That’s because, despite recording this on company time with company equipment, this is not a company video,” Shane said, effectively stopping Ryan’s plug. “Hence why Sara’s here.”</p><p>Sara looked over and smiled at the boys and then looked into the camera. “Hey guys.”</p><p>“We’re here to announce that we are expecting… a baby! That’s right! Shane Madej is going to be a papa.”</p><p>“That’s the name he’s chosen,” Ryan said with a shrug. “I don’t know. Whatever.”</p><p>“It sounds good! And then it can be shortened to pop or pa and I— Just imagine if you will, a year or two from now, a small child running to the door to greet me. ‘Pa! You’re home! Did you bring me some sweets?’”</p><p>Sara snickered. “‘Did you bring me some sweets, Pa?’” She added on a thick accent to tease Shane, “No darling, I’ve not a single dime on me. We’ll have to wait until next week when I return from selling the rest of my cattle on the cattle drive.”</p><p>“How am I a cowboy in this?” Shane asked, a grin on his face.</p><p>“That’s what pa reminds me of! Like… old movies when everything is still super rural and some little kid is just like ‘oh please papa!’ The family is helping settle the wild west and—”</p><p>Ryan folded his hands in front of him again. “Name choices aside,” he said, trying to get the conversation back on track so he didn’t have to edit much.</p><p>“Yes!” Shane exclaimed. “Name choices aside, Ryan is also here because he’s played an integral part of this whole baby scheme. Share your part, Ryan.”</p><p>Ryan stood up, his stomach coming in view of the camera. “Baby incubator,” he said, gesturing to his stomach. He turned to the side to show his bump off a bit before sitting back down.</p><p>“The technical term is ‘surrogate,’ Ryan,” Sara chastised playfully.</p><p>“Technical schmechnical,” Ryan said. “That’s the first time I called myself an incubator and I think it’s hilarious. Also consider, uh— brooder, host.”</p><p>“Host makes it sound like a parasite,” Shane said, grimacing.</p><p>“Alright so not host,” Ryan said with a shrug. “Seahorse.” He slapped his hands down on the table in front of him. “There you go.”</p><p>“Perfect,” Sara said. “Seahorse Ryan. Send in your fan art.”</p><p>Shane leaned back in his chair. Ryan leaned back to mirror him. It just happened naturally, just like it always did. “Anyway,” Ryan said, his hands falling to rest under his belly. “Ghoul baby number one due June 2019.”</p><p>“Put your name suggestions in the comments below!” Sara said, her curls bouncing around her face as she looked back at the camera. “Baby Madej still needs a name.”</p><p>“Baby Berbindej.”</p><p>“We’re not using that,” Sara said deadpan.</p><p>“Madbingara. Rubgaradej.”</p><p>Ryan started snickering at Shane before turning to look at the camera. “Anyway!” he said over Shane, still rattling off amalgamations of their names. “Baby Madej, Ghoul Baby coming this June.”</p><p>“Don’t be surprised when Ryan can’t fit behind his desk anymore,” Shane said, squeezing Ryan’s thigh playfully. “We may have to film elsewhere but it will be done. Don’t you worry.”</p><p>Ryan shoved Shane into Sara and rolled his eyes. “That’s it, guys. That’s the announcement. Sorry if you were looking forward to an Unsolved announcement. Unsolved is my baby but this one—” Ryan gestured down at his stomach, rubbing his hands across his bump. “— this baby’s a little more time consuming and a lot more important.” Shane and Sara looked fondly over at Ryan. “Unsolved is still going to happen, don’t you guys worry, but we uh— we’ve got some other things planned. Postmortem episodes might be a bit later starting in June. There might be a temp new cohost, but we’ll figure it out. We always do.” Ryan finally looked over at Shane and Sara and blushed to see them both staring fondly at him.</p><p>Shane and Ryan turned back to the camera, Sara still choosing to stare fondly at them. “Name suggestions in the comments below and we’ll uh— we’ll be seeing you guys.” Shane looked at Ryan and smiled.</p><p>“And cut.” Katie said. “That sound good to you guys?”</p><p>“Good for me,” Sara said.</p><p>Shane nodded. “Yeah I’m sure it’s fine.”</p><p>“I’ll look over the footage and— yeah, I’m sure it’s fine,” Ryan said. He just wanted it to be perfect. “Thanks guys.” Ryan walked around the desk and walked into Katie’s outstretched arms. “Thank you. I’ll clean up everything.”</p><p>“Don’t worry about it,” Katie said. “We’ll all help. I know you want to get that edited and up as soon as you can.” Mark handed her the SD card from the camera and she passed it to Ryan. “Get going. Go announce.”</p><p>Ryan took the SD card and went back behind the desk to pull out his laptop and headphones. “I brought everything up here,” he admitted almost sheepish. “I wanted it to be as streamlined as possible.” Ryan put on his headphones and blocked the clean up out, scrubbing through the video. He watched it half a dozen times, trying to figure out what he wanted to keep, what to edit out, but he just— he loved it too much. It was real, it was them. “I think— I think I’m gonna upload it as it,” he said. “Gonna make a quick thumbnail and post it. What do you think?”</p><p>Shane had watched over Ryan’s shoulder as he worked and even though he couldn’t hear it, it looked fine. He was sure it could only be better with them speaking. “Post it. Then upload the link to twitter. Satiate those fans you know are just refreshing their feed incessantly.”</p><p>“Sara?”</p><p>Sara stood up and pressed a kiss to the top of Ryan’s head. “I’m sure it’s great. I have to get back downstairs but I’ll be checking comments, okay? I love you guys.”</p><p>Ryan leaned into her touch and followed it as she pulled away. “Bye, Sare.”</p><p>“Upload and send it out,” she said. “I’ll see you after work?” Ryan nodded and Sara smiled. “Good. I’ll see you.”</p><p>Ryan uploaded the video, watching the progress bar until it boasted ‘upload complete.’ He loaded in one of the photos TJ had taken beforehand, the words ‘Big Announcement’ typed out across it. It looked alright. Did it look as professional as his uploads for Unsolved did? No. But he didn’t want it to. He wanted it to be soft and candid.</p><p>“Send it out?” Ryan said looking over to Shane.</p><p>Shane smiled gently at Ryan. “Send it out,” he confirmed. “And then get ready for the chaos.” His smile grew.</p><p>“Your addiction to chaos is concerning sometimes.” Ryan finished loaded the video to youtube and waited for it to appear on his page. He anxiously rubbed at his belly. “But if it weren’t for a little chaos, we wouldn’t have her, would we?”</p><p>TJ and Mark walked out of the room, all the equipment in tow. TJ locked the door and winked, a smirk on his face.</p><p>Ryan laughed. “You know, I think TJ <em>wants</em> us to fuck at work. He’s always locking us in here together.”</p><p>Shane pushed his chair back and stood Ryan up alongside him. “Come sit,” he said, patting his lap. Ryan straddled his lap and curled in against Shane’s neck, his breath tickling Shane’s neck. “You’re so gorgeous like this.”</p><p>“Stressed and fat?”</p><p>“Absolutely hot.” Shane’s hands reached between them to rub over Ryan’s stomach.</p><p>Ryan sighed as Shane’s hand slid down Ryan’s bump to tug at the button on his pants. “Stretching out all my clothes? Round and gaining weight?” Shane groaned in Ryan’s ear. “Oh is that it? You like seeing me knocked up, don’t you? You like knowing you’re the one who did this, who fucked my pussy so good. Everyone knows now. I bet no one even remotely thinks we did IVF. They know you held me down and fucked me pregnant.” Shane’s hips bucked up against Ryan and Ryan grinned.</p><p>“I don’t want to hear it,” Shane huffed embarrassedly against Ryan’s neck.</p><p>“Don’t wanna hear what? That you bred me? That you’re <em>proud</em> of that? Remember that day I called you big daddy after the sonogram? You were so ready to fuck me up against that door.” Ryan tugged at Shane’s hair and shifted his hips forward to press against Shane’s zipper. His cock was almost fully hard in his pants. “I’m sure it had nothing to do with being called big. Did it?”</p><p>Shane shook his head. “No.”</p><p>“No, you got hard because you’d knocked me up.” Ryan lifted up his shirt, hiking it up over his belly. “Look what you did to me, Shane.” Ryan grabbed Shane’s hands and used them to push his shirt up over his breasts. “Even had to buy new bras because of you.” He took Shane’s hands and pushed them up under the sports bra to cup his breasts. Ryan sighed.</p><p>Shane’s cheeks were red, his eyes fixed on Ryan’s face.</p><p>“Come on, Shane. Look at what you did. Feel proud of yourself… daddy?”</p><p>Shane looked down between them. His fingers were pinching Ryan’s nipples, twisting the hard buds between them. The palm of his hands held Ryan’s breasts up. He was so close he could taste them if he wanted to. And he did— he really, really wanted to. Shane looked down at Ryan’s belly, the skin stretched tight. “Yeah,” he whispered, his voice rough. “Yeah I do.”</p><p>“Bet you can’t wait to do it again, can you? You’d keep me like this if you could— barefoot and pregnant.” Ryan pulled his t shirt up off his head and tossed it on the desk behind him. “I’d like that too. I love the way you can’t keep your hands off me when you think about how you knocked me up.” Ryan pressed his forehead against Shane’s, their breath mingling between them. They were so close, Shane could feel the ghost of their lips touching. “You think about it a lot. I do too. Wish you’d been more rough— wish you’d pinned me down like you weren’t giving me a choice. Imagine that.” Ryan hummed, thinking about being pinned down to the desk. “And then that plug,” he moaned. “Fuck I wished it was as big as you. Love the way you stretch me.”</p><p>Shane’s hips were starting to slowly rock up against Ryan’s ass. “Love how wet you get.”</p><p>Ryan whimpered. “I’m always so wet for you. It’s only gotten worse since I’ve been pregnant.” Ryan reached down, unfastened the button on his jeans, and tugged the zipper down. “Feel how wet I am now.”</p><p>Shane pulled at Ryan’s nipple as he slid his hand away and dipped it below the waistband of his underwear. Ryan was dripping against his fingers. “Fuck, get these off,” Shane growled, pulling Ryan’s pants down over his ass. Ryan lifted his legs up and Shane tore his shoes and pants off, tossing them to the floor. “God you’re gorgeous.”</p><p>Ryan leaned forward and pressed his pussy right against Shane’s cock. “You’re too clothed,” he said breathlessly. He unclasped Shane’s belt and unbuttoned the pants. “Get them off.”</p><p>Shane stood up, prompting a yelp from Ryan. He set Ryan’s ass on the desk and Ryan stared wide eyed at him. “What? Didn’t think I could lift you?” Shane teased as he shoved his pants down.</p><p>Ryan palmed him through his boxers and huffed a laugh. “No, not really.”</p><p>“That’s me,” Shane said. “Always surprising, doing the unexpected.” He knelt between Ryan’s legs and pressed kisses to his thighs. “God I want to eat you out.”</p><p>Ryan’s thighs clenched a bit. “As much as I love that, maybe not at work when you’d have to go talk to our coworkers. I don’t think they’d like pussy breath as much as you.”</p><p>Shane shrugged. “When we get home then.” He bit Ryan’s thighs and Ryan whimpered, his head falling back. He gasped and his mouth fell open as he panted. “Know what else I’ve thought about?” Shane picked Ryan back up and sat in the chair, Ryan in his lap. “I think about you and Sara each putting on one of her straps and just ruining me.”</p><p>Ryan rocked forward against Shane’s cock. His underwear was soaked.</p><p>“Think you’d like that?” Shane pushed Ryan’s underwear to the side and Ryan lifted his hips to sink down onto Shane’s cock.</p><p>Ryan’s mouth dropped open as Shane’s cock stretched him. A broken moan escaped his lips and he nodded jerkily. “Yeah.” Ryan’s hands clenched on Shane’s shoulders as he lifted himself. Shane’s hands clenched on his ass and helped pick him up. “Want to fuck you, want you and Sara to fuck me. Want everything.”</p><p>Shane growled in his ear and leaned him back on the desk. He wrenched Ryan’s thighs apart and pinned them back towards his chest. “God I want to fuck you so hard you’d end up pregnant if you weren’t already.” Shane thrusted hard. His hair fell against his forehead. “You’re so hot all the time, Ryan.” He was pounding Ryan relentlessly. Ryan’s bump moved with them and Shane was entranced.</p><p>“I think you’ve got a thing for the belly,” Ryan teased breathlessly.</p><p>Shane pushed up Ryan’s bra and watched his tits bounce with every thrust. “I’ve got a thing for you. Fucking look at you. Sara and I won’t even fuck at work but you just— fuck Ry. I can’t control myself around you. You bring out the exhibitionist in me.”</p><p>Ryan whimpered and wrapped his legs around Shane. “God I want you to ruin me. Come on, Shane. Fuck me.”</p><p>Shane laughed breathlessly. Their thighs were slapping together and if anyone walked past, they’d immediately know what was happening. Ryan was loud, he was always loud. His whimpers and moans were music to Shane’s ear. Shane leaned down, his body covering Ryan’s. Their stomachs pressed together.</p><p>Ryan wrapped his arms around his thighs and pulled them up against his chest. Shane groaned as his cock plunged deeper. Ryan was so wet and slick, his thighs were damp and sticky. He was dripping all over Shane’s cock, his thighs. Each thrust punched out a breathy whine from Ryan. Ryan reached around Shane’s hips and tugged his shirt up. “Want you naked. Want to feel you.”</p><p>Shane leaned back long enough to pull his shirt off the rest of the way. He leaned back over Ryan, his hips grinding in deep, harsh strokes. “Should’ve stripped you right down, too.” He buried his face in Ryan’s neck, nipping at the warm skin there. He was grunting in Ryan’s ear with each thrust, a stark difference from his normal relative silence.</p><p>“What’s got you so noisy?” Ryan whispered against his ear. “Not that I mind, god, I love it. But you’re not usually like this. Is it the exhibition? The bump? What’s got you fucking me like this baby?”</p><p>Shane moaned weakly. “I’m gonna cum,” he gasped out.</p><p>Ryan reached between them and started rubbing at his cock. He was on edge almost instantly. Shane’s hips thrust even harder, rough and messy, before burying himself to the hilt with a groan. Ryan was whimpering. “C’mon help me out here.”</p><p>Shane pushed himself back, and reached between them. He rubbed his thumb over Ryan’s cock and curled his fingers deep inside Ryan’s dripping pussy.</p><p>“C’mon baby, cum for me.” Shane watched Ryan’s face as he closed his eyes, his jaw slack. “There you go.”</p><p>Ryan fingers clenched around Shane’s fingers and cock and his thighs tightened against Shane’s sides. He was silent as he worked through the peak of his orgasm, his legs shaking, his chest heaving. He laughed breathlessly. “Fuck,” he rasped out, a worn out grin on his face. “That’ll never get old.”</p><p>Shane kissed him and pushed himself back, staring at Ryan splayed out on the desk. “Damn you look so good,” Shane said with a smile.</p><p>“My underwear’s gonna be soaked the rest of the day,” Ryan complained weakly. “Between your cum and mine, they don’t stand a chance.” He sat up and stared at Shane. Ryan felt as fucked out as Shane looked. “You look good,” he teased Shane. Shane’s body was flushed red to his waist and his hair was sticking up wildly in some spots and pasted down with sweat in others.</p><p>Shane breathed heavily as he reached down and snagged their clothes from the floor. He wiped his face on his shirt and pulled it on. “Nowhere near as good as you.” Ryan was still laying with his thighs open, leaning back on his elbows.</p><p>He laughed. “Agree to disagree big guy.”</p><p>Shane readjusted Ryan’s bra and underwear and tossed him his pants. “I’ll get Sara in on the vote. Built-in tie breaker.”</p><p>Ryan laughed and pulled on his pants, leaving them unbuttoned while he caught his breath. “She’s biased either way.”</p><p>“So her double bias cancels each other out; she’d have to choose.” Shane pulled his pants up and re-buckled his belt. “C’mon you have to get dressed.”</p><p>Ryan moaned. “Don’t want to.”</p><p>Shane slapped Ryan’s ass. “You have to. Come on. Get dressed and we’ll start going through comments. I’m sure there’s already a decent amount.”</p><p>Ryan pulled on his shirt and sat splayed out on the desk still. “Get my shoes.”</p><p>Shane leaned back in his chair and snagged the shoes. He untied them and slipped them on Ryan’s feet. “C’mon, Cinderella. Get your shoes on.”</p><p>“I can’t believe you pulled my shoes off without untying them,” Ryan said with a pout. “You’re gonna ruin them like that.”</p><p>Shane shook his head and retied Ryan’s shoes with a smirk. “My most sincere apologies,” he said, hiding his laugh. He tapped Ryan’s thigh. “Alright, come on down, we’ll start looking over comments.”</p><p>“We’re at work, shouldn’t we be… you know… working?”</p><p>“We’re doing video related things,” Shane said. “Besides, do you really want to do anything right now?”</p><p>Ryan climbed down and sat on Shane’s lap, his back against Shane’s chest. “Well no, but— ” He opened his laptop and refreshed the video page. The video had been up for fifteen minutes and already had over a hundred comments. “Okay well, maybe we should start going through some of these names…”</p><p>Shane grinned. “There we go baby.”</p><p>“You know, we never said whether the baby was a boy or a girl,” Ryan pointed out.</p><p>“That’s fine. Now we’ll get a whole array of names and not just hyper-masculine or hyper-feminine. We’ll be able to pick out what names we want from a wider array.” Shane reached around and grabbed Ryan’s bag, digging out a notebook. “Read me off some of the names and we’ll start sorting them.”</p><p>“Read off all of them or just the ones I like?”</p><p>“Why not all of them?” Shane exclaimed. “We’ll end up going through them again in a few days anyway. And maybe you’ll like a name Sara and I don’t or I’ll like one you don’t— we’ll just see all our options.”</p><p>Ryan curled back against Shane and began reading through the comments. They were all incredibly supportive and congratulatory. They quickly filled the page, four names scribbled on each line the entire way down. Shane turned the page over and started writing again. His other hand was on Ryan’s stomach tracing small circles. He began humming as he wrote. Ryan smiled as the baby rolled around, kicking at Shane’s hand. “There any names you’re liking out here?”</p><p>Shane set the pen down and cradled Ryan’s bump with his hands. “Keep kicking,” he urged. She bumped against his hand again and he laughed. “She can’t hear yet, right? But sometimes it seems like she can.”</p><p>“I think she’s starting to hear like… low frequency noises. But I’m not sure if she can hear our individual voices now or not.” Ryan opened a new tab on his computer and went to his pregnancy tracking site. His teeth played with his bottom lip as he scrolled, reading through the different milestones. “Sometimes between this week and next week, she’ll start hearing and responding to our individual voices.”</p><p>“So maybe she <em>can</em> hear me. Hey, papa here. Kick me if you hear me.” When she didn’t kick, Shane pushed in on Ryan’s stomach until she kicked his hand. “Hey! There we go!”</p><p>“That’s your evidence?!” Ryan asked, equal parts incredulity and laughter in his voice. “That’s not evidence! I’d kick you too if you kept pushing me like that.” Shane took his hand and shoved at Ryan’s arm, poking and prodding him until he finally snapped and kicked Shane’s shin. “Fuck off!” He was laughing.</p><p>Shane clicked back to the youtube comments and continued writing them down. Ryan was reading them off to him and he’d write them. A knock sounded against the door and they both looked up.</p><p>“Why’s the door locked?” It sounded like Katie again.</p><p>“TJ locked it on his way out,” Ryan called. “I’ll be right there.” He maneuvered around the chairs and his bag and all the props and unlocked the door. “Sorry. TJ locked it.”</p><p>Katie raised her eyebrow.</p><p>“He did!” Ryan cried indignantly. “Shane and I are starting to go through the comments and writing down the names. <em>All of them</em> apparently,” he said pointedly at Shane. Shane shrugged behind him and Ryan walked back to sit on Shane’s lap. He started reading off more comments to Shane and Shane wrote down the names.</p><p>“You’re really writing all of them?”</p><p>“Pretty much,” Shane said. “If there’s something we both don’t like, it’s not getting written down but otherwise they are.”</p><p>Ryan closed his laptop. “That’s it for now. There’s a few I’m already liking, I think.” Ryan leaned down and grabbed his back pack, rooting through it. “I’ve got highlighters. We can start highlighting things we like and then Sara can do the same.” He pulled out a pack of highlighters.</p><p>Katie grabbed Ryan’s chair and sat down beside them. “First of all, I know you two had sex in here.” Shane snickered and Ryan choked on his own spit. “Second of all, shouldn’t you two be working on something for Unsolved.”</p><p>Shane shrugged. “Probably.” He looked back down at the list and snagged one of Ryan’s highlighters. Ryan took it from his hands and replaced it with a yellow one. <em>Charlie/Charlotte</em>.</p><p>Ryan picked up another one— blue. <em>Alexander/Alexandria</em>.</p><p>“We’re not using Alexandria,” Shane said.</p><p>“I don’t care if it’s similar to your middle name. It’s still a valid first name,” Ryan said. “Anyways, it’s too late; it’s highlighted.” <em>Olivia</em>. He highlighted over Shane’s Charlotte, turning the marker green. “Look, green for go. And then Sara can circle ones she likes out of the green ones and highlight the others… pink? None of these colors will overlay three of them without making it too dark to read. But yours would overlap purple and mine and Sara’s orange. That should be fine, right? Pink the ones that aren’t already green and circle the ones that are?” Ryan stared down at the list. “We didn’t think this through.”</p><p>Shane ruffled Ryan’s hair. “You thinks over too much. If there’s anything all three of us like, it can just go immediately onto a clean sheet of paper.”</p><p>Ryan sighed, relaxing a bit against Shane. “Oh. Yeah.”</p><p>Katie looked over the list. “Lotta names here. You sure you shouldn’t weed some of them out first?”</p><p>Ryan looked at the list. “It didn’t seem fair to Sara to not get to see the whole list. Honestly there’s only a few here that I like enough to actually name a child.”</p><p>“We’ll name her Ruth,” Shane said teasingly. “Bring back the old grandma names. Ethyl.”</p><p>Ryan shook his head. <em>Sophia</em>.</p><p>“Joan. Florence.”</p><p>“You can make your own list,” Ryan said, skimming the list, “and throw it in the garbage.”</p><p>“Rebecca. Maizey. Lisa. Pamela.” Shane had a grin on his face.</p><p>“Rebecca isn’t— Hey wait, shut the fuck up! You’re not getting me with Hot Daga names!”</p><p>Shane started laughing and Ryan rolled his eyes, bending back down over the list. “Oh come on. I almost got you— admit it.” Shane started poking Ryan’s side. “Admit it.”</p><p>“I’m gonna kick you in the fucking shin again.”</p><p>“You really should watch your mouth. Baby Ernesto Gordon Goondis Madej can hear you now.”</p><p>“I’m going to jump off a bridge. I’ll see you all in hell.” Ryan capped his highlighter and got off Shane’s lap. He snagged his notebook and his laptop and shoved them in his book bag. He stormed to the door and leaned against the doorjamb. “I can’t believe you’re just going to let me walk away.”</p><p>Shane’s face softened. “Not if I thought you were serious.”</p><p>Ryan narrowed his eyes and walked back. “Yeah that was cute, I’ll allow it.” He tossed his bag back on the floor and pulled out his Unsolved research. “I’ll get to work, Katie.” He tossed the research on the table and sighed. “Man, I wish I could learn through osmosis. This is still a ton of research to finish before Monday.”</p><p>Katie hummed and stood up, giving Ryan his seat. “And yet you were up here looking at baby names,” she teased.</p><p>“Baby names are more fun. I’m sick of just calling her ‘the baby.’ It’s impersonal. Kinda feels dehumanizing a little bit too,” Ryan said. He sat in his chair and pulled out his laptop, opening his script.</p><p>Ryan immersed himself in the research, tapping away at his keyboard every so often. His hand rubbed mindlessly at his bump, the baby rolling around inside. He was so bored. He looked up at Shane who’d left at one point to grab his own laptop. Shane was editing, scrubbing through their video. At one point, Shane paused on a shot of Ryan, a soft smile on his eyes. Ryan understood— he looked at his bump like that too. That was their baby in there.</p><p>Ryan leaned his head on Shane’s shoulder and Shane looked over at him, pulling his headphones down. “Hey, you okay?”</p><p>Ryan hummed. “Yeah, just bored. A little achy but I think that’s just like… ligaments stretching.” He rubbed at the underside of his belly, trying to ease the pain. “I don’t know. Does today just seem to be dragging by to you?”</p><p>Shane sighed and leaned back. “Yeah.”</p><p>Ryan stood up and winced. “I want to go home and put my feet up.” He squatted down, stretching his hips. “Maybe just lay in the tub.” Shane reached back and rubbed Ryan’s back as Ryan held the edge of the desk. He moaned as he stretched, rocking his hips. “Fuck, my hips are tight.”</p><p>“Have you been sitting too long?” Shane asked as Ryan stood up.</p><p>Ryan stretched his arms above his head. “Yeah probably.” He rubbed at his belly again. “I’m gonna go walk around for a bit.” He set his hand on Shane’s shoulder and walked out of the office.</p><p>Shane sat working on his edits, watching and rewatching parts of the episode. It wasn’t due for upload for a couple weeks yet but he and Ryan had insisted on getting things as tied up as they possibly could before the baby was born.</p><p>Ryan was glowing in the footage. He’d heard an old wives tale that baby girls were supposed to steal their mothers’ beauty but Ryan had only gotten more handsome. <em>Must be a boy then,</em> Shane thought jokingly. He looked over the edit once more and saved it, sending it to the rest of the team to look over. He was done the work he needed to get done for the day. Technically he could go grab the footage and start editing the next episode of True Crime but he didn’t want to. Shane opened Ryan’s laptop and refreshed the announcement video.</p><p>Comments were flooding in. Shane shouldn’t really be surprised, he supposed— their fan base was staunchly loyal— but this wasn’t even a Buzzfeed video. He jotted down some more names in Ryan’s notebook. He pulled out the highlighters. <em>Bailey</em>. Shane rest his hand on his stomach like Ryan did. What was that like?</p><p>Shane’s phone buzzed on the table and he glanced down at it. There was a text notification displayed across the screen: <em>Girlfriend: 1 photo attachment</em>. Shane smiled at the notification. Ryan had broken into his phone one day and changed Sara and his contacts to Girlfriend and Ghoul Friend and Shane had never changed them back. He tapped his password in and opened the text, grinning at the photo.</p><p>Ryan was down with Sara at her desk, his feet propped up on a chair. Sara was sitting next to him, curling up against his side. Someone else was taking the photo— Shane wasn’t sure who— but he was sure the women that Sara sat with were ecstatic that Ryan was down there. He knew Ryan was being fawned on down there.</p><p>His phone buzzed and another text came through. <em>We’ve got a name list going on down here</em>. Another photo was attached with a list of names scribbled down in Sara’s handwriting.</p><p>Shane skimmed through the list. He closed Ryan’s computer and packed it in Ryan’s bag. He walked down and meandered his way over to Sara’s desk, the baby name book in his hands. He leaned down to press a kiss to Sara’s cheek and set his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “You’re avoiding work too?” he asked.</p><p>“I’m trying to find names for our child,” Sara said, craning her neck to look up at Shane standing behind her. “That’s way more important than Buzzfeed.” She snagged her list from the desk and handed it up to Shane. “Here’s mine.”</p><p>“Mine and Ryan’s is color coded,” he teased, handing the notebook over to her.</p><p>Sara skimmed the list. “What’s my color supposed to be?” she asked, poking Ryan’s side.</p><p>“Pink,” he said, looking over Sara’s shoulder at the new names Shane had added. “Oh, I like Bailey too.”</p><p>Sara hummed, a soft smile on her face. “Bailey is cute.” The three of them sat quietly for a moment. “Is it really that easy to pick a baby name?” Sara asked, looking to Shane and Ryan.</p><p>Ryan was cradling his belly, his eyes closed. He was trying to imagine holding her in his arms, calling her Bailey. He mentally tried a few other names on their list but Bailey felt the most right. He stayed quiet. She wasn’t his to name; he didn’t have final decision.</p><p>“Ryan?”</p><p>Ryan opened his eyes and looked at Shane. “Hmm?”</p><p>“What do you think? Think she feels like a Bailey?” Shane’s hand was heavy on his shoulder. “Wait should we ask her?” Shane knelt down beside Ryan and set his cheek on Ryan’s belly. “What do you think? You like Bailey?” The baby rolled around and kicked Shane in the cheekbone. “I’m not sure what that kick meant,” he said laughing.</p><p>“Felt like a good kick,” Ryan said. “I think she likes it.”</p><p>Sara propped her feet up on the chair with Ryan’s and smiled as she thought. “Bailey Madej. Sounds pretty good to me.”</p><p>Shane crossed his legs as he sat on the floor. “Bailey Bergara or Bailey Rubin would sound just as good,” he argued. “I still don’t know why you won’t entertain either of them.”</p><p>“Why is it so bad that we use your last name?” Ryan asked. “She’s being named after her dad.”</p><p>“Papa,” Shane amended.</p><p>“Her papa,” Ryan parroted, rolling his eyes. “You’re a great guy, Shane. Why wouldn’t she be named after you?”</p><p>Shane shrugged and Sara threw a balled up napkin at him. “Yeah you’re great, Shane, so shut up. Plus Ryan and I are probably going to fill out the birth certificate forms so you’ll just have to deal with it.”</p><p>Ryan sat in his chair for a bit longer, once again rubbing at the underside of his belly. “Time for me to get moving again,” he complained, standing up. “I’ll see you guys later.” He walked back up to Ghoul HQ and paced around the room. He didn’t want to work. He was nearly caught up on his Unsolved scripts and his head was feeling kinda fuzzy anyway.</p><p>Ryan sighed. He sat down on his laptop and scrolled through his documents. There had to be something here he could work on. He caught glimpse of an oddly marked document and clicked it open. His heart raced a bit— it was the last bit of paperwork they would need to start their own business— Steven had sent it to them once he’d gotten on board with the whole idea. Ryan opened the drop menu and sent the papers off to print. He’d use his time wisely, he thought.</p><p>He ran into Shane on his way to the printer, slamming into his chest. “Oof—” he groaned.</p><p>Shane’s arms had wrapped around him on instinct. “You okay? Where are you headed so quickly?” He stepped back, releasing Ryan, and fixed Ryan’s shirt.</p><p>“Gotta grab some printing before anyone else sees it.”</p><p>Shane laughed. “Now, Ryan. I think you should know better than to print your nudes off at work.”</p><p>Ryan spluttered, slapping at Shane’s chest. “I’m not printing my nudes at work!” he yelled. His cheeks blushed as a group of people walked past to their own recording space. Ryan lowered his voice. “I’m printing off some of the paperwork Steven sent us.”</p><p>Shane’s laughter died down a bit, his eyes still twinkling. “Yeah, run and grab your paperwork. Nothing like using company time to say fuck the company, huh?”</p><p>Ryan nodded, a grin on his face. “Yeah, exactly.”</p><p>Shane leaned in and kissed Ryan’s forehead. “I’ll see you tonight. We’re still all going over to your place, right?”</p><p>Ryan hummed. “Maybe we can workshop some middle names over pizza. I’ll buy.”</p><p>“While I’d love to, Steven’s coming over, remember? We were going to start talking about show ideas for when we finally get all this paperwork finished. Just brainstorming but you know.” Shane rubbed at his neck. “I just want this paperwork all done and I want to be able to… create, you know? We’ve got most of the paperwork already finished. We just need this last bit and we can open that bank account, get the money in there and start actually being a business. <em>Our</em> business.”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “Yeah, no I get what you’re saying. I’m so tired of being here.” Ryan leaned against the wall. “I just wish— I don’t know.” He backed up. “I’m gonna go get that paperwork and try filling it out. Maybe we can have it finished up and ready for us to deliver sometime tomorrow.”</p><p>Shane kissed Ryan again, his thumb coming up to soothe worry lines from Ryan’s brow. “Good. I’ll see you tonight. You need a ride home?”</p><p>“Yes please.”</p>
<hr/><p>The day continued to drag by. Ryan was nearly done filling out the portions of the paperwork that he could fill out alone, leaving only the spots Steven and Shane had to finish. He signed things, dated them, double checked everything— he really wanted this all to work.</p><p>By 5:00, he was exhausted. He was ready to go home and just drop. He’d wanted to take a bath. Ryan had completely forgotten they’d planned a meeting tonight. He hoped his living room and kitchen were clean enough. He honestly couldn’t remember.</p><p>Ryan packed up and walked down to his desk in the main office. He scoured over his papers and notes. He logged in to his computer and scrolled through the calendar, finding the meeting in their shared calendar. Ryan set his face in his hands. “Damn it,” he grumbled. Yep, there was the meeting in bright green. Had Ryan even looked at his calendar that morning? Luckily he hadn’t missed anything important.</p><p>Sara came up behind him while he was bent over his computer and slapped his ass. Ryan yelped and jumped, sending Sara into a fit of giggles. “You should have seen your face!” she cried through the tears of laughter.</p><p>“You fucking scared me!” Ryan yelled back. His heart was still racing. He was laughing too but his heart was pounding against his ribcage. The baby— Bailey— rolled inside him.</p><p>Sara was grinning up at him. “I could tell.” She looked over Ryan’s shoulder. “You ready to go?”</p><p>“Yeah. I just— Completely forgot Shane and Steven were coming over to talk about… things tonight.” He wasn’t sure how much he should talk about in public. “I just… completely forgot about it. Forgot about the meeting, forgot to even check my calendar. It makes me wonder what else I’ve forgotten today.”</p><p>Sara looked Ryan head to toe. “Well you look like you remembered all your clothes. Hey,” she soothed, “this isn’t a nightmare. Just because you forgot means nothing. It’s just pregnancy brain.” Sara rubbed Ryan’s shoulders. “Besides, you know now; you’re not late.”</p><p>“I don’t even know if my house is tidied up,” Ryan groused. He was starting to feel anxious— about the meeting, about forgetting so easily, about starting a business at all.</p><p>“Shane and I are dropping you off at your place and then heading home for a bit. We’re picking up the pizza before we head over. Well…” Sara paused. “That was the original plan. If you want, I can stay with you and help clean up.”</p><p>“I don’t want you to clean up whatever mess I have,” Ryan said. He picked up the last few things he had on his desk and tucked them in the desk drawers. “I just… I’m not in the mood for this,” he admitted. “I wanted to go home and take a bath and just… vegetate.”</p><p>“You can vegetate after the meeting.” Sara picked up Ryan’s back and slung it over her shoulder. “You could postpone the meeting at little while, give yourself some time to bathe and relax and then start after.”</p><p>Ryan stood up straight and turned to Sara. “Do you think they’d go for that?”</p><p>Sara shrugged with one shoulder. “I don’t know about Steven, but Shane? Absolutely. Text Steven and find out.”</p><p>Ryan pulled his phone from his pocket and tapped out a quick text to Steven. His heart was racing as he waited for a response. He didn’t think Steven would be okay with it. Steven liked schedules and structure and didn’t usually respond to unnecessary changes. Ryan’s hand was clenching his phone waiting for it to buzz.</p><p>Shane walked up to them, his bag slung over his shoulder. “You guys ready to go?” he asked with an easy smile.</p><p>Sara nodded and Ryan followed suit, more reserved about it. He turned to walk out, stopping short suddenly. “Shane, can we start the meeting a little later tonight?” His hand felt like it was shaking.</p><p>“Yeah, of course. Did you let Steven know?”</p><p>“I asked him.”</p><p>Shane started walking again and Ryan followed him. “Yeah, just let me know what time. I don’t really have any other plans. I— do you mind if I come over at the same time or do you want me to come later too?”</p><p>Ryan shrugged as they walked up to the car. “I mean… I’ll be taking a bath so if you want to sit in my living room alone, sure.”</p><p>“Are you sure you want me to stay in the living room?” Shane asked suggestively, waggling his eyebrows at Ryan over the car roof.</p><p>“No, I don’t. But what if Steven shows up and you’re naked in the bathroom with me?”</p><p>Shane laughed. “Then Steven shows up and I’m naked with you in the bathroom. It’s not like I’m fucking you in the living room.”</p><p>Sara laughed at the way Ryan’s cheeks flushed.</p><p>“Ryan… you’re pregnant with my baby… I don’t think it would surprise him.”</p><p>Sara laughed again at the way Ryan squirmed. She leaned forward from the back seat to place herself between the boys. “You know… there might be people who assumed you did this the normal surrogacy way— you know, the cups, the petri dish.”</p><p>Shane snorted. “Yeah I don’t think so, but it’s cute of you to.”</p><p>Sara reached between the guys and held their hands in hers. “I don’t think so; I’m just saying it’s possible. Besides, the way we did it was way better,” she said, squeezing their hands. She leaned her head against Ryan’s seat as they drove Ryan home. “Do you want me to come in?”</p><p>Ryan shifted in his seat, unclipping his seat belt. “Can you? You don’t mind?”</p><p>Sara kissed his cheek and leaned back. “Course not,” she said, climbing out of the car. Shane opened his window and Sara leaned in, kissing him. “I’ll see you when you get here. Don’t forget the pizza.”</p><p>Shane grinned and pulled one of her curls until it sprang back into place. “Course not. I’ll be back in a bit.”</p><p>Shane pulled out and Sara followed Ryan into the house. He was leaning against the kitchen counter, resting his face on the countertop.</p><p>“Hey,” Sara said softly, “you okay?”</p><p>Ryan sat up and smiled tiredly at Sara. “Yeah, just exhausted.” He rubbed his eyes and winced, trying to blink his contact back into place. “I’m— I just want to go to sleep. Take a bath and go to bed.”</p><p>“So take a bath and go to bed after your meeting.” Sara rubbed Ryan’s back. “You’re just finishing up the paperwork tonight, right?”</p><p>“Finishing paperwork, going over money things, starting to workshop show ideas…” Ryan yawned.</p><p>Sara kissed Ryan’s shoulder and started manhandling him towards the bathroom. “Take your bath and I’ll go get you when it’s almost time for Steven to get here, okay?”</p><p>Ryan sleepily tugged at his shirt, pulling it over his head. “Yeah, alright.” Ryan kissed Sara’s nose. He was almost asleep standing up. “Love you.”</p><p>Sara eased Ryan into the bathroom. “I love you too, Ry.” She closed the door behind him.</p><p>“And the baby does too,” Ryan called through the door.</p><p>Sara’s face was soft as she smiled. “And the baby,” she agreed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ryan looked at himself in the mirror. His shirt barely fit over his stomach and his pants were not happy with him. <em>Third trimester starts today!</em> his pregnancy app had reminded him cheerily this morning. Staring at the mirror, that much was obvious. He’d have to finally cave to Shane and Sara’s offers to buy him maternity clothes. He stared at himself from the side, his hands resting on the curve of his back.</p><p>He looked good like this. The relative flatness of his chest swelled into the round fullness of his stomach. Ryan tugged his shirt up over the top of his bump and grabbed lotion from on top of his dresser. Ryan watched his belly distort as the baby started stretching out inside him.</p><p>“Good morning to you too,” he laughed. He rubbed lotion on his stomach, a vain attempt to reduce stretch marks but he didn’t think it’d work. He’d either have them or he wouldn’t, but his skin was softer now, so that was a plus.</p><p>Ryan could hear the front door open from down the hall. “Ryan?”</p><p>“In my room! I’ll be right out.” Ryan called down to him. He took one last look at himself in the mirror and walked out, a smile on his face. “Good morning,” he said to Shane, brushing his hand against Shane’s arm as he walked past. “I’ll be ready in a minute.” Shane leaned against the counter, watching Ryan finish packing his lunch. Ryan popped a grape in his mouth. “Want one?” He held a grape out to Shane who gently plucked it from Ryan’s fingers.</p><p>“Thanks.” Shane stood up and walked over to Ryan’s cupboard, grabbing a water bottle down. He filled it with water, Ryan slapping his ass as he walked past. Shane turned around, smirking at him. “You look good. You’re in a good mood today.”</p><p>Ryan bounced in place on his toes. “I feel good.” His face was bright, his eyes shining and his smile wide. “I don’t know man. It just feels like it’s going to be a good day. Do you want to go shopping today? I need to pick up some new clothes. And what better way to start the third trimester than by finally getting maternity clothes?”</p><p>“Home stretch,” Shane said, capping the water bottle. “Twelve weeks.”</p><p>“Twelve weeks,” Ryan confirmed. “Still haven’t fully decided on a name.”</p><p>Shane waved it off. “We’ll find one.”</p><p>“We can’t keep calling her ‘the baby’ her whole life.”</p><p>Shane wrapped his arms around Ryan’s waist from behind and pulled Ryan in against his chest. “Well it’s either her or you.”</p><p>Ryan squeaked, his face turning red. Shane let go of Ryan laughing. “Shut the fuck up,” Ryan said, grin on his face.</p><p>Shane leaned against the counter. “What kind of noise was that?”</p><p>Ryan snagged the water bottle and his lunch and set them on the counter beside the door. “No noise. There wasn’t a noise at all.” He squatted down to get his shoes and Shane looked at him, obviously amused. Ryan wobbled, catching himself from tipping over as Shane lunged forward to catch him. “No, I’ve got it,” he said, laughing. “I’m fine.” He leaned against the counter and pulled his shoes on. “You know, I’m thankful that my feet didn’t grow or anything. Can you imagine how much worse I’d be if I couldn’t wear my shoes?”</p><p>“I don’t think Sara and I could afford replacing your shoe collection.” He looked at Ryan, struggling to balance himself and get his shoes on at the same time. “Wouldn’t it be easier to sit?”</p><p>“Yes,” Ryan said, “but I’m not.”</p><p>Shane smiled at Ryan fondly. He really wanted to spend the rest of his life with this man, didn’t he? Ryan was trying not to fall over, half laughing at himself, and Shane’s heart was swelling. Shane grabbed Ryan’s water bottle and lunch off the counter and his keys off the hook, waiting for Ryan to finish tying his shoes.</p><p>“Listen, I’m gonna do this until I absolutely can’t anymore,” Ryan said.</p><p>“You can’t now,” Shane said, laughing. “Look at you— you’re about to fall over! It’s taken you twice as long to get them on as it should.”</p><p>Ryan laughed at him, knowing he was right. “Then be helpful!” he said, holding out his foot. “Tie these for me.”</p><p>Shane knelt down, setting Ryan’s things on the floor. “You could’ve asked for this a while ago, Ry. You know I’d do it. I’d do anything for you, you just say the word.”</p><p>“‘You want the moon?’” Ryan crooned, his accent absolutely horrendous. “‘Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.’”</p><p>“‘Hey that’s a pretty good idea. I’ll give you the moon, Mary,’” Shane finished, tapping Ryan’s knee as he stood up.</p><p>Ryan looked up at Shane, his hair falling down into his face. Shane’s eyes were gorgeous. Ryan could never get enough of them. “I’ll take it,” he said. He hoped he didn’t look nearly as in love with Shane as he felt. But at the same time, he did. He wanted Shane to know exactly how he felt about him, about Sara. He wanted to shout his love for them from the rooftops, to tell everyone he knew just how much in love with Shane and Sara he was.</p><p>Shane leaned down to kiss him. “Anyway,” he said, leading Ryan out the door, “back to our previous discussion— I thought we all decided on Bailey.”</p><p>“<em>Did</em> we all decide? I know it was the one we all liked the most but we haven’t come up with a middle name for it or anything. It’s been three weeks.”</p><p>Shane shrugged it off, walking to the car. “I like Bailey, Sara likes Bailey, <em>you</em> like Bailey, so she’s Bailey. Sara and I have been using her name— I hadn’t realized you weren’t.”</p><p>Ryan climbed in the car and buckled up, adjusting the drivers’ seat forward to compensate for his shorter-than-Shane’s legs. “I was in my head…” he admitted. “I didn’t know if we were all fully onboard though, so I didn’t want to say it aloud.”</p><p>“We’re on board,” Shane confirmed. “At least with the Bailey part. I’m still not set on the Madej part.”</p><p>Ryan glanced over at Shane. “See, that’s the part I don’t understand. Why not? Most men would fight to have their baby named after them.”</p><p>Shane shrugged. “Feels aggressively patriarchal. What did I do that was so special that you and Sara couldn’t have done?”</p><p>“Well there is the whole impregnation thing. Sara and I would have had a bit of trouble with that one.” Ryan smirked at Shane. “If you’re really that against it… I mean, she’s your baby. I can’t force you to name her anything you don’t want.”</p><p>Shane sighed. “No, I know. I just— what have I done that was special enough? What have I done to deserve you and Sara and Bailey in my life at all, let alone to have Bailey share my last name?”</p><p>Ryan reached over and set his hand on Shane’s thigh. “You helped create Bailey, for one. I think that’s pretty damn special.”</p><p>Shane smiled at Ryan, setting his own hand on top of Ryan’s. “You’re doing all the hard work on that one.”</p><p>“I’m going to fucking kick you,” Ryan said. “Just take you out by the knees. Stop downplaying everything you do in life. You’re special, Shane, even if you don’t want to believe that. You’re special to me, to Sara… you’re special to Bailey. She’s only gonna have one papa. Why shouldn’t she be named after him?”</p><p>“By that logic, she also only has one mother and one dad,” Shane pointed out. “I’m— I’ll get used to it, I’m sure— having someone named after me.”</p><p>Ryan snorted. “It’s your last name, Shane. It’s not that fucking deep. If you don’t like that she’s named after you think about it like she’s being named after your parents or your brother or something. They deserve to have Bailey share their last name, right?”</p><p>Shane crossed his arms across his chest. “Yeah I guess. What about your parents? Or Sara’s?”</p><p>“I’m sure Sara’s parents expected any grandchildren to have their dad’s last name. I know my parents always did. Even after I came out, I don’t think they ever expected any Bergara grandchildren from me. That’s what Jake’s for.” Ryan took Shane’s hand in his. “You’re allowed to want things, you know. Wanting Bailey to have your last name doesn’t make you a bad person; it doesn’t mean you’re upholding an unfair patriarchal standard. It just means you caved when your two best friends bullied you into it,” Ryan said with a grin.</p><p>Shane shook his head, chuckling. “I’ll never win an argument again,” he joked.</p><p>Ryan pulled into the Buzzfeed parking lot and parked the car. He turned and looked at Shane. “You’re allowed to want things,” he reiterated.</p><p>“I know,” Shane whispered.</p><p>“No, I don’t think you do,” Ryan said. “But you are. You’re allowed to want things and let people know you want them.” Ryan climbed out of the car and stood alongside it, pulling his hoodie back down over his stomach. “This is going to get real annoying,” he complained hiking his pants up higher.</p><p>Shane laughed and reached into the back seat of the car, pulling out a flannel. “I’ve got this if you want to wear it. It’s a bit longer than your shirts.” He tossed it over the top of the car for Ryan to catch. “If you want it.”</p><p>Ryan shrugged off his jacket and tossed it in the back seat of the car, pulling on the button up. It hung low past his stomach. At least it covered the part of his back and hips that kept being revealed each time his shirt rose up. “Well it’s not as warm as my jacket but it covers me better.”</p><p>“So put your jacket on over it, dumbass.”</p><p>Ryan laughed. “I don’t think I like your tone, mister,” he teased. He grabbed the jacket from the back seat and pulled it back on. He hummed, trying to tug the jacket closed. “It doesn’t fit around my stomach.” He laughed.</p><p>“I think it’s hot,” Shane said, waggling his eyebrows at Ryan.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Ryan said, rolling his eyes. “You’re all boned up about the belly.”</p><p>Shane laughed. “It’s only partially that,” he said. He nudged Ryan’s arm with his elbow as they walked in.</p><p>Ryan dumped his stuff at his desk as soon as he walked in. He grabbed his script and locked himself up in the recording booth. He leaned back into a chair and snagged a pair of large headphones, plugging them into his phone. Ryan scrolled through his music and pressed play on a playlist he’d made specifically for this. He didn’t want Bailey having to hear about a woman’s brutal murder any more than she had to; during postmortems was bad enough. <em>Wait, he could just put headphones on her for those, too…</em></p><p>Ryan was nearly done recording when there was a gentle knock on the door. He stopped the recording and opened the door, finding Sara on the other side.</p><p>“Hey, I thought you were working from home today,” he said as she kissed him on the cheek.</p><p>“I am,” she replied simply. “Shane and I are heading out for lunch. You wanna join?” Sara motioned to Shane standing out in the hallway.</p><p>Ryan looked over at his script and then snagged his phone from his pocket. <em>12:21.</em> “I uh— Raincheck?” He’d lost so much time…</p><p>Sara took his hand in hers and squeezed it. “Of course. Want me to have Shane bring you back something?”</p><p>“I’m not that hungry,” Ryan admitted. He saw Sara’s lips purse slightly and quickly added, “but sure.” He walked with Sara back to the hallway to Shane.</p><p>Shane turned around and saw him, immediately laughing. He motioned to the headphones on Ryan’s stomach.</p><p>“Oh,” Ryan said, blushing. “I didn’t— it’s—” He groaned and started laughing himself. “I didn’t want her to hear what I was talking about. So she’s listening to, uh—” Ryan pulled his phone out again. “—Johnny Cash’s <em>You Are My Sunshine</em>. I made Bailey her own playlist and the volume is turned down pretty low, so it should be okay.” Ryan had added it to the playlist and only then realized Sara had hummed that song to him after the miscarriage. He definitely hadn’t sat down and cried about it. “And I’ve been taking breaks for both of us every so often.” Probably not as often as he should, but he was taking them. “I’ve just got a little bit more to record and I should be done.”</p><p>Sara’s hand was soft and gentle against Ryan’s cheek. “We’re heading out then. Is there anything you want specifically?” Ryan shook his head and Sara took Ryan’s hands in hers. “I’ll make sure Shane brings you something. See you at home?”</p><p>Ryan looked over to Shane. “Are we still going to go clothes shopping?”</p><p>“Yeah, if you want. We’ll swing by and pick Sara up before we head out.”</p><p>Sara shook her head. “No, that’s way out of the way. I’ll meet you guys back here right before 5. I’ll get an Uber.”</p><p>“I’ll see you guys then,” Ryan said. Sara backed away, her hands still in his and he squeezed them gently before letting go. “I’m gonna finish recording and then start editing.”</p><p>“Take it easy, Ry,” Shane said. He kissed Ryan’s forehead. “See you in a bit.” Shane followed after Sara and Ryan watched them until they disappeared before turning back into the recording booth. He took a drink of his water. He rolled his shoulder and sighed, pulling the headphones off his stomach. Reaching back for his phone, he turned off the music, turned on the recording setup and got back to work.</p><p>He didn’t even realize the time until Shane walked in, shopping bag in hand.</p><p>“Alright, c’mon. Recording off.”</p><p>Ryan shuffled to turn off the recording. “Dude, that was my last take!”</p><p>Shane picked up Ryan’s things and led Ryan to the break room. “It’s almost 1:30 and you haven’t eaten. You haven’t taken a break in almost five hours. I’m even willing to bet you haven’t gone to the bathroom.”</p><p>Ryan hadn’t.</p><p>“So come on. Everyone else is already off lunch and you need to eat. I’m sure out of the nineteen thousand takes you already have, more than one will be good enough to go in the episode.” Shane led Ryan to a chair and pulled it out for him, setting the shopping bag on the table. “Eat up. Have you been drinking?”</p><p>Ryan nodded, swishing around his almost-empty water bottle. “Almost empty.”</p><p>Shane stood up and refilled Ryan’s water bottle, sitting back at the table with his laptop. He plugged his headphones in and buried himself in his work, hunched over the screen.</p><p><em>How do you not have so many more back problems?</em> Ryan wondered as he watched him.</p><p>Shane looked up at Ryan watching him and smiled before looking back down at his computer.</p><p>Ryan could feel his stomach flutter and it wasn’t even the baby this time. Shane smiling always made him feel like that. Not to say Bailey wasn’t rolling around— she absolutely was— but Ryan knew this was all Shane this time.</p><p>Shane looked up at Ryan again and caught him staring. “What?” he asked, a lighthearted twinkle in his eyes.</p><p>Ryan shrugged. “Nothing. Just wondering how your neck hasn’t broken under the weight of your head yet. Can the human spine sustain that much weight?”</p><p>Shane laughed. “I’m a scientific marvel, huh?”</p><p>“You’re something, alright.” Ryan finished off his food and leaned back in his chair. Bailey was kicking the edge of the table. “Descendant of an extinct race of giants?”</p><p>“That means you’re carrying the next generation there, buddy,” Shane said, looking at the paperwork in front of him. “You’re now complicit in the furthering of Sasquatch genetics.”</p><p>Ryan gasped in mock fear, a smile hiding just beneath the surface. “Oh holy shit, you’re right. Whatever will I do?”</p><p>“Nothing you can do now,” Shane teased. “It’s too late. We giants have you surrounded.”</p><p>Ryan stood up begrudgingly and threw out his garbage before dropping back into the chair across from Shane. “I’m kinda tired,” he said after a beat of silence. “I could go for a nap.”</p><p>“So go nap.” Shane stopped typing and looked up at him. “Go lock yourself in the sound booth again and go to sleep.”</p><p>“I’ve gotta edit,” Ryan said. “Plus if I get caught sleeping, I’ll be fired.”</p><p>Shane shrugged nonchalantly. “We’re already making other plans anyway. Do you want to take a nap instead of shopping tonight?”</p><p>“I want coffee,” Ryan said. “I’m gonna google if it’s safe to drink coffee.” He pulled out his phone and typed it in. He checked three sources— two of them written by actual doctors— and set his phone down with a relieved sigh. “I can have coffee.” He pushed away from the table and grabbed a mug from the cupboard. “Thank god.” He poured his coffee and prepared it just the way he liked it before sinking back into the chair. “Oh coffee, how I’ve missed you.”</p><p>Shane laughed. “I don’t think you’ve ever looked at me the way you’re looking at that coffee right now.” He leaned back in his chair. “You ready to get back out there?”</p><p>Ryan cradled the mug in his hands and walked out to his desk; Shane followed him with their things. Ryan sat at his desk and woke up his computer. His left hand never left the coffee cup and Shane grinned, rolling his eyes. He set Ryan’s script and laptop on his desk and sidled into his own chair.</p><p>Work was boring and monotonous for the rest of the day. Ryan was so sick of listening to his own voice. None of the takes sounded good enough to him. He was frustrated. He’d re-record tomorrow.</p><p>Shane looked across the desk at him and raised his brows. “You okay?”</p><p>Ryan set his head in his hands. “I hate every take I’ve got. I’m— I’ll have to record again tomorrow.”</p><p>Shane moved around the desk and eased Ryan’s headphones off his head, pulling them on his own. He listened through a few takes and his brow furrowed. “Ryan these all sound great. Maybe you just need to walk away from it for a little while? It’s almost quitting time; you can come back to it tomorrow.”</p><p>“But if I still don’t like them tomorrow, I’ll have wasted time that I could be using to record.”</p><p>“Then I’ll edit it, Ryan. They sound great. You’re just stressing yourself out over nothing.” Shane set his hand on Ryan’s head and ruffled his hair. “You ready to go? Sara’s downstairs.”</p><p>Ryan saved everything and shoved his stuff into his bag.</p><p>“Hey, we’ve got time. Don’t stress yourself out over it, okay? I’ll help you.” Shane set his hand on Ryan’s and tried to convince him to put things in his bag easier. “It’ll be alright.”</p><p>Ryan sighed and placed his things in his bag with slightly more care. “This place sucks, man,” he mumbled. He stood up and swung his bag onto his shoulder. “You ready to go? Let’s go get me some fat clothes.”</p><p>Shane laughed, caught off guard. “Jesus, Ry. They’re not ‘fat clothes.’”</p><p>Ryan smiled at Shane’s laugh. Making Shane laugh always made him feel better. “Well can’t call them maternity clothes if I not a matern…al. Mater… Mom. I’m not the mom and paternity clothes aren’t a thing, I don’t think.”</p><p>“You could call them pregnancy clothes,” Shane pointed out, still grinning. “Gestational clothing.”</p><p>Ryan just hummed and walked to the elevator. He met Sara first and she leaned up to kiss his cheek.</p><p>“How are you?”</p><p>“Ready to get the fuck out of here,” Ryan said. “What’s the male version of maternity clothes?”</p><p>Sara shrugged. “I don’t know. Paternity clothes? Why?”</p><p>“I don’t think that’s a thing.”</p><p>Shane laughed at Sara’s confusion and leaned down to kiss her. “Ryan said we were going shopping for fat clothes. He also said he’s not the baby’s ‘maternal,’ so that’s a thing.”</p><p>Ryan laughed. “Hey, fuck you! I changed it to mom— which I’m not. What’s the gender neutral or masculine version of maternity clothes? There isn’t one, so why can’t I call them fat clothes? Fat’s not a bad thing.” Ryan climbed in the driver’s seat of the car and Sara and Shane raced to the passenger seat. Ryan laughed as Sara slammed into the door, blocking Shane from opening it with her body. “Back seat, Shane,” Ryan called through the closed window. He opened the window to cool the car off.</p><p>Shane groaned dramatically. “Banished to the back seat in my own car,” he grumbled woefully. He folded himself in the back seat, stretching out when Sara moved her seat forward. “So where are we going?”</p><p>“My house first,” Ryan said. “I forgot to take my meds this morning.”</p><p>Shane leaned up from the back seat and stared at Ryan. “You couldn’t have told us this when we were out for lunch?”</p><p>“Just the prenatal ones!” Ryan amended. “I forgot to put the new prescription in my bag. I’ll pay for the gas refill since we’re going way out of the way. And then when we get there, you can take the driver’s seat because I don’t know where I’m going.” They drove home in relative silence, Shane and Sara talking about their day while Ryan zoned. Ryan parked the car and jumped out. “I’ll be quick, okay?”</p><p>“Take your time,” Sara said.</p><p>Shane crawled out of the car and into the driver’s seat, adjusting the seat to fit his legs beneath the steering wheel. He reached out to hold Sara’s hand, his thumb rubbing long lines on her hand. Sara leaned over the center console and leaned against Shane’s arm. Shane turned in his seat and cradled her head. “How are you feeling?”</p><p>“I’m good,” she said. “Feeling a bit more rested than this morning. How was Ryan today?”</p><p>“He’s stressed. He spent all morning doing voice overs; I had to pull him away from it after lunch— he was still recording when I got back. Right before we left he decided he didn’t like any of them. I’m hoping he listens again tomorrow and decides they’re fine the way they are.” Shane looked up as Ryan closed his front door and walked back to the car. “I’m worried about shopping.”</p><p>Sara looked over at Shane, her brow furrowed.</p><p>“I don’t want it to make him dysphoric. We’re going to buy clothes that are absolutely gendered and I’m just— I’m worried.” Ryan climbed into the car and Shane turned around to smile at him. “You ready to go?”</p><p>“Ready,” Ryan said, smiling. “Let’s get some clothes I’ll only ever wear for three or four months at a time.” He settled into his seat and clicked his seat belt in place. He threw his feet up on the center console and watched Shane roll his eyes and try to push them off to no avail.</p><p>Shane threw his arm on Ryan’s legs while they drove back into the city. Sara threw hers across Ryan’s legs just to tease him. Ryan was going to miss this casual comfort.</p><p>Ryan looked out the window as they drove. Shane parked the car outside the mall and Ryan grimaced, looking at the store signs. <em>Motherhood Maternity</em>— a double feminine didn’t make a masculine, that was for sure. Ryan’s heart raced. What if he didn’t find anything he liked?</p><p>Shane and Sara had already gotten out of the car while Ryan was still struggling to unbuckle his seatbelt. Sara had opened his door for him. “You coming?”</p><p>Ryan finally unclipped his seatbelt and scooted out of the car, adjusting his clothes. “Yeah just… looking.”</p><p>Sara followed Ryan’s gaze to the sign. She read it and turned back to him. “Hey, don’t worry about the name, okay?” She took both of Ryan’s hands in hers and squeezed. “If we’re in there and there’s nothing you like, we can go somewhere else, anywhere else. This isn’t the only place that sells pregnancy clothes in LA, okay?”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “I just don’t have high hopes for a place that uses a double feminine,” he admitted. “Seems aggressively gendered already.” He wrapped Shane’s shirt tighter around himself and walked towards the doors. Sara led him in the right direction once they got inside and he followed obediently. His body was tense as they walked into the store but as Ryan looked around, he was able to relax a little bit. The store wasn’t as aggressively pink and purple and overall feminine as he had imagined.</p><p>A sales associate walked up to them, a smile plastered on her face. It seemed genuine enough. “Hey guys, how can I help you today?”</p><p>Sara smiled as the woman looked right at Ryan for his input. Ryan faltered, not really sure what to say, so Sara stepped forward for him. “We were wondering if you had any clothes for Ryan. He’s put off clothes shopping for a bit but we can’t really avoid it now.”</p><p>Ryan nodded, agreeing. “Nothing overly femme. Nothing with— I want to be misgendered as little as possible despite being obviously pregnant.”</p><p>“Well,” the associate—Liz — started, “pants and leggings are over on that wall. Shirts— I think your best shot will be finding patterns and colors similar to what you wear now and styling them with more masculine accessories.” Liz eyed Ryan’s outfit and walked over to a rack, rummaging through for a similar shirt. The one she pulled out was a simple black t-shirt. She held it up to Ryan and rummaged through a different rack, pulling out a jean jacket and slinging it over the t-shirt. “Something like this? Or something similar if you’ve got your own button ups or jackets.”</p><p>Ryan grabbed the outfit and held it up to himself. “What do you think?” he asked, looking at Shane.</p><p>Sara moved around to stand by Shane and she cocked her head. “I think it’ll look good,” she said. “I think you’ll be able to get away with wearing just t-shirts. Is that what you want to pick out?”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “I think so.”</p><p>“You can also use the changing rooms,” Liz said, motioning to the curtained doors on the far wall. “You can have a partner in there for assistance changing or a sales associate can help you. Let me know if you guys need anything.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Ryan said genuinely, cradling the clothes to his chest. Sara grabbed a shopping cart and Ryan set the clothes in carefully. “Wait— what are the sizings supposed to be?”</p><p>Sara looked at the tags and inspected them carefully. “I think you’re supposed to use your pre-pregnancy size.”</p><p>Ryan looked over at the wall of pants with a grimace. “I have no idea what my waist size is in women’s clothes anymore.”</p><p>“Well your waist is what— a 34? Probably a 12 or 14. You can just try them on,” Sara said. She began looking through shirts and held one up to Ryan. “Hey, Ryan.”</p><p>Ryan looked up and saw Sara waggling her eyebrows. It was a t-shirt that read ‘don’t eat watermelon seeds’ with a watermelon slice where the bottom of his belly would be. Ryan laughed, his nose scrunching up and Shane turned to look at the shirt, joining in the laughter.</p><p>“Oh yeah, Ry. That’s it. We’ll just get one of those for every day of the week and you’re set.” His eyes were twinkling mischievously.</p><p>“It’s a funny shirt,” Ryan said. “Don’t think I could wear it every day for three more months.” Ryan walked around the store, looking for clothes he’d wear. He was mostly looking for plain t-shirts. He found a few and slung them over his arm, continuing around the rack.</p><p>He stopped in front of a rack of dresses, his hand moving wistfully over the soft fabric. Shane came up behind him and set his hand on Ryan’s hip. “You okay?”</p><p>Ryan looked up at Shane and dropped the dress fabric, turning around to hide it. “Yeah, just browsing.”</p><p>Shane looked around Ryan’s back and looked at the dress. “What other colors do they have?” He walked around the rack and grabbed another one in a deep burgundy. “This one would look better, I think.”</p><p>“Dude I’m not going to wear a dress,” Ryan said, hoping his face wasn’t flushing.</p><p>Shane looked at the dress in his hands and set it back on the rack. “Is it because you don’t want to or because you think you shouldn’t want to?” He was looking intensely at Ryan, waiting patiently for an answer.</p><p>Sara walked up with the cart and leaned forward. “What’s going on?”</p><p>Shane was quiet, watching Ryan. He never broke his gaze.</p><p>Ryan broke first, looking down at his shoes. Shane looked over to Sara. “Just waiting for Ryan to answer a perfectly normal question.”</p><p>“Which was?” Sara raised her eyebrow.</p><p>“Does he not want to wear a dress because he thinks he shouldn’t want to or because he genuinely doesn’t want to wear it?” Shane motioned to the dress in question.</p><p>Sara was as annoyingly patient as Shane, watching Ryan as they waited for an answer. Ryan was holding his arm and petting the fabric of the clothes he was already holding. Ryan sighed. “I just— I’m not supposed to wear dresses. I’m a man— that’s not what most men do and wearing dresses would just get me misgendered. I’m trying to avoid that as best as I can.”</p><p>Shane leaned on the shopping cart. “Ry, we work at a place where men are regularly put in dresses and women’s underwear and makeup… and women’s swimsuits. I’m sure no one will even think twice if you want to wear a dress.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Sara said, “even Shane wears panties sometimes.”</p><p>Shane looked over at Sara deadpan. “Yes, Sara. Thank you.” He turned back to Ryan. “Yes, Ryan, sometimes I wear panties and my girlfriend tells you about it in public places.” Ryan laughed and Shane smiled. “You’re no less of a man if you want to wear a dress, Ry. And I’m no less of a man for wearing lacy underwear.” Shane’s fingers brushed Ryan’s arm. “And I’m a thousand percent sure no one will judge you for wearing it.”</p><p>“I should wear dresses more often,” Sara remarked. “No pants?— amazing feeling.” Sara leaned into Ryan’s side and eased the shirts from his hand, setting them in the cart. “Do you want to try it on?”</p><p>Ryan looked at the dress. He’d balled his hands at his side, shoving his thumbs in his pockets. He looked bashful. “I don’t—” He looked down at the dress. “I might not ever wear it,” he said, trying to talk Shane and Sara out of their support and encouragement.</p><p>“We can donate it,” Sara said with a shrug. “But we won’t make you buy it or wear it if you’re really not comfortable with the thought.” Her hand was cool against Ryan’s arm. “Up to you.”</p><p>Ryan’s fingers rubbed the soft fabric. He liked the color. He wanted to wear the dress… But was the possible dysphoria worth it? Ryan took the dress off the rack and dumped it into the cart, crossing his arms and walking over to the part of the store where the pants were.</p><p>He was looking at the different styles while Shane and Sara watched him lovingly from near the dresses. His hands ran carefully over the denim and he stopped at a pile of leggings, feeling how soft they were. Sara nudged Shane and they walked over to Ryan.</p><p>“Hey, Ry. You see anything you like?” Shane asked, coming up behind him.</p><p>Ryan turned around to look at him, his hands still on a pair of jeans. “I— they just look like normal pants.”</p><p>Sara tugged a pair off the shelf and unfolded them. “They have a belly band instead of a button and zipper, see?” A dark blue elastic band was sewn into the top of the denim. “If you don’t want maternity pants though, you should be able to buy just the belly band and somehow attach it to your regular jeans.” Sara folded the jeans back up and set them carefully back in place. She looked around the store, pushing up on her toes to see over the racks better. “Are those it over there?” she asked Shane.</p><p>Shane walked over and grabbed one, reading the box in his hands. “I think so,” he said. He flipped the box over and walked back to Ryan and Sara. He handed it over to Ryan. “What do you think?”</p><p>“I think it seems like wasteful packaging,” Ryan replied. “I’ll get one and try it out.”</p><p>Sara looked over his arm to read the box. “This is on us, you know that, right? If you want to get it, get it. Whatever you want, it’s yours.”</p><p>Ryan looked down at Sara. “You sure?”</p><p>Sara rolled her eyes. “Yes, Ryan. We’ve been sure for months. This was part of our deal so you can’t go back on it. Your womb in return for us lavishing you in love and gifts and our eternal gratitude.” She eased the box from his hands and tossed it into the cart, staring into Ryan’s eyes until he flushed. She turned around and looked at a rack against the wall. “What are your thoughts on overalls?” She searched through for Ryan’s size and pulled the hanger off the wall.</p><p>“I’m— no thoughts, really. I’m sure I wore them as a kid but not recently…like in the last two decades.” Ryan eyed the overalls. “I can— Do we have time to try stuff on?”</p><p>“Yeah, of course!” Sara said. “We’re here until you want to leave. And then Shane and I were thinking maybe you could do a little baby shopping with us— if you’re up to it of course.”</p><p>Ryan’s chest clenched. “Yeah, maybe.” He shouldn’t have a say in what they bought for the baby. She wasn’t his. Once the nine months were up, he was just Ryan. “I’ll— I’m gonna go try these on.” Ryan grabbed the overalls, a pair of shirts and, after thinking for a moment, the dress. He walked back to the changing stalls. He snagged a soft pink sweatshirt on his way past and asked an associate which rooms were available. He disappeared behind the curtain.</p><p>Shane and Sara followed him, looking at the clothes near the changing rooms. They didn’t put anything in the cart that Ryan didn’t ask for but they kept a mental list of things to ask him about.</p><p>Sara looked at the rack of underwear and resolved to ask Ryan if he needed anything.</p><p>“Sara are you out there?” Ryan’s voice was small as he called through the curtain. The store wasn’t overly loud but Sara still struggled to hear him. “Sara?”</p><p>Sara rushed over to the edge of the curtain and knocked gently on the wall frame. “You okay?”</p><p>Ryan pulled the curtain back just enough to tug Sara inside with him. Sara squeaked as she was pulled inside. Ryan was in the dress, his eyes staring at himself in the mirror. He was sock footed as he looked in the mirror. “Is it bad? It’s bad, isn’t it?”</p><p>Sara pushed herself up on her toes to look over Ryan’s shoulder to try and see what he was seeing. “I think you look good, really good.” She adjusted the dress in a few places and looked at Ryan. “I’m sure you’ve got sneakers that can match. Maybe we can get a jacket of some sort to cut the silhouette a little bit?” Sara hummed a little bit, thinking.</p><p>“You don’t think it’s stupid?” Ryan asked. He turned to look at himself in the mirror. His chest was flat— thanks sports bra— and his bump curved below that. The dress was a little tighter than he thought he’d like, but it didn’t look terrible, just… feminine.</p><p>“Your ass looks fucking amazing,” Sara murmured. “And you look hot. We’ll find something to masc it up a bit, promise. And you don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to. There’s no pressure here.” Sara looked in the mirror at Ryan again before turning to look at him face to face. “Wait here a second.” She disappeared back behind the curtain and Ryan sat on the small bench in the corner of the room until she reappeared with the jean jacket and a blazer. “Just try these for me.”</p><p>Ryan pulled on a black blazer and rolled his shoulders, trying to relax. “I don’t know,” he whispered. Tears were starting to well in his eyes and he wiped angrily at them. “Sorry.”</p><p>“Hey,” Sara soothed, “no tears, baby. Not today, okay? Get your jeans back on for a second; I want to try something.” Ryan grabbed his jeans and pulled them on quickly. Sara stood behind him and hiked up the hem of the dress, folding it over itself until it resembled a long shirt. “What do you think about that?”</p><p>Ryan looked in the mirror. It was much, much better. He nodded, wiping at the tears again. “It’s better,” he said. “Definitely better.” Ryan was looking at himself in the mirror. “I think the length is a lot… better.”</p><p>Sara smoothed out the blazer and smiled at Ryan in the mirror. “There’s my Ryan.” She helped Ryan out of the blazer and hung it back on its hanger. “Up to you. Get it or no?”</p><p>Ryan looked in the mirror. “The blazer, yes. The dress…” Ryan looked at the dress folded up like a shirt. “I don’t know. I could wear it like this, I think.” He was pretty sure he had a sweatshirt similar to this at home. “But not as a dress.”</p><p>Sara nodded and helped Ryan out of the dress. “And I’m gonna ask you in here in case you don’t want to talk about it in front of Shane but—” Ryan sat on the bench while Sara hung the dress up. “Do you need nursing bras or pumping bras or anything while we’re here? I know you want to provide milk while you can. Do you want something while we’re here? They’ve got sports bras and regular unpadded bras. We can look around and see what you like, what you think you can handle wearing… It’s up to you.”</p><p>Ryan sighed, biting his lip. He pulled on one of the maternity t-shirts while he was sitting. “I read somewhere that sports bras could be bad for milk supply.” He stood up and looked in the mirror, adjusting the t-shirt around himself. He was immediately more relaxed in plain t-shirts. “Can we look? I just want to see what they’re like, even if we don’t get any today.”</p><p>Sara nodded. “Yeah, of course. I’m gonna head back out with Shane, okay?” She kissed Ryan on the cheek. “We love you, Ryan. We’re not going to make you do anything you don’t want to.” Sara disappeared behind the curtain again and Ryan pulled off his jeans, pulling on the overalls.</p><p>The overall were cute, spacious. He could see himself wearing overalls even after he had the baby. Ryan looked at himself in the mirror, turned to make sure he looked good, and nodded with a smile. Yeah this was way better. He pulled open the curtain and stepped out. “What do you think?”</p><p>Shane turned around from where he was looking at a rack of sweatshirts and his face softened. “How’s it feel?”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “Good. It feels good; comfy, cute. It feels like something I could wear even after I have the baby.” He struck a goofy pose, smiling. “I really like these,” he admitted. He shoved his hands in the pockets and shrugged bashfully. “What do you guys think?”</p><p>“I think you look great,” Sara said and Shane nodded in agreement. “But it’s all about how you feel. You like them?” Ryan nodded. “Good. Then we’ll get them.” Sara looked at the clothes in the cart. “Anything else you want to try on?”</p><p>Ryan looked at what they had, muttering a small ‘oof’ as his stomach hit the cart. “I think they all should fit the same as this shirt,” he said. “So probably not.” He looked at the shirts and made sure they were all the same size. “Yeah this should be— oh wait.” Ryan darted back in behind the curtain and pulled on the hoodie. It was a soft pink and it was a little baggy on him. He tugged on the white hood strings to even them out and stood in front of Shane. “This good too?”</p><p>Shane nodded and tugged Ryan close. Ryan’s stomach pressed against Ryan’s and Shane loomed over him. “I think you look great, little guy,” he said, ruffling Ryan’s hair.</p><p>Ryan relaxed into the hug and sighed. He wrapped his arms around Shane’s back and rest his head in the crook of Shane’s neck. “I’m gonna go get changed,” Ryan said after a moment. “Be right back?”</p><p>Shane released him, ruffling his hair again. “Alright.”</p><p>Ryan disappeared into the changing room and came back a moment later. The clothes were folded carefully in his hands and he set them in the cart. “I think I’m good,” he said. “Maybe another hoodie like this one?”</p><p>Shane walked over to the rack and looked through the different colors. He pulled out a soft gray and a white hoodie and added them to the cart. “What about another pair of overalls? You seemed to like those pretty well.”</p><p>Ryan nodded and Shane looked at the size tag of the ones Ryan had put in the cart before walking over to grab them. Ryan and Sara wandered over to the underwear and intimates section and Ryan was staring at the bras. He didn’t want to wear them necessarily but he wanted to be able to provide for Bailey as best he could. He wasn’t going to impede that by wearing sports bras that weren’t made for nursing. These were mostly simple, nudes and neutrals with patterned ones mixed in. Most of them didn’t have underwire which was immediately a point in their favor in Ryan’s opinion.</p><p>“See anything you like?” Sara asked.</p><p>Ryan was staring at the wall of bras. He felt like a deer in headlights. “I don’t know. I’m not sure.” He jumped as Sara set her hand on his arm. “Maybe— Can we come back some other day?” he asked. Sara nodded and Ryan relaxed. “Okay, I don’t— I’m not sure of my bra size anymore and I’m not sure if I want… I probably need them but I’m— I don’t know my size. And I’m not wearing a bra that’s good for measuring today so we can’t—” Ryan cut off.</p><p>“We can come back,” Sara said. “We still have three months before she’s here. We’ve got time.” Sara pushed the cart, turning it around and ran into Shane. “Oops,” she laughed. “Sorry.”</p><p>“I’m a big guy, Sara,” he teased. “I’m not sure how you could miss me.”</p><p>“Well I didn’t, obviously. That’s why the cart is currently hitting your leg.”</p><p>Ryan looked at the clothes in the cart as Sara and Shane bantered back and forth. “I think I’m good for today,” he said, cutting off their chattering. “Can we go back home?”</p><p>Shane nodded. “Yeah of course. No baby shopping today?”</p><p>Ryan shook his head. “You guys can, but I’m gonna head back to the car. My hips are killing me.” Ryan followed Sara and Shane to the checkout counter and zoned out while the cashier scanned the clothes.</p><p>“Did you find everything alright?” she asked, looking between the three of them.</p><p>Shane’s voice murmured in Ryan’s ears but he wasn’t really listening. Hopefully he replied in the affirmative. Shane nudged him at one point with his elbow and Ryan had to rattle off his phone number and email.</p><p>“And your due date?” the cashier asked. “We use it to know which coupons and sales you’d be most interested in at what times.” Her smile was soothing, genuine.</p><p>“June 18th,” Ryan replied.</p><p>“Oh a spring baby,” she replied, “how wonderful. My oldest was a June baby, too. You’ll be glad you’re not pregnant through the summer, that’s for sure.” She scanned the last item and started folding the clothes carefully as she put them in a bag. “There.” She hit total and Ryan looked away. He zoned out. He couldn’t handle listening to the total right now. He’d grab the receipt and look later.</p><p>Shane grabbed the bags and nudged Ryan’s shoulder. “You ready to go little guy?”</p><p>Ryan looked up at him and hummed. “Yeah. Sorry you’re not getting to go baby shopping.”</p><p>Shane looked down at his watch. “We’ve been here for a while. It’s not surprising your hips are hurting.”</p><p>“They’re not really hurting just yet, but they’re starting to ache pretty bad.” Ryan took the bags from Shane’s hands. “Thanks for this,” he said as they walk to the car. “I needed this.” He peered into the bags and saw the receipt sitting in the bottom of the bag and shut the bag abruptly as they approached the car.</p><p>“Ry, you grab the front seat,” Sara said, climbing in back. “I’m good back here.” She sprawled her legs across the back seat and buckled in sideways.</p><p>“How is that even comfortable?” Ryan asked, climbing in his own seat. “Isn’t the seat belt digging in weirdly?”</p><p>Sara shrugged. “Yeah, kinda.” She leaned back and pulled out her phone, playing a game as they drove home.</p><p>Shane’s hand rested comfortingly on Ryan’s thigh as they drove. Ryan was quiet in his seat, his head resting against the window. Shane glanced over at him as he adjusted the seat belt on his chest yet again. “You okay?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Ryan said. “Seat belt’s just digging in.” He set his hand on top of Shane’s and entwined their fingers. Ryan looked over at Shane and watched him until Shane glanced back at him and smiled. Ryan’s cheeks flushed and he turned back to look out the window.</p><p>Shane hummed as he drove, turning to head towards Ryan’s apartment. Ryan smiled as he listened just enjoying the comfort inside the car. Ryan wished it could always be like this.</p><p>Shane pulled in the driveway and parked the car. “You want company?”</p><p>Ryan stopped unbuckling his seat belt and looked up at Shane. “I though you were— was that not the plan?” He settled back in his seat. “Do you want to come in?”</p><p>Shane squeezed Ryan’s hand comfortingly. “I’m not going to invite myself, Ry.”</p><p>“No!” Ryan said quickly. “No, I want you to, I promise. I just thought… that was the plan. I guess I shouldn’t have assumed.” Ryan looked down where his and Shane’s hands were still clasped on his lap.</p><p>“Plans change sometimes,” Shane said and Sara climbed out of the car and headed to the house. “But I’d let you know beforehand if I could. I wouldn’t just say ‘oh by the way not going to your house.’” Shane let go of Ryan’s hand and unclipped Ryan’s seat belt before unbuckling his own. “You ready to head in? I’ll grab the bags.” Shane looked up at Ryan’s front door and laughed. “Someone’s gotta let Sara in.”</p><p>Ryan looked up at Sara. Her arms were crossed and she was staring at the car, tapping her foot. “Yeah, I’ll go let her in,” he said with a smile. Ryan climbed out of the car and walked to the front step to let Sara in and Shane grabbed the shopping bags to follow.</p><p>Shane reached in and grabbed the receipt, shoving it in the center console. He knew Ryan would try and pay them back. It was better to just remove the proof of their spending from his immediate view. He walked to the house where the front door was left open for him. He kicked off his shoes in the doorway and saw Ryan already dropping himself onto the couch. “Feel better?”</p><p>Ryan nodded and held his arms out to Shane. “Come sit with me,” he said with grabby hands.</p><p>Shane laughed and set the bags on the kitchen counter. “You hungry?”</p><p>“We can order pizza or something,” Ryan said, grabby hands still reaching for Shane. “Come sit with me for right now.”</p><p>Shane dropped onto the couch, tossing his leg over the side and laying on Ryan’s lap. “Hey, you,” he said to Ryan’s stomach. He turned his head and kissed Ryan’s bump, laughing when Bailey kicked out at his nose.</p><p>“She really likes you,” Ryan said. “Kicks like crazy any time she can hear you.”</p><p>Shane’s grin softened into a watery smile. “I really like her too,” he whispered. “Ry, you have no idea how happy you guys make me.”</p><p>“Right back atcha, big guy.” Ryan ran his fingers through Shane’s hair and closed his eyes as Shane began to sing.</p><p>Shane was singing softly to his bump, waiting for reactions and grinning wildly when he got them. A kick here, a roll there.</p><p>Sara emerged from the bathroom and sat on the couch, curled up in Ryan’s side. She rested her head on Ryan’s shoulder and pulled her feet up beside her. “She’s already papa’s girl, huh? Shoulda seen that coming,” she murmured. “And then she’s gonna come out, take one look at that dopey face and she’ll either think it’s the funniest thing ever or she’ll be terrified. That’s our chance, Ry. That’s how we turn her to our side.” Shane was still humming, blatantly ignoring Sara.</p><p>Ryan hummed thoughtfully. “Won’t work. All it takes is for her to hear his voice and she’s rolling around and kicking up a storm. An amalgamation of goofy features isn’t going to scare her away.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Shane teased, pausing his singing. “She’s not gonna be a scaredy cat like her dad is.” Shane turned back to Ryan’s stomach. “Are you Bailey?”</p><p>Bailey kicked and Ryan laughed. “That’s cheating! She hasn’t stopped kicking since you sat down!”</p><p>“Nope, she just agrees with me,” Shane laughed. “Dontcha?”</p><p>Sara laughed, her breath warm against Ryan’s arm. Her body was pressed tightly against his, Shane’s curled on his lap, and Bailey was somersaulting inside him. He felt so surrounded by love that he wanted to cry.</p><p>Ryan set his hand on Sara’s thigh and the other on Shane’s chest. “Do you guys wanna stay the night?” His heart was racing; Sara could probably hear it. “We can get some pizza, watch some movies and just have a stress free night together.”</p><p>Sara nodded against his shoulder. “I’m in. Shane?”</p><p>Shane nodded in agreement as he looked up at Ryan. “Yeah, anything,” he said with a tender smile.</p><p>Ryan was really, truly, one hundred percent in love with both of them so much that it hurt. “Love you guys,” he said, far more casually than he felt. If only he could tell them how much and in exactly what way.</p><p>“Love you,” Sara murmured against Ryan’s arm.</p><p>Shane hummed. “I love you too, little guy.”</p><p><em>Oh man</em>, Ryan sighed. He was fucked.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ryan was looking at shelves and shelves of baby clothes. He’d always looked at them longingly when he was in the store, he’d always helped his mother pick out the gifts for baby showers. Now, he was standing there, his hands cradling his stomach, with Shane and Sara at his side.</p><p>Sara was looking over a few cribs, trying to decide which one she liked more. Shane was being less than helpful in helping her make a decision and Ryan was looking around at all the racks of onesies and dresses.</p><p>They were all so tiny. Even the clothes for the older kids— the toddlers and pre-schoolers— they were so small. Ryan wandered away and his hand trailed across a rack of small dresses. The fabric was soft, blues and whites with a splash of pink. Small rosettes dotted the skirt of another one, a bow at the back. Were they a bit ostentatious? Sure, maybe. Was Ryan dreaming of seeing Bailey in small dresses and little overalls and tiny pants? Absolutely.</p><p>Ryan walked down the next aisle, Sara and Shane’s voices drifting over to him. Ryan was humming as he walked, looking over bottles and stuffed animals and toys. How long would it be before she was able to play with things? Until she was able to hold toys with intent rather than reflex? Ryan pulled a small toy off the shelf. It was simple; a small stuffed butterfly with a rattle inside. Instead of a raucous, harsh noise, the rattle sounded almost like a bell rolling around inside. Ryan’s fingers traced the wings that crinkled under his touch.</p><p>“Ry?” Shane peeked his head around the corner. “Oh, there you are. You good?”</p><p>Ryan had been staring at the toy in his hands, imagining how Bailey’s little hand would wrap around it. Shane’s voice so close had pulled him out of it. “Yeah,” he said, smiling. “All good.” He set the toy back on the shelf and walked over to Shane. “You decide on a crib yet?”</p><p>Shane shrugged. “We decided on a bassinet for our room at least for the first few months. We can come back for a crib. Sara wants to do a little more research on her top picks.” Shane walked past Ryan and picked up the toy he’d been playing with. “It’s weird to think that she’ll be able to play with stuff like this in just a few months, huh?”</p><p>“Ten weeks until she’s here,” Ryan said, almost as confirmation. He watched Shane’s fingers flex around the toy, spanning across to crinkle the wings. “Lotta sensory play for kids that young, huh?”</p><p>Shane nodded. “Well, gotta build their brains and their experiences. That’s how they learn.” Shane set the toy back on its shelf. “Besides, if we get toys like this for babies, maybe they’ll get acclimated to white noise and won’t jump at every little crunch of a leaf.” Shane smirked over at Ryan.</p><p>Ryan was indignant. “Hey, fuck you. That place was fucking creepy.” Shane was still teasing him about how jumpy he’d been at their last location. “And it wasn’t a leaf crunch that had me on edge. It was the constant creaking of the house.” That place really was creaky; the windows shuttered, trees creaked all around.</p><p>“Yeah, Ryan. Old houses settle— it’s kinda their thing.” Shane followed Ryan as he walked back to the clothing aisles. Shane reached out and rummaged through a rack of shirts. “Hopefully Bailey won’t be half the scaredy cat you are.”</p><p>Ryan huffed, leaning against the shelving. “I hope she is just so you have to deal with both of us.”</p><p>Shane ducked his head and laughed as he looked through the racks. “I’m sure you’d love that.”</p><p>“I’m gonna read her ghost bedtime stories.”</p><p>Shane snorted. “Wouldn’t that just make her less afraid of them?”</p><p>Ryan shook his head. “Nope. Gonna make them extra creepy.”</p><p>“You’re gonna try to traumatize our daughter is what you’re saying?”</p><p>Ryan laughed. “Well it sounds bad when you put it like that!” He pulled an outfit off the rack and looked at it. It was so hard to believe that she’d fit in this— sometimes that she was so tiny, and sometimes that Ryan was growing something that big. Ryan draped it over the handle of the shopping cart and stared at it.</p><p>Baby clothes were so interesting. They really were only meant to keep the baby warm— really wasn’t that the point of all clothes?— but looking at some of the clothes around them, Ryan couldn’t help but feel like some people went overboard on their baby’s fashion. They were just going to puke or poop on it, why would you dress a newborn in lace and ruffles? Ryan couldn’t help but look at some of the dresses though and want that exact thing. Not the ruffles so much, but the image of a little dark haired baby in a pastel colored dress had him pining for the day she arrived.</p><p>He dreaded it all the same. Ryan knew the deadline was fast approaching and soon, Sara and Shane’s affections would shift from Ryan and Bailey to only Bailey. Ryan got it, he understood. Bailey was their baby; she’d need more love and care, affection, attention. Ryan’s heart raced at the thought of being cast aside.</p><p>Ryan knew it was irrational. He knew Sara and Shane were still his best friends no matter what, but between the baby and starting a business and getting Steven on board, Ryan was tired. He was exhausted. And his exhausted, illogical brain was coming up with all these debilitating thoughts. Ryan hung the outfit back up on the rack and walked over to where Sara was looking at diaper bags.</p><p>Sara looked over at him, a lock of hair that had tenuously been held back with a hair tie falling out of place. “Hey, what do you think?” she asked, motioning to the diaper bags in front of her.</p><p>Ryan surveyed the shelf. There were so many diaper bags, so many colors and patterns. One stuck out to him immediately though. “That one,” he said, pointing at a backpack. “I think it’d be easier to carry a pack on both shoulders and have both arms to carry the baby than to try and balance it on one shoulder or have a strap across your chest.”</p><p>“A perfect argument.” Sara reached out and grabbed the diaper bag, tossing it on the handle of the cart to get a closer look. It was gray and lime green, a place for baby wipes right on the outside. There were pockets of different sizes, a thermal-lined pocket to keep the bottles warm. Looking at the diaper bag closer, it was even more perfect than Ryan had originally thought. “Have you picked anything out?” Sara asked him, glancing over for his answer.</p><p>Ryan shook his head. “No, not yet.”</p><p>“You can, you know, especially if it’s clothes or blankets or something— things we’ll need extras of anyway? You don’t need to get second opinions on those. Just grab whatever.”</p><p>Ryan nodded but stayed close to Sara anyway as she pushed the cart. A man gave him a dirty look as he passed and Ryan’s body curled in on himself. His hands moved from his stomach to shove deep in his pockets.</p><p>Sara looked back at him to ask him a question but his face had fallen. He was staring off across the store to look at something, but Sara couldn’t parse what. “You okay?”</p><p>Ryan jerked his attention back to Sara. “Yeah, of course,” he said quickly and Sara pursed her lips.</p><p>“We’ll talk about that later,” she said, reaching for a couple baby books. “Which one looks better, do you think?”</p><p>Ryan pointed to one with a simple white cover. It had small black and gold polkadots on it and a frame for a photo on the front. “That one.”</p><p>Sara hummed and set it in the cart. “Simple but cute.” She kept walking and Ryan followed. “We’re not getting much now. I figure family and friends will probably send gifts and things in the next couple months and then we can see what we need from there.”</p><p>“Should you get a car seat now?” Ryan looked at the shelf of car seats. “Just— you know, get one you know you’ll like and will fit in the car.”</p><p>“Shane’s thinking of selling in his car and buying something bigger,” Sara said, “so size won’t be much of a factor. But I think my parents are getting one for us.” She walked toward the car seats and started looking through them. “It wouldn’t hurt to tell them what we’re looking for though, would it?”</p><p>Ryan was looking at the car seats but he wasn’t really seeing. He held on to the edge of the shelf and squatted down, trying to stretch his hips. He rocked forward and had to catch himself.</p><p>Sara was right by his side, her hand on his shoulder. “You good?”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “Aching hips again,” he said. “I’m fine.” He bounced in place a bit before standing back up. His hands went back to his bump until he thought of that man glaring at him. “Just needed to stretch them.”</p><p>Sara nodded and her hand rest on his hip, leaning in to kiss his cheek. “You wanna head out?”</p><p>Ryan smiled at her. She and Shane were always so careful with him, worrying about him over-exerting himself. “No, I’m alright,” he said. “They’re a bit better now, promise.”</p><p>Shane came around the shelf and set a few clothing items in the cart. “What are we promising?”</p><p>“That my hips are fine. Just needed to stretch them.”</p><p>Shane nodded and Sara looked over the items he’d set in the cart. “You should try yoga,” she said offhandedly. “It’s light exercise so you don’t have to worry about over-exerting yourself and it’ll help you stretch and keep limber.” Sara winked at him following that last statement and Ryan flushed. “Plus there’s pregnancy yoga with modified positions so you don’t have to worry about falling.”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “Yeah, I’ll think about it.”</p><p>“I think it could be good for you,” Sara said, leaning against the cart. “I’ve got a couple yoga mats in the garage; we could just do it at home, you and me. We’ll queue up some videos on the tv or something and do some yoga every morning.”</p><p>Shane laughed. “Yeah, you’re going to get Ryan up earlier than we already try to for yoga? And are you going to go to his apartment and get him out of bed for it?”</p><p>“I could!” Sara said. “Or…”</p><p>“Or?” Ryan asked.</p><p>“You can move in with us until the baby gets here,” Sara said. “Full time, every day. Shane and I have talked about it of course but it just— We’ll get to spend time with you every day and you can get some more rest. You won’t have to worry about cooking for yourself if you don’t want to, don’t have to worry about groceries.” Sara took Ryan’s hands in hers. “It’s all your decision, obviously— we won’t make you do anything you don’t want to— but we’d really like it for you.”</p><p>“And you know,” Shane interjected, “goodness forbid if something were to happen to you, Sara or I would already be right there.”</p><p>Ryan rocked in place, looking away for a moment. “I mean, I—”</p><p>“Don’t feel like we’re forcing you to,” Shane said quickly.</p><p>“No, god no,” Sara added. “No, we just… you know, if you want to.”</p><p>Ryan did want to. He really wanted to. He wanted to move in and never leave. “I— yeah. I mean, my lease is up next month and I’ll have to go back and renew it at some point, but yeah. I’ll move in for a bit.” Ryan’s heart was racing in his chest.</p><p>Sara looked at Shane and raised her eyebrows. They were having a silent conversation between them and Ryan wasn’t really sure how to translate. “We can— you can move in permanently if you want,” Sara said. “You know, instead of renewing your lease?”</p><p>Ryan’s heart went from racing to stopping completely. “I— why would you want me there?” Ryan asked.</p><p>“Why wouldn’t we?” Sara said. “And how’s that different than what we’re already doing? We spend all our time together and the three of us are just… spending our time between two places. Doesn’t it make sense to move in?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Ryan agreed quietly. “It makes sense.” Ryan’s hand fiddled with the soft fabric of the display car seat next to him. “Can I think on it? The permanency part, I’m on board for the rest of my pregnancy at least.”</p><p>Shane nodded. “Yeah, of course. We’ll help you move whatever you want at our place for now.”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “Do I have to stay in the spare room?” he asked. His voice was soft and wavering. “I don’t— I’ve had nightmares the last three times I stayed in there.” Shane and Sara frowned at that, but Ryan continued. “I feel like you guys ward them away, like dreamcatchers or something.”</p><p>“Personal dreamcatcher,” Shane said. “I’ll add it to my business card.” He laughed.</p><p>Ryan relaxed. “Yeah, you do that.” He nudged Shane’s side as he walked past him. Ryan stopped and waited for one of the other two to lead the way and he followed behind Sara as she passed them. “You guys really don’t think you’ll get sick of me?”</p><p>“We haven’t yet,” Shane said. “That seems like a pretty solid test if you ask me. Good evidence.” Shane paused to look at a small stuffed bear. “Man, these toys have nothing on a Bigfoot stuffed animal, huh?”</p><p>Ryan laughed, his body relaxing even more. “Well not every kid will be as cool as ours,” he said. “It’s only fair that not every kid gets a Bigfoot stuffie. She’ll be blessed by the ‘Foot.”</p><p>Shane looked at him with such a look of fondness that it made his chest ache. “No kid could be cool as ours,” he agreed. “She’ll be way cooler than any of us.”</p><p>“Oh yeah,” Sara added from in front of them. “No way I’ll let her be as lame as you two nerds.”</p><p>Ryan snickered and Shane looked at Sara, his face in mock offense. “Ma’am I assure you, I’m way less lame than Scaredy Cat Bergara here.”</p><p>Ryan’s face mirrored Shane’s, his offense slightly more real. “Hey, fuck you man.” He laughed. “You had a show about telling the truth about historical events. You thought you had to get the ‘real facts’ out there because there were misconceptions about things no one knew about in the first place. How’s that less lame than me?”</p><p>“I don’t believe in ghosts,” Shane said simply. Ryan shoved him and Shane rocked in place, looking down at Ryan with a grin. “That all you got, short stack?”</p><p>Ryan rolled his eyes and walked to catch up with Sara. “Whatever. Fuck you dude.”</p><p>Shane followed Ryan with a grin, wrapping his arms around Ryan’s midsection when they stopped because Sara was looking at something. “I love you,” he said singsonging.</p><p>Ryan batted him away laughing. “Oh I’m sure. That’s why you’re so mean to me.”</p><p>“Of course. If I didn’t like you, I wouldn’t bother you at all.” Shane grinned, thinking of how often he bothered Ryan about everything.</p><p>“Guess you like me a lot,” Ryan teased, looking earnestly up at Shane’s face.</p><p>“Wouldn’t spend all of my time with you if I didn’t.” Shane smiled bashfully and walked off, leaving Ryan blushing.</p><p>Ryan followed Sara, his face still flushed as they went through checkout and brought everything to the car. Shane leaned on the top of the car and looked across to Ryan. “Where to next?”</p><p>Ryan’s eyes widened. “Wait, why am I the one in charge now?”</p><p>Shane shrugged. “Why not?”</p><p>Ryan bit his lip as he thought. “Home?"</p><p>“Our place or your apartment?” Sara asked, opening Ryan’s door to usher him in the car.</p><p>“My place so I can pick some stuff up? I could move in shifts instead of all at once.” Ryan sat in the driver’s seat and shifted the seat back. “Some clothes, shoes, Paddington.”</p><p>Shane climbed in the passenger seat and buckled up. “We can pack whatever you want. Sara and I will be your moving men.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Sara agreed sarcastically. “I sure haven’t gotten sick of moving this year.”</p><p>Shane snorted from his seat. “We moved once.”</p><p>“Yeah, but we had to acclimate Obi to everything and clean out our entire apartment and then figure out where to set everything up. That shit’s hard."</p><p>Ryan shifted in his seat. “I don’t want to make things rougher for you guys.” He backed out of his parking space and started driving home. “I’m sure I can do it myself. If not, I’ve got my family— dad and Jake would probably help.”</p><p>“We’ll have to add on another room already,” Shane said somberly. “We’ll need somewhere to store Ryan’s shoe collection.”</p><p>Ryan reached over and slapped Shane’s chest, making him wheeze laughing. “Fuck you man. It’s not that big a collection. At least it’s not something weird like fucking… butterflies. Shoes are useful.”</p><p>Shane looked over at Ryan and smiled. “Yeah and I’m sure Obi will love curling up on them to sleep.”</p><p>Ryan shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Whatever floats his boat. I just wouldn’t let him near the baby’s things. That shit terrifies me.” He paused as he turned off onto a side road. “Have you guys ever heard those stories? Cats accidentally suffocating babies because they lay on them for warmth or something? I don’t know if it’s common or true but just the thought freaks me out.”</p><p>“See,” Shane said, “that’s a valid fear. At least there’s something real to be scared of and not just the air.”</p><p>“Fuck you!” Ryan cried laughing.</p><p>“A branch scraping a window, an old house settling.”</p><p>Sara was laughing from the back seat. “Don’t worry about that Ry. If you don’t want your room, that’s the one we’re going to use as the nursery. She’ll be in our room for a while anyway, that way we can all get to her quickly in the middle of the night when she’s waking up every few hours.” She leaned forward, sticking her head between the two front seats. “Hence why we got a bassinet today. She can use that for the first few months, at least.”</p><p>Ryan drove home, thinking about what he needed to pack. What did he even have to pack things in? His suitcase could fit some of his clothes. He probably had a few duffel bags. He’d need clothes, of course. He’d need… Ryan promptly forgot everything he used on a regular basis. He’d have to walk around the house.</p><p>Ryan pulled the car into the driveway to his apartment and parked it. He leaned back against the seat and looked over to Shane. “I’ll probably be a while. You guys head home; I’ll grab an Uber or something.”</p><p>Shane and Sara were both unbuckling their seat belts. “Nah, we’ll come in with you,” Shane said, opening his door.</p><p>Ryan opened his door and climbed out. “Don’t you have better things to do than help me figure out what I need?”</p><p>“Better things to do than spend time with you? No way, man.” Shane beat Ryan and Sara to the door and leaned against it until Ryan got there to unlock it. “Took you long enough,” Shane teased.</p><p>“Dude, shut up,” Ryan said laughing. He opened the door and flicked on the light switch in the entry way. Ryan squatted down to untie his shoes and slip them off while Shane and Sara just kicked theirs off.</p><p>“You know,” Sara started, “it’d take less time if you’d just kick them off with your feet.”</p><p>Ryan looked up from his sneakers, wobbling in place. “I’m not going to ruin my shoes like that.” He raised his eyebrow at them and continued untying his shoes. Ryan staggered as he stood up, his belly pulling him forward.</p><p>Shane caught his arm as he swayed and helped him upright. “You good?”</p><p>Ryan smiled at him bashfully. “Yeah, sorry. Lemme— I’m gonna go to my room and start figuring things out to pack. Can you guys figure out like— bathroom items? I can’t think of much besides my hair stuff. You still have my toothbrush over there, right?” Sara nodded and Ryan mirrored her. “Okay, yeah. You guys start there; I’ll be in my room.” Ryan disappeared down the hall and Sara and Shane walked to the bathroom.</p><p>Shane sat on the toilet seat and looked around the bathroom. “I’m not sure how much more he’d need in here than his hair care. Maybe his shampoo and conditioner, his soaps?— You know, just in case he doesn’t want to use ours or something.”</p><p>“He’s used it before,” Sara pointed out.</p><p>“Yeah, but it’s different doing it once in a while and doing it every day or two.”</p><p>Sara sat on the floor in front of the sink and opened the cabinet underneath. “Yeah, that’s true. We’ll pack it and if he doesn’t want it, at least he has it.” She rummaged under Ryan’s sink and pulled out a handful of pregnancy tests, frowning. She rooted through them; negative, negative, negative, positive, negative, negative— were most of these negative? She looked at them and laid them out. Seven negatives and one positive test hidden under his sink. “Was he terrorizing himself with these…?” she asked quietly. “Did you know?”</p><p>Shane looked at the tests and frowned, shaking his head. He picked one up and stared at it. The test was very clearly negative. They all were, save the one positive. Ryan was moving around in the bedroom next door and Shane swept all the tests in his hand. “I’m gonna go talk to him.” He walked to the next room and opened the bedroom door. “Hey, Ry?”</p><p>Ryan was rummaging through his closet, pulling out shirts and folding them carefully. “What’s up?”</p><p>Shane held out the tests. “Ry, what’s this all about?” His voice was soft but worried.</p><p>Ryan turned around and saw the tests. His face flushed red. “That’s nothing.”</p><p>“Ryan.”</p><p>Ryan sat on the edge of the bed, his shirt forgotten in his lap. He stared at the floor just behind Shane. “I just wanted to… I needed to know.”</p><p>“Why’d you keep them all though?” Shane walked over and sat on the edge of the bed with Ryan, resting his hand on Ryan’s thigh. “You can talk to me.”</p><p>Ryan sighed and pulled his feet up on the bed, sitting cross legged. “It seems stupid now.” He locked his fingers below his belly, cradling Bailey in his arms. “I just wanted so badly and I’d heard of people still having their period while pregnant and I knew it was dumb and wasteful to keep taking them but it was just a nagging thought and I couldn’t get rid of it until I knew for sure.”</p><p>“Sara thinks you kept them all to punish yourself,” Shane said gently. “Is she right?”</p><p>Ryan shrugged. “Maybe, kinda.” He sighed and took them all from Shane’s hand, looking at them one by one. “It was partially because it was part of the journey, you know? But mostly it was— yeah, it was to punish myself, I guess.” He pulled out the one positive test, set it on his suitcase and stood up. “Every time I’d take a test or every time I felt like shit, I’d line these up and look at them. It wasn’t healthy— it’s still not healthy— but it was one of those things that would send me into a spiral until I’d cry and then I’d get it out of my system and I’d move on.” Ryan dumped the tests in the garbage can in the corner of his room. “The positive got thrown there after. It wasn’t under there for a while.”</p><p>Shane remembers seeing the test on the couch the day he came home early from the office. It must have joined the negatives shortly thereafter. “Thank you for telling me,” he said as Ryan stood in front of him at the end of the bed. His hands came up to rest on Ryan’s hips. “No shame now, okay? No worrying about negative tests or disappointing Sara and I, alright? You could <em>never</em> do that.”</p><p>Ryan braced himself on Shane’s shoulders. “Yeah, alright.” Ryan sat on Shane’s knee and curled into his chest for a hug, needing the comfort. It had been a while since he’d seen those tests and seeing all of them again dredged up those dark, loathing thoughts. “It was stupid at the time and I knew that but I couldn’t… I couldn’t stop taking them. I needed to know.” He kissed the side of Shane’s neck and sighed before standing up. He started folding clothes again and stacked them neatly in his suitcase. “The only month I didn’t take one was right before I got the positive test. I’d just completely… I think I’d finally gotten myself to realize that I shouldn’t be taking them until I started showing symptoms and then the next month, I was right back at it. Got a positive though,” he trailed off.</p><p>Shane grabbed a shirt Ryan had tossed on the bed and started folding it. “How come you never told Sara and I that you were taking tests?”</p><p>“Didn’t want to disappoint you when they ended up negative. If I told you I was taking them and they ended up negative, I’d be disappointing all of us, but if I didn’t tell you and they were negative, I was only disappointing myself. It seemed easier that way.”</p><p>“But it’s not fair to put all that pressure on yourself, Ry. You can talk to Sara and I about anything.”</p><p>Ryan looked down at the shirt he was folding and unfolded it. The fold job wasn’t right. “Yeah, I know.” He looked at that stupid shirt and refolded it. “I just— I didn’t at the time.”</p><p>Shane looked at the clothes Ryan had in his suitcase and walked over to Ryan’s dresser. “What do you want for pants?” he asked, opening the bottom drawer.</p><p>“Just grab whatever,” he said. “It’s not like they fit me anyway.”</p><p>Shane snorted and grabbed out a few pairs, packing them into the suitcase. “Do you like how the belly band thing works?” They’d ended up buying another one shortly after, so Shane assumed…</p><p>“Yeah, it’s pretty good,” Ryan said. “I’m glad we found those button extender things though— the ones that clip on near the zipper? I think I like those more.”</p><p>Shane nodded and walked back to Ryan’s drawer, opening the next one up. “T-shirts?”</p><p>“A few.” Ryan walked back to the closet and grabbed another sweater to fold and Shane took a handful of t-shirts back to the bed.</p><p>Shane walked back to the dresser and opened up the top drawer— socks and underwear.</p><p>“Wait don’t move—!”</p><p>And apparently sex toys. Shane had moved some socks aside, stacking them on the dresser top to carry them to the suitcase and revealed Ryan’s secret stash of toys. Shane smirked, looking over at Ryan whose face was bright red.</p><p>“—those,” he finished weakly. Ryan’s gaze was drawn to the suitcase where he was stuffing clothes in, avoiding Shane’s grin.</p><p>“How long have you had this one?” Shane asked, pulling out a sizable dildo.</p><p>“Since we started all of this,” Ryan said, snatching the dildo away from Shane and stuffing it in the bottom of his suitcase. “The weekend after our first time.” He was embarrassed and his voice sounded short, almost angry.</p><p>Shane pushed the other toys back under the sock and underwear that had covered them. “Hey, I was just teasing, you know that, right? I mean, you’ve seen mine and Sara’s sex toys; we can’t exactly judge.”</p><p>“No, I know,” Ryan said. “I’m just being stupid.” The flush had left his cheeks but the tips of his ears were still red. “It’s just embarrassing.”</p><p>“That you have sex toys?”</p><p>“That I got sex toys to try and match your size,” Ryan corrected, “and that you found them. Before that, I had maybe one small vibrator that was honestly the worst thing ever. Hated that thing. All of those are from the last year and a half because I was trying to recreate what you and Sara make me feel but on my own.” Ryan laughed wryly. “Didn’t really work.”</p><p>It was now Shane’s turn to blush. “Oh.”</p><p>“So there’s all my cards,” Ryan said, “laid out right on the table for you to see.” He grabbed socks and underwear, packed the toys beneath them in the bag, and stacked another sweater on top of it all. He zipped the suitcase and hauled it off the bed, wincing at the sudden strain on his back as he moved.</p><p>Shane took the suitcase from Ryan and set it by the door. “I’m not picking on you, Ry. Not this time. It’s kinda sweet,” he said with a wistful smile on his face.</p><p>“What’s sweet?” Ryan asked. “The fact that I’m so needy that I bought toys to try and emulate you?” Shane waggled his eyebrows and Ryan groaned, going back to his closet. He pulled out a duffle bag. “Just for that, you get to pack the work stuff from my desk.” He threw the bag at Shane and it hit him square in the chest.”</p><p>“I’ll go do that then,” Shane said, his eyes twinkling mischievously. “What are you going to be up to in here?” His voice sounded normal but Ryan could feel the underlying suggestion beneath it.</p><p>“Get out,” Ryan said, pushing Shane towards the door. “I need to figure out what shoes to bring right now.”</p><p>Shane snickered and allowed himself to be pushed out the door. He walked down to Ryan’s office space in the living room and set the duffle bag on the chair. Ryan had books and papers, printouts and articles, flash drives. There was a little bit of everything and it was strewn all over the desk. One glance at most of them and the same name kept popping up— it must be True Crime research.</p><p>Shane sorted through the articles and paper clipped articles together. Ryan hadn’t stapled anything and his articles were all missing together. Shane took the paper clipped articles and found a folder to push them into. Hopefully that would allow them to last a little longer than just tossing them in the duffle.</p><p>He sorted through the books next. He knew Ryan was obsessive about his research, always ensuring that his work was the highest quality and the most accurate and detailed it could possibly be. Shane stacked the books carefully at the bottom of the duffle bag, and used it as a solid bottom. Hopefully that would be helpful. A side pocket became the new home of a bunch of flash drive and finally, Shane was left with a bunch of random printouts that weren’t True Crime research.</p><p>It was all pregnancy research.</p><p>Shane pushed the duffel bag to the ground and sank into the chair, looking over some of the articles. Some were about loss, others about vanishing twin syndrome, some were about both, dealing with the grief and trauma that came after. Shane sighed. Ryan had been feeling like shit to start with and then he’d gotten himself reading about other people’s stories. That had to have made things worse, right?</p><p>Shane looked through the comments on the article that Ryan had printed out and he looked at the information highlighted pink. Every paragraph highlighted pink was a story about a healthy pregnancy, a viable birth of the surviving twin. Shane swallowed. This had been Ryan’s hope that everything would be alright, not his need to punish himself. Shane paper clipped them together and set them on top of the pile. He didn’t think Ryan would need it, but better safe than sorry. Besides, it <em>was</em> on his desk.</p><p>Shane packed up Ryan’s spare laptop charger and zipped the bag closed. The desk was clean and it really hadn’t taken him all that long to do it. Sara had come out of the bathroom and was rooting through the fridge and cupboards, taking out any perishable foods.</p><p>“Shane,” she said, grabbing his attention. “Do you think you can find some sort of box or something to put these in? It probably should’t all be left here to spoil.”</p><p>Shane nodded and started looking around for a box. He rapped on Ryan’s door with his knuckles and Ryan, who had been talking inside, stopped abruptly and walked over to open the door. “Hey,” Shane said, “do you have any boxes? Sara wants to pack up some of your perishable foods.”</p><p>Ryan paused. “I don’t— I don’t know.” He scratched at his neck. “I might have a plastic tote.” He pressed a button on his phone and tossed it on the bed. He opened his closet door again and pulled out a tote, carrying it to his bed.</p><p>Shane tugged it open and looked at a pile of packed away clothing.</p><p>“You can just… dump those on the bed or something. I’ll pick them up later.” Ryan snagged his phone off the bed and cradled it in his hands.</p><p>“What were you doing?” Shane asked curiously. He was pulling clothes out of the tote and stacking them neatly on the bed.</p><p>“Oh I was just… talking to Bailey, recording a video.” He glanced down at the screen of his phone. His thumb was rubbing the screen anxiously.“Seemed like an important thing to record…moving. Moving in with you and Sara. I think… If you guys still want me, I think I’ll move out of this place completely. Let my lease run out.” Ryan finally looked up at Shane. “But you guys have to tell me if you don’t want me there, promise?”</p><p>Shane pulled Ryan into his arms. “Of course we’ll want you there.”</p><p>Ryan set his head on Shane’s shoulder and wrapped his arms around Shane’s back, holding on tightly. “You gotta promise.”</p><p>Shane huffed a laugh against Ryan’s hair. “Yeah, I promise.”</p><p>Ryan hummed and waited for Shane to break the hug first. It wasn’t until Bailey started kicking out between them, angry that she was being squished, that Shane pulled back.</p><p>“Feisty,” he teased, resting his hand on Ryan’s stomach before finishing unpacking the tote. “I’m going to bring this to Sara. Do you want any help in here?”</p><p>Ryan shook his head and motioned to another suitcase on the bed. “Nah, got my shoes packed up.”</p><p>“No way that’s all your shoes,” Shane joked, laughing.</p><p>Ryan laughed. “No, it’s just the ones I’m taking with me right now. Favorites, most worn— those kind of shoes. Now we have to hurry up because they’re getting squished in there,” he said with a pout. “No, but really, I’m ready to go.” He grabbed Paddington and cradled him under one arm, hoisting the suitcase off the bed. He winced as something in his back twinged and he was glad Shane was looking between the bed and the tote. Had Shane seen it, he’d insist Ryan take it easy. “I’m going to bring this by the door.”</p><p>Shane grabbed the empty tote and dropped it at his side. “Yeah, this is all empty.”</p><p>Ryan carried the suitcase over and set it by the front door before joining Sara in the kitchen. Sara was in front of the fridge, pulling out the milk and packing it in the bottom of the tote. Ryan walked over to the cupboard and started pulling out things like cereal and chips— things that would go stale. He pushed himself up on his toes and grabbed a package of cookies that had been pushed far back. He grabbed a cookie and shoved it in his mouth, setting the rest of the pack in the tote.</p><p>Ryan pushed back up on his toes to search for anything else that should come off the top shelf and squeaked as Shane set his hands on Ryan’s hips. “Asshole,” he said, muffled around a mouthful of cookies. Shane reached past him and grabbed another package of cookies against the back of the top shelf. “I could have gotten that myself, you know.” He snagged the cookies from Shane’s hand and opened the package, grabbing another cookie and snapping it closed before Shane could grab one. “Not for you.”</p><p>Shane pulled his hand back and held it to his chest. “Not going to share with me? The father of your child?”</p><p>“No,” Ryan said simply. “I’m the dad, Sara’s the mom, and you’ve been voted out.” Ryan handed the cookies to a laughing Sara. “Here, Sare, you can have some.”</p><p>Sara opened the cookies and grabbed a cookie out, sticking her tongue out at Shane. “Ha ha,” she laughed, “I get a cookie and you don’t.”</p><p>Shane lunged at Sara and grabbed her hand with the cookie, shoving it in his own mouth and taking a bite. Sara was pinned to the floor beneath Shane and she was squealing. Shane’s hand wrapped around both her wrists and his other moved down to tickle her side.</p><p>“Shane, stop!” she shrieked, her face red. She was trying to writhe away from his hands as he tickled her relentlessly. She was nearly breathless already. Shane released her from his hands and stepped back, his own face red. “You’re an asshole.” She was still laughing, her chest heaving.</p><p>Shane stepped back and turned his attention to Ryan. Ryan backed up against the counter and his eyes grew wide. If Shane started tickling him, there was a ninety percent chance of him pissing himself. Ryan told him as much.</p><p>“I <em>will</em> piss myself,” Ryan said, “if you start tickling me.”</p><p>A devilish grin crossed Shane’s face and Ryan’s eyes opened wide. “You’re on linoleum.”</p><p>Ryan squeaked in surprise. He pushed himself up on the counter and straightened his legs, a weak attempt to keep Shane back.</p><p>Shane laughed and stopped moving towards Ryan once Ryan’s feet pressed against his chest. He grabbed Ryan’s shins and tugged on them, watching Ryan’s eyes go wide. “C’mon Ry. I wouldn’t do that to you.”</p><p>“Yes you would,” Ryan retorted.</p><p>Shane spread Ryan’s legs and stepped between them, wrapping Ryan’s legs around his waist. “Yeah but not right before we have to leave. I’m an asshole but I’m not <em>that</em> much of an asshole.”</p><p>Ryan stared at him deadpan. “You are to me.”</p><p>Shane laughed and took Ryan’s hands in his. “Yeah, only to you,” he teased. He pulled Ryan flush against him and cradled Ryan’s cheek in his hand. Ryan’s face broke into a grin and Shane pulled him close, his lips ghosting over Ryan’s. “Ready to go home?” he whispered.</p><p>Sara appeared just beyond Shane’s arm and she winked at him with a gentle smile. “Let’s go home, Ryan.”</p><p>Ryan nodded and closed the gap between his and Shane’s lips. It was soft and Ryan poured all the love into it that he could. He eased back from the kiss and looked at Shane. “You know, I’ve never been fucked on a counter before.”</p><p>Shane laughed, his eyes crinkling. “We’ve got plenty of counter space at home,” he promised. “I’ll show you sometime.”</p><p>Ryan laughed and screeched as Shane pulled him off the counter. Shane set him on the ground and steadied him, laughing. Ryan pulled Sara into them, hugging them both. His face was pressed down against Sara’s hair. “Let’s go home,” he said. He pulled back and grabbed his work bag from the floor and slung it over his shoulder.</p><p>Shane was quick to grab the tote of food and carry it out the door to the car. Sara followed, rolling Ryan’s suitcases and Ryan brought up the rear. He’d grabbed his duffel bag of office supplies and his work bag. Ryan looked around the apartment for a moment, half expecting it to start looking different already. But it didn’t.</p><p>The ride to Shane and Sara’s house was quiet but charged with nervous energy, at least from Ryan. He should be used to moving; he’d moved back and forth during college, he’d moved apartments a few times, but this felt different. It felt bigger. Shane pulled up to the house and parked the car inside the garage for once and helped Ryan carry in his bags. Ryan walked in the house and set his work bag over by the office. It felt weird, different.</p><p>Obi ran over and wrapped himself around Ryan’s legs. Ryan squatted down and scooped him up, resting him on his belly. “Hey buddy,” he crooned.</p><p>Shane watched them for a bit, smiling. “Hey, you’re not snotting up,” he noticed.</p><p>Ryan looked down at Obi, rubbing his furry face all over Ryan’s cheek. “Yeah, I don’t— maybe being around him so often helped my immune system figure its shit out? I’m not sure; I’ve heard of people developing allergies while pregnant but I don’t think I’ve heard of anyone getting over them.” Obi struggled in Ryan’s grip and Ryan let him jump down to the floor. “It means he can come back in the bedroom though,” Ryan said.</p><p>Ryan looked around and rubbed his bump. Bailey was being fairly quiet today. She’d kicked a few times but overall, she was far less active than usual. It was making Ryan’s anxiety skyrocket.</p><p>“What just happened there, Ryan?” Sara asked. “Your face changed."</p><p>Ryan shook his head. “It’s nothing,” he lied. He walked over to the window and watched the sun setting. The sky was bright; yellows and oranges fading into a soft purple. He cradled his bump in his arms, quietly begging Bailey to move.</p><p>“I’m ordering a pizza,” Shane said. “What do you guys want?”</p><p>Sara glanced over to Shane. “Anything’s fine,” she said, looking back at Ryan. She was trying to figure out where his mind was. Her hands rested on Ryan’s hips and she looked around his arm at the sunset. “Hey.”</p><p>Ryan looked over at her and smiled. “Hey.”</p><p>“What’re you thinking about? You got serious there for a second.”</p><p>Ryan sighed, looking out the window. His hand mindlessly rubbed his bump. “Bailey’s been pretty calm today. She kicked once earlier when Shane and I were squishing her but she— I was just getting too far in my head. I’m alright.”</p><p>Sara hummed and moved in front of Ryan, setting her hand alongside his. “Maybe she’s just starting to run out of room in there. She’s okay, Ryan, I’m sure of it.” As she said it, there was a little flutter against their hands. “See? There she is.”</p><p>Ryan’s face was finally calm and relaxed. “Yeah, there she is,” he repeated. “She’s usually a lot more active. I guess I just got freaked a bit.” Ryan was rocking back and forth gently, swaying his hips. “We did walk a lot today. Maybe she was just asleep.”</p><p>“Could be,” Sara said. She set her hand on top of Ryan’s and squeezed gently. Just feeling Bailey move had immediately calmed Ryan. He was tired, Sara could see it in his eyes, but Bailey had relaxed him enough where he could probably sleep tonight. “You gonna be okay?”</p><p>Ryan nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”</p><p>Sara nodded. “I’ll go take care of some of your stuff, okay? Get your clothes in the dresser, find a place for all your ridiculous shoes,” she teased. “I’ll be up in our room.” She kissed his cheek and snagged his bags, walking up the stairs.</p><p>Ryan walked around the house and looked at things, just…things. He looked at Shane’s paperwork on the counter. He looked at Sara’s sketchbook cover. He’d love to look through it some time but he knew those things were private. He traced a sticker on the front cover and moved on, looking at other clutter on the counter.</p><p>Ryan had been here dozens, maybe hundreds of times, but looking around felt like he was seeing things for the first time. This was his home now too.</p><p>The doorbell rang and Ryan walked over and answered it, grabbing the pizza and wings. He snagged his wallet from his work bag and handed the kid some cash. “Thank you,” he said.</p><p>The kid looked at his tip. “No, thank you!”</p><p>Ryan saw the smile on his face as he turned around. He was probably stressed having to deliver pizzas all day and Ryan was glad his tip was enough to help him even that little bit. Ryan opened the pizza box and dug in. He was starving. He leaned back against the counter and shoved the pizza in his mouth. He hadn’t realized how hungry he was until now. He was also fucking exhausted.</p><p>Ryan ate mindlessly. Shane walked in and laughed at him, staring off into nothing and eating pizza.</p><p>“You good?” Shane asked, grabbing his own slices. “You look tired.”</p><p>“I am,” Ryan said. “I’m about to go pass out on the couch.”</p><p>Shane laughed, stepping into Ryan’s space. His thumb brushed just below Ryan’s lip and he stuck it in his mouth. “Pizza sauce,” he said lowly.</p><p>Ryan smiled up at him. “I don’t know why I’m so tired. It’s like, what? 8 pm?”</p><p>“Growing humans is hard work, I’m told. And you didn’t have a nap today,” Shane pointed out.</p><p>“Oh,” Ryan breathed. “No, I didn’t.” Ryan reached over and grabbed another slice of pizza. “I need my naps.”</p><p>Shane laughed. “Just— when you’re done eating, go up to bed. Sara and I will be up in a little while.” He grabbed a napkin off the roll on the counter and wiped Ryan’s face again where there was more sauce. “Getting me ready for the fathering role already, huh? Should we have bought some bibs today?”</p><p>Ryan’s cheeks flushed pink. “Shut the fuck up,” he said with fondness dripping from his voice. He looked at Shane and smiled. “You’re really gonna be a great dad, you know.”</p><p>Shane’s cheeks flushed. “You think?”</p><p>“I know,” Ryan replied. He set the second half of his pizza slice back in the box and closed it. He yawned right in Shane’s face, giggling at how unimpressed Shane looked. “I’m gonna go sleep, I think.” He stretched, his shirt riding up on his bump, and tapped Shane’s shoulder before walking up the stairs.</p><p>He changed quickly, pulling on one of Shane’s over-sized shirts and climbing under the sheets. Ryan curled up on his side, tossing and turning but he couldn’t get comfortable. He was so tired but he just couldn’t sleep. Obi crawled up on the bed beside him and Ryan curled his arm around Obi snuggling in.</p><p>Footsteps came up the stairs and Shane walked through to the bathroom, turning on the light in there as he brushed his teeth.</p><p>“I’m still awake,” Ryan grumbled. “You could’ve turned on the light in here.”</p><p>“You’re supposed to be sleeping,” Shane whispered, squatting down beside the bed to look at Ryan. He brushed back Ryan’s hair and smiled at Ryan’s dopey, tired smile. Kissing Ryan’s forehead, he pushed himself up and stripped off his t-shirt and pants, tossing them into the hamper. He crawled over Ryan, laughing at his indignant squeak, and curled up under the blanket. “Sara will be up in a few.” Shane slung his arm over Ryan’s waist and pulled him close.</p><p>Ryan hummed and pushed back into the warmth of Shane’s body. He still wasn’t comfortable, his stomach was aching and Bailey was waking up. She was rolling beneath Shane’s hand and Shane was chuckling in Ryan’s ear. As tired as Ryan was, he wouldn’t trade moments like this for sleep at all.</p><p>Sara came in and went straight to the bathroom, turning on the light and brushing her teeth.</p><p>“Did you brush your teeth?” Shane asked teasingly, kissing the line of muscle in Ryan’s throat.</p><p>“I think my dad would somehow know I didn't and he'd come strangle me in my sleep if I didn’t,” Ryan whispered. They started giggling and Sara walked back in, her toothbrush sticking out of her mouth.</p><p>“Shane, did you wake Ryan up?”</p><p>Ryan nodded with a small pout and Shane vehemently shook his head. “I did not!” He poked Ryan in the side and Ryan shattered into giggles again.</p><p>Sara’s face was soft as she brushed her teeth, watching them. Ryan’s face was red through his cheeks and nose and Shane’s hair was falling all over the place. She shook her head fondly and walked back into the bathroom to finish her night routine.</p><p>She crawled into bed after a few minutes and Shane kissed just below Ryan’s ear. “I’m gonna snuggle Sara for a bit, okay?” he murmured. Ryan nodded and Shane turned over, wrapping Sara close to his chest.</p><p>Ryan sighed and shifted again. He still wasn’t comfortable. Hopefully he’d fall asleep at some point tonight. He listened as Sara and Shane’s breathing slowed and Shane started snoring softly against Sara’s curls. Ryan moved again, scooting down the mattress. Everything felt all wrong. He was considering getting up and going to sleep on the couch.</p><p>Obi crawled up on the bed and positioned himself on Ryan’s chest. Ryan rolled onto his back and bent his knees. “Hey orange boy,” he whispered, scratching Obi’s ears. Obi started purring against Ryan’s chest. He turned around and his paws were resting on Ryan’s bump and he slowly fell asleep. Ryan’s back twinged and he winced, shifting again. “Sorry Obes.”</p><p>Obi grumbled as Ryan moved and adjusted him again. Ryan was staring off towards the bathroom door. Bailey was rolling around, wide awake, and Ryan sighed. He wasn’t going to be sleeping tonight.</p><p>He shifted once again, settling his pillow between his knees. Maybe his hips weren’t aligned right? Well, Ryan knew they weren’t, but hopefully this would make him feel better.</p><p>It didn’t. Ryan sighed and was about to push himself out of bed when Shane grumbled from behind him. “Ryan, stop moving.”</p><p>“Sorry,” Ryan whispered back. He didn’t move again, despite his discomfort. Shane and Sara should get sleep, even if he couldn’t.</p><p>Shane rolled over fifteen minutes later or so with a sigh. “Come here,” he said lowly, his hands outstretched. “C’mon, get over here.” Ryan rolled over and Obi jumped out of Ryan’s arms, curling up by Sara’s head. “What’s got you fidgeting so much?”</p><p>“Can’t get comfortable,” Ryan replied tearfully. “I can’t— I’m sorry I woke you up.”</p><p>Shane shifted Ryan’s head down onto his chest and wrapped his arm around him. “You’re alright,” Shane said, brushing Ryan’s hair with his fingers. “Come on, get comfortable.”</p><p>Ryan shifted and tossed his leg over Shane’s. His bump was propped up on Shane’s side and his head curled on Shane’s chest. Shane’s heartbeat was thumping in his ears, a sweet, calming pulse. He yawned. “I’m not making you uncomfortable, right?” he asked through the yawn.</p><p>“No,” Shane said. “I’m good. His hands were playing with Ryan’s hair and trailing down his neck. “Get some sleep.”</p><p>Ryan focused on the heartbeat drumming against his ear. His head moved with the rise and fall of Shane’s chest. Shane was humming low, his voice cracking because he was humming so softly. Ryan’s eyes drooped, nearly crossing as they closed. His breathing evened out and Shane smiled, his own eyes closing.</p><p>“Goodnight, my sweet sunshine.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shane was moving around in the bedroom, getting dressed. The room was warm and smelled faintly of Shane’s body wash. Ryan breathed in deeply and sighed, stretching his arms above his head. Shane was pants-less and Ryan let out a low wolf whistle.</p><p>Shane jerked around in place. “Hey,” Shane said, a soft flush on his cheeks. His hair was still damp and his skin was pink from the shower. “Didn’t realize you were awake.”</p><p>“Just woke up,” he murmured sleepily. He looked at Shane’s outfit— surprisingly dressy for a regular day. “Do we— did I forget a sponsor meeting? Is there—” Ryan sat up in the bed and scooched up towards the headboard. “Am I forgetting something?”</p><p>Shane laughed and walked over to ruffle Ryan’s hair. “No, you’re not forgetting anything. It’s just a turtleneck, Ry.”</p><p>“But it’s a dressier turtleneck,” Ryan pointed out. “One you usually pair with a blazer when you need to look dressed up but want to still be comfortable.”</p><p>Shane chuckled and sat on the edge of the bed. “You’re not forgetting anything, I promise. I really just wanted to wear a turtleneck today.” Shane leaned in and kissed Ryan, cradling Ryan’s face in his hands. “How’d you sleep?”</p><p>Ryan yawned in Shane’s face and giggled when it ended. “Sorry,” he laughed. “Still a little sleepy. I slept pretty alright though. Bailey wasn’t as active last night and I only had to pee once.”</p><p>Shane laughed. “Good,” he said. He walked back to the dresser and pulled out a pair of jeans. “See, nothing special.” He laughed as he twirled around.</p><p>“Maybe put the pants <em>on</em> before saying that, big guy.” Ryan’s eyes twinkled mischievously.</p><p>“Ryan,” Shane said in mock aghast. “How impure. I’m more than a piece of meat for you to feast your eyes upon.” He broke character quickly, grinning wide. “You gonna wake Sara up? The alarm will go off in a minute or two.”</p><p>Ryan grumbled and rolled over. Sara was laying face down, her curls spread out over the pillows. Her legs had been tossed into Shane’s space and she was facing Ryan. Ryan crawled over to her and kissed her nose, giggling as she snuffled in her sleep.</p><p>“Sara, you gotta wake up,” he whispered. “Shane said it’s almost time for the alarm to go off.”</p><p>“I don’t want to,” she mumbled in her pillow. “I’m sleeping from home today.” She opened one eye and looked at Ryan’s sleepy smile. She hummed. “Morning.”</p><p>“Good morning,” Ryan parroted. “You gotta wake up. I’m gonna go jump in the shower.”</p><p>“Don’t jump,” Sara and Shane mumbled at the same time and Ryan stared off into space.</p><p>“What did I ever do to deserve this pain?” he asked deadpan. He grinned and rolled off the bed, stretching his arms over his head. The t-shirt he was wearing rode up and exposed his belly just above his briefs. Shane ogled Ryan’s body and Ryan smirked. “Too bad you already took a shower, huh?”</p><p>Shane tugged at the hem of his turtleneck, pretending to take it off. “You know, I really could use with an extra wash,” he joked.</p><p>Sara rolled off her side of the bed and walked around, disappearing into the bathroom, leaving the door wide open. “I could use a shower,” she said. She’d stripped her clothes off as she walked, a trail leading into the bathroom.</p><p>“Better go wash her back,” Shane said with a laugh.</p><p>“Come on, Ryan!” Sara yelled. The shower started and steam immediately began pouring out of the room.</p><p>Shane kissed Ryan again, easing the shirt up and over his head, tossing it towards the hamper. He kissed down the length of Ryan’s throat, over his chest, down his bump and achingly slowly pulled Ryan’s briefs down. He pressed a kiss to the nest of curls there and stood back up.</p><p>“You’re so tense, baby,” Shane teased. “C’mon, breathe.”</p><p>“I hate you,” Ryan said breathlessly. “Get back down there and suck me off.”</p><p>Shane laughed and kissed Ryan, gently pushing him back towards the bathroom. “You have to get in the shower or we’ll be late for work.”</p><p>Ryan was pushing Shane back, trying to wrestle him towards the bed. “We can be late,” he growled against Shane’s mouth.</p><p>Shane groped Ryan, his hands squeezing Ryan’s bare ass. Ryan’s footsteps stuttered and Shane was able to push him back towards the bathroom. Ryan’s back hit the bathroom door and he looked dazedly up at Shane. Shane palmed his belly and Ryan moaned.</p><p>“C’mon, you’ve gotta give me something,” Ryan complained breathlessly. “I’ll even reciprocate if you want. I know how much you like me on my knees.”</p><p>Shane wheezed. “Christ, Ryan.” His eyes crinkled and Ryan could see he was genuinely contemplating it.</p><p>Ryan slid down against the door and knelt down. “Head for head?” He set his hands on his belly and rubbed them in gentle circles. He knew what he looked like— he looked like Shane’s wet dreams. Now he just had to hope Shane would give in.</p><p>Shane laughed breathlessly and opened the bathroom door, pushing Ryan back in across the slick linoleum.</p><p>“Hey!” he cried, affronted.</p><p>Shane’s laugh was stronger now, deep in his chest. “Sorry, Ry. We’ve got work. Sara, get him washed up and tell him to stop trying to seduce me.” He closed the door and Ryan threw an empty toilet paper roll at the door.</p><p>“Asshole,” he mumbled.</p><p>Sara peeked out from behind the shower curtain. Seeing Ryan, she laughed. She stepped out of the shower, dripping wet, and helped stand him up. “Come on in,” she said. Ryan stepped in after her and Sara stepped in under the water. “Give me a sec and I’ll move out of the water for you.”</p><p>“No hurry,” Ryan said. He grabbed Sara’s washcloth, poured some soap on it, and washed her back as she turned around.</p><p>“So what was that all about?” she asked. “You’re seducing Shane?”</p><p>“He wouldn’t give me head,” Ryan said with only a half-fake pout.</p><p>Sara’s lips pursed sympathetically. “Poor baby,” she crooned. She ran her hands through Ryan’s hair and licked away a drop of water that trailed down his cheek. “I’m not Shane,” she said, turning Ryan around. She spread his hands and pressed them against the shower wall. “But I’ll give you head.”</p><p>Sara nipped at Ryan’s neck before dropping to her knees. She spread Ryan’s legs and eased them back, bending Ryan over more. His belly hung low and Sara could see it hanging between his thighs.</p><p>“Look how gorgeous you are,” she murmured. She nipped at his ass, listening to him moan. His forehead thunked against the shower wall and Sara giggled. “Don’t get too worked up yet.”</p><p>“I’m already worked up,” Ryan whined. He ground his hips back and Sara stuck out her tongue, licking up his hot slit. “Ohh.”</p><p>Sara was unbelievably good at head. Her tongue fucked him, licking deep inside his pussy. She reached around his legs, one hand reaching to cradle his belly, the other jerking off his cock.</p><p>Ryan was grinding back against Sara’s tongue. His cock was hard between her fingers. He leaned farther forward, resting his left shoulder against the wall. His right hand reached up and tugged at his hair, pulling his head back. “Sara, fuck. Sara, I’m gonna cum.” He was panting, his breaths coming out as whines. “Sara!”</p><p>Sara pulled Ryan back tighter against her mouth, ducking further forward to lap at Ryan’s cock. His cock was twitching in her hand and she moaned against him. Ryan’s hips jerked forward and he groaned, pressing his body forward against the wall.</p><p>Ryan’s thighs were shaking and he sighed happily.</p><p>“Feel better?” Sara asked. She stood up and pulled Ryan’s ass back against her hips. “You forgotten about that meanie, Shane?”</p><p>“Shane who?” Ryan asked. He looked over his shoulder at her and smiled. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were dark. “Give me a second and I’ll return the favor.”</p><p>“No need,” Sara said, thrusting her hips forward against Ryan’s. “I could get off like this.”</p><p>Sara humped Ryan’s ass, grinding against him. Her clit was throbbing and Ryan bent his knees slightly to give her a better angle. He pushed back, meeting each of her thrusts until the bathroom was filled with nothing but the sound of their wet skin slapping together.</p><p>“Oh, I’m gonna cum,” she moaned, pulling Ryan tight against her. She ground against him, humping him until she sighed. Her body tensed against Ryan’s and she leaned down to press her head against his spine. “Fuck.”</p><p>“What a way to wake up,” Ryan teased.</p><p>Sara huffed a laugh, her breath hot on Ryan’s back. “Yeah, I definitely agree.” She grabbed the washcloth and carefully washed Ryan off. “Too bad we can’t stay here all day.”</p><p>“We can skip work,” Ryan said. He leaned back against the cool tile of the shower walls as Sara washed him off. “We’ll stay in bed all day, right through to bedtime.”</p><p>Sara smiled, but shook her head. “We’d at least have to leave to have dinner with your mother tonight.”</p><p>Ryan gasped. “I forgot we were having dinner with mama.” He scrubbed his wet hair back, thinking. “Maybe that’s it,” he agreed. “I’m sick of forgetting things. I know it’s normal— pregnancy brain or whatever— but I just— it drives me insane.”</p><p>“Well that’s why you have your calendar online and why we all have the Berbindej Family Calendar,” Sara said. “We all forget things all the time. You’ve got your calendars and your sticky note reminders and, failing all else, you have me and Shane.” Sara pressed a kiss to Ryan’s shoulder.</p><p>“Yeah,” he said gently. “I can always count on you two.” Ryan rinsed off quickly and stepped out of the water. “I’m done when you are,” he said.</p><p>Sara stepped under the water to rinse the conditioner from her hair quickly and turned the water off. “Do you want to get dressed for dinner now or do you want to come back here after work and change?”</p><p>Ryan wrapped his towel around himself and stepped out onto the bathmat. “Probably just dress for it now; that way we don’t have to worry about being late. It’s been too long since I’ve seen mama.”</p><p>Sara snickered, wrapping her own towel around herself. “Ryan, it’s been a week.”</p><p>“Way, way too long,” he said, pensively shaking his head. Water droplets flung from his hair and he shook his head harder, splashing water everywhere.</p><p>“Ryan, stop!” Sara squealed with laughter. “You’re getting the walls all wet.”</p><p>Ryan stopped shaking his head and tugged Sara in close against him, rubbing his wet hair against her face. “How’s this? Is this better?”</p><p>Sara’s laughs were pealing through the bedroom as Ryan waddled Sara to the bed, his arms wrapped around her waist, legs straddling hers. He tossed her onto the mattress and smiled at the pink flush on her cheeks. She really was gorgeous.</p><p>Shane stepped in the room, walking through to grab his shoes from the closet. “Bit noisy in here, children. Settle down,” he teased. His eyes twinkled as he watched them laughing.</p><p>“She started it,” Ryan stated immediately.</p><p>Sara gasped indignantly from the bed. “I did not! You’re the one who shook your hair out in the bathroom like a dog!”</p><p>Ryan fake gasped and clutched his hand to his chest. “I would never.” He broke quickly, snickering as he walked to the closet. He pulled out a sweater and tossed it at the bed before walking to the dresser for pants and underwear. “I’m a sweet, innocent boy.”</p><p>Shane walked up behind Ryan and palmed his belly. “Not so innocent,” he said. He kissed Ryan’s cheek. “But entirely sweet.”</p><p>Ryan blushed and hid his face. “Shut the fuck up, dude. God, that’s so gay.”</p><p>Shane laughed. “Well, it wasn’t meant to be straight, Ryan.” He released Ryan and grabbed his deodorant from the top of the dresser. “What gave me away?”</p><p>“How often you stare at my butt,” Ryan said somberly. “Gave you away four years ago, gave you away right now.”</p><p>Shane shrugged, holding his hands up. “It’s a nice butt,” he said unrepentant, “but it’s a nice butt that needs to get dressed.” He tapped his wrist. “Time’s a-ticking.”</p><p>Ryan pulled his towel off and threw it at Shane, grinning at the damp spot that immediately formed on his shirt. Shane’s head was entirely shrouded by the towel and Ryan stifled a giggle. He was quick to pull his underwear on, watching Shane accept his fate as he stood there with the towel covering him. Ryan pulled on the jeans with their button elastic in place and padded across the room for his shirt. “You can come out now,” Ryan said as he pulled the sweater on over his head. Shane didn’t move and Ryan giggled, walking over to pull the towel off. “Peekaboo,” he whispered playfully.</p><p>Shane laughed, leaning forward to kiss Ryan and tossed the towel towards the bathroom. “Peekaboo,” he repeated. “What do you want for breakfast?”</p><p>Ryan hummed thoughtfully and walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Shane followed him down and watched as he rummaged through the fridge. Ryan tossed a yogurt up on the counter and kept rummaging for breakfast. “I don’t know what else,” he said.</p><p>Shane reached up into the cupboard. “We have dried fruit,” he said, pulling it out to show Ryan. “Oatmeal, granola… We have some berries in there, I think.”</p><p>Ryan sat cross legged on the floor and rummaged through the crisper. “I’ll use the berries and the granola,” he said. “Do you want anything?”</p><p>“Grab me the eggs?” Shane asked.</p><p>Ryan wrinkled his nose. “Can you let me grab my food and get outside before you start cooking?”</p><p>Shane nodded. “Yeah, of course.” He took the eggs from Ryan’s hands and held his hand out to pull Ryan up. Ryan grabbed another yogurt from the fridge and carried his food haul out to the front steps. He sat cross legged on the wooden steps and opened the yogurt, mixing in his fruit. He sprinkled the granola on top and mixed that in too, sniffing the yogurt before finally eating it.</p><p>A gentle breeze was blowing across the porch and Ryan sighed happily. They were calling for rain that day but Ryan looked out and didn’t see a single dark cloud in the sky. He ate contentedly as birds chirped around him. Obi meowed at him from the window and Ryan laughed, tossing a leaf towards the window.</p><p>Sara joined Ryan a few moments later, her own yogurt in hand. “Eggs again, huh?”</p><p>“He at least let me out of the house before he started cooking them this time,” Ryan said. “And I stashed his toothbrush in my work bag so he can brush his teeth before he even thinks about kissing me.” Ryan finished off his first yogurt and immediately grabbed the second one, preparing it the same way as the first.</p><p>Sara watched him, smiling as he made a mess of his hands. “How are you so messy?” she teased him.</p><p>“It’s not me; it’s the berries,” Ryan grumbled. “I’m not even squishing them or anything.” He sucked the berry juice off his thumb, trying to remove the stain from his skin.</p><p>They ate in comfortable silence, waiting for Shane to leave the house. Ryan laid down and curled his head in Sara’s lap. Her nails gently scratched at his hair and Ryan sighed, leaning back into it.</p><p>“We should just skip work,” Ryan said. “Lay here in the sun all day and just… enjoy it. Enjoy the day.”</p><p>Sara hummed and kept scratching his head. “You keep trying to make excuses to skip work,” she teased gently, “but I’d like that.”</p><p>They went to work anyway. Ryan buried himself in script writing and editing. They were flying out to one last location this week and Ryan wanted to have the script done for the voiceover. Shane and Sara made him pause for lunch and as the work day ended, Ryan was finishing off the last of his work for the episode.</p><p>Shane tapped Ryan’s foot with his own under the desk. “You ready to go?” He was packing up his things and zipping his bag.</p><p>Ryan looked up, momentarily surprised by the interruption. “What?”</p><p>Shane laughed. “It’s time to go. You ready?”</p><p>Ryan saved his work and shut down his computer, jumping up. “I’m ready to go,” he said. “Been ready all day.” He quickly pushed his paperwork into his folder and shoved it into his bag. “Come on, let’s go. I get to see my mama, I get some food… Come on.”</p><p>Shane laughed and stood up. “Pushy, pushy."</p><p>Ryan laughed but he really was excited. He hadn’t seen his mother in too long. He gathered his bag on his back and stood, waiting for Shane. “You should’ve been ready before asking me if I was ready,” he pointed out.</p><p>“Well, Sara’s ready,” Shane said. He snagged the keys off the desk and moved to walk out of the office. Ryan was almost bouncing as he walked, he was so excited. They caught up with Sara in the elevator and walked to the car. Ryan sprawled out in the back seat, talking the entire way to the restaurant. Shane and Sara smiled, listening to Ryan chatter. He was talking with his hands a lot, leaning forward to gauge reactions. He hardly noticed they were at the restaurant.</p><p>“Ryan, Ryan,” Shane said. “Go tell your mother she wants you.” Ryan’s face scrunched up and Shane wheezed. “You’re talking our ears off, little guy.”</p><p>“Well excuse me,” Ryan said, petulantly crossing his arms. “I’m just happy to be spending time with my three favorite people. Plus, I get to see Mama. Plus, food.”</p><p>“I think your math is off,” Sara said. “Three favorite, plus your mom?”</p><p>“Bailey, you, Shane.” Ryan settled back in his seat for a moment, a mischievous grin on his face. “In that order currently.”</p><p>Shane slapped back at Ryan, hitting his knee. “Get out, your mother’s waiting.”</p><p>Ryan climbed out of the car and waited for Shane and Sara to get out. He leaned against the car and stretched back, his belly curving out from his body. Shane ducked out and was met immediately with Ryan’s belly near his face. He looked up at Ryan, who just grinned at the flush in Shane’s cheeks.</p><p>“C’mon, big guy. Let’s go. Daddy’s hungry.”</p><p>Shane snickered and Sara laughed brightly. It was a gorgeous day and everyone was feeling it. It wasn’t too hot, the sun wasn’t too intense, and they’d all woken up in a good mood. They were in the final stretch of Ryan’s pregnancy which was both exciting and terrifying all at once. Ryan stepped into the restaurant and greeted the hostess.</p><p>“Hi, we’re here with a reservation for Linda Bergara?”</p><p>“Right this way,” the hostess said with a smile. She led them off to a side room and waited until all three of them were waiting directly behind her to open the door. “Enjoy your meal.” She pushed the door open to a banquet room decorated with “welcome baby!” decorations.</p><p>Ryan’s eyes widened as people in the room called out “surprise!”</p><p>“Oh my god,” he whispered, a smile stretching across his face. In the room, decorated for a baby shower, were their closest friends and family. They’d done all this to surprise them.</p><hr/><p>The party passed in a bit of a blur, if Ryan was honest. He’d spent years going to baby showers with his mother. He was a champ at winning the games but he wasn’t even allowed to keep the prizes here. His prize was the constant fruit plates he’d make Shane get him. That made it almost worth it.</p><p>Ryan leaned back and watched his friends and family play games for the most part. He filled out the papers and unscrambled the words, but he was just so impressed at all the people who had managed to come celebrate this life they were making. It was kind of cool.</p><p>Sooner than Ryan expected, the last of the gifts were set in front of him, Shane, and Sara. Linda looked down at Ryan as she passed down the gift and smiled. The present wasn’t overly large, but it was decently heavy. “This last one is for the three of you,” Linda said, setting it in front of them. “From your dad and I. Jake pitched in a bit as well.”</p><p>Ryan grabbed the corner of the paper and tugged it, ripping across the front of the gift. It was a picture frame with a photograph in it. Shane and Sara ripped at other parts of it until the picture was revealed.</p><p>“Oh,” Ryan breathed. He reached up to cover his mouth as tears sprang to his eyes. It was a relatively new photo. Sara and Shane were enveloping Ryan between them, their arms wrapped around his back. It had been a good day for all of them. They were all laughing, nearly collapsing in on themselves.</p><p>Shane pushed the paper off the back and angled the picture back towards them. “Wow.”</p><p>They’d been at some stupid Buzzfeed thing. They had posed for promotional photos and this one had ended up not being used. Ryan had assumed it had been deleted.</p><p>“How’d you—?”</p><p>“Buzzfeed was willing to sell us the photograph rights. They no longer own this photo. You do.”</p><p>Ryan looked at the picture again. Sara leaned in on Shane’s shoulder. Shane’s hand pressed on Ryan’s thigh. As usual, they were touching. All three of them were just… one. Ryan wanted it to always be like this— a one and one makes four kinda situation.</p><p>“Mama, I love it,” Ryan whispered, leaning in to hug her. He wrapped his arms around her, his head resting against her chest. “Thank you.”</p><p>“I love you, baby,” she said. “Never forget that.”</p><p>Ryan nodded and wiped at his eyes. Shane passed over a napkin and Ryan laughed shakily, balling it up in his hands. “Thanks.” Ryan eased the photo from Shane and Sara’s hands and held it in front of him. He could see the love on his face. He could see it a little on Sara and Shane’s but his? Right out there in the open for all to see.</p><p>“I’m going to start loading things into our cars,” Linda said. “Mrs Rubin, too. We’ll be back, okay?”</p><p>“No, Mama, we can do it,” Ryan said. He set the photo on the table and pushed back his chair. “We’ll get it.”</p><p>Sara stood up to help and Linda waved them all off. “Go say thank you to your guests, alright? We’ll start and if we need help when you’re done, then you can help. We’ve already packed up most of it.” She turned away to grab a box and Shane stopped her quickly. He dug in his pockets.</p><p>“Here,” Shane said, “you’ll need this for the car.” He set the car keys in her hand and closed her fingers around them. “Thank you.” He led Ryan off around the table. “Come on, seahorse. Let’s get you saying goodbye so we can head home and unpack all this stuff.”</p><p>Ryan laughed. “Pushy, pushy,” he teased. They walked around the room, hugging family members, thanking them for coming, answering all the thousand questions everyone had over and over.</p><p>It was exhausting— it was late and everyone seemed tired— but Ryan was genuinely so thankful for everyone. Thankfully none of them asked the gender and sexuality questions. Ryan wasn’t sure he could have handled that, but they all were surprisingly respectful— even the older members of the family.</p><p>Ryan had gone to baby showers where people had loitered long after they’d said goodbye but luckily people cleared out quickly. He slumped into a chair and cradled his belly. “This was good,” he said, looking sleepily up at Sara. He rested his head on her side and wrapped his free arm around her waist. “You really didn’t know about this?”</p><p>“I didn’t know anything,” Shane said.</p><p>“You never do.” Ryan grinned. He pulled Shane in and rested his head against Shane’s side. “I love you guys,” he mumbled into Shane’s side. He looked up and puckered his lips for kisses, kissing Sara first, then Shane. “Let’s head home, huh?”</p><p>Ryan cradled the leftover fruit bowl on his belly and stood up, wandering around. He popped a piece of fruit in his mouth every so often, chewing slowly. He walked out to the car where his mother was carefully packing things in the trunk.</p><p>“We’ll put some in my car,” Linda said, not looking up. “And I can follow you to your place.”</p><p>Ryan set the bowl on top of the car and pulled his mother into a hug. “Thank you, Mama,” he said softly into her ear. “I had fun.”</p><p>Linda pressed a kiss to Ryan’s cheek. “You should have played the games more,” she joked. “You were always a winner at those. Oh!” She suddenly walked over to her car and pulled out a small baby doll, laying it in Ryan’s arms. “This was yours when you were younger. Maybe Bailey can play with it some day but until then, you can tell Shane he needs practice diapering. Blindfold him. If nothing else, it will make funny video content.”</p><p>Ryan held the doll in his arms, looking at it. “That would make pretty good content,” he said. He set the doll in the back seat. “I’ll see what I can do. Maybe you can see the rough, uncut, full video.” He laughed, his eyes twinkling. “Thank you again, Mama.”</p><p>Linda tapped his cheek. “What kind of grandma would I be if I didn’t make sure my babies had a baby shower, huh?”</p><p>“Probably still an amazing one,” Ryan said. He caught a glance of Shane and Sara coming out of the restaurant, bowls of food in their arms. “Looks like they’re almost ready to leave.”</p><p>Linda eased the last box into the car’s trunk and pushed it closed. “That’s all the gifts packed up. I’m ready to leave any time.”</p><p>“Do you want any of the food?” Ryan asked, grabbing his fruit bowl off the top of the car. “This is way more than we have room for.”</p><p>“Take what you want and I’ll bring the leftovers back home,” she said. She handed Ryan the car keys and turned to meet Shane and Sara. They all traded bowls and Linda packed hers in the car. Before they all left, Sara and Ryan’s mothers pulled them into tight hugs, holding them close.</p><p>“Stay safe,” Mrs Rubin said, kissing them all on the cheeks. She climbed into her car and drove out, waving to them as she passed.</p><p>Linda waved and turned back to the trio. “I’ll go back to the house and help you unpack,” she said. “Is there anything else you want me to do while I’m there?”</p><p>Shane shook his head, grabbing the keys from Ryan’s hand. “That’s alright. We’ll unpack your car first and then you can head out. I’m sure you’ve got better things to do than help us carry things up to an empty nursery.”</p><p>Linda laughed. “Thank you for thinking so, dear.” She patted Shane’s cheek. “I’ll head out then, meet you there.” She climbed in her car and pulled out.</p><p>Ryan leaned against the car, eating his fruit happily. “So we should probably head out then, huh?”</p><p>Shane set his hand on Ryan’s back, ushering him to the back seat. “Let’s get going then before your mother decides to unload the car too. She already loaded both of them. It doesn’t seem fair.”</p><p>Sara was already in her seat, buckled in and ready to go. “You’ve managed to pregnancy your way out of loading and unloading.”</p><p>“You shoulda tried it,” Ryan teased. “Works pretty well.”</p><p>Sara shook her head. “I’m good. Shane,” she called to him. “Let’s go!”</p><p>Shane crawled in and started the car. “I’m here,” he said. They pulled out and somehow managed to miss a lot of the traffic on the ride home. Ryan was tired but so, so happy. Shane and Sara held hands in front. The ride was quiet, but peaceful.</p><p>They pulled in right beside Linda’s car and Shane and Sara jumped out to start unloading things, carrying them into the garage. Ryan walked in the house and startled when he saw Shane’s mom sitting on the couch.</p><p>“Hi, Ryan.”</p><p>Ryan set the fruit bowl on the counter and rushed over to Sherry’s arms. “What are you doing here?” he asked, leaning into her hug. “You missed the party.”</p><p>Sherry waved him off. “My plane came in halfway through, I wasn’t going to crash it that late. But I did bring gifts.” She led Ryan over to a box in front of the couch. “Your mother was nice enough to let me send it to her place instead of paying for airplane luggage fees.” She laughed and pulled the box over by Ryan. “It certainly wouldn’t have been cheap.”</p><p>Ryan looked at the size of the box, larger even than the last one she sent them. “You really didn’t have to,” he said. “You already bought us a ton of stuff.”</p><p>“She’s my grand baby,” Sherry said. “Of course I had to. Where’s Shane and Sara?”</p><p>Ryan sat down in front of the box and leaned forward to rest his arms on it. “They’re unloading Mama’s car and then they’ll be in. I can’t believe you’re here,” he said. His grin was so wide. “Shane’s going to be so excited.”</p><p>Sherry smiled. “That’s the plan,” she said. She sat back in the chair and looked around the house. “Looks like you’re moved in a little bit, hmm?”</p><p>Ryan’s cheeks flushed. “Oh, that’s— Shane and Sara wanted me close. For the baby.”</p><p>Sherry nodded her head once dubiously. “Hmm,” she hummed noncommittally. “For the baby, of course.”</p><p>Ryan’s cheeks flared again and he was saved as the front door opened again. “Oh good,” he said, “here they are.”</p><p>Sara walked in first, followed by Shane— both of them looking down at their feet as they moved. Ryan snorted suddenly, watching them, and they both looked up.</p><p>“Mom!” Shane said, striding over to hug her. “I didn’t— you— why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”</p><p>“It would have ruined the baby shower surprise,” she said with a laugh. Shane wrapped his body around her, pulling her into a tight hug before pulling away. “Besides, I managed just fine. Linda let me send her your package so we could avoid the airport and I managed to get myself here and get a hotel room.”</p><p>Shane rubbed at his neck. “If you would have told me, we could have fixed up a place for you here. We have enough rooms.”</p><p>“Nonsense,” Sherry said, wrapping her arms around Sara as she approached. “I’m fine in a hotel room. I’m only in town for a few days, I’m sure I can handle it. Now, open your gifts.” She motioned to the box pushed in front of Ryan on the couch and sat back in her seat. “I missed a whole party of it so now I get my own personal show.”</p><p>“Personal show means you get to be in charge of garbage,” Sara teased. She went into the kitchen and dragged in the garbage bin, setting it beside Sherry. “Thankfully we took the garbage out yesterday so it doesn’t stink.”</p><p>Shane pulled the box towards himself. “Holy sh— Mom did you send us rocks?”</p><p>Sherry laughed. “No, not rocks. Hopefully it’s something you’ll end up using.” Sherry watched in anticipation as they opened the box.</p><p>Ryan laid back, his hands on his belly as he watched Shane tear past the tape. Bailey was rolling around, kicking. He was tired of gifts, of opening the presents. He was grateful— he really was— but it was exhausting. He was glad that Shane and Sara took over on this one.</p><p>The box opened to reveal another box, wrapping paper covering it. Shane huffed a small laugh and pulled it out, setting it on the floor. Ryan laughed, looking at the wrapping paper that only covered the top third of the box.</p><p>“There’s no reason to waste wrapping paper,” Sherry said. “And I was mailing the package anyway.” She was smiling as Shane and Sara looked over the box for a logo. “It’s a plain box.”</p><p>“We know that,” Sara said. Her fingers slipped under the edge of the wrapping paper and ripped it up. The seam of the box appeared quickly and her nails picked at the tape keeping it closed. “I love opening presents,” she added giddily.</p><p>Shane pulled open the box once Sara tore through the tape and started looking through the gifts. There was a big box on the top and he pulled it out, passing it to Ryan. “This is yours,” he said.</p><p>Ryan perked up, looking at the box. Sherry had bought a breast pump— and not an inexpensive one, either. “Thank you,” Ryan said, smiling up at her. He held the box on his lap for a moment before setting it off to the side.</p><p>Shane was pulling out small clothing— bibs, onesies, pajamas, clothes of every shape and size. “Mom…”</p><p>Sherry laughed. “I know, I’m sorry. I just couldn’t help myself. I never got to buy the cute frilly clothes for you and Scott. I’d see little clothes and dresses and I’d just buy them.” She leaned forward and snagged the wrapping paper, pushing it down into the garbage before grabbing a tiny shirt. “You’ll notice they’re all different sizes though. That way you’re not flooded with any one size of clothing.”</p><p>Shane pulled out another pile of clothing and tossed it on Ryan’s lap. Sara grabbed her own handful and tossed them over onto Ryan’s lap, covering him with a small mountain of clothing.</p><p>Ryan laughed as the pile of clothes grew taller and covered his entire torso. He’d crossed his legs and his lap had made the perfect place for a mountain to form. Eventually the clothes stopped and a final dress dropped down on his head. “Thank you,” he mumbled from beneath the mountain. He pulled the dress off his head and held it in his hands at the top of the pile.</p><p>The dress was small, but certainly not newborn small. It was white lace and there was a pink ribbon sash around the chest. A small ribbon rosette decorated the middle of the sash. It reminded Ryan of a dress his mother had put him in. She’d gotten professional photos done of him wearing it. He’d have to dig those up some time.</p><p>Shane pulled out a small blanket and handed it to Sara, who ran her hands over the velvety fabric. Sara leaned into the box and pulled out a pair of bears— a small Paddington and Winnie the Pooh.</p><p>“I know you like Paddington, Ryan,” Sherry said. “And Shane loved Pooh Bear growing up. I’m sorry I didn’t know what bear you preferred, Sara.” Sherry was only half joking but Sara smiled. She passed Ryan the Paddington stuffie and cradled the Pooh Bear to her chest.</p><p>“Pooh Bear was mine too,” she said. She squeezed the stuffie and brought it up to her nose. She pressed a small kiss on its head and settled it back in her lap. She leaned back against the couch and sighed happily, looking over at Shane. “Cmon. There’s still more in there.”</p><p>Shane shook his head but reached down into the box and pulled out the last, much larger present. This one was actually wrapped. This one seemed more bulky than heavy and Shane plucked at the wrapping paper. It tore away in large strips and very quickly a picture of a car seat appeared.</p><p>“Mom…” Shane started, tearing away the rest of the paper.</p><p>“No, I know. I know. Car seats are expensive. But I know Sara’s mother was getting you guys one, but what if Ryan needs one? Or what if you want someone else to take her and you don’t want to pull the seat out of your own car? Sometimes it’s just easier to have a second seat.” Sherry leaned forward and grabbed the torn wrapping paper. “And this is a really good one,” she said. “It has a high safety rating and high customer ratings. Plus, I read reviews on the customer service for the company just in case you ever need it. This is one of the best car seats you can get for your money.”</p><p>Shane pulled at the tape on the car seat box and opened it, pulling the seat out. His hands straightened the straps and pushed the tethers back away from the front. There was a small seat insert for a newborn and Shane set his hand in it, splaying his fingers slightly. “She’s going to fit in that,” he said with a soft laugh.</p><p>Sherry nodded. “For a little while at least. It might not be very long.”</p><p>Sara leaned forward and set the Pooh Bear stuffie in the seat, strapping him in. “She’ll be teddy bear sized,” she laughed. She adjusted the clip on the bear’s chest and sat back. “There. Perfectly safe.”</p><p>Ryan looked down at the car seat and smiled. “Already prepared for when she gets here.”</p><p>Shane grinned. “Eight weeks.”</p><p>They sat there and talked, Shane and Sara animatedly recounting the party earlier. Ryan pushed all the clothes back into the box and snuggled into the corner of the couch with a blanket wrapped around himself.</p><p>Sometime around 9:00, Sherry stood up and rolled her shoulders back. “I think it’s about time I get back to the hotel. I’m a bit tired from all the traveling today. And Ryan looks like he’s about to fall asleep as well.”</p><p>“I am,” Ryan said tiredly, with an apologetic grin.</p><p>“He’s always ready to sleep. Don’t let him fool you,” Sara teased, reaching across Shane’s body to nudge Ryan’s leg.</p><p>“Oh!” Sherry exclaimed suddenly. “Wait, there’s one more gift. But it’s already upstairs.” She smoothed out her shirt and motioned for the trio to head upstairs. “I can’t believe I almost forgot. Let’s go up and see. I know you don’t have the nursery planned yet, but maybe this will spark some ideas.”</p><p>Shane and Sara stood up, clearing the gifts out of their pathway. “You need help?” Shane asked, reaching his hand out to Ryan.</p><p>Ryan tossed the blanket back and took Shane’s hand in his, pulling himself up. “Thanks,” he murmured, stretching his arms up over his head. He dropped his hands back to his side and Shane grabbed one, interlocking their finger.</p><p>“Come on,” Shane urged. “Let’s go see whatever surprise mom has upstairs.” </p><p>They all walked upstairs and Sherry led them to the room beside the master bedroom— the room that had once been Ryan’s. “I figured you’d put her in here just to keep her close, so that’s where I put it.” She turned on the bedroom light and stepped back, letting the other three walk in.</p><p>A crib was set up against one wall, a soft mattress placed in it. A mobile of the moon and stars leaned over the side. Ryan walked over to it and set his hands on the smooth wood. It was stained a dark brown and was absolutely gorgeous. There was a small changing table attached and Ryan set the Paddington teddy bear down on top of it, angling it until it looked just right. He stepped back and leaned back in against Shane, looking at the crib. Bailey rolled in his stomach and Ryan’s hand moved down to cradle her. She was going to be here so soon.</p><p>“It’s beautiful,” Sara said. “Sherry, this is too much.”</p><p>Sherry waved her hand. “Nonsense. If you guys needed it, then it was just enough. If you guys need anything else, <em>anything,</em> just let me know.” She walked over and gave Sara and Ryan each a quick hug before leaning into Shane’s chest. “I’m going to head out. I love you.”</p><p>Shane leaned down and pressed a kiss to his mom’s cheek. “I love you, mom. Will you be back before you leave?”</p><p>“Oh, of course! I’m going to spend as much time as I can with you before I head back home.” She pat Shane’s cheek and walked to the nursery door. “Goodnight,” Sherry called as she walked out.</p><p>“Goodnight,” the three chorused in return.</p><p>Shane stepped forward and ran his hand gently across the smooth finish of the crib. His fingers played with the soft plush toys hanging from the mobile. “What if we make the room space themed? Elephants and giraffes and bears are overrated.”</p><p>“Oh my!” Ryan exclaimed with very little energy.</p><p>Sara laughed and nudged Ryan gently. She turned to him and faced him straight on. “You look so tired, baby,” Sara murmured as she brushed Ryan’s hair back from his face. “Why don’t you head on into bed? I’ll be there in a minute.”</p><p>Ryan leaned down and kissed her, humming slightly. “Yeah, I’ll—” He hummed again and turned around, yawning. He walked off to the bedroom, staggering as his shoulder caught the doorway.</p><p>Sara watched him leave and turned to Shane. “You coming to bed, too?” she asked. She leaned into his arms and he rocked them slightly, humming a gentle tune.</p><p>“I’ll be in there in a bit,” he said. “I’m going to get some of the mess downstairs cleaned up first. We never took care of the gifts from the party, plus everything mom brought.”</p><p>“Just make sure the garage is locked,” Sara said. “And we can worry about everything tomorrow.”</p><p>Shane leaned down and kissed Sara. “Then I’ll just feed Obi and be right up.”</p><p>“We’ll be waiting,” Sara said. She didn’t release Shane quite yet though, swaying in his arms and giggling as he dipped her so low her curls brushed the floor. He pulled her back up and pulled her flush against his chest.</p><p>“I’ll be right there,” Shane murmured, kissing her again before releasing her and walking downstairs.</p><p>Sara smiled and grabbed the Paddington Bear before shutting off the nursery light. She padded softly to the bedroom and smiled at Ryan already fast asleep in bed. His belly was propped up on a pillow and Sara smiled. She tucked the teddy in Ryan’s arms and walked to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face.</p><p>Ryan was still asleep when she returned, his arms having tightened around the stuffed animal. Sara undressed and pulled on a clean t-shirt, climbing into bed beside Ryan. He’d laid in the middle of the bed and she curled up on his left side. His brow furrowed as Sara’s arm brushed against his hand and he reached out for her, pulling her close. Ryan settled back in, his face buried in Sara’s neck.</p><p>“I love you, Ryan,” she whispered against his hair.</p><p>“Love you,” he mumbled into her skin.</p><p>Sara held Ryan close, running her fingers over the warm skin of his belly. He had pushed the pillow out of the way and was using Sara to hold up Bailey. Bailey squirmed against Sara’s stomach and she was amazed that Ryan felt this all the time. Bailey would be here in two short months and they’d all be able to hold her and live together as a family.</p><p>Shane walked in and saw Ryan curled up against Sara. He smiled, soft and contented. He was quick to finish his night routine and crawled into bed on Ryan’s free side. He leaned in, spooning Ryan and wrapping his arm over Ryan’s hip. Shane smiled at Sara over Ryan’s head. “I could really get used to this,” he said, pressing a gentle kiss just above Ryan’s ear.</p><p>Sara interlaced their fingers on Ryan’s stomach. “Me too,” she whispered back. “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too, Sare. Both of you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry for not uploading in so long guys. I've been majorly depressed and honestly, it's been rough. I hope you enjoy this chapter though and I hope to have the next one up a lot sooner.</p>
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